and so the contact continues

[a_little_sparrow]

Well,

 

I guess I should sum some things up. Me and my ex were together for 8 months, very serious. She had invited me to visit her family for the holidays. A lot of very serious talk. At one point we mutually came to a conversation about possibly moving in together. At the time I said I was kind of nervous about it because of my previous relationship. Then at the end of April she asks me for a break. Which I assent to. She says at first that she is afraid of getting hurt. Her previous bf had been with her off and on for four years, and they had talked about marriage, then he up and leaves her to go "find himself." At that point, I assured her I was ready to take the next step. Then five days later she's talking about how she's so confused and she doesn't want to be in a relationship where all she feels she's doing is thinking about marriage. She said she needed some time and space.

 

Well, I gave her only two and a half weeks of time and space before it finally drove me so crazy I had to ask her for a decision. As you can see from me posting here, she said she thought we should break up.

 

It's been almost six weeks since the breakup and four weeks to the day of no contact. Coming up to the school library today I ran into the ex as she was coming out the door. Fate has such a strange way of working sometimes. She looked good. And we were both happy to see each other. Though there were times when I personally felt short of breath because I was so overwhelmed with emotion on seeing her. But I managed to stay mostly collected.

 

We talked about trips. About what we were up to these days. I was perhaps a bit too nosy asking at one point who she had been hanging out with since she was back. Of course I was fishing, but I framed it as, "Hm, your two best friends have been out of town lately. Who have you been hanging out with?" Perhaps not so subtle, and she mentioned something about me having a strange response after. I'm not sure what she meant.

 

No such questions about who I might be hanging out with. Though she did ask after me. It felt a lot like a couple friends seeing each other again. Only one reference to the relationship and that happened when she asked me how my trip to New Mexico had gone. It was a trip we were supposed to take together, but we hadn't because she had asked for a break a couple weeks before it. And then when I got back, I had ended her time and space for the break and asked for her decision on the breakup.

 

So she asked about the trip, saying "I think I'd asked you about it before, but there were some other things going on at the time." And I just said, "Yeah, I was a little distracted." And laughed. It's kind of a way I have sometimes of dealing with hard things from the past, to look at them as though they're now kind of funny.

 

Anyway I think I kept the tone light enough. But there's that little let down after contact is made. Where the dumpee kind of goes, "How come this wasn't a bigger deal to her?" I have to thank my stars for this web site that I didn't break down in front of her. I didn't resort to talk about, "So have you thought about getting back together with me lately?" And most of all I have to credit this web site with the notion that if there's any chance of us getting back together, this kind of interaction is a positive nudge in that direction.

 

Yet still I have questions for the board. Is this something good? Her tone was so much more about being friends, and I really didn't sense much of that romantic spark that I would have hoped for. She has always said that she doesn't fall for a lot of guys, only three in her whole life, and I'm one of them. Yet one of the reasons for breaking up with me was that she didn't feel the intensity anymore. I've been crazy these last few days with desire for her. And after seeing her I'm glad I was able to see her, but, well, it's a bit disconcerting.

[arwen]

Ooo that must be unsettling!

 

Well, don't despair, I'd say. She's doing the same as you, right? No contact, being happy, and I think meeting you will make her think more about you. That might be positive, that might be negative. I cannot say how she feels. But I think being friendly is a good sign. At least she is not uncomfortable seeing you. She would be if she was seeing someone else, I think.

 

I know it's tearing you apart, but stay strong and don't contact her. Let her come to you. She wanted the break, she'll think seriously. It is not a bad sign to step aside the relation once in a while and see how you feel. But thank the good Lord we have internet and the confused partner can vent here!

 

 

 

Ilse.

[a_little_sparrow]

Thanks ilse. Yeah, I feel in a way that I'm making kind of a big deal out of nothing. I mean it's not like she opened some subject related to the relationship. And neither did I. I even feel as though I was exaggerating about the whole out of breath thing. I told her some funny stories, she told me some. It was generally pleasant.

 

And in the end, I don't feel like her seeing me is going to have much of an impact on anything. I suppose it was good finding out that she's not dating anyone right now--something I think I she would have mentioned when I asked who she'd been hanging out with. It's all mutual friends. I think she would have mentioned another guy if there was one.

 

I guess overall I was just needing some place to vent. Seeing her I was so elated, followed soon after by a bit of a crash.

[shockeddismayed]

You are doing fine sparrow!

 

Shake off this contact. Get back to "you" time. Do things for yourself, remember what makes you tick... all the good stuff. Set some goals and achieve them.

 

Remember... in this first contacts you have only one goal.... to be friendly, somewhat open, and YOURSELF. You accomplished all of that and then some.

 

If she is going to come back it is because of who you are.... you just gave her a nice light reminder of that.

 

Great job!!!

[TrueHeart]

Fear not, my brother.. Things look pretty good. Remember how you said you wanted to keep things pretty 'light' in conversation, especially since running into her was something out of the blue? I guarentee that she didn't want to come off too heavy either. Its easy to just 'small talk' when there is so much tension between 2 individuals. She's most likely thought about your encounter as well. Give it a day or two, perhaps give her a call just to see how she's doing. You DO want to appear the opposite that you have been doing by being (and remaining) optomistic, independent and confident. Ever heard the term "Keep smiling it makes people wonder what you're thinking?"--- that exact little "mystery" about you that will leave her wondering more and more.

 

Depending on whats going on in her life right now, I guarentee what neither of you need is drama.. You didn't break up on, what I would call, BAD terms, but just a separation to regather oneself. I think the conversation you had, though you feel was not what you expected, was PERFECT and probably couldn't have been delivered in a more appropriate fashion.

 

In her response to your answer about whose hanging with you being a 'strange answer'-- was probably a reference that she was not expecting the answer you gave-- thus, keeping the mystery about you.. She'll probably wonder about that answer, and think to herself EXACTLY what you thought to yourself at one point "I wonder why he said that?" I'd lay low for a bit, but you're right in feeling like you don't want to come off like a needy, desperate fool and ask right off the bat about your relationship. This doesn't mean that you SHOULDN'T express your feelings, but be discreet, concise and to the point. Remember, no one wants a Drama King or Queen.

 

If shes claimed there is only 3 in her life that she's fallen for-- you should feel priviledged to be one of those people. Trust in that, but don't sell yourself short. I would make casual contact at this point-- perhaps just to send an email, phone call... If her 2 best friends are out of town, maybe suggest you two get together for some coffee, or ice cream, or something "social". Remember when you see her, to be ever-smiling, optomistic and confident... You'd be surprised how you could kill someone with kindness, once again, the whole 'people wondering what your thinking'-- She will see it. Gravitate to the positiveness in you and thats the attraction.

 

This forum is GREAT therapy for a lot of people. I am thankful for it. And just remember that you are doing the right thing by seeking advice from other 'strangers'-- you're indefinitely on the right track! Stick to it! You're doing GREAT!!!

[a_little_sparrow]

Thank you all so much. This forum is really amazing. I woke up this morning with that ugly desperate need to call and start into some kind of begging mode. But of course I resisted. Discretion as Trueheart pointed out is key.

 

What's always so hard about any contact is not knowing what the other person is thinking. I walk away from this and think only that she's all resolved about the breakup. That she's saying to herself "It's a good thing. I made the right decision." Perhaps she is thinking that. But of course I go into overanalyzing mode and think too much about the slightest things. And I know that's not the healthy thing to do. I know I've posted advice to others not to read into the ex too much.

 

And I guess what I really need to do is kind of relax about things. The fact is that once the school year starts we'll most likely have quite a bit of contact. She's in a graduate program that I graduated from a couple years ago, and that I continue to do work for. There will be parties, and outings, all opportunities for me to, as s&d says, be myself. And even though part of myself wants so desperately to just pull her into me and hold on tight, I know she has to be interested in that for it to happen.

 

I have to admit that I'm torn about the contact thing. There's actually something that I was thinking to email her about--something light and I think of interest to her. But a part of me says that she really wants the summer to herself. One of the huge catalysts for the breakup was her seeing her old boyfriend at some bar back in mid-April. Two weeks after that she went into this whole thing about being confused--saying she wanted more commitment from me then not wanting any commitment. And she even told me that seeing him made her question everything that we had. And that's when she asked for the break, which led to the breakup.

 

Thanks everyone for the support!

[craigblitz]

start into some kind of begging mode - - - Yeah that is no good at all, safe your pride buddy I am glad you realized that.

 

What's always so hard about any contact is not knowing what the other person is thinking. ---- Man you will drive yourself nuts thinking like that. Trust me I am the king of saying oohh she said this she must have meant this, etc etc... Take it as face value... ALWAYS

 

I have to admit that I'm torn about the contact thing. - - - Nobody is sure about it. I think if you do NC then it is for you. Limiting contact is a form of healing and keeping doors open. Good luck finding the balance there.

 

All your friends and strangers on here have said the same things.. Give her time. Will she come back, your guess is as good as mine. But in time if you were good to her she will never forget you and you maybe always the one she let go. So head up take care of you right now.

[TrueHeart]

My applause to you all... Sparrow... You've got allies here..

[a_little_sparrow]

Well,

 

So I know I continue to react to the teeniest tiniest things. But I thought it was interesting, especially in light of TrueHeart's recommendation that I email her in the next few days. She just emailed me! Nothing terribly important, only an address for someone we know mutually. But it's also an address she could have asked someone else for.

 

This email, as well as the last one that she sent when she initiated contact starts with, "Sorry to bother you," which I guess I always feel a slight twinge of disappointment over. But I won't make a big deal of it.

 

So, yes, I know this is so small. And I'll answer the email, probably including what I was going to say in the email I had thought to send her. And then just leave the contacting in her court again, and content myself with very low expectations otherwise.

[TrueHeart]

Excellent! Sounds like a great gameplan! Its interesting that she could have gotten the address from someone else-- but DIDN'T! And her salutation of "..don't want to bother you.." leaves me thinking that she's trying to break NC for little reasons... that she REALLY does want to talk to you.. Why else out of a few other people would she ask YOU of all of them for the address? Think about it I would use the opportunity to tell her in the email what you feel, perhaps... and then include the address at the bottom... Use your discretion though... yes?

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey supergirl,

 

I decided just to stick to upbeat and nice. One of the things that she stressed when we talked after the breakup itself was that she wanted it to offer some closure to what had happened between us. At that point she mentioned she wasn't completely settled with her decision, but she thought the closure really was an important point for both of us. The break itself had caused me so much anxiety and heartache, I needed to move away from that time. I'm sure for her there were negative associations with the time as well.

 

And no contact has definitely given me that space to breathe and collect myself. My thoughts at this point are to let her initiate any contact, and to be positive and nice during those interactions. And not to think too seriously about the chance we might get together again until the end of the summer. Of course if she started a conversation with me about it, I wouldn't be elusive. But at this point I don't expect she's going to start that kind of conversation with me.

 

And so I admit that at this point I defer to the ways of others on this board that advocate positive contact.

[a_little_sparrow]

So just a brief update on this, mainly because I've been getting kind of upset over this whole thing, and I guess I just need someone to tell me to relax and let all things happen in time.

 

So after emailing her the address, and the nice little item of interest, I've heard nothing back from her. Not even a quick note thanking me for sending on the address--which is actually pretty uncharacteristic of her.

 

I know what I need to do is concentrate on the more positive side of this whole thing. I saw her at school, and then two days later she emailed me nothing emotional, just a quick request for an address. Why can't I be happy with knowing she thought of me? Why can't I just settle back into the whole no contact thing and then wait to see what happens in the future?

 

Any insight would definitely be appreciated.

[neelie]

what was the nice item of interest? I wouldn't get too upset over her not responding, I had the same experience recently, running into him at a July 4th party...I sent him a short email: nice to see him, he looked good, etc. if he's ready to get a coffee sometime, but haven't heard from him at all yet! (what do you think?) As for you, don't let her see how much you miss her until you know it's safe. You may want to send her an email or letter, see my latest post on "strategy..." That will be tough since you will run into each other regularly, just hold yourself up high and smile nonchalantly, when you see her and don't ask whose she's been with, it's thinly disguised.

 

Cheers

[a_little_sparrow]

Thanks for responding Neelie. The item of interest was regarding some poems that I had read recently in a lit journal that I thought she might find interesting. Last I'd seen her she had mentioned that she was having a hard time writing this summer, and these particular poems addressed a family situation that was somewhat similar to a family situation she had had to deal with--so I thought it might help her see how someone else explored that type of subject.

 

As it turns out, this afternoon I decided to resend the email, with just a little tag to make sure she got the address. It really was uncharacteristic of her not to send something back saying thanks, and well, you know how I was a bit thrown. She emailed back fairly soon with a thank you and then telling me about her move this past weekend (she moved into a new apartment, which accounts for the lag), and then a quick little story about needing to glue a little piece on her desk. Much more than I was expecting!

 

I'm not sure how to respond from here, whether I should keep up a light-hearted email conversation or let things return to no contact. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

I know the question about who she's with was thinly disguised, and I can guarantee that she saw the same thing. I can also agree it would not be healthy to ask that question again.

 

As for you, it's definitely a sticky situation. I would say wait a bit for him to get back with you. Mainly because you want to know that he has some interest in spending time with you. And if he shows that interest then I would consider over coffee going into the subject you felt was causing problems with the relationship. But approach it in the way that you describe the guys writing a letter on your "strategy..." post. You don't intend to use this as a way of manipulating him to coming back to you. Only to let him know that this was the reason you reacted the way you did, and you're really sorry about it. From a guy perspective that kind of apology and explanation could shift you from "psycho-woman I loved, and now I'm away from" to "woman I loved, and now I'm no longer with." And I would think there's more of a chance for something new in the latter category instead of the former.

[shockeddismayed]

Sparrow: Relax and let all things happen in time.

 

Seriously... you are doing fine. But beware:

 

1) You had six weeks since the break up and 4 weeks of NC to "recover". DON'T just assume that you are healed forever... notice how it felt NOT to get an email response from her... this is the VERY reason why you can't initiate contact. It was a big risk for you to send the second email... imagine how you'd have felt if she didn't respond to it either.

 

2) I heard the EXACT same thing from my EXGF when she went from a break to a break up... within a day or two she was telling me that she just felt like she needed to give me an answer for closure, but in truth she hadn't decided about our future. In fact... about 6 weeks after that is when she started contacting me... talking about trying again "in a while" .

 

I took the ball and ran with it, and after that point we were in email or phone contact every two weeks for the next two months... exchanging emails about what could change, etc.

 

What happened? In that two months of mixed messages and emotional turmoil, we both burned out to the point of exhaustion. Can we recover? Who knows.

 

Ok so what is my point... my point is that if you DO NOT let things happen at her pace, you risk the same thing... burning each other out. You need to tell yourself that until she says the words "I want to try again right now", you will treat everything she says with an ounce of aloof... you care, but you ARE NOT going to let it bother you.

 

She is confused... don't let her reflect that confusion on you. You are not confused... but if you continue to contact her, you will become terribly lost in this emotional rollercoaster.

 

My EXGF went through what were (in hindsight) some predictable patterns. She'd contact me, we'd talk, she'd share her feelings... I'd share mine... it was all very positive, and then she'd back away for a few weeks. What was she doing? Invariably I'd find out she was absorbing things... and then just the day or two before I'd break down and call, she'd been crying and worrying she was loosing me. I'd call.... it would reaffirm that I was still waiting for her, and she'd go right back into her safe "he'll wait, so I can take my time" mode. This continued until I was at the brink of sanity again....

 

KEEP YOUR DISTANCE in the same way you did when you were trying to recover... there is nothing about this period that REQUIRES you to contact her or even answer her beckon call.

 

WASTE NO ENERGY AT ALL on her until she says those words... you will need EVERY ounce of it for the difficult "trying again" period.

 

Trust me on that... I've been where you are.

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey s&d,

 

You're right. First off I can see that I'm not fully "recovered." I mean it felt REALLY good to get this email from her (and yes it was a terrible risk resending, who knows how I'd be now if she hadn't responded), but I could feel that ugly desperation creep in when I received nothing from her. And second I've got to resist the temptation to start creating activity around us until she gives a clearer signal that that's what she's interested in.

 

Or IF she gives that signal--nothing's for certain.

 

Ugh. The bright side is that there has been some contact, and all contact so far has been positive. I've read in other posts where you mention to be prepared to travel the longer distance, not the shorter one. A sentiment I'm sure we can both relate to at this point.

[a_little_sparrow]

My gosh, when it rains it just pours. This in a good way I hope.

 

So a mutual friend of EX and I called this morning saying that he had decided to have a karaoke party for his going away. He was inviting me, and then he asked how I would feel if he called EX and asked her to come also. It's one of EX's favorite things to do, and she and this guy who is leaving have a really good time with it, even doing duets and things like that.

 

My response was that, yes, I would like to see EX if she came. Then, in my more clumsy moment (I have so many clumsy social moments), I said, I definitely won't be bent in pain if she would come. God I can be so stupid sometimes. So then I repeated the first thing again. A little awkward I know.

 

I talked to the guy again this afternoon and among other things he said EX would be there.

 

I'm not expecting anything from this. In fact, all day I've had those more depressed moments where I feel like things might not work out. She might not recover feelings for me, and I'll just have to work through this desire to be with her again.

 

But on the bright side, she's not trying to avoid me, and I can recognize that being on good terms is essential to any future possibilities. Another bright side, karaoke party is actually what she and I were doing a lot of during the courtship phase, and we did it quite a bit while dating. She's such a hound for it, and I really have fun doing it too. So. I guess we'll have to see what happens. And I need to remember: positive attitude.

[a_little_sparrow]

horrible horrible horrible.

 

So thinking that last night was going to be fun, just a bunch of us hanging out. And it was nice, and I did have fun. But she was also very distant, and trying very hard to not give me the wrong impression. And how do I know this? Because I made one of those horrible phone calls after we had all gone home and decided to talk. I don't know why I did this. I guess I just couldn't stand the distance that she was obviously trying to create between us.

 

In the phone call she made very clear that she has lost feelings for me, and that she even wonders if the attraction was as strong as she first thought. She seems to be thinking now that perhaps she just WANTED to have intense feelings for me, and so thereforeeee she kind of convinced herself that what we had was wonderful, and now she's thinking that it wasn't as great as she first thought. All of this seven weeks after the breakup. I really see no reason for hope anymore. Perhaps this is just showing me that I wasn't really healing, I was just hoping that I could wait for the relationship to come back around.

 

I did tell her the things that I thought I had done to contribute to the breakup. Things that I have been thinking about. And she just said that I shouldn't beat myself up about those things. They weren't the only thing to cause the breakup. I agreed but said that they had something to do with it.

 

I also found out last night that she's now moved into the partying stage. This is one of the things I kind of suspected she would do because she's young (24), and she hadn't really had a partying stage before. This doesn't mean she's seeing other guys at this moment, but considering where she seems to be in disconnecting herself from me, I don't think it will be long. Though she also doesn't seem like much of the dating type. Who knows what she'll find in the near future.

 

And so the hardest process of all: letting go for good.