I gave her a choice, was I wrong ??

[SadMan]

My ex and I were together for 5 years and broken up 8 months ago with no contact for about 7 months until few weeks ago that she told me she is single again. We broke up because she left me with another guy. and during the time she was with him, he didnt treat her right and now she is single again.

 

For the past three weeks we started to talk like friends and then got into this really weird relationship where we act like bf and gfs but we were not. She crys to me and tells me how much she miss me during that time of no contact, tells me how much she still likes me.

 

However she told me that she cant get into any relationship right now because she doesnt have a stable job.

 

When we go out, we act like bf and gfs, did more than what bf and gfs would usually do, we even had sex serval times.

 

But two days ago, when I when out with her in the morning, I kinda blow up in her face because I know that she was paying bills for her ex and I was upset that she was taken advantage of. But that kinda back fired and she was upset coz I didnt change the attitude of caring into yelling........

 

Then the rest of the day was good.....then at night we had a serious talk about us. I told her I want to be with her again. Then she said she wants to be honest and told me that she had sex with some guy she likes last week and I asked her why are you doing this to yourself. She said she doesnt know and she just doesnt want to settle down right now.

 

I told her how much this "PLAYING AROUND" is hurting me and I ask her if I was doing this, how would you feel ? She told me she would feel hurt too.

 

So I gave her a choice of keep playing around and lose me for good, or stop all this playing and start over with me. She asked me if theres a time frame that she has to reply. I stupidly told her that she can tell me whenever she is ready and I wont see her during the time. She gave me a big hug and I told her to think about it carefully and she said okay and I left her house.

 

I drove out for like five mins and the she called me to see if I am okay driving at late at night....... at that time I was happy she called coz seems like she still cares about me......

 

So you guys think what I did was right ?? Am I pushing her in a way? I read all the post that myjoy have posted about giving them space but what she was doing forced me to make her choose...... I dont want her to turn into a B****h.....

 

When should I call her back if she doesnt call me for weeks or months ?

 

So far its been 3 days since I last saw her and told her to choose.....

 

Should I just take back the ultimatem??

 

Call her and tell her that

 

" I've thought about it, I dont want to force you to choose anything....... I know I am just a friend to you right now.... you can do what ever you want....... we can continue to go out if you like with out the sex part"...

 

You think its a good idea to take back what I've said and apologies to her about the whole thing and just be natural ?

 

or

 

I should just let it play along and dont do anything and wait for an answer ???

 

I dont want to screw this up......

 

thank you all for taking the time to help me...

[Meow18]

I'm not sure if it was right of you to make her choose. That just sounds kind of controlling to me. Shes free to do what she wants & whatever she chooses, you just need to see if you can live with that. I think it would be a good idea to take the whole thing about her choosing back. Maybe she's just not sure if she's ready to be in a relationship with anyone. I think she likes you, but she's also confused at the same time. What you should do is let her know that you want to be with her again (which you already did). Thats all you can do at this point. So now she knows that you want to be with her, so its up to her. If she wants to be with you also, then she will say so.

I think you should call her & tell her what you were thinking about saying..

"I've thought about it, I dont want to force you to choose anything....... I know I am just a friend to you right now.... you can do what ever you want....... we can continue to go out if you like with out the sex part"...

She is free to do what she wants at this point & hopefully this will make her think about what she's doing to herself (having sex with all these guys). You need to decide what you want to. If she's not willing to stop messing around, do you still want to hang around her? Are you going to continue having sex with her & acting as though you are boyfriend & girlfriend?

Bascially she needs to decide for herself what she wants, without having certain things to choose between & then whatever she chooses, you need to decide if thats something you want to deal with.

[Gilgamesh]

My ex and I were together for 5 years and broken up 8 months ago with no contact for about 7 months until few weeks ago that she told me she is single again. We broke up because she left me with another guy. and during the time she was with him, he didnt treat her right and now she is single again.

 

I am sorry, but I cant help but think what she did, and how she did it, she tells you her Ex didn't treat her right, yet, she is paying his Bills, interesting that, and what was it she said?:

 

However she told me that she cant get into any relationship right now because she doesn't have a stable job

 

So let me get this straight, she cant have a relationship with you because she don't have a stable job, but she can support an ex that didn't treat her right.........ok.

 

I wonder what she told that other guy about you, you think she told him she left you because you were such a great guy? what do you think?

 

Well now that things didn't work out with mister wonderful, she comes running back to you, for support, and sex with you still isn't just enough, she has to go out and do it with some other guy too.

 

I really like this:

So I gave her a choice of keep playing around and lose me for good, or stop all this playing and start over with me. She asked me if theres a time frame that she has to reply

 

Seems like something from a comedy, hey can you be faithful to me?, Hmm I don't know, can I think about this?

 

Sadman, I do not want to see you get hurt again, this is the same woman that hurt you 8 months ago, she hasn't changed, and probably never will.

[Mar]

I have to agree, it really doesn't sound as though her heart is into making this work. If this ex was such a lame guy, why is she paying his bills when she apparently can't even really make ends meet for herself, hence the "I can't have a relationship till I have a stable job" thing. Where I come from, that's one of the nice things about a relationship.....you know you can rely on your partner to help you out with those bills and such, so it's not so overwhelming.

 

And the part that REALLY bugs me (and I think others will agree) is that, when given a choice, she asked to "think about it." Why?

 

SadMan, this girl isn't into commitment right now. I don't know if she just enjoys playing the field and having you to run back to when she's lonely or what, but this isn't healthy for you whatsoever. You're giving her way too much power, and letting yourself be used in the process. I'm pretty sure you're not going to enjoy the position of doormat very long.

 

Let her go. Granted, it may not have been wise to make her choose, but you're getting your answer now regardless. She's had 3 days to think about it, and if her feelings were as strong as yours, she wouldn't have had to think about it, because the opportunity to get back together with you was presented to her as neatly as possible.

 

I'm sorry to sound so defeatist, but she's not good for you. Not to mention the fact that you don't know who she's been with and what she may have picked up. Yes, that sounds extreme, but if she's that casual about her affairs and the guys she's with, well....

 

You can do better than this one. I know the breakup hurts, and I know you're sick of hearing "it'll get better, you'll find someone else", but the nice thing is that you WILL. Don't let loneliness make you accept less than you're worth. She had her chance and has apparently made her choice. I would just e-mail her/call her, whatever, and let her know that you're getting the feeling that she's not ready to be with you again, and so rather than make her choose, you're letting her go so you can get on with your respective lives. She may not enjoy it, but maybe it'll make her think twice about treating a relationship so casually in the future.

 

Mar

[saltwatergirl]

with Gilgamesh. Is there a time frame???? I laughed outloud when I read that, I thought it was the punchline for a joke to come....but it wasn't.

 

I'm sorry that you are being mistreated. But, you did nothing wrong here. She is clearly not at the same place that you are. I do NOT advice calling back and crawfishin' . Why would you even WANT someone who has to "think about" whether or not she can be with you. You are worth much more than that. Give another girl the chance to show you how much you mean to them and how very important you are to them. If she calls back, I'd tell her "sorry your time ran out last week" and I'd Move On.

 

You deserve better.

Salt

PS I've made a post on the "breaking up" board, titled "HELP", regarding my new stance on self respect, taking back control, and gaining the strength to stand up for yourself--- win, lose,or draw. It might be good for you to read it. It's on page 3, long but hopefully will give you some inspiration.