Yep....I'm not superhuman. Freakin setback today!

[tryintosurvive]

Well like I've said everybody, a new girl or guy doesn't fix anything. Can't tell my current girlfriend so thats why I'm here. Anyhow, it's been weeks since I've had a hard cry over my X. Been 4 months now since I've seen her. Today at work I find myself crying at my desk praying nobody walks by and sees me. Damnit.....I don't want her back! But today was just one of those days where I couldn't fight back against the thoughts of the past. Arrggh! God I wish there was such a place that exists as in the movie "Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". God how I wish!

 

I love my new girlfriend. She is so much better for me in so many ways. She is absolutely crazy over me. Would do anything for me. And has. So why doesn't that overshadow my X? Why do we still care about people that don't care about us anymore? I feel sometimes like that woman who gets the crap beat outta her every day from her crazy husband. She doesn't want that life yet she can't leave because she still cares about him. In comparison, I don't want my X anymore because she couldn't and wouldn't treat me as good as my current girlfriend, so why the hell can't I get my X outta my head????

 

I know, I'm rambling. Just one of those setback days. I will be so glad when this rollercoaster comes to a stop. I know it will. Thanks for letting me vent!

[AutumnBorn]

We all have setbacks once in awhile. It's only temporary.

 

Here's something you can do that's productive. Make a list of all the reasons you should be happy your ex is out of your life - every insult, slight, thoughtless or cruel action or inaction, every warped,deranged, ugly thing she said or did.

 

If that doesn't help, make a list of all the qualities you want in a life partner and a list of her qualities. How many match up?

 

You'll feel better tomorrow, but why do you have a girlfriend if you aren't really done processing the prior break-up? How long has it been?

[LarsWB]

Man I hear you loud and clear, and I don't have an answer. One day I feel stronger than I have in a year - the next day I'm in the dumps so bad I'm unable to get out. One thing I can't figure out is HOW somebody can do something like this to me? I use to always be in control of my feelings and emotions. My wife has destroyed me in many ways - and the fact that she doesn't care just makes it feel worse. I've met a very sweet lady, very kind to me and so beautiful I can't believe it....but my heart is telling me that I'm not anywhere NEAR ready. It's makes me so pissed to think that after all the pain my wife has put me through, she STILL has a certain type of control over me that I'm having trouble shaking. That control is keeping me from moving on with my life, and causing me to HURT every day when I'm SO TIRED OF FEELING LIKE THIS. I was even thinking of seeing a hypnotist or something, a shamen, I don't know....SOMEBODY to get these feelings out of my heart and mind and MAKE HER GO AWAY so I can move on with my life. I feel ya man, I really do. I wish you the best and like AutumnBorn said, make that list. I am, right now, so I can be angry with my wife this evening. That'll help me NOT feel any love for her, at least for a while.

[lavenderdove]

It sometimes takes a while for the emotions in your subconscious to catch up with your logical higher thinking processes. You get stuck in a groove that is obsessive, where you can't stop thinking about them. That groove has a really strong pull that you have to break out of and jumpstart your brain to stop giving into obsessive thoughts.

 

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. It is a technique that is very useful in breaking out of an obsessive groove that is more of a habit than anything, and you need to stop your brain from running in that groove and jump it into healthier grooves that don't revolve around your ex. It is very useful to align the reality of your current life with your thoughts, so please try it.

[tryintosurvive]

To first answer AutumnBorn my X girlfriend and I were done in April. I met my current girlfriend in church in late May when I wasn't even looking. I wasn't in the mood for looking or even romance. It just happened. What started out as friends over coffee slowly evolved into love over a couple months. Yeah I know, a couple months seems fast but we live less than three miles from each other and just had innocent fun together. We'd go to the races, festivals, cook dinner etc and things just started to happen. I didn't plan it. I don't know why but yesterday was just a downer for whatever reason. It's been a few weeks since I've had a good cry and today I feel much better. I'm not 100% over my X girlfriend. I'm not 100% over my X wife from my divorce in April of 2009. I still care about these two people. I'm not a robot where I can just shut that off. I wish I was believe me. But at the same time I'm not gonna throw away someone that is gold to me right now just because I have these "occasional" memories uninvitingly invade my brain. My heart knows and accepts that these two past relationships are done but my stupid brain acts like a computer hardrive thats gone haywire jumbling over old data when not requested. Probably doesn't help either that in my childhood I had mild ADD which has probably followed me into adulthood. For the most part I can control the pop-up jumbled thoughts us ADD people can have at times and I'm ok. But there are those days like yesterday that happen when it's overhwhelming. I don't want drugs and I don't need drugs. Not going there. Maybe I'm foolish for saying no to the medication but I can't afford it nor a 100 bucks an hour for counselling so I do what I can.

 

Lavenderdove thanks for the referral. I will try that technique. I also started a Divorce Care class Sunday that is a 13 week program. I think it will help me tremendously.

 

Lars thanks for the support. I know your going through a lot of issues too. Yesterday was a minor setback. You think your doing great, then WHAM! The brain goes hey remember this crap?! Well I don't wanna remember that because I've delt with it already. So be prepared for setbacks. I've accepted they are gonna happen. But thank God I'm not numb and crying every day like I did for weeks a couple months ago. Man that was hell. Just looking back I'm sooooo much better. I'm healing. But it's just a slow process and I've just accepted the fact that I will have setbacks.

 

I think part of why this stuff resurfaced is because I've been on this forum a little too often helping others and reading posts. This place is great but I think I need a break.

It's a double edged sword. The info here has helped me heal but at the same time I think you can get too much of a good thing and it makes you nuts. If im not around for a while or posting you all will know why.

 

Thanks for everyones support. It means so much knowing I have a place to go when I need it. It seems nobody else truly understands us out there in the real world so I'm thankful for this place.

[onayrb]

It looks like you have a habit of starting a new relationship before you have fully healed from your last (your ex wife and now your ex girl causing you emotions still....!)

I'm not suggesting you dump your current girlfriend, but please focus on healing from the other relationships. Quite complex, so counselling should help you unwravel all this and move on.

Good luck

[linda1984]

I am so glad I have read these posts. I 'm currently going through a break up with a divorcee, I was playing the role of the sweet girlfriend and I got hurt at the end of the day because he wasn't ready to move on. All I can say to you guys is that you need to make sure that you are ready for your current relationships because I'm shattered over this guy. But good luck to you all. I seem to understand now why he did what he did, because nothing he was saying was making any sense.

[LarsWB]

I feel ya- there just is NO way, right or wrong, for some of us to get through something like this quickly. I'm like you, I can't shut things off easily...and I'm having a tough time hardening my heart up. I mean, it's been over three months for me since she physically left...not very long says my therapist, but our problems and my heartbreak started well over a year ago. Her timing of leaving couldn't have been worse - it happened when things started to get better between us.

Doesn't make it any easier though - it actually makes it 10X worse I believe, simply because I had my heart wide open to her - in response to her actions towards me.

She acted like she loved me, that things were getting better, that there was a chance. It's crazy.

I've had a little setback too..I've TRIED so hard to keep NC but HAD to break it yesterday to tell my wife about our daughter's car tags...our daughter just left for college last weekend and it was urgent...anyway I emailed me wife about the tag, made the email upbeat and funny (like I always did when we were together) and ended it with a 'take care'. I didn't expect a response, didn't want a response....I mean...I wrote it in a way that none was needed.

Well, she responded - told me how well our daughter was doing, and ended her email with a which just plain set me back MONTHS it seems. It felt like a knife again. Just seeing that stupid little smiley. I woke up this morning down like I haven't been in many many weeks. I tried NOT to respond, to go back to NC (which I see now is impossible with kids, I'll have to live with LC I guess) but I emailed her back this morning...against my better judgment....that 'I'm glad our daughter is settled, she deserves it, I'm proud of her, and that my son and I miss her already' basically. I can't do that anymore, I have to go back to as much NC as possible.

Anyway, to add more drama to the mix - I've met a beautiful woman...I mean a knockout, and I wasn't looking and I'm not prepared for it. Out of the blue. She's very sweet to me and I'm not sure how to respond to it right now. We'll be friends only for now, I know that for sure, because right now that's as far as I'm going to open my heart.

Today I'm trying to bring my mind, body, heart and soul BACK to the present, back to this moment...telling myself that these memories are NOT real, they're only memories in my mind that cause me pain and suffering. Mind puts in a memory, chemical released, heartache. It's that simple. It's also very difficult to battle your mind.

I can give you all the advice in the world and not follow it myself...but let's hang in there as best as we can, yes?

We'll have setbacks but they'll get fewer and fewer over time, so I've been told.

I wish you the best man, I really feel your pain right now.

[VinnieMarlboro]

Sorry to highjack your post tryintosurvive

 

Lars - I have read your advice and truthfully it is fantastic. I'm in a similar situation re LC for kids. Keep your communication with your X about the kids only. Write it as a business letter. No happy upbeat bullsh*t, no smileys, no take cares - straight to the point and do not waiver. You can not see it as breaking NC if your are discussing kids only - if you stray and ask how she is doing etc - then that is breaking NC. Dont beat yourself up - we all make mistakes - the true value is what we learn from them. Read and live this post(if you havent seen it already) -

 

 

 

 

You've met this new lady- that is fantastic - me too! Women are different to us men. Be open and honest with her and tell her how you are feeling - she will love it. I not advocating every time you see her you say - I woke up sh*t this morning. She, I presume, is aware of your situation and she will show great empathy. They really are more suited to this than we are, females have that remarkable capacity to listen - it is a rare commodity in a male. Dont let it consume your friendship with her. She is a different person, a new person and thus a new relationship - learn about her and LET her learn about you. Take it slow and at a pace both of you are comfortable with. Try this one - call her and say your feeling a bit down - I need a little bit of happy - do you think you can give that to me? And look out - it then becomes a challenge for her to cheer you up! I done it - accidently - and 2 hours later we were both happy and begging for more. Bear in mind - a 5 minute phonecall for me is a long one. It probably(nay it does) fly in the face of the nonchalance post, but hey - who cares! Its also something that you can only do once.

 

I have re read some of your posts - Are you hoping to reconcile? It seems to me, you, like me, have had your 2nd chance. From the post above you seem very angry, resentful and disappointed (we've all been there) in what your X has done to you - I get a feeling that forgivness is not entering your mind right now. If not, then realign what you are aiming for - shoot for indifference. Here's an analogy -

 

'She was the brightest star in the sky, but has now faded to be just another one of the billions out there '

(key words - 'was' and 'now')

 

You now have the opportunity to to brighten your night sky with another star.

 

Wrestle your X's control off her and give it to yourself by being indifferent to her. Anger, resentment, disappointment and bitterness are all negative feelings invoking negative thoughts, you feel what you think - indifference is neutral. You will feel a whole lot better.

[LarsWB]

Vinnie - can't thank you enough for your post. Things I needed to hear! Believe me, I'm trying - using all the tools - and in all honesty I'm moving forward with less moving backward...but of course, like the OP, have setbacks. Not as many as initially, but they come up. Forgiveness...don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Reconciling...at first I was desperately trying. Today I'm not sure how I'm feeling about that. I'm struggling with whether I'm missing her, or missing something else. We'll see what time does for me...what the universe hands me.

Indifference....that's what I'm seeking. Looking forward to it, that's for sure.

Good luck to you and once again thanks for the positives!

[Philos]

Actually makes me feel happy knowing that my ex, who I lived with for over a year, moved on in about two weeks (maybe sooner!). Well, that doesn't make me happy, what makes me happy is reading your story.

[SmilingKatty]

I love my new girlfriend. She is so much better for me in so many ways. She is absolutely crazy over me. Would do anything for me. And has. So why doesn't that overshadow my X? Why do we still care about people that don't care about us anymore?

I think that is the problem - you are more likely to want something, that you cannot have... I am in a similar situation myself... Something that comes easy is not so pleasurable...

I am sure, that you wouldnt accept her back, if she asked for reconciliation...