Please help I don't know if he's cheating

[aNaStaSia_80]

I'm new to the Forum but I've read some of the posts on this infidelity forum and people seem to be really kind and helpful here.

 

I'm been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months now and we are living together. He's away for the weekend on a business trip. Originally, I didn't suspect anything, not until last Friday.

 

He's been given an offer for a new job and he told me that this business trip is with his new boss from the new company. I thought it's a little unconventional because he told me about this trip before he even accepted the offer. When I asked him his flight time etc, he told me he didn't know yet. Then on Friday, I decided to give him a surprise on Sunday by picking him up from the airport. So I went to his laptop and looked for the email detailing his travel iternary (even though I knew he'd be mad if he knew I looked at his email). I found the email, he purchased tickets for two passengers. One for him, and the other, a person from the company he's currently working (I don't know this person but I just saw the email add shares the same domain as his). It may be possible that his new boss is his current colleague. However, I was a little concerned because I don't think it's normal for a possible future employee to purchase tickets for his possible furture boss. I was worried about him so I told him about it. He got so mad at me, that I read his email. I explained to him why I did it etc. He didn't like me interferring his work. I really don't think I did, I was purely concerned. Anyway, I've decided to talk more about this with him when he comes back today. One thing that really bothers me is that if he was going on business trip for his new company, how could it be possible that he purchased the tickets before he even got the job interview.

 

There's another thing adding to this problem is that I found 4 condoms missing when I just happened to tidy things on Friday. The problem is I don't know how to confront him because he's a very very strong and persuasive talker and he would keep saying that I don't trust him. Or is it really me not trusting him?

[evepm]

Dear aNaStaSia_80:

 

As I read your post. I saw a few red flags. I believe in intuition and I have to wonder why you would look at his email or count condoms if your own intuition wasn't telling you that something's not quite right.

 

I have never heard of an employee paying for their own airline ticket let alone paying for thier perspective boss. And then there's the issue of the missing condoms. I think your situation warrants a little more investigating before you confront him. If he's able to talk his way out of things I think that you should have a little more solid proof before you confront him.

 

evepm

[aNaStaSia_80]

May be you're right. I should trust my intuition more. I'll now definitely find more solid evidences before confronting him. Thank a lot!

[CherryGrl]

I have to comment that I find it disgusting when a spouse or lover gets mad at their partner for looking into their e-mail when some suspicious item is found, and shifts the emphasis from the suspicious item to their indignation over being "spyed on." My live-in lover takes care of both computers in our household and has always had access to my e-mail if he wants to look. There's nothing in there that I'm hiding from him, so this doesn't bother me.

 

So why do people get so indignant about so-called invasions of privacy like looking at e-mail or looking at the calls dialed on a cell phone? "Don't you trust me?" Well, if the person doesn't trust you and looking at the calls on your cell phone reassures them, why would you care that they looked, unless you had something to hide? Should spouses really be expected to trust that much, that they feel guilty if they check up on something that sounds suspicious?

 

I don't think it matters why you looked in the e-mail, Anastasia. I think what you found is very suspicious. Why would he tell you he is going somewhere with a person from a new job, and then buy a ticket for himself and someone at the current job? You had every right to a good explanation before he left town on this weekend business trip, but it sounds like he didn't explain anything and instead shifted the emphasis from his suspicious behavior to your spying. If I were you I would be meeting that plane tonight, although I might not let him see me right away. I'd want to see who he got off the plane with and what his behavior was toward that person.

[hurtabandoned]

It's been my experience that when a lover/spouse gets defensive over being checked up on it is for a very different reason other than being upset about not being trusted.

 

My husband did the very same thing when I asked him about suspicious phone numbers and on his cell phone and other things that were not making sense. And of course he would lie about who it belonged to. When his answers still sounded phony I pressed it further. He got very defensive and would say "so you're calling me a liar," in a very nasty tone. What makes someone who is lying angry is not the feeling of being spied on or not trusted. (That is just used to change the subject and make you feel guilty.) They get angry because they got caught and answering questions that they haven't thought of cover stories for puts them on the spot. I would say defensiveness is a huge red flag.

 

The story about the airline tickets sounds phony to me. I agree with Cherry about meeting the plane and waiting where you can't be seen. If there is something fishy going on you will know right away. If the trip is legitimate then you can slip out without being seen....no harm done.

 

RED FLAG- missing condoms. There's no possible explanation for this.

 

Trust yourself. If you think that there is something going on then there probably is. And even if you confront him with proof it may take awhile for him to tell the truth. I hope this helped.

[aNaStaSia_80]

Thank you all. I really appreciate it. I was thinking of going to the airport to see for myself but it's too late, the flight is arriving in 20 mins and there's no way I can make it to the airport within 30mins or so. But having a second opinion on the matter really helps. I feel much stronger now to persist in confronting him.

[Francis]

I must agree with the postings above that bf and gf or husband and wife usually know each other's passwords and have nothing to hide.

 

Plus the fact that he purchased the tickets BEFORE the job interview is an indeniable proof that he is lying . How would he know in advance he would have to travel and purchase the tickets.

 

I feel you should keep your eyes open , without confronting him because he will deny anything. There is nothing to do with this relationship anymore: you know he is a liar. Will you ever be capable to trust him in the future?

 

The only thing that is left for you to do is find more proof that he is a liar in order to convince yourself that you must leave him or suffer, if you stay. The relationship is not very old, it is better to leave earlier than later.

 

I had a similar problem with my last bf : he lied to me and I tried to sweep things under the carpet every time, instead of leaving him . I always postponed leaving him (went on for three years +) and grew terribly attached to the jerk. He never changed, he never became honest.

 

You deserve better, but don't try to confront him because he will confuse you 0X . And he does not deserve an explanation, you don't owe him anything. Think about yourself and about your future. Plan you future now : where are you going, etc.

 

How do you know he's never been married before, he's never had children?

[get mad get everyth]

First of all

Don't trust his words, he will deny everything!!! even if he's cheating he wont accept it until you see him in bed with someone else

That's men's first rule

deny deny deny as much as possible

 

trust your guts

[sunnyp]

This one I just have to comment on.

Red Flags! Listen to what is being said on this board to you. I agree with every one here! All of you are right.

Missing condoms is more than a red flag. It is a statement. Two airline tickets are not a usual thing for a prospective employee to buy.

Talking to him any more about this will only bring more anger. And you will end up angrier than him. There is no fixing this!

I would get out of this relationship fast. Fast as my feet could carry me. If he will lie about condoms and tickets, he will lie about every thing.

Sunny

[lonelygirlnextdoor]

I was looking through my fiance's phone and found a message to his best friend that said that if it wasn't for me they would of had those 2 in the ocean last year. I confronted him about it and he swears its not about another woman. What does it sound like to you, i do not feel that we should get married if there is anything he is intending to do behind my back.

 

I love him very much but have always had an issue with trust, but this really just showed me that I was right all along not to trust him. We have children and our wedding is in a few months, what should I do?

 

That same sentence read keeps haunting me and i just do not care anymore. Should i just drop it and continue on like nothing happened or should i look further into it. I honestly cannot see him cheating, he has always shown a very honest clean side to him, is it possible to have another side?

 

Should i go on and play the I do not care type and wait for infidelity? i have already explained hw i feel he just swears to me that he loves me to death and cheating has never even crossed his mind.