When Can We Be Friends?

[Opportunity]

I'm initiating NC again after having maintained it for about 5 months. It began when I discovered she found a new boyfriend. The NC was broken when she began contacting me for small conversation and catch-up on FB. When our FB conversations proved to be too infrequent for us, we began to text all day for a period of almost a week.

 

It was great having my best friend of 4 years back, and we even came face-to-face again outside her doorstep when I dropped off some things for her. While we were talking through text message I made attempts to be flirtatious with her which she responded to. I wanted to know if we had a chance together again, perhaps not now, but in the future. She never denied the possibility, but I could tell she was attached to her current boyfriend.

 

At some point she mentioned that she didn't trust if her boyfriend would eventually cheat on her at some point, given his flirtatious personality. It bothered me that she would be with a guy like that, let alone want him more than I. By talking to me, she came to realize that she should just confront him with her feelings and establish some trust between them.

 

I was appalled. So many of the problems in our relationship were caused because she never came out with her feelings. Even if I sat her down and asked her to tell me what was wrong with her, she'd refuse to communicate with me. Next she confronted me.

 

She said she felt guilty for flirting with me so she told her boyfriend, but she also told him that she'd really like to try being friends with me. He said he'd only be comfortable with that if I only wanted friendship with her. So next she confronted me, and asked that for her, mine, and HIS sake if we could be friends.

 

That threw me off the edge. She used to let guys all over her when we were dating and now she's such a different girlfriend that she's denied ME for HIM. So it came out. We argued, ended up both expressing that we were hurt and that clearly I still needed time to get over her while she made no mention that she had or was still in any kind of healing process with me. She said it was sad because we keep breaking our hearts over each other. I still can't figure out if that means she still has feelings for me. I told her to talk to me again someday when she realizes she hasn't thought of me for a long time, and if I don't respond, to please respect that. Her last words were, "Sometimes if you're lucky, you can fix a broken heart. But that doesn't mean it didn't break. Some cracks can't be healed. Remember that when you think I'm better off than you are."

 

 

It's been only a few days of NC. They say the third stage of the healing process is easiest, with setbacks harming you less and less until you finally just don't care anymore. I can feel it inside myself to forget about her for months again through NC. I feel more capable of it this time than when I started it months ago. I know I can do it.

 

But I miss my friend. I miss my best friend. She's everything I used to love about her and she's even matured out of some of her personality flaws. Honestly, I'm outright impressed by who she's become since we last spoke months ago.

 

But I think it would be foolish to try friendship if it means I'm the only one risking being hurt. She may have said she was hurt, but in reality she can cry in her boyfriend's arms while I can cry myself to sleep. It's not fair to me. I'm starting to think my whole rejection of her happened because I was totally not expecting what happened. I had no idea how they were. How she was. How I would react to it.

 

I honestly came into talking to her again with the mentality I previously had of her--romantically. She also admitted that she flirted back with me because it was me. I have it in my head that if we become friends we won't ever be able to go back to a romantic relationship. But if we retreat into NC again and she becomes serious with this guy for the long-term or breaks up with him and finds another, I may never have another chance either. And maybe being friends with her will keep me from looking to OTHER girls romantically. Maybe only through NC will I be able to find a significant other.

 

 

I'd appreciate some insight on how I can go about the relationship I have with my ex, whether I try to make something of it or try to forget about it completely, or if we simply need time in NC to salvage anything from it.

[abitbroken]

It's been only a few days of NC. They say the third stage of the healing process is easiest, with setbacks harming you less and less until you finally just don't care anymore. I can feel it inside myself to forget about her for months again through NC. I feel more capable of it this time than when I started it months ago. I know I can do it.

 

People don't always follow set stages of healing when it comes to breakups. She can't tell you what you are going through and what she says to you seems to be awfully idealistic and poetic. Like its supposed to make you feel better or make her feel better

 

Also, you can't really heal or NC is not really successful if you are doing it with an 'outcome" in mind. It seems you are doing it in order to set yourself up to be friends. I would not respond to unmeaningful conversation such as idle facebook chit chat. if you want to heal, go cold turkey. Even block her on FB. NO CONTACT. And don't plan to contact her again. Move forward to the point where you are ready to meet someone new and be open to a new best friend and to the point that you don't care about what her boyfriend does

[Triplell]

I know how you feel. I miss my best friend too. I miss that I have a ton of things to do, but I want to blow off some steam and talk to her and then get back to what needs to be done.

 

Maybe I am just too forgiving of a person, however, because I miss all these things, yet my ex has made my life hell. She has scared the crap out of me, and she obviously no longer cares about me.

 

Even if she called tomorrow apologizing for everything, wanting to come down here and just be with me and make it all better, I couldn't. I couldn't forget everything that I've been through both because of her, and just because of us. She has caused me a great deal of pain and fear, and no amount of love she shows me will ever make up for that.

 

Sorry, went off on my own tangent there. As for you, I would say it would be very unhealthy for you to try and be friends while she is with another guy. You obviously still want to be with her. You need to let her see it. Until then, quit dwelling on her. Have your own fun, meet your own girls.

 

A lot of us get stuck on "the one that got away" syndrome. I know I feel that way. My ex and I had some really great times. We made eachother happy, but not nearly as much as we made eachother angry or sad. There is no reason there is not some other person out there who is going to make you happy. Give it time and give it a chance.

 

Hang in there buddy.

[WomanWriter]

I can't really advise, but I feel for you. Seems like a lot of people want their cake and to eat it too. I mean really? She's upset and heartbroken that you don't want to be friends? Well she clearly made her choice when she got with another guy. My ex is the same. He said he was mad at me because I didn't want to be friends, yet he's with someone else. And trying to say it's no big deal or whatever, but he's obviously into her or he wouldn't be dating her.

 

I think your ex is just jerking you around. She wants you both but knows she can't have it both ways so she is choosing him but keeping you on the side as "friends" so it doesn't look bad. This way she can still get the romantic high from you from afar but the physical stuff and companionship with him. I know how that is. You be friends with someone you kinda have feelings for and you get to experience a "relationship lite". I have been there and done that. She gets to basically have 2 relationships but she feels guilty so she calls you "friend." It's more common that you think and I have to admit I've been guilty of it before.

 

I think she does have feelings for you but not enough to commit. Someone told me this once: "I like you more than a friend but less than a girlfriend." I think your girlfriend is in the equivalent state. She does care for you more than a friend, but she has this new exciting guy who you can't compete with because you're old and familiar and comfortable. She likes that about you. But she wants the newness and mystery too. So she wants to have it both ways and she's mad that you won't let her.