She'll be in the house in a couple weeks...help!

[LarsWB]

Those of you that haven't read my story, it's a bit long but basically my wife hit a midlife crisis and abandoned the family...myself and two kids. I'm still in the house, raising them alone. All our stuff is with me too...and it's unbearably painful because I loved her so much and was blind-sided.

 

Anyway, daughter (17) is leaving for college in a couple of weeks. Wife emailed me about 2 weeks ago and said she'd be in town, staying with her mother...and was going to come over an help our daughter pack up and get ready to leave...and she also wanted to see our son too while she's here....that she needed to get some more of her things, etc.

 

I work 9-5 and our son will be in school that week, so I'm assuming the wife is going to just come over during the day and help our daughter get organized, packed, or whatever...if she stays to see our son when he gets home from school, that would mean she'll be there when I get off work.

This is the FIRST TIME she's come back to house since she left at the beginning of June. Where she's at now, she has no reminders of our home, our life, or me. Nothing. I wonder if it'll even bother her to come back to this home and face everything she just dumped? I know at some point during the week, we're bound to see each other....and I'm trying my hardest to shore myself up against it because I know it's going to hurt like hell.

 

I'd much rather avoid her - but part of me WANTS her to see everything, even me, and see what she's given up...she's avoided it all this time. I don't know if that'll shake her or not but I assuming it's going to hurt me more than it will her....and I don't want that. I don't want to break down in front of her. I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to see her or talk to her face-to-face.

Any suggestions?

[Carus]

Hello Lars My Brother*

 

Well at least you are aware that it's gonna sting like a mutha for you to spend any time around her, so yes you can probably prepare for it...

 

Although, dont spend to much time thinking about what you'll say or do...If it's gonna happen, its gonna happen....But just know that it'll pass....

 

I would have to assume she is an emotionless robot if none of this affects her at all, and yes sometimes ex's do seem a bit like that.....But no, I'm sure it will be a bit hard for her although not as hard as it is for You*

 

So if it's unavoidable for you, then just get in there and get it done as quickly as possible...

 

Please dont start trying to beg her back or telling her that your in deep pain etc....I think you already know where that will lead.....Plus she really doesn't deserve that from You mate*

 

Just try to remain cool, calm and unaffected.....Once she's gone again she will probably wonder why you seem so OK about all this....and that will eat at her more than anything else....

 

I dont have kids with my ex, and she is still with the guy she left me for, so I am able to remain in Defcon NC.....I really feel for you Bro and send you strength to weather this storm....

 

Just know that it will pass soon too*

 

Regards

K2*

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to the Walk Away Wife club!

Or more acurately Walk Away Spouse club. Google it and read up a little.

 

Do what is best for you. If it is staying away until she is gone then do it. If you want to be there to see her struggle with what she has done I can tell you that you will be disapointed and shocked at how cold she will be. The WAS has the ability to re-write history in their minds so what they have done is okay and even the right thing to do. Even leaving her kids and not seeing them for a couple of months is okay in her mind.

Looking to her for anything is a huge mistake. I can tell you she will not act, say or behave in a way you will want to see or expect so why put yourself through it?

Do this one thing though. Talk to your neighbors and have them call you when she is gone and have them call you if they see a truck loading up all your stuff sitting in the driveway! You don't want to come home to a cleaned out house.

 

Go to this thread:

There are a lot of us there that have been through what you are going through and can help a lot. I will ask the members of the club no wanted to be in to read your thread as well.

 

Once again do what is best for you and your children. You need way better legs under you before you face her. It is very hard to be prepared for the WAS and their dysfunctional thinking. There is no fix, no magic pill and no amount of counseling that will help the WAS until they can be truthful with themsleves. The selfishness feeds itself like you cannot believe and she will continue like this for some time I am afraid.

 

PM me anytime, I will be around to help

 

Lost

[Carus]

Welcome to the Walk Away Spouse club.

Yeh...Sheesh! .....little darlin's......

 

Why oh why didnt I find you guys 12 months ago! *sigh*

 

 

[LarsWB]

"Just try to remain cool, calm and unaffected.....Once she's gone again she will probably wonder why you seem so OK about all this....and that will eat at her more than anything else...."

 

Kalgan those are wise words my friend...and that's what I've thought too. I've spruced up the house a bit here and there and will probably change a few things this weekend. Since she left, I've gained a little more muscle, a couple of lbs in the right places, grew my hair out (it was shaved) and got a tan. I don't plan on any of it affecting her, at all, and quite honestly I haven't done any of it FOR HER. It's all been for me and the kids.

 

I'm trying to HEAL and NOT HURT over her...but in my heart I want her to see what she's left behind, even though I know how callus she is now.

I'll control what I can control....me.

She'll see me, the house, the kids, and just how awesome all of it is. She's going to see her mom, who she loves and misses, for the first time sonce leaving.

She'll have to leave her kids and home a second time, and this time she'll have to say goodbye to the kids to their face. Last time, she sent them to her sister's for a 'summer break' and that's when she split.

Time for her to face some of her consequences. I love her, but honestly I hope it stings....no I don't...yes I do....no, I wish her the best.

 

I'll keep posting here for support, and keep taking my herbs! I just found something new called Deprex and I've started taking it. Before that it was just SamE and St. John's...which helps 'a little', I mean I haven't killed myself yet, but I'm going through waves of depression and I don't like it. Deprex is much stronger and has more ingredients so we'll see how it works.

 

It'll be a strange week....and I know the LAST thing I want to do is cry, beg, plead, or otherwise to her. NO WAY is she going to rob me of my dignity and self-respect again. No way am I going to show weakness in front of her, EVER again.

What's odd is there's a possibility of a female friend of mine staying at the house while she is job hunting....if that ends up happening, hoo-boy I don't know * * * is going to take place. Maybe nothing.

Thanks for replying - both of you. I need the help and support right now, and someday someone will need mine and I intend on giving it.

G'day

[John Bendix]

Lars,

 

Sorry but welcome to the club.

 

The only facet under your control is your reactions which in turn affect your line of thinking, which then you react to again and again.

 

You do not want to feel this way, that is understood. But once you have a feeling (emotional reaction), it is real so accept that feeling no matter how unpleasant. By non-acceptance, you perpetuate it. You can get caught, as we all have, in a loop. Thought-to-emotion-to-thought-to-emotion and so on.

It is a feedback cycle.

 

To end this cycle, acceptance that you have (had) this feeling, without judging it or yourself for experiencing this reaction, know that emotions, as well as thoughts, are fleeting (for they dissipate almost as soon as we feel them) and not who we are. They are emotional reactions and not a part of who we are.

 

People claim that they cannot control their emotions, but who causes them? It is not what someone says to us, thinls about us, or feels about us that causes us any harm. It is our reaction to these that brings on suffering. By seeing our reactions for what they really are (acceptance) we can begin to end this unpleasant cycle.

 

Your expectations of what she will experience when she comes over seems logical and rational enough but, by experience, her emotional state may not allow her to process this situation in that manner. Expectation of what may happen usually leads to disappointment.

 

Going into the situation, and being prepared to act and react to what is happening to you at the given moment when it becomes the present (which is the only control point available to us), seems to be the way to proceed. We can all handle whatever comes our way in any present moment. What we are powerless to effectively deal with is an unsknown future event. It is not happeing yet. Concentrating your attention there will only bring on more unpleasant emotional reactions.

 

Do what makes sense to you at the time and let (accept) things happen as they do.

[LarsWB]

John, thank you so much for the post. It's fantastic. I'm sure I'll be reading it again, probably more than once, in the next couple of weeks.

 

I do appreciate it!

[John Bendix]

No problem.

 

that is why most of us are here. To pass on what we have learned under bizarre conditions and to re-learn what we have forgotten to see.

[LarsWB]

Update:

Well, I didn't see her the entire week...which was probably a good thing for me, I don't know. She stayed at her mother's and they came to the house only 1 day and that was to pack up our daughter and drive her to college. I was at work that day.

My wife emailed me twice; once to tell me her flight arrival time, asked if our son could come over to her mother's and spend the weekend with them, and that she missed him terribly. Second email was to tell me she bought him some clothes, and that she wanted to come over one day and get some more of her things while she was in town. Her list was 'odd' considering it was her first chance in 3 months. I replied only about our son and how he's doing in school, and said have a great Labor Day. I didn't even acknowledge her list or that she was taking items from the house.

 

FFWD to the moving day, I came home from work after they were finished packing and had left...and nothing was taken. My wife only took a box of things that she was handed down from her grandmother, a few of her computer books, and a couple of cookbooks. Who knows why..I sure don't because I kept NC as much as possible that entire week. It was weird, knowing she had been back there after leaving three months ago...knowing she had gone into the bedroom, been in the house she once loved. I felt very strange. I know one thing; I'm 100% sure she wasn't expecting me to act like I did...no calls to her, no txts, no asking her to meet, nothing. Nonchalant. Definitely different behavior than in the past.

So anyway, nothing happened or turned out like my mind had imagined....and feared. Daughter is off to college, wife is back in her dad's house 10 hrs away, my son and I back to our lives this morning. Who knows what happens next.

Part of the pain - for me anyways - is the limbo.

Thanks again everyone.