Opportunity

It's been 3 days since we picked up NC again. It hurts to think we intend to keep this up for months, or perhaps years. I'll survive. I need to stop living for you and start living for myself. I hate that I think about you all the time. I hate that you keep me from being happy. I hate that the thought of you catches hold of me at my weakest moments to bring me down. Worst of all, I hate that you're okay. Is that selfish? I don't care. You're fine. I'm not. I have to get rid of every part of me that still lives in you. This morning I woke up thinking about you again, and I thought My God, I need to forget about you entirely. I need to forget we ever happened. I need to realize that you're not the girl I loved and loved me for 4 years, even if you're a better person now. A better girlfriend. A more desirable you. My girl, my love, died a long long time ago. And holding onto you keeps me from living. I have a lot of studying to do today. I haven't done my homework because I think of you when I stay at home. If there's one thing I can't allow you to harm it's my future. You are my past, I'm letting you harm my present, but leave my future for me. I need to do well on this test, and I can't focus when you dwell on my mind. So while you're enjoying life with your new boyfriend, disregarding that I ever existed, or that I was ever your everything, or that you told me you wanted to spend forever with me, give me that. Just let me study for my test today. Goodbye for now. We'll talk again when months go bye without the thought of each other.

I fell asleep crying about you last night. I dreamt about you while I slept. And this morning you were once again the haunting thought of my mind. I don't know why I became so comfortable talking to you again. Same reason you did, I suppose. 'Cause even after -months- of NC we still connect with each other. It was a risk I took. Maybe when we realized friendship wouldn't work it hurt you, but ultimately time and time again I receive the most hurt. Because you have him now to help you through it. And I am alone. It will be hard this next week not texting you anymore. I really hope as you sit at home you miss our conversations, too. You probably will, but you probably won't do anything about it. So too must I do nothing about it. I don't want you to win again. Even though we're better people now it wouldn't work. I thought he was temporary. Maybe he kind of is. It's insulting that you value him more than I. But really I wouldn't allow myself to commit to you. Not after what you'e done. You ruined everything. And what's worse is that I'm the only one who seems to care. Goodbye for now. We'll talk again someday when we realize months have gone by without the thought of each other.