I made contact (day 36)

[danimal77]

Hello to all,

 

You may all remember me from my initial days on here, back in February and March? I had success in getting back my ex of 2 years, after there was no hope at all. She came back fully on March 16 and left me again on May 27, at which point, I pursued her until June 7 and then stopped all contact, as per her request at the time. I hopped back on here on June 14 and have been one of the most controversial posters, due to the fact that I DO NOT support the NC theory.

 

Yes, I did use it for 25 days this time. Which is just short of a month and today, when I woke up, I said to myself, f@ck it and I decided to break contact, but not in the way that many on here have, by breaking down and being honest about your feelings for your ex and what you've been going through since they left you. I got dressed up pretty well and have made some visible changes to my appearance and wardrobe in the last month. I gathered up my courage and went in for the kill my friends. I broke the "SACRED" rule and made contact.

 

I went to her store and I walked in on a mission, not to convince her of why she left me was such a bad idea, or that I have been miserable without her. I went in to support her decision and let her know how appreciative I was of her, to have had the courage to do what she did. I also told her that I f@cked up big time and I was honest, but not in a pathetic and weak way, but in a very self-assured and confident manner, that evoked a whole array of emotions on her part. My friends, for a woman who no longer "loved me", she sure did A LOT of crying and didn't refrain from telling me how much she cried while on vacation.

 

I played my cards right this time around, as I did the last time, but the only difference was that I wasn't playing. I was being real. Real as can be, but I had a hint of indifference and she seemed to be much more emotionally affected by my presense than I was of hers.

 

My friends, they can run, but I make sure that they cannot hide and I saw what happens when our ex's true feelings are unmasked. What lies beneath? Hurt, hurt and more hurt and repressed feelings=love. You have to go find it and bring it out. Do not sit back and wait forever. Do not hope they will call you. They won't. I promise you, they won't.

 

What was the outcome of today. Well, I opened a closed door and she even admitted that her defenses have lowered significantly in the last 5 and a half weeks. I was persuasive and in a non-threatening manner, had her agree to me calling her in a few days. This was the same woman who told me she would get the cops involved if I ever contacted her again. Things change. Love doesn't die. It goes in hiding until someone else comes along and temporarily fills their void, which is a concern I could and many would have at my point, seeing that I got word from a friend that merely an hour later, when she got hime, she was on her single chat line and has been hitting it hardcore since Monday.

 

The way I see it, is that those of our ex's who are on those single chat lines, are doing to for the same reason we are on Enotalone. We are here to get reassurance, comfort and not be judged. She doesn't want a relationship. She wants to forget the hurt and the pain and ESCAPE.

 

My friends, there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

 

Go after what you desire in life and never be afraid of the unknown.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

 

P.S. Anyone want advice or suggestion, reply here, or PM me

[Maverick44]

Hey danimal,

 

Just wanted to point out that I can see why you'd say you don't support NC for getting your ex back.

 

I don't support NC for getting your ex back either! I support NC because I think it is MY best chance for getting over an ex. I know for me that if I would have been in constant contact with my ex then I would have been hindering and slowing my life for her.

 

It's not that I think she'll call or come back but I did and she did want to move on. By us keeping in contact, especially in a pathetic state, she'll probably NOT want to come back and what happens to the other if her or I were to find another person while in contact? I think it would have created alot of undue pain. Better to not know in my book.

 

Sounds like you handled yourself well when talking to your ex recently. Honestly, I don't know if I would have done the same in your shoes at that point in time. Probably not. thereforeeee, again, for me it was better to stay away despite the pain it caused at that time.

 

Just wanted to provide my input!

 

Thanks!

 

Maverick

[skynet74]

Wow Dan, sounds like you lucked out. She could of totally freaked on you, but it sounds like you brought out some of her true feelings. Good for you. I agree that our Ex's are trying to fill a void like we are by posting here. My Ex has decided to move back into this house on the first floor. We previously shared an apartment on the 2nd. So I am thinking to myself that there is no way she would even consider living downstairs from me if all feelings were totally gone. I'm thinking she is feeling a little bit lonely. Maybe it's the first step in her and I getting back together. I don't know. But I do know that you've given a lot of people hope with what you did today. Thanks Dan.

 

 

 

 

John

[John1]

Danimal.

That is great... my case is different.. My ex dumped me 13 months ago as I cheated on her.. I was with her for 4 years... i was stupid.. and never did the NC thing... it was our 1st breakup and she was my 1st g/f, i phoned, wrote to her etc... she changed her number and like your ex she told me she would get cops involved if i keep pestering her looking for a 2nd chance.... now since xmas i have stopped harassing her. the last time i saw her was 28 days ago... and again i asked for 2nd chance - she said no.. she said why would she give me a 2nd chance as she is having a great time... it looked or felt like she was weakening though... she was warm and friendly BUT still said we would not be hanging out together, that if we see each other in the street or in the pub then we can talk but wont be arranging to hang out or anything.. SHE IS VERY VERY RESISTANT.. I know i hurt her.. Im NOW trying the NC .. BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE really... i dont have her phone number and she has moved out of home so I dont really see her anymore at all.. .i know she walks home from work BUT I DONT WANT TO STALK HER EITHER... I did that about 2 months ago.. i drove out to where she walks home.. i was bricking it... i waited in my car for 90 mins until i saw her.. she was stunned to see me.. but she agreed to talk to me..... i tested her .. i put my hand on her leg kind of subconsciously... she didnt remove it.. she lifted my shirt sleeve to see my new tattoo. she showed me her newly pedicured feet.. surely this isnt the girl who wont give me a 2nd chance... She doesnt hate me.. I know that.. but she told me she doesnt love me anymore.. that i dont deserve a 2nd chance... She did tell me she hasnt had sex since me so thats good to hear seens as we have split 13 months now.. I just dont want to pressure her anymore... Im only driving her away further if i see her again and ask again for 2nd chance.. .it doesnt look like shes going to call me , so im kind of stuck now.. not knowing what to do next... anyway danimal fair play to you, best of luck

[danimal77]

John,

 

My friend, sounds like you have the wrong mental state and goals in mind. Rather than using your head from day one in this situation, you have completely acted on impulse and let your emotions guide you.

 

I can literally tear apart your entire post, but I won't. There are ceratin fundamental key points that you have to understand before anything else and those being, if you want to have any chance of winning your ex back, you can't look to be winning her back in such an obvious way as you have.

 

You hit a key point, in that, you mentioned how much you have hurt her and hence, her having left you, but that is NOT the reason why she has been staying away from you for so long. No woman will be hurt and angry forever. Where you went wrong and where many of us have done as well, is that you continued to direspect her wishes and had then scared her in the process with your forcefulness.

 

Don't get me wrong, I admire your persistence, but you are going about it in the wrong way. This woman at this point, does not owe you anything anymore and really hasn't since the day she left you. I and everyone else on this board understands you want her back, but your biggest mistake is, constantly letting her know that. She CANNOT know that's all you want, because then it becomes all about you and not about her. You are pushing your own needs on her and that is very anti-seductive and not a way to win her over and never even mind winning her over, you must first understand that in order to be able to have the right to have ANY contact with her, you must first LOWER her defenses and suspicions of your true intentions. You must act like friendship at this point is something you would love to have with her and from that point, your opportunities open up significantly, pending on the fact that she STILL HAS feelings for you, which after this length of time apart and all of your persistence, she may may not. It's hard to tell, but you can find out. Just not the way you've been atempting at so far.

 

Okay, touching her leg is a very wrong thing to do. It makes you out to seem like a creep. Don't F@CKING touch her man. Give her physical space. Understand this, is anything else: CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS. Once you can do this, you can do and pretty much get anything you want, using your head, instead of your heart. Let your heart be present, but don't let it be your visible guiding force.

 

Second point, don't think the fact that she hasn't had sex in 13 months as a good thing? Why is that a good thing? Who cares if she has? She is allowed too. She is allowed to date and allowed to experience other men's company and attention, as are you with other women if you so choose too. It sounds like in many ways she is scared of you and you have instilled a certain amount of fear into her. That is what you have to work on. If you just read my above post, you will see that my ex is back on the single chats, quite aggressively and is meeting many new guys on a daily basis. She has her reasons for that. Yesterday when I went to her work, I did NOT even bring it up at all. It hasn't stopped me in the past and nor will it stop me now, but what I have control over are my actions and my emotions.

 

I waited over a month to reach out and make contact and NOT to ask for a second chance. Buddy if I went there yesterday with that written all over my face and actually uttered those words, she wouldn't have given me an hour. She would have given me 60 seconds and then have told me to leave. No, she was friendly and somewhat receptive and because I refrained and really asked NOTHING of her, she was the one who was VERY emotional and yes, she ran home, and jumped right back on her single chat line, which doesn't make me happy, but what am I going to do? Yesterday I did all I can and I got VERY far. I went from if you ever contact me EVER again, I will get the cops involved, to okay Dan, you can call me, but I DON'T KNOW if I will ever be able to trust you again. Not a I WILL not be able to. There's a big difference. I lowered almost everyone one of her defenses yesterday and yes, the time apart did help, but it would have been for nothing if I stormed in there to get a second chance. I did ask for one though, but as a FRIEND, and nothing more.

 

That's where you have to start, but you have to be strong, swallow it when she is dating and when she is giving you a cold shoulder. Swallow the pain and use it to propell you to a higher level, by realizing that if she is allowing you back in her life in ANY capacity, that is her telling you that you are getting that chance, because part of me, beneath all of the hurt and pain, still cares, but BUDDY, you are going to have to prove yourself to me, to get YOUR chance.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey danimal,

 

I'm watching your posts now, as well as myJoy's to see how this all works. I made it clear with my ex at the breakup that I didn't think we could be friends, mainly because I didn't want to get trapped in the friend zone. I had an experience about 5 years ago with someone that I was extremely interested in, and she, well, wasn't. But I thought, 'If only I'm friends long enough, maybe..." That was an obsession that went on for a year and a half--a year and a half that I learned a lot about misguided energy and presumtuous intentions.

 

I'm realizing with my ex things are different. This previous woman & I never had a relationship together, it was only my wishing for a relationship. My ex & I, on the other hand, had eight wonderful months of a relationship. Including talk of moving in together. Including talk of long term types of plans. Including each of us taking special trips to meet the other's family.

 

But now that's all in the past, and I'm unsure how relevant it is in her view of the future.

 

I know right now I'm still not completely ready to talk with her. I'm not emotionally ready. And ideally I would like for her to contact me first. She's made contact one since the breakup, though it was for anything really significant. I still have some hope that she would call on her own, but with each day that passes I let go of that hope more and more. But all of this is my way of saying that I don't completely agree with your blanket statement that the ex will never call. What I think many of us who advocate no contact believe is that it's the best situation when the ex does call, because it means that she is really ready, that she's sorted through her emotions and can see that a second chance would be best.

 

What I recognize with yours and myJoy's approach is that the dumpee gets to take back some of the control. There's no guarantee that the ex is going to call back, and so this way we get to reclaim some control comes in a nonthreatening way. Good, but I'm still not clear on how you think you will avoid getting trapped in the friend zone.

 

I hope things work out for you--that's for sure. I'll be staying tuned.

[danimal77]

a_little_sparrow,

 

How can I put this? After having read my post and only assuming you've read my earlier posts from February and March, you wouldn't really be asking me that question of how can I be certain that I won't get caught in only being her friend trap?

 

Do you honestly think that a woman who was as visibly emotional as she was yesterday and is harboring A LOT of hurt, would, or more so could hold back her intense feelings, that lay just below the surface, for me forever and just be my friend?

 

My friend, at first that is what I will be, as will all of the other men she is meeting right now on her chat, but she is also aware that she is on there, to forget about me and run away from something she can't. As long as you an omnipresent reminder and give her the emotional fullfilment she desired from you all along, while giving her enough space to miss you, it is inevitable that she will eventually gravitate to the love in her heart and not to anyone new, because that is not deep and they don't know her like you do.

 

Finally, have some more confidence in yourself man, because after having read what you wrote, it sounds like you have very little and if that's the case, you will never get what you want from her.

 

IF you can do what I did yesterday, in the manner that I did, you will win her over again and nothing will deter you. No other man she will meet and not her, only you will, if you believe that you cannot succeed.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[fantasia2004]

My friends, they can run, but I make sure that they cannot hide and I saw what happens when our ex's true feelings are unmasked. What lies beneath? Hurt, hurt and more hurt and repressed feelings=love. You have to go find it and bring it out. Do not sit back and wait forever. Do not hope they will call you. They won't. I promise you, they won't.

 

How is this possible ? And how so and would the same technique happen if the individual had someone else that they are currently dating?

 

 

How do you know they are not going to call?

 

I am glad things are working for you in the long run . I am sorry for not being in asupportive way.

 

As crazy as my ex is I won't support everything he does but will help in certain things if he needs me and I refuse to be used while he is dating another .

[danimal77]

Fnatasia,

 

In your case and anyone else with you attitude, I suggest one thing, which is comprised of two words: move on.

 

If you are not 100% devoted to the love of your life and I do not care if they are dating someone else, or trying to find someone else to date, or various people for that matter. If you do not want to give 100% initially and realize that is what it's going to take to soften them up, then I advise you give up, because anything less is wishful thinking.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

 

BTW, I will no longer argue this point with individuals who are steadfast in their own convictions and are waiting for a call, or a miracle. IF you want to speed up the process, there are measures than can be taken, as long as you do not have the attitude that many of the people on here do and that being, that your ex still owes you this, or that. They are your ex. They left YOU. They owe you nothing. You want them back. Think about it. It's very logical. They may still love you and deep down miss you, but will not succumb to your demands and needs, unless you are smart about it and understand the rules of the game and in order to get what you want in life, you can't always expect to say what you feel and do as you want.

 

If you understand your ex, you will understand what it takes to get them back, whatever the obstacles may be.

 

Enough said. If someone doesn't agree, great. You don't have to, but please then just give up and move on, because with a negative or "realistic" attitude, you will not succeed in life. You make your own reality and everything you say and do, will pave that path for you, starting right now.

 

I will be back with my ex and I have NO doubts about it. None. I do not care about the other men anymore. I will not beg or compete, because if I do, I lose. You have to support your ex and they will be more drawn to you than ever before, like in the beginning, but only better.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Mun]

Dan,

how did it feel to see so much hurt in her eyes?

To know that you had broken her heart like that?

That you had hurt her so deeply and she had to fight hard to suppress her pain?

 

How did that make you feel?

[danimal77]

Muneca,

 

It made me see things for what they really are. It hurt me and made me love her even more and want to take away the pain, but in a much different way than before. It made me want to listen to her and be supportive and go slowly and it also made me know what I've known all along. True love never dies, it only goes in hiding, but it takes "the one" to take it away. She will not admit to me or to herself, that I am "the one", but deep down, we both knew it yesterday. We almost had to play a game with each other, because revealing too much would have been VERY dangerous. Guess what? I came home and hopped on Enotalone and she went home and hopped on her date line and I understand that she is no different than me and never was.

 

To answer your question fully Muneca, I would have to say, that I stepped into her shoes yesterday and maybe for the first time in 21 months and she knew it and that's why she is considering letting me back in, in whatever capacity. I am grateful and will continue along this path.

 

Don't stop believing and in the process, kick assssssssss.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Mun]

Good, because we have to remember it's not about winning or losing. Arrogance is never a good thing, it often comes back to bite us in the butt.

Show empathy and be genuine. Only this way will you achieve peace.

[danimal77]

To set the record straight, I am not arrogant. I am confident. There is a difference. I am now saying it as it is. This is my reality and it is what I am making of it. For some, it may not be the path to choose, but for me, it's I want and what I go after and what, more times than none, I get.

 

If I have more confidence now, great! I didn't get this confidence because I went to go see my ex yesterday and received a somewhat receptive and open door at future contact with her. I achieved that with her, because I went in their confident, believing in myself and in her.

 

Please don't mistake my attitude for arrogance. In any case, a certain amount of it is required to succeed and achieve your goals. It's not about talk, it's about action.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[fantasia2004]

Muneca your words are so inspirimg you should be a royal member

 

listening is so important and is part of learning to respect one another. I must learn to empathize and listen more I just wish that was the case to make him realize that I really was in his corner and cared about him and that I was sorry for making him angry.

[benevolent]

Fnatasia,

 

In your case and anyone else with you attitude, I suggest one thing, which is comprised of two words: move on.

 

If you are not 100% devoted to the love of your life and I do not care if they are dating someone else, or trying to find someone else to date, or various people for that matter. If you do not want to give 100% initially and realize that is what it's going to take to soften them up, then I advise you give up, because anything less is wishful thinking.

 

 

I would just like to know how a statement like that can be made? Aren't you forgetting that your ex or whomever is involved will have to have that same amount of devotion to you, if not more? How could you sit back and allow yourself to endure this and come to the conclusion that you are more in love with your ex? Where is your self-respect, dignity and manhood?

 

 

BTW, I will no longer argue this point with individuals who are steadfast in their own convictions and are waiting for a call, or a miracle. IF you want to speed up the process, there are measures than can be taken, as long as you do not have the attitude that many of the people on here do and that being, that your ex still owes you this, or that. They are your ex. They left YOU. They owe you nothing. You want them back. Think about it. It's very logical. They may still love you and deep down miss you, but will not succumb to your demands and needs, unless you are smart about it and understand the rules of the game and in order to get what you want in life, you can't always expect to say what you feel and do as you want.

 

How can you be so sure that it is not guilt that is making them feel the way that they do? Someone else posted a thread that basically said, this type of action is very egotistical and selfish, because this is all about what you are feeling or what you want, all you, you, you. How fair is that to you ex especially when "techniques" from books like the Art of Seduction you promote and other quick fix methods are applied? Have you considered and respected your ex's needs and wants? I don't think so and everytime you make contact I really believe you are just allowing yourself to get setup again. But like someone else mentioned, there is an arrogance and self-righteousness about you that basically determines your ill-fate.

 

If you understand your ex, you will understand what it takes to get them back, whatever the obstacles may be.

 

Enough said. If someone doesn't agree, great. You don't have to, but please then just give up and move on, because with a negative or "realistic" attitude, you will not succeed in life. You make your own reality and everything you say and do, will pave that path for you, starting right now.

 

I will be back with my ex and I have NO doubts about it. None. I do not care about the other men anymore. I will not beg or compete, because if I do, I lose. You have to support your ex and they will be more drawn to you than ever before, like in the beginning, but only better.

 

I think those that have a "realistic" view of what is going on have made the trek to healing themselves and escaping the grips of "what could've been" with their ex. I think regardless of what tactic you use, it's better to have cleansed yourself and offer more to yourself, someone else or even your ex. I also disagree with the use of "tactics" in trying to win an ex back. The whole "Art of Seduction" spiel and facade that is put on can only last a while. Besides, wouldn't you be upset knowing that someone "used tactics" to basically trick or manipulate into feeling a certain way. I'd rather have someone come to me because of their own volition, will and desire. And for the record, people do come back even when the NCR is employed. It may not be the type of reunion but you are looking for, but it does happen.

Danimal

 

I know I appear hyper-critical of you and your actions because I and others have been there. I think the sooner you let it go, the better of you can be. Again, this doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have to disregard your ex. It just means that you can move on normally, without her being a constant. What you claim as love, I and others see as an obsession and co-dependency (as someone else put it). I really hope you get your ex back, but for right reasons - on both your parts. I would love to have my ex back in my life as well, but not if she is not earning it or is going to work for it.

 

Good luck.

[rich_1517]

hi danimal

i havent had time to read all of your posts. i am away with my ex right now but i wanted to get back with you.

 

sounds great that you could make contact and not have it blow up. giving support and a comfort zone on their terms is essential. they want us to be around more. non theating, no emotions or presure for reassurance absolutely.

 

no contact doesnt really matter. its more about how YOU feel. they will not respond to us in grabby obsessive mode (anyone) and can sense when we are our true selves.

 

I believe its about restoring a natural balance that allows the friendship and respect to come back. as long as we pressure them we are asking for a "do over" on their decisions. never happens.

 

watch your own mental bargaining about this, dont excuse obsessive behavior becuase in an obsessive state it made sense. (talk to friends before action).

 

i know you have a hard road, if you know my story you know the road i have travelled to be where i am.

 

it is still time to ask yourself if it is worth it. then if it is build YOU into the guy you both want not just her, they dont respect that either. and its ok to mess up sometimes, if you become "perfect" you may seem ingenuine. hang tough and keep posting.

[Mun]

Ben I know your post is not directed to me, but I do want to say something.

I had the pleasure, and I do mean pleasure to speak to Dan by phone. He instructed me on things I should do to help my situation along.

 

He is a very mature, logical and goal-oriented guy. He comes accross on here rather driven and calculating, but I think this is because this place is where he rants and really let's out his frustrations.

 

I have come down hard on him a bit here because I think he can handle it, and I think he shouldn't lose sight of the fact he wants his relationship to work out. That's his goal--not winning per say.

 

He's a smart guy and really a very charming person.

 

His methods are just that his methods

[tere]

Danimal,

I'm really glad that you could make contact in a confident and cool way. In my opinion, we attract what we think of... that is if we think of failure we would attract it in someway. In your case, you are very confident.

I think that you set an environment for your ex for ceasing to pull away, because of the way that you manage the situation. Eventually she may know that you are non-threatening anymore.

Good luck

[benevolent]

Muneca,

 

I'm sure he is a mature, logical and goal-oriented person, like many of us on this thread are. However, I think the logical part of his decision making have been fully abandoned. From what I've read in other posts, it is just a back and forth routine of regurgitated advice many others have offered here.

 

I don't want to come off as bashing the guy, because that is not my intent. I feel for the guy and basically everyone here because we are in the same boat. I think I know exactly where he is coming from, because I was the same way in his thinking. In fact, he made a comment to me that we do think alike. But aside from that, I think he's putting himself in a situation where he is going to end up hurt again. Oh well live and learn I guess.

 

So are you in the same boat as us, muneca? Are you in NC? What's your situation

[benevolent]

Danimal,

 

You can be very confusing - now you say you don't even want your ex back but only to support her decisions, yet your earlier posts suggest otherwise. If that is the case, then you should have just moved on. Period. Instead, you say "well maybe that will make her see me in a different light, etc" My interpretation is that this is another "tactic" that you think will win her back. See this where you waiver constantly and are not steadfast in your convictions. That is why you could only pull off 25 days worth of NC.

 

After all, you treat this contact you made in the store with her as a major victory. Sure it's great made you made contact and were seemingly confident in your approach, but what have you really gained? From what I've read

 

Yesterday I did all I can and I got VERY far. I went from if you ever contact me EVER again, I will get the cops involved, to okay Dan, you can call me, but I DON'T KNOW if I will ever be able to trust you again. Not a I WILL not be able to. There's a big difference.

 

you are just clinging on to any and every possible nuance that you see as a possibility. It kind of reminds me of that scene in Dumb and Dumber, where where jim carrey asks Lauren Holly what are the odds of them getting together and she responds "one out of a million " and carrey responds "so you're saying there is a chance..." Uggghhhhh

 

I don't think the world owes me anything, let alone answers. However, I do question things a lot - for the sake of knowledge, to see other points of view, to see what others are passionate about, etc... I am open to many things and am a brutally honest person. Maybe that's the toughest thing that people want to deal with - the truth, even the bad truth about themselves. I'm also open to possibilities, alternatives and the fact that there are options out there - including the fact that there are things that are not going to happen. That is not negativity, it's reality, but you don't look at it that way. You see that as bad thinking, a sign of weakness. It's reality pal and once you accept that, I mean fully accept it, then maybe you'll get a grip.

 

You've yet to answer whether or not your ex has the same 100% devotion to the relationship as you do? You also don't acknowledge whether your actions are just selfish (as someone mentioned in another thread) and are you really taking your ex's needs and space into account. What you deem as critical in questions such as this, I see as ignorant when you can't even answer those questions.

 

Like I said earlier, I would love to get back with my ex, but in order to do that, I had to let her go. That's a very hard thing to do, yet in the 8 months of being apart, I reclaimed a freedom, a part of myself and rekindled things in me that were dormant for the longest time. Once you feel "yourself" again, it's quite a refreshing feeling and I think you owe yourself that (and your ex). Granted, I'm not a completely changed person, but I am a much, much better person. I feel better and want myself to be 1000% again.

 

Like so many others have said, this takes A LOT OF TIME. Sorry, but all the tricks, scheming, exploits, etc. will only give you a temporary band aid. I want a permanency and you can only get that if you start with you first. All this promotion of the "Art of Seduction", positive affirmations, Tony Robbins thinking, etc. is nothing more than magic pill, snake oil bits.

 

Just as an aside, my ex contacted me again, this time via e-mail. She forwarded me some interoffice memo and while this may seem insignificant, it's another attempt for "contact". Like I said earlier, 2+ months of strict no contact threw her off into a loop and she had no clue of my whereabouts, what I was doing, who I was with, etc. They do come back and while I'm not looking at this as a major victory. It's pretty significant in that suddenly I become a priroty in her life. Suddenly, the worry, caring and everything else that they said was not there, just shows up out of nowhere. I know my ex and she is as stubborn as they come and if this is a sign that things are going in the right direction with us, then I want to hear it straight from the horses mouth. If you can't do that and have to resort to games, then that's a sign that you haven't grown up and I want no part of that.

 

Anyway, enough ranting.

[Mun]

Hang in there Dan.

 

I'm going to be away for a few days, don't anybody get married while I'm gone... kidding..

 

LOVE

[danimal77]

Thanks Muneca,

 

BTW, about the marriage, I can't make any promises and no, I'm not kidding .

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[kate111]

Dear Dan,

 

Who the hell knows whether or not your method will work. Maybe it will, maybe not, but what the heck, you may as well try.

 

My only concern is that, should you be successful and manage to woo your ex back, you will neglect your own needs, and won't address the problems that you had in your relationship last time.

 

Do you remember what these were?

 

I seem to remember the following problem:

 

You found it hard to trust your ex and were scared to reveal your vulnerable side to her for fear of rejection.

 

How are you going to address these things?

 

I think you should start to think about this.

 

All the best, soldier.

[danimal77]

Hey Kate,

 

I'm glad you came out to play. I appreciate your new found confidence in me. Can't beat'em then you mine as well join'em, right?

 

Yes, I am a stubborn S.O.A.B., aren't I? Well, they don't come any more determined than me. Yeah, soldier, I like that one. I'm disciplined like one Kate, without the rank of course.

 

Anywhow, to get to your question. Well, when I went to see her on Friday Kate, I was surprisingly real with her and there wasn't too many bells and whistles. There was Dan and there was her and there were some feelings and some confidence on my part and some hurt and tears on her. There was a cup of coffee and there was confusion and fear on her part and there was also love, which was in the air, suppressed, yes, but there nonetheless.

 

There is a difference with my approach on July 2nd, versus my approach on February 17th. I was acting back then. Today I was being real with her and I was being respectful and considerate of her feelings and you know what? She wasn't slam dunking me and being attitude in my face, to make me feel insecure and little. She was kind and as real as I was. We were two battered and bruised former lovers/friends, who have been through a lot and both want the same thing and maybe she wants it even more than I do. Who know? But she is not ready to open her arms just yet and you know what? I understand this now and I am thinking about her a lot more than before and as a result, if the outcome is positive, I will be taken care of and I will be grateful and appreciative this time around and open to it.

 

Let's just hope she doesn't fall in love with one of the guys on her single chat line in the interim, or get the job in Washington, because I am not calling her right away like she is expecting me to. I am changing.

 

Thank you friends,

 

Danimal

[Mix Maxster]

Hey all, I've been following Danimals post for quite some time and I feel the need to express myself a little. Ok first things first I see quite a lot of conflict from people with Danimal because of his apparent "motives" or "tactics" to get his ex back. That easily can be seen as being ignorant, arrogant or in denial because that's when you refuse to accept your situation. But I'd like to clear that up with, so why is it then that one MUST "move on" and forget about the ex, they're the ones that dumped you so fuk them and ANYTHING ELSE but doing that is "holding on" or living in denial or being arrogant or ignorant.

 

You all may be true with that and trust me I SEE how focusing on you and making sure you're taking care of yourself is a great idea as I think most of us are doing that, but for me I find it odd that most of you out there will move on trying to save your own butts from hurting when you fail to see that it's a self-induced pain. You really do choose to put yourself through pain and torment, hell most of our exes aren't INTENTIONALLY doing this crap as most of us just over-analyze our situations to death and bring it upon ourselves so when you say that we've done enough that really means we've made ourselves suffer enough for our ex and they don't deserve to do that to us when we're doing it to ourselves. Now that isn't COMPLETELY true, but think about it.. if you're checking up on your ex or pretending to not caring when you really do then you're just making it hard on yourself. And fine I agree that they dumped us and found someone else right away and you feel you can't trust them, but they're trying to figure out life too and it would be easy to be labelled a hypocrite because honestly WOULDN'T YOU all do the same thing in the same situation? Or would YOU like to sit back and get depressed and sad and hate your life, realize they're trying to NOT get in that situation.

 

I'm not saying that this is EXACTLy what my ex is doing, but I know if I was in the same boat I would. But another thing I must add is that I am impressed with Dan's past and I have confidence on my situation as well as what me and him have talked about makes a lot of sense. I do agree that Dan is more "in your face" than say I would be, but I don't feel it should be taken so far as to say he's really stubborn or just arrogant as he has a strong passion for what he believes in. To take that farther I agree with what he is saying because I believe I could eventually get back with my ex, but I don't think of her as some prize or that this is some game. And me personally it IS NOT to gain control over my situation or to manipulate it, but that I see that EVEN IF THEY CAME back on their own they could just as likely leave again. Now think EVEN THOUGH I AGREE with what most of you are saying in that really if you disappear and take care of yourself that with time they could come back on their own and you'll know it's sincere because ya if they're calling you to get back together that is probably exactly what they're hoping for. Great stuff, it really is and I could totally see how great that would be to happen, but that's SOOOOOO hard to say. That's SUCH a big risk I couldn't even imagine the odds and I don't see how one can just rely on some "devine" power bringing you two back or that with time they'll remember how great you are when WHY WEREN'T THEY FOCUSING ON THAT to begin with. Because chances are they felt something different, whether it be more relationships, or just partying it up or whatever chances are they're going to do whatever they need to do to NOT focus on what great they're giving up on, but rather what bad they're getting rid of.

 

Now it's not a game plan or strategies or plots or tactics as a sure win to get them back, but a way of reclaiming yourself. IS that wrong? or bad? I don't see it as being that way if you're not manipulating them or guilting them or forcing them to act or making them react a certain way as it is them doing it on their own. It is all real and that is it's point; that it isn't about anything other than looking out for number one, you, while going for what you believe. It's entirely possible that this can be wishful thinking, but in my situation I am NOT trying to "win her back" I'm trying to get her back. Not by trying to convince her of anything or flaunt anything or go "hey you know that thing you REALLY hated about me? well I changed that... I'm no longer like that." because really that's just immature and it isn't going to get you anywhere. However I know that you think you're setting yourself up for being walked on, but I tell you I AM not going to let that happen. I can go both ways, either with her or with someone else and that's exactly where I can THINK with my brain instead of REACTING with my heart. It won't hurt me because that's only if you're hoping for a certain outcome instead of being ok with either one. Now I WOULD be very happy if I got back with my ex, but I personally see that as being VERY hard given the fact she is dating someone right now, so she's not going to be changing her mind anytime soon or at all for that matter because she left me and found someone new. I, like Dan, just want a foot in the door so my ex will be intrigued by what is going on in my life. I lost her respect and her trust and I'm trying to get that back by being supportive and being a friend. I could be setting myself up, but trust me on this I have thought it out and I know when to pull away and be ok with that. I find that most people choose to move on because they're bitter or resentful towards their ex and so it makes it easier for them to move on and then when the ex comes back they have a hard time trusting them or giving their heart to them because they're afraid of getting hurt again. And all this is about is not playing a game to get them back, it isn't about a prize to be won or tactics or sure win situations or whatever, forget that this is not what this is about. It's about figuring out who you were and changing that for the better for YOURSELF and becuase you realize any one else probably would have had similar problems with you for it and then making your way back in their life NON-threatening and NON-forcibly, but by showing strength and confidence so they know you're being sincere.

 

I believe that is the main idea behind it by NOT GAINING control over your situation, but by realizing something has to be done in your situation or there's a very slim chance it'll happen any other way. However sincere your ex will be in wanting to give it another go one day if it comes, they're just as likely to come back if you are a GREAT new you if you are non-manipulative and what not and try to remain in their life. That ISN'T a problem if you can live and deal with it and know when to draw the line for yourself and not get hurt in the process. If you can't be fine with being friends with them then that just proves that you haven't moved on. And the way I see it is that I'm going to do what I feel I can to redeem myself and I know that I end up with someone either way, but honestly I would rather have my ex. And I bet most of you think "man you don't owe her all of this, why do this to yourself?" when really you're all right, I DON'T owe her anything and neither does she, but I do this because I can and want to and I'm truly happy with or without her. To finish it off here's a nice quote from Matrix Revolutions, it's Neo's response which I stress:

 

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?

Neo: Because I choose to.