What should i do in this situation?

[Trek]

Hi all, first time poster, long time lurker.

 

First off, my relationship has been long distance for a majority of the relationship, although we saw each other on a monthly basis. We were dating for a year, and she always said things like how she never felt this way about anyone else, and always talked about how she was aching whenever i was away, and how she we were meant to be.

 

Well everything went downhill in August. I have some deep abandoment issues, and for some unknown reason i started getting on her case, accusing her of doing things she wouldnt do. I always knew she wouldnt do those things, but sometimes my emotions got too powerful and overwhelmed me. Last month after an intense argument she said she wanted some space. I tried my hardest to give it to her, but i caved in, and she got mad. That's when the break up hit. I'd like to think she went through with the break up because i just kept pushing her and she was overwhelemed, but im not sure. She told me she wasnt happy right now. And over the course of the few days she was thinking about the break up. Thing is, she always told me the very thought of us breaking up made her feel ill, she told me this the one time i actually brought it up when these issues surfaced. She always told me not to worry because she was still here. She said my actions are the type of things that ruin relationships and she didnt want to end up hating me in the process. She said she still deeply valued our connection as friends. I said i couldnt be friends because the thought of her telling me about another man holding her in the future would crush me. She seemed pretty upset over that. I tried to take it back later but i havent heard anything from her since. It's been about 2 weeks since that happened, and im not sure if i should try and contact her in a few more weeks and see if her emotions have settled and to see if shes ready to talk to me yet. She hasnt blocked me or anything, so that leaves me a little hopeful. Right now it feels like i wont ever talk to her again, and its destroying me on the inside.

[jenna-is-here]

Hi Trek - this is a tough one. Have you read "Non-chalance is your Friend" thread under the "Getting back together" forum? It has much to say about how we react to situations really dictates outcomes (not the actual event itself). I HIGHLY recommend you start reading that (it is long, like 100 pages).

 

I am not sure WHEN you should contact her but the important thing is that when you do contact her, that it be kept LIGHT & AIRY meaning you are not married to an outcome and keep things light hearted (aka nonchalance).

 

Becasue the more you push, the more she will run away. And the more the "pressure" is off her for how you are feeling, she will start to react positively.

[Trek]

Ya i skimmed through the thread for a little bit. I'm so confused though. People around here keep saying different things for situations that are similar to mine, but i guess im not really coming here for some miracle answer. i just need some perspective. I took her off facebook right after the break up. We also played a lot of WoW together, it's how we met. Since the break up i've signed on every now and then and she has been playing way more than she used to, doing things she never really did before. When i tried to tell her something that randomly came up in game, she had me ignored, but she doesnt have me blocked on anything else. It really has me worried. I'd check out a few of her facebook friends though, and her comments and attitude seemed like nothing was wrong. But i also know she doesnt like having too many people involved in her business, and i think if she acted depressed towards some of her friends, they would start bothering her about whats going on.

 

I've been thinking about what id say when i do contact her. Right now im leaning towards

"Hey, just wanted to see how you have been doing. If you still need your space then i can respect that, and by now you should know where i stand about everything, and where to find me"

[jenna-is-here]

 

I've been thinking about what id say when i do contact her. Right now im leaning towards

"Hey, just wanted to see how you have been doing. If you still need your space then i can respect that, and by now you should know where i stand about everything, and where to find me"

 

No. I dont recommend that as your opener! Too heavy and she does not dictate where you stand. Well, what I am trying to say is, she needs to see you as a "value", she responds, and then later you decide if you want to let her back in.

 

If you were to send anything, I just recommend, ""Hey, just wanted to see how you have been doing" and that is it. Keep it light hearted from there. Build back up the connection. The where you stand can come later. It is too much pressure on her all at once.

[Trek]

Thanks for the tip

 

I think im going to give it one more week at the very least. I dont want my emotions to get in the way so i have to mentally prepare myself.

 

Before the break up she kept telling me how she didnt know how she could help me, and that i really needed to change myself and my bipolar behavior before i worked on the relationship. I feel like a lot of the reflecting ive done over the past few weeks has helped me look at the situation in a better way, and i feel like i wont get as upset as i did during the last month of the relationship, but i need to be absolutely positive.

[Trek]

Still on the fence about saying something to her. Maybe it would be best if i just left her to contact me whenever she's ready? I dunno, still nervious about the whole thing. The fact that i wont fight for her makes me think she assumes im giving up, or that she just wont bother to contact me whenever shes ready to talk, like shes waiting for me to approach her in a more nonchalant way. That was why i had issues with giving her space in the first place, i assumed space=eventually breaking up with me, but pushing her was just as bad

 

I guess making these assumptions isnt really helping my situation. One of the few things i did that always angered her, in fact assuming something was what got me in this situation in the first place.

[Ms Darcy]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling in this situation. The reason that advice can really be all over the place is because ultimately getting back together is going to depend on what she wants and we only know what you know, which is not much.

 

I would say the biggest concern in your situation is your behavior and assumptions. You basically give yourself a pass in saying your emotions can get away from you. This is not fair in a relationshio because you are expecting someone else to accommodate your actions. I am not saying there is no hope: I am saying you should take this time apart to really find ways of changing your ways of thinking and beahvior. Consider therapy. Best.