How much is too much? (boyfriend and friends that are girls)

[miie]

Im curious to know other peoples thoughts on this and what they might think/expect if it was their partner.

 

Where my boyfriend works, he tends to go out to lunch with a few of the other people fairly frequently (they are around his age). Some times he will go alone to lunch with one of the girls he works with. He also goes shopping with that girl during their lunch break (they can go at any time, but they tend to go to gether).

 

He has been invited to parties by these people and he goes but either does not invite me, or tells me not to go. And if we had plans, he'll cancel on me to attend.

 

But is there a point when it becomes too much?

 

My thoughts are more directed to the fact he actually doesn't do any of that stuff with me, his girlfriend. We dont do lunch (even on weekends) and he never goes to the shops with me. Not that im that fussed about those two items, it just appears that he does an awful lot with other girls, and not me. I doubt he'd even make time to go to lunch with me if i visited him at work! He catches up with a few other female friends for breakfast or lunch. Again, never has done that with me. He wouldn't even get up early enough for me to go out for breakfast. He has never even made breakfast for me when i've stayed over.

 

I know if situations were reversed, he would NOT like me going to lunch every day, alone with a guy i worked with or cancelled plans to go to party with another guy. He is funny enough about me having male friends.

 

Im not really looking for advice, its not really something to be 'fixed' but just curious to see what other peoples opinions are on the situation if it was them. Would you be ok with, would you be slightly annoyed?

[SheBrokeMe]

Double standard, sounds like theres an issue here.

 

It might just be harmless friendship but regardless. There are boundaries that he should respect if he is in a relationship. 1 on 1 lunch breaks cross that boundary imo.

[greywolf]

I don't think that having lunch with the opposite sex is a problem, but I do think it's odd that it's something he won't do with you.

[Triplell]

I had this same issue with my ex. During the summer, I would often eat with my co-workers, sometimes groups, sometimes not. It all depended on the day. Some of these co-workers were girls. I told my ex about it, and she was very jealous of the situation. I never saw these people outside of work, and I always put my girlfriend first in front of these girls. I should point out my ex and I lived over an hour apart.

 

Now my ex also always had guys calling her at early hours of the mornings on weekends. It bothered me, and I asked her to ask these guys to stop. She refused stating that they were just friends. She always said I was jealous of any guy friends she had and it was a double standard since I could have girl friends. Although I didn't like some of these guys calling my girlfriend at at 2am every weekend, I also had no problems with her having guy friends. I was given the chance to meet a few of her guy friends, and I ended up becoming decent friends with some of them. Also, these guys would never call her in the middle of the night. She never introduced me into the guys that did call her...hmm, wonder why.

[SpottiOtti]

My opinion?

 

I'd be okay with my guy having lunch with a female coworker, if he was open about it and I didn't detect any hints that something else was going on.

 

I would not be okay with my boyfriend partying with girls from work and "told me not to go."

 

Screw that.

[miie]

I have no problem him having lunch with one or a few people he works with. Its more the fact he doesn't do that with me and would not like it if i did the same.

 

We dont live that far from each other, but only see each other 1-2 times a week. I never feel that i am put first. He has cancelled weekend plans so he can attend a birthday party etc for people he works with but told me not to go.

 

Even tho he would hate me doing what he is doing with a male co worker/friend - im not even in the position to do so, as i dont know that many men! One male friend usually just texts me and its 'hi how u going' i haven't seen him in years...but my BF appears to get jealous of that and for the next day all i get is that im cheating on him.

[metrogirl]

What kinds of things do you two do together when you do see each other?

[SheBrokeMe]

We dont live that far from each other, but only see each other 1-2 times a week. I never feel that i am put first. He has cancelled weekend plans so he can attend a birthday party etc for people he works with but told me not to go.

 

Wowzah. Comon now, have some self respect. If this guy is not into your relationship. Trust your gut on the matter.

[BellaStranger]

Having friends of the opposite sex, going to lunch/ shopping with these friends, catching up with them for breakfast, going to parties with them is not too much. This is 100% acceptable and be careful of seeming unreasonable to him by having a problem with it.

 

Not doing these things with you is borderline because really, it's a separate issue. Have you spoken to him about things you would like to do together as a couple? Do you do other fun things as a couple that are actually preferable to having lunch or going shopping? Do you suggest activies for the two of you to do together as much as he does? And what his reaction to this? It might be that he doesn't see a casual lunch or day out shopping as anything special to do together and would rather spend his time with you doing something else?

 

Cancelling pre-existing plans with you and specifically telling you he doesn't want you to go to these parties with him is too much. Mainly, because this is just plain rude, as well as the fact that it hints that there is something about these parties that he doesn't want you to know about. I would confront him on this, tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to make changes... if he is unwilling to comprimise I would question the validity of the relationship.

 

As for the double standard, that is totally beyond over the line... I would tell him once and once only that I will have whichever friends I choose and if he doesn't like it, he can feel free to leave, I do not tolerate jealousy in relationships, because it's a means of control and then I would go out for lunch with, text and speak to whoever I want. However, my other half would always be welome into these friendships- as you should be welcome in to his, then everyone knows there is nothing to hide.

[Longview01]

I used to have lunch with female co-workers all the time in my job and my GF never had a problem with any of it....but then again when we used to go out as a work bunch I always used to take her along and she actually sparked up a few friendships with these girls.

[miie]

IM not going to voice this to him. I have no problem with him having female friends. He has a problem with me having male friends. I have met a few of them, and while we arn't really buddy buddy, we are on facebook together. They seem nice (i have only met them a couple of times). I dont believe and never have thought anything was going on. Im not being unreasonable, as im not telling him not to see them or telling him anything. I think if you can make an effort to go for breakfast with a few female friends and can NEVER (in a year and a half) make or go to breakfast with your girlfriend is not that great. I stay over most weekends one night. He has never offered.

 

The fact, he doesn't do this stuff with me, and i DO ask, and get knocked back every time with an excuse. Some of these excuses are true, and i understand them, but it is all the time - yet he can have the time to do this with friends.

 

I ask to do a lot of things, sometimes i stop for a while because i get tired of hearing no or maybe. It never happens. He travelled 2 hours for a 'boys night' and yet he wont travel 30 mins to go out to a place for the two of us.

[miie]

What kinds of things do you two do together when you do see each other?

 

unfortunately not a lot lately. He is busy, which limits the time we have together, but its the same things. Usually stay in. I suggest things, but its always a maybe. I guess sometimes it feels that he doesn't put much effort in to seeing me, but he'll happily make plans with friends. ANd its fine for him to catch up with friends, i just think it should be slightly more equal?

 

Wowzah. Comon now, have some self respect. If this guy is not into your relationship. Trust your gut on the matter.

 

I do thank you. He is very busy, which i've had to come to terms with. I just think he could try a bit more, than give what he is giving now. If he isn't into the relationship, why stay?

[geekgirl4]

Eh, I think it's pretty sketchy that he's willing to do all these things with other people, but won't consider doing them with you at all. If you've made it clear you'd love to do those things and he still doesn't, well, doesn't sound like a great relationship to me....

[spandora]

That to me is the key. If he refuses to include his gf in his work parties and get-togethers, that seems really fishy.

 

I used to have lunch with female co-workers all the time in my job and my GF never had a problem with any of it....but then again when we used to go out as a work bunch I always used to take her along and she actually sparked up a few friendships with these girls.