I am an idiot.

[OptomisticGirl]

There are def. warning signs. The first time my ex cheated he had gotten drunk and slept with his ex lesbian girlfriend at a part. The morning after he called me to talk to me and after we hung up I had something to tell him so I called the number back (he didn't have a cell) and a woman picked up. Do you think any bells went off in my head? Nope. Eventually found out he had used her cell phone. Then a couple of months later we were talking about the party and he mentioned her being there and I was unaware she had been. Got the gut feeling but ignored it.

 

The second time (different girl) he was texting her and what not and one time ignored a call from me on his way home because he was chatting with her (I know because when I heard him walk in I pretended to be asleep and he was STILL talking to her). So yeah. Hindsight is 20-20.

[DN]

He emotionally cheated but didn't physically cheat? What was the extent of the emotional cheating - what does that actually mean?

[-Sanguine-]

He emotionally cheated but didn't physically cheat? What was the extent of the emotional cheating - what does that actually mean?

 

I'm not sure how long they were actually in contact for.. all I know is it stopped at the end of April. If I had to guess I would say it lasted for a month or so.

but I found conversations on Skype with a girl from his hometown. She's a friend of his cousin.

 

Basically, the conversation was quite flirty on his part.

Saying things like "you're pretty, I miss you, wish I could cuddle you to sleep"

Stuff he was definitely not saying to me at that time.

Now that I look back on it, I don't recall HER saying anything much. Like she replied saying "that would be nice" in regards to the cuddle, but it seemed she didn't initiate the flirting. As far as I remember. I don't know, though. He told me they had been texting as well during that time.

[-Sanguine-]

Yeah. Definitely.

I mean, I'm not happy he cheated. But I'm glad that he's not one of those guys who can be totally happy and in love with me and act like it.. but then still have another girl on the side. You know what I mean?

[DN]

Did he ever say why he did that?

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah. Definitely.

I mean, I'm not happy he cheated. But I'm glad that he's not one of those guys who can be totally happy and in love with me and act like it.. but then still have another girl on the side. You know what I mean?

 

I do. My ex was. It sucked.

 

I'm not sure how long they were actually in contact for.. all I know is it stopped at the end of April. If I had to guess I would say it lasted for a month or so.

but I found conversations on Skype with a girl from his hometown. She's a friend of his cousin.

 

Basically, the conversation was quite flirty on his part.

Saying things like "you're pretty, I miss you, wish I could cuddle you to sleep"

Stuff he was definitely not saying to me at that time.

Now that I look back on it, I don't recall HER saying anything much. Like she replied saying "that would be nice" in regards to the cuddle, but it seemed she didn't initiate the flirting. As far as I remember. I don't know, though. He told me they had been texting as well during that time.

 

It sounds more like he was just flirting. I mean yeah, you shouldn't be telling someone else you want to cuddle with them while in a relationship but emotionally cheating to me is when you verbalize your intent to cheat, does that make sense? Like, there is a difference in flirting compared to telling a girl you want to make sweet, sweet love to them (as an example).

[-Sanguine-]

Did he ever say why he did that?

 

He said he was having a rough time. He never really explained why but I can think of a few reasons that would make sense. He said he started talking to her AFTER he was feeling down, which wasn't a good idea obviously. I don't think it was that she came into his life and realized he liked her more than me. He said he was already in a bad place when it happened.

 

He moved to a city he really hates to be with me. We ended up moving in together which was not the plan.. and I know he wasn't ready for that and looking back neither was I. It's a small one bedroom basement suite, so it's hard to get space. Also, none of his friends live there and I hardly have any either so we spent his whole entire week off together. He was also very bored on his week of so I think he was feeling down about the whole situation. Not to mention, I know how smothering I can be sometimes and that doesn't help. He never said any of this, but this is what I think it was that got him feeling down in the first place.

 

According to him he doesn't know why he did it, but he messed up and he was wrong and he was having a hard time with stuff.. so yeah.

[-Sanguine-]

I do. My ex was. It sucked.

 

 

 

It sounds more like he was just flirting. I mean yeah, you shouldn't be telling someone else you want to cuddle with them while in a relationship but emotionally cheating to me is when you verbalize your intent to cheat, does that make sense? Like, there is a difference in flirting compared to telling a girl you want to make sweet, sweet love to them (as an example).

 

Yeah, it could have been a lot worse.

But still. It was really hard knowing he wasn't saying things like that to me, but he was with another girl. He was a bit flirty with another girl, but it was nothing like that. I think it just really hit hard cause he never told me he missed me and he was sometimes gone for weeks at a time.. so that hurt.

 

You make sense, though. At least they weren't contemplating meeting up or anything like that.. that I know of.

 

When I confronted him, though, he totally understood why I was so upset. I remember telling him how much it hurt to know he liked another girl. And he said he messed up, but never again.

[-Sanguine-]

If I react this way over a small semi-emotional affair, I can't imagine how I would react to physically cheating. That's why I know I would have to end it if that happened.

[OptomisticGirl]

 

According to him he doesn't know why he did it, but he messed up and he was wrong and he was having a hard time with stuff.. so yeah.

 

That answer always infuriated me when I asked my ex. Not saying it about your guy but any one who cheats KNOWS why they do it. You can not 'know.' My ex always gave me that song and dance about the second time he cheated (which was like two months after we had moved in together). When we broken up last Nov. one of the first questions out of my mouth was, yet again, why he had cheated the last time. His response?

 

He wasn't ready for the commitment and it was his way of trying to get me to break up with him instead of him being the one to do it.

 

That could be why you are having such a hard time moving on. I know it was for me. To me, I had to have a definite reason WHY he did this and he could never give it to me (until after the relationship ended) and it kept me from forgiving him.

[-Sanguine-]

I wish I could know WHY too

I mean, he fell out of love with me. I know because when I asked him if he still talked to her he said "no, she knows I'm back in love"

so I'm guessing he started feeling down about our relationship and different about me..

 

guessing, though. At least he got back on track as far as I can tell.

 

I'm really sorry about your ex, by the way. But it's nice you have such an understanding fiance

[OptomisticGirl]

If I react this way over a small semi-emotional affair, I can't imagine how I would react to physically cheating. That's why I know I would have to end it if that happened.

 

Yeah, I blew my gasket when my ex cheated. And the second time his best friend witnessed the meltdown. :s

 

Yeah, it could have been a lot worse.

But still. It was really hard knowing he wasn't saying things like that to me, but he was with another girl. He was a bit flirty with another girl, but it was nothing like that. I think it just really hit hard cause he never told me he missed me and he was sometimes gone for weeks at a time.. so that hurt.

 

You make sense, though. At least they weren't contemplating meeting up or anything like that.. that I know of.

 

When I confronted him, though, he totally understood why I was so upset. I remember telling him how much it hurt to know he liked another girl. And he said he messed up, but never again.

 

It did have to be hard, and it's always hard to know your guy may be confiding in someone else when you are right there to talk to. It sucks but you are right, it could have been a lot of worse.

 

*nods* Instead of paying you attention he was putting the attention he should have been putting to you onto another girl, which understandably would make you hurt and anger.

[-Sanguine-]

Do you think I was too hard on him? I mean, when I confronted him, I was pretty rational. But after, it set in that this was actually a form of cheating and for a while I was super sensitive about everything. I still am, but much better. I think I know I wasn't, but sometimes I feel bad cause I've been so insane. Plus, I'm just a super guilty person in general.

[OptomisticGirl]

I wish I could know WHY too

I mean, he fell out of love with me. I know because when I asked him if he still talked to her he said "no, she knows I'm back in love"

so I'm guessing he started feeling down about our relationship and different about me..

 

guessing, though. At least he got back on track as far as I can tell.

 

I'm really sorry about your ex, by the way. But it's nice you have such an understanding fiance

 

Maybe you need to sit him down and tell him you need to know why, that you know he was going through a hard time and all that but in order for you to move and get past it (Which is what he wants) you need him to tell you WHY. He doesn't have to answer right then, tell him to think about it but that it's an important answer for you to know.

 

Yeah, he was a scumbag. Can you believed I stayed with him for 4 years? Not my brightest moment... It is. He has been cheated on too before so its kind of one of those in a way he understand where I'm coming from.

[OptomisticGirl]

Do you think I was too hard on him? I mean, when I confronted him, I was pretty rational. But after, it set in that this was actually a form of cheating and for a while I was super sensitive about everything. I still am, but much better. I think I know I wasn't, but sometimes I feel bad cause I've been so insane. Plus, I'm just a super guilty person in general.

 

That's a toughie to answer. I mean, if I were to put me and my fiance in the situation I would say no, because I probably would have reacted the same way. It hurts to know the person you love has turned to someone else, for whatever reason, rather than turning to you. And we all have our defitions of cheating (my ex bestfriend considers watching porn cheating) but to me, it wouldn't be cheating. I mean, he flirted way too much with the girl but for me and my defintion of cheating (even emotional) it would have had to go down like, "I love you, I imagine us being together and making love." Professing his wants/needs pretty much and trying to hook up with her.

 

Flirting sucks and it was def. more than harmless flirting.

[-Sanguine-]

That's a toughie to answer. I mean, if I were to put me and my fiance in the situation I would say no, because I probably would have reacted the same way. It hurts to know the person you love has turned to someone else, for whatever reason, rather than turning to you. And we all have our defitions of cheating (my ex bestfriend considers watching porn cheating) but to me, it wouldn't be cheating. I mean, he flirted way too much with the girl but for me and my defintion of cheating (even emotional) it would have had to go down like, "I love you, I imagine us being together and making love." Professing his wants/needs pretty much and trying to hook up with her.

 

Flirting sucks and it was def. more than harmless flirting.

 

Hmmm, well I guess there's nothing I can do about it now. But true, everyone has their own definition. I don't think porn is cheating, either.

[OptomisticGirl]

Hmmm, well I guess there's nothing I can do about it now. But true, everyone has their own definition. I don't think porn is cheating, either.

 

Neither do I, but yeah, what he did was serious, even if someone doesn't classify it as cheating it was a HUGE mistake.

[-Sanguine-]

Neither do I, but yeah, what he did was serious, even if someone doesn't classify it as cheating it was a HUGE mistake.

 

Thanks for everything!

A lot of people who reply when I want to talk about cheating only look at it from the point of view of telling me to leave the relationship. Which maybe, is what I will have to do one day.. but at the moment I was just looking for insight like yours. Just someone who understands.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks for everything!

A lot of people who reply when I want to talk about cheating only look at it from the point of view of telling me to leave the relationship. Which maybe, is what I will have to do one day.. but at the moment I was just looking for insight like yours. Just someone who understands.

 

Yeah, I always ignore those who jump to that response. Just because there is a problem doesn't mean you need to run from the relationship. Now if someone does get physcially cheated on, my first advice will always be to leave. Just because my experience with staying with someone who has cheated showed me it almost never works out (unless like I said, they person who cheated truly is forgiving).

 

Anytime.

[odile]

I think from now on, I just have to be really non-insecure, towards him at least.. unless he gives me a reason not to be. But I have to be more wise in what I see as threatening and really think before I say something. I think if something is REALLY wrong I will know.

 

Do you mean another reason?

 

He had an affair with a girl from his hometown,

and schedules a last-minute trip to this same hometown for the very week that you are unable to go,

and shaves his hoo-haa just in time for the trip.

 

He may be innocent, but either way, you have more than enough grounds for suspicion.

 

Primarily because he's already cheated once, and yet he's managed to get you on the defensive!

It sounds like he plays a bit of headgame (e.g., that beach-house window paranoia thing).

Sorry, but something just sounds "off" to me.

[-Sanguine-]

Do you mean another reason?

 

He had an affair with a girl from his hometown,

and schedules a last-minute trip to this same hometown for the very week that you are unable to go,

and shaves his hoo-haa just in time for the trip.

 

He may be innocent, but either way, you have more than enough grounds for suspicion.

 

Primarily because he's already cheated once, and yet he's managed to get you on the defensive!

It sounds like he plays a bit of headgame (e.g., that beach-house window paranoia thing).

Sorry, but something just sounds "off" to me.

 

 

 

Okay, I can see why you would think of those three reasons. But honestly, the last two are not true. So I'm not going to worry myself over them unless something seems really off because like I said, it was a misunderstanding.. he didn't shave just before, he did it when he was going to be seeing me, I took it the wrong way. And there are no available weekends for me at this time in my life.. I can't take work off. So is he supposed to not go to his hometown because I can't come? I wouldn't do that. Anyways, I'll still keep a watchful eye.

[odile]

Okay, I can see why you would think of those three reasons. But honestly, the last two are not true. So I'm not going to worry myself over them unless something seems really off because like I said, it was a misunderstanding.. he didn't shave just before, he did it when he was going to be seeing me, I took it the wrong way. And there are no available weekends for me at this time in my life.. I can't take work off. So is he supposed to not go to his hometown because I can't come? I wouldn't do that. Anyways, I'll still keep a watchful eye.

 

Well, it sounds as if you are on the right track then;

staying calm and grounded (with open eyes!) is the way to go.

 

Just be sure to trust your gut, and

do not let him convince you that you are being paranoid

when any other person in your position would likely have had the same concerns.

 

On another note: good luck with your new job!

[-Sanguine-]

Well, it sounds as if you are on the right track then;

staying calm and grounded (with open eyes!) is the way to go.

 

Just be sure to trust your gut, and

do not let him convince you that you are being paranoid

when any other person in your position would likely have had the same concerns.

 

On another note: good luck with your new job!

 

Thank you!