Forcing myself to leave her behind

[sonicfan287]

Hey all,

 

I've rambled on endlessly about my breakup situation, the aftermath and what I'm "thinking" of doing for a long time, so it seems I'm going to do it again.

 

Basically, we dated for 6 months, things were going great, so I thought and then she told me that she doesn't have feelings anymore, but she still wants to be friends. Because we already saw each other all the time and knew so much about each other, it seems being friends would be an okay thing, and something that I could do, but I just can't do it, at least not so far. It makes me feel so petty and bitter and whatever but I just get angry when she's trying to talk to me as "just a friend". At first it was actually less awkrard because I think she still had some feelings for me and was "confused" but now I think she's made up her mind that she has no feelings for me and she's moving away from me. I want to chase her but there's really no point.

 

I've also been in this situation before and I end up being "just friends" with the girl for months even though EVERYONE knows I want more than that and it becomes really pathetic and annoying for me, although usually I stay friends with the girl (I'm friends with 3 girls that I used to have feelings for or dated) but that's after my feelings have gone and Im honestly okay with it but I still don't forget all that time that went by when I felt pathetic and I really dont feel like doing it this time, so Im thinking of just cutting her out completely.

 

It feels cold, when shes stayed in touch since the breakup, but I can't help myself. At first, the idea of doing this seemed horrible and out of the question but now it's making more and more sense. I feel so angry, because she never wants to talk about the breakup anymore, she essentially wants to pretend our relationship never happened, which makes me think that she thinks she made a mistake in dating me, which I don't like thinking, so I essentially have to make up conversation topics because I really just want to talk about the relationship but she could care less. I don't know how she's been or what shes doing and in time I probably wont know much about her at all. This depresses me but she doesnt seem to mind not knowing about me. She texts now and then asks "whatcha up to?" and stuff like that and I tell her and thats usually it.

 

During our last phone call (a few weeks ago) things were okay but even then I was holding stuff in and when she asked what was wrong and I started to tell her, she promptly cut me off and asked "is this conversation going to go in a bad direction? because i dont want to deal with that" so I stopped myself, but thats just it. I don't want to stop myself and I don't want to hide how I feel, so maybe I should just leave her alone. Thats what Ive been doing but I feel so immature about doing it because she hasn't done anything wrong. Then again, its not like ignoring her is really "punishing" her because it seems she's fine without me, and she'd never tell me if she wasn't.

 

Much like any ramble I've done, this one doesnt' go anywhere but it's nice to release the emotion. With each passing day, I come to the realization that being friends with her is pointless. I can't say anything nice to her because she'll think it's me hitting on her and she can't say anything to me because she'll think she's giving me "false hope" (something she already did)

 

Am I doing the right thing here or should I put my pride aside and just be friends, even if it's not close friends?

[bwhite00]

My ex - who I was in love with - asked if we could be friends.

 

My response is 'I'm sorry but that won't work for me. I love having you as a girlfriend but being friends would just be too hard for me'.

 

To which she replied 'well I hope you change your mind'.

 

I told her I wouldn't change my mind on it and I *won't*.

 

Tell her it's too difficult then go NC. She'll know not to contact you as a 'friend' after that.

[Lori123]

When a woman tells you that she wants to remain friends, I think that, more often than not, she's being genuine. If you had a real relationship and there was a friendship component to it, she enjoyed that, and doesn't want to see it end just because you're cutting out the romantic component.

 

From what I've heard and seen, this is really, really difficult for the guy, because he can't separate the two. The friendship component and the romantic component were deeply intertwined for him. My theory is that women relate to each other on that deep, open, friendship level all the time, and doing so with a man is no different from doing so with another woman. But men don't often share that kind of friendship with each other, so they mentally connect that friendship with the relationship. For them, they can't have one without the other. Again, just my theory.

 

You can't have a friendship with her right now. Maybe you will be able to in the future, and maybe you won't. But right now, in order for you to heal, you have to cut ties with her. She will have a hard time understanding this because of what I said about women and friendships. But you can't worry about that. You have to put yourself first, and get out of this situation that keeps you mired in sadness and "what ifs."

 

It's time for you to wipe your slate clean.

[sonicfan287]

Thanks for the female perspective. I know exactly what youre saying, even though Im a guy. I am trying to separate the romanticism from the friendship but Im having a great deal of trouble doing it, if only because I feel like that inevitable day when she says she has another boyfriend, Im just gonna hit the ground hard, and I dont want to have to deal with that.

 

That said, if I do go into seclusion and dont talk to her for say, 2-3 months or longer, and then one day decide I may be ready to, will that option even be available or will I have ticked her off by not talking for so long and she'll just shrug and be like "I dont really feel like being friends either?" or does it matter? Because neither of us really did anything that horrible, I guess things could be friendly down the road. Im just harboring too much anger for that to be possible right now.

[Lori123]

I read another post on here recently that dealt with this topic. The person basically said not to torment yourself with that thought. If you approach her a couple of months down the road (or longer), and you start by communicating that you needed to wait to talk to her again until you could truly be friends with her, without any underlying expectations or motivations, she will understand and appreciate that.