Is it me or is my bf trying to kill my self-esteem

[LovelyLust]

Hello readers I really need some insight on this situation b\c its really bothering me, here goes.

 

My boyfriend of 6 months does not compliment me, he rarely tells me that i look good or that he likes my hair things like that. At first i thought that i was being silly b\c i can't help it i love flattery its one of my weaknesses. Then i noticed that he wasn't too shy to tell me that he's only dated cute girls and how his ex gf's all just had nice styles in clothes, shoes, and purses. I love all three of those things and he knows it. So i started to feel a bit jealous thinking that maybe i should start buying new things, it was time to do my shopping for summer so i thought that since the seasons where changing i would buy new things and kinda put some fire to my plan but cute clothes. That didn't do it. He still didn't compliment me like i wanted in fact i get more compliments from guys i dont know than from my own bf. Recently he went on this talk-a-thon and wanted to tell me about all the cute stylish girls in his past. Not one time did he mention me as one of those girls that he just o so loved everything about. But I knew better b\c they are the past and figured he was just trying to make me jealous. Two days ago i went over to his house to have dinner and he pointed out that he thought the dress i had on was out of season, when did straight guys start paying attention to that. The dress was tight and short. To any other guy im sure thats all would have mattered. That was it I had enough. We argued about it for a while then i laughed it off b\c I know my fashion even if i dont look like a runway model everyday. So then when im leaving he tells me that he likes my hair but it needs to be cut. I got my hair cut this past winter (09) i've always had long hair so i wanted to kind of switch it up a bit and go for a short bob which is in style where i live. Anyway im now trying to let it grow back and he knows ths and now he's saying cut it, he likes girls with long hair so thats part of the reason im letting in grow out. Ok now today 9-15-10, the craziest thing happened to me while i was at lunch frm work, i was walking to my car and a guy was looking at me you know giving me that " I think you're cute" look and i smiled and kept walking. Then im ordering my food and it was like random guys started trying to get my attention like yelling at me at smiling at me and standing close to me. No lie, I was not dreaming. I texted my bf and told him about it and made sure to mention that i liked it but im all his. He didn't reply but called me later. When he called i was telling one of my friends about it and we made a joke about it so i was laughing. Picked up and he asked why was i still talking about that he said " So a couple of dudes try and get with you and you get the big head". My smile turned into a frown. I explained that yes i was flattered but im no ugly girl and im used to the attention but i though it was weird. He then asks me if i want a cookie and makes up somthing about him having to get off the phone. He really made me feel bad this time like im nothing. Ive always been told that beauty is skin deep and that the outside has to match the inside so im not like this chick who thinks im God's gift to men. Im just a regular girl and I love being just a regular girl. Can somebody tell me if Im being shallow or vein or if he is trying to make me feel bad due to him having self-esteem issues. I feel like he only notices my flaws and then he tells me "well if i didn't care about you i wouldnt say anything." WTH!!!

[uncomfynumb]

How did he treat you in the beginning of the relationship? How is it different? Have you talked to him about how you feel, told him what you are telling us?

 

BTW, don't brag about other guys flirting with you to your BF. Not cool.

[livelarge]

I don't know if he's deliberately trying to kill your self-esteem but that is what is going to happen. You are not shallow, you are appropriately sensitive and he is inappropriately insensitive.

 

If you love flattery, there's probably a better guy out there for you. If you stay with him, please don't let him eat away at your self-esteem. Stay strong in the knowledge that you are special.

[jenny_mcs]

The next time he criticizes you, say something like "You know, I wouldn't mind the occasional critical comment so much if you also complimented once in a while."

[hannah_k]

I don't know if he's doing it on purpose. But it does sound like he has his own self-esteem issues. And it really sounds like he's focusing all that on you. There's nothing wrong with asking for a little positivity once in awhile.

 

By the way, uncomfynumb is absolutely right. Never talk about other guys flirting with you to your boyfriend. Unless it turns into a hilariously funny story or something. If he doesn't realize that other guys give you attention, you shouldn't have literally spell it out for him.

[turnera]

People with low self esteem very often put down people around them, so as to make themselves feel better.

 

Next time he mentions another girl, just say 'you're not allowed to compliment her until you pay ME a compliment.' With a smile.

 

Next time he tells you how to cut your hair, say 'Ok, great! I'll do it just as soon as you get that mohawk.'

 

 

Maybe he'll realize what he's doing.

[Jd1983]

It does sound like he's trying to bring you down to his level.

 

Rather than complimenting you, he seems to be constantly saying negative things about you. Seriously, who the hell cares if that dress is out of style? He should be loving you just the way you are. Please stop changing the way you are for someone that doesn't appreciate it.

[mutiny]

Honestly, I think you so far reacted to his criticisms more gracefully than I would have (except for the talking about guys flirting with you). My boyfriend once mentioned some Korean chick he used to go out with in high school and how she's "porn star hot" now and everyone thinks so, and then added as an afterthought that I was cute too. And just that one thing one thing was enough get me mad at him for a little while! Mainly because of the principle of thing, it simply isn't right to talk about how attractive your ex-girlfriends are to your current girlfriend, especially if you aren't even going to compliment her as well! Its just plain disrespectful in my opinion. So kudos to you. And why does even care about your fashion style? Is he gay? Does he go out to a lot of parties full of very wealthy people on a regular basis, where everybody judges you on what you wear? I don't get it, but you definitely need to talk to him about this.

[AndiD]

100% agree with what JD1983 said.

[LovelyLust]

How did he treat you in the beginning of the relationship? How is it different? Have you talked to him about how you feel, told him what you are telling us?

 

BTW, don't brag about other guys flirting with you to your BF. Not cool.

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply, in the beginning I didn't pay much attention to compliments b\c i figured i must have some quality that he likes if he wanted to get to know me. He told me the first time he saw me he knew he had to have me. But as time went on he started to act as if he didn't see what he saw in me before. The bragging about the other guys was uncool but i wanted him to know that other guys find me attractive and give me compliments why can't he.

[LovelyLust]

I don't know if he's doing it on purpose. But it does sound like he has his own self-esteem issues. And it really sounds like he's focusing all that on you. There's nothing wrong with asking for a little positivity once in awhile.

 

By the way, uncomfynumb is absolutely right. Never talk about other guys flirting with you to your boyfriend. Unless it turns into a hilariously funny story or something. If he doesn't realize that other guys give you attention, you shouldn't have literally spell it out for him.

 

 

 

 

I agree with bragging. He did say that he has some issues with his self-esteem but i didn't know exactly what was the issue

[namelesslady]

What. A. Jerk. Sorry, but this guy sounds a little too critical and picky. He's trying to change you and that's not right. I notice the girl, NOT how 'out of season' her dress it. If you were my girl, you'd be beautiful to me with long hair, short hair, an in season dress, an out of season dress, etc. The clothes don't make the girl, the girl makes the clothes. You shouldn't have told him about other guys flirting with you, but I understand why you did it. You wanted him to know that you are considered desirable and attractive. I feel that every woman she be made feel beautiful and desired by her significant other. Do you compliment him? Believe it or not, guys enjoy being feeling loved and wanted and physically attractive. He's destroying your self-esteem. Either mention it to him kindly or get out of the relationship. He has absolutely no right bringing up how well girls in his past have dressed and how in style they were. He's judging you. The right guy will love you and find you gorgeous in either an elegant gown or a t-shirt and jeans. Don't settle for less than you deserve, beautiful lady.