My screw up and dealing with things (a bit ranty)

[Slagar]

The other day, I was meant to go around to my girlfriend's house during the day, and bug her while she studied. I was going to come round at 10am. I have been working late shifts recently (6pm-3am, getting to sleep around 5am) and so I would generally sleep until around 2pm each day.

Anyway, even though I didn't work the previous night, I slept in...

 

I woke up at about 1:30pm to heaps of txt messages... she was very offended and angry at me... She was really furious with me... which I can understand, but I didn't mean to. She was saying I am extremely rude, and was acting as though I don't love her or anything.

I was very sorry (as always!) and made everything alright again... but it really angers me actually. She knows I always sleep in, and how late I work... and I don't really see what the big deal was. I was only going to come around to her house anyway.

I feel that she often makes me play the "bad guy" in the relationship. When she does something wrong, I tend to not really get mad at her... I find I can't *really* be angry with her, because when I am, I know she feels bad for what she has done, which makes me feel bad, so I take it with a bit of a laugh and forgive her, and get over it quickly.

I just find it a bit frustrating because when the tables are turned, she gets very emotional and gets extremely angry with me... and I am left to apologise and pick up the pieces to make things better... and even then she remains angry at me for my mistake, and doesn't really forgive me >_

 

Also, I don't like the way she deals with things. When she is in the wrong, I accept what has happened, and accept her apology, and get over it... when she is angry with me however, she more or less just continues to be angry with me, and just says to forget about it and not bring it up anymore, because she is mad over the matter. Which works out badly, because I still feel guilty, and I know she is still really angry over it... and then she just ends up bringing it up at a later date!

 

Are all girls this emotional? Are guys always the bad ones? (it seems like it as far as I have seen)

I KNOW I was in the wrong... but I felt she really overreacted given the circumstances. She made me out to be a very cruel/evil person!

I just want her to accept that I am sorry for what has happened, and to give me some kind of closure.

 

Perhaps I am just too nice?

I really love the girl, and I don't want to lose her, but I am at the point where I feel like there is no point in being sorry for what I have done, simply because she won't accept it... and it's not fair when she does something wrong, because she gets off easy.

 

What can I do about this?

Sorry it's so long. Any thoughts would be appreciated. She knows about this site, and will kill me if she reads this, lol.

[Sweets4u42]

Well...yes, girls are definitely emotional, and some just seem to be that way, always pretending like they are always right. If this bothers you, i would DEFINITELY talk with her about it. I did the same thing with my boyfriend, and every time he tries to make me feel bad, I always bring it up, telling him that it feels like he's trying to blame me and everything, and he usually sees it and were still working it out..i hope that helped

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

This topic comes up a lot here. In my opinion, men GENERALLY think differently than women. Women tend to pick everything apart and analyze things, sometimes for long periods of time, and men just briefly think about things and get over them, and sometimes don't think about them at all until it blows up in their face. They have an amazing ability to sweep things under the rug until the rug pulls itself out from under them, then they're forced to deal with the issue and unfortunately half the time it's too late. Hence, the classic argument where the female accuses the male of not listening to her or not caring enough. It's not that they don't care it's just that they express themselves differently. Being female, I wish I could let things go too but it's not easy to do when the man can brush things off so easily like it never bothered them in the first place. So, this is to help you understand why she is the way she is.... and unfortunately most of us women think like that, to my knowledge. My advice is to TALK TALK TALK to her, talk till you're blue in the face, reassure her all you can, etc., periodically. Let her know where the relationship stands. Most females like to know they're not wasting their time with a guy cause we can find jerks anywhere, know what I mean? I like to use phrases like, "If such and such happens, I want you to know now that I don't mean it the wrong way". For instance, in your case, you might say, "If I say I'll be there and I'm not, there is a legitimate reason so please don't think I don't love you, want to be with you, lied to you, etc". These are simple statements that, when meant and when reinforced, will help keep her feeling better and will keep you out of the doghouse. The catch is that you have to actually mean it and follow up with the right actions. Cause as soon as you lie and get caught, the trust she had in you will be gone.

So,

1) work on building the trust by actions WITH the words

2) let her know where the relationship stands once and for all, and if it changes, be honest about that change

3) Keep in mind that she thinks differently than you and needs more detail in the conversation than you do

 

I hope this helps some!

Good luck!

[Slagar]

Hmm, wow... thankyou both for your helpful replies

 

Yeah, I am definitely going to give this some more thought, and will probably talk to her about it. I am not going to talk to her about it just yet, as she seems to have forgotten for now, so I don't really want to bring it back up, as it'll just make her mad at me again...

But the next time she brings it up, or something like this happens, I will definitely give it a try.

 

Thankyou both for your insight!

[OceanEyes]

Sweets already said it - women are more emotional and think differently than men do (obviously! ).

 

I think it's really sweet that you're here trying to figure out why she might be acting the way she does ... and to be honest it does seem like she might be over-reacting a bit, but I guess that's sort of normal in the eyes of most men ... hehe.

 

The most important thing to keep in mind when you're dealing with a female who is upset with something you've done is that she just wants to be heard and have you validate her feelings. And also remember - even if you don't think it's a big deal - she obviously does. So having said that, by saying something like, "come on it's really no big deal" will send you back where you started and probably hurt and enfuriate her even more. By saying, "it's not a big deal" is making her feel as if you don't care about her feelings. That's what I meant by validating vs. invalidating her feelings.

 

By simply assuring her that you're sorry and that you really didn't mean to sleep in, that you understand why she might be upset will work wonders. Usually all it takes for me when I am upset with my man is for him to simply understand my point of view and my feelings about the issue, validate them and apologize accordingly.

 

If this approach still doesn't work, then she probably is a little bit over-sensitive. While you should apologize and understand her feelings about you being so late and sleeping in, she should also take it upon herself to understand that you're tired, worked late and for long hours and that you needed your rest. This sort of miscommunication is completely normal and expected and really isn't the end of the world - it just takes some effort in understanding each other's male/ female communication needs.

 

Hope it works out for ya!