Ex has been acting strange... Meeting tomorrow.

[SA2000]

Long story short my ex of 5.5 years and I broke up about a month ago. I went NIC. She called a few times within the first two weeks. I told her I was giving her space so she could think but that I would like to work through things. I told her to think about it and get back to me but if she did not want to work things out that we should not attempt to contact each other again.

She texted me to see how I was (Mom had surgery). I texted back reiterating that I am OK but that she should not contact me unless it is to work things out.

 

Two days later she texts me asking if I want to go see a movie with her. I texted her back and said I was sorry but I'm at the hospital visiting my Mom.

We spoke over the weekend. She said she wanted to talk about us. I asked her what we needed to talk about and that she has made everything clear. She said she would call Monday.

 

I spoke with her Monday. Basically she said she missed me and that no one gets her like I do but could not let go of things that angered her in the past. She said she didn't want to start over with anyone else but was still unsure about how she felt about me. I told her that if she still does not know that it's best we go our separate ways. She said OK and that she guesses she will talk to me in another month or so.

 

So now we come to the current. I texted her and told her I would like to meet with her this week (tomorrow) to exchange the things she has of mine and a CD I have of hers. I asked numerous times that she just donate my things but she said that I was being silly so I figured this would be easiest. She texted me back saying that she agreed to meet but she was scared I would say mean things to her and that she would like to see me. I laughed it off and said I had nothing mean to say to her. I told her I thought it was cute that she was getting nervous about meeting me to calm her.

 

SO... I would clearly like to work things out with her. The plan was to keep this meeting short. Come off cool, confident, and to allow her to continue to miss me until she reaches out in a more serious manor. We are meeting at a restaurant that we used to frequent. Should I sit and chat with her or just do a simple swap in the parking lot and go back to NIC, responding here and there? It seems like she has been trying to reach out but I have not been extremely receptive. I could be reading the signs wrong though because that is what I am looking for.

 

I don't want to rush things and end up disappointed but at the same time think that she may start to feel rejected and stop trying. She is the one who broke up with me though.

[Sagreras]

The foundation of all human relationships: affection, identity, and trust. Depending upon the degree to which one or more of these elements has been compromised, you will soon face two potential outcomes:

 

1. An egregious breech of one, or more, of the elements will equate to a sudden death break-up with no possibility of reconciliation.

 

2. A significant failure, over time, to observe one or more of the elements will equate to a partner doing a relationship test by a initiating a provisional break-up.

 

From my scan of your situation, you’ve severely compromised the trust element. Your behaviour after the fact only serves to confirm to her that you are unyielding and potentially beyond redemption.

 

Your one major mistake was in trying to dictate the terms.

 

“I texted back reiterating that I am OK but that she should not contact me unless it is to work things out.”

 

One nail in your coffin lid…

 

“I texted her and told her I would like to meet with her this week (tomorrow) to exchange the things she has of mine and a CD I have of hers. I asked numerous times that she just donate my things but she said that I was being silly so I figured this would be easiest. She texted me back saying that she agreed to meet but she was scared I would say mean things to her and that she would like to see me. I laughed it off and said I had nothing mean to say to her. I told her I thought it was cute that she was getting nervous about meeting me to calm her.”

 

Coffin lid almost completely nailed shut…

 

I can assure you that she is now thinking very long and very hard about your long-term suitability as a partner.

 

She wants to see you for a reason, to see that spark in your eyes whenever you make eye contact.

She desperately wants to trust you again, and will probably cling to any measly straw you throw her way.

She will test your resolve with seemingly innocent questions.

 

 

Rest assured that her entire social network is being kept up to date with dispatches of your relationship. Her friends are advising her to consider you a lost cause. She’ll vocalize agreement in front of her friends, but there is a problem: She’s still in love with you.

 

This is a last-gasp effort on her part to attempt a repair. If you screw it up, you’ll never see or hear from her again.

 

This is my suggestion:

 

-Consider the meeting kind like a first date; you have to beguile her again.

 

-Play it cool. So cool, in fact, that frozen foods could safely be stored near you. Don’t confuse coolness with aloofness. She wants to feel safe with you again, so don’t come accross like a petulant child that has lost his favourite toy.

 

-Do not bring up past indiscretions, or other potentially inflammatory subjects relating to the relationship.

 

-Let her do most of the talking. Be supportive. Lightly season the conversation, peppering her comments with your point of view, but do so VERY gingerly.

 

-Ultimately, she wants to see the man who originally won her heart.

 

If she doesn’t meet that man when you reconnect, it will be over permanently.

 

Stow away all the petulance, anger, confusion, etc., be a confident man filled with honour and integrity, and you’ll win the day.

 

If things work in your favour, and she returns, don’t forget that your continued association is entirely dependent on you maintaining this resolve. One more slip-up, and she’ll be gone forever.

[Sagreras]

One more thing...

 

She's leaving herself completely open and vulnerable to you. Recognize that her doing so is the ultimate act of love and trust.

 

Respect this fact.

[SA2000]

Thanks Sagreras. That was pretty much the plan. Play it cool and be the person she fell in love with.

[SA2000]

The ex called last night. We talked for about 25 minutes. She basically told me that she misses everything about me but that she is trying to get over me. I told her that I would be willing to work things out but that we would have to start from scratch and told her exactly how to do so. She doesn't seem quite ready yet. We will see how it goes. I am guessing she will say she doesnt know how she feels. I will tell her that it's all or nothing and then she will say she needs time to think.

[Sagreras]

She basically told me that she misses everything about me but that she is trying to get over me.

 

Mate, you are no longer in the driver's seat on this one. The reconciliation instructions were counter-productive; she doesn't want to hear them. It's probably too late to turn this ship around now.

 

I will tell her that it's all or nothing and then she will say she needs time to think.

 

Again, I can't overemphasis the fact that you need to learn to shut-up. You have very little say in these matters at this point, and what you have managed to blurt-out so far is only making things worse. When/if she returns, and she has been in your life again for a month or more, then, and only then, bring up the topic of your relationship. Proceed slowly and casually, or you will bugger this one up.

 

Let's break this down a bit:

 

-You lost her trust, and she doesn't feel safe with you.

-You put her in a vice-like grip with your demands, squeezing the life out of her!

-She steps back.

-You thump you chest, issuing ultimatums!

-She's starting to walk away.

 

...

 

See the pattern? Your behavior is counter productive. I'm not saying that you should be cringing in her presence, but displaying some humility is the order of the day.

 

Regarding the heart, women usually mean what they say, and she's told you that she is trying to get over you now.

 

I wouldn't be holding my breath.

[SA2000]

There is a lot more to the story then the details listed here but I get what you are saying. I know she is scared right now. If she brings up the relationship I'll follow your advice and play it cool. No stress. She knows where I stand. She said she is nervous to see me and that it feels like a first date. Funny how I still have that ability after knowing her for 6 years. The problem is that every time she gets upset with me she wants to break up. That is the only thing she has been able to do to get a response out of me. I want to let her know that she can't just walk in and out of my life. But I guess now is not the time for that discussion.

[SA2000]

She cancelled last minute and asked to reschedule tomorrow because she has some event she forgot about that she has to attend for one of her girlfriends. I told her tomorrow won't work. Eff that. I'm not making you a priority when you are making me an option. I told her maybe Sunday. She said that should work. I wanted to say just deposit the check in my account and forget it. Her flakeyness (I am aware that that isn't a word) is a huge turnoff.

[hellohello1]

good for you for not doing it tomorrow..i agree with the whole priority/option statement..good for you

[Sagreras]

good for you for not doing it tomorrow..i agree with the whole priority/option statement..good for you

 

They no longer have a relationship, so the trite and thoroughly misplaced priority/option statement no longer applies.

 

Emotional knee-jerk responses, ladled heavily with fear and petulance, mean that the outcome of this one is already assured.

[hellohello1]

while theyre no longer in a romantic relationship they do have some sort of connection, just as you do with anyone you have contact with. do not put in anymore than what she is willing to put into this.

[SA2000]

Although she is making more of an effort than I am, I need to see more from her. We need more time and space if this is to be repaired. My mistake was letting her know that I want to repair it without feeling it out first. But I'll just shrug it off and go along with my weekend. I can't continue to let this bother me or it'll be a long bumpy road.

[SA2000]

Maybe it's best to just remove myself. I still care too much. If anyone else would have cancelled I wouldn't have cared. I need to llet go.