I’m in love with my best friend, but we’re both girls

[Moonsong]

Thank you tabbyloves for your reply, if there is something I will message you and don’t worry I’m not very good either at giving advice.

So before I start telling you guys everything, I want to say that I wrote everything that I wanted in here and that I didn’t try to make the story shorter. So if you don’t like reading very long stories, be warned ;p Also, I ain’t that good at English so please bear with me.

About the story: almost 2 years have past since I started this threat (august 2010). Also did I try to make it as nice as possible for you guys to read. Right now I’m stronger than in the beginning and I learned a lot from what happened between me and my friend.

 

 

After my last message on this threat (see 11-17-2010) everything started going downwards. I got to know the other side of her.

 

 

My friend, let’s call her A that will be easier, has always been emotionally unstable and she would often think about very dark things. To give you the best example, every day she would be telling me stuff about the thing that happened in Chernobyl, Ukraine in 1986. She knew everything about it, who died there, what time it was when it happened, etc. She was always very emotional about that topic and whenever she thought about it she broke down in tears. If she was crying I would of course try to comfort her. By the cause of her being so obsessed about Chernobyl she also wanted to become an engineer of nuclear energy. I never really got why she was so concerned about what happened, because first of all, it was before we were born, second, if it makes you feel bad why would you want to know so much about it and third, life goes on, the people have taken peace with it, why couldn’t she? Of course I understand the impact of that incident, but I’ve always been very optimistic and thought that life just needed to go on. So there I was listening to her, being there for her and trying to understand her.

 

 

As I told before me and A were in the same class. At first everything was okay, we were still the best of friends and we never disagreed with each other. But soon things changed. Whenever I had a better grade than her, she was mad at me. When there was a pause and I was talking with somebody she didn’t know she would stay away, isolating her from everybody else and forcing me to come to her. She also would get mad at the people of our class when they tried to be friendly or when they tried to make a joke. So when I told her that those people didn’t mean anything bad or when I said that she shouldn’t react like that she confronted me with the fact that I wasn’t choosing her side and that I tried controlling her. After those things happened more frequently I wasn’t very sure about my feelings anymore, I still wanted to love her, but I couldn’t.

 

 

It was tearing me away, I wasn’t as happy and optimistic anymore like I used to be. It was the beginning of the year (January 2011) when me and A were chatting with each other. We started pretty normal, talking about what I should get her for her birthday. But after a while she began getting angry at me, telling me that she was tired of everything while adjusting : “not of you, don’t be scared”, I answered: “no, it’s okay you can say it”, she told me that I didn’t trust her anymore, I answered: “of course I do!”, at that point I was getting desperate, when she said: “F*ck you! What is wrong with you! You can’t think clearly anymore! You’ve changed, I don’t know why or how, but it’s not positive! You are avoiding the people around you, you are scared!”, me: “But, I didn’t change! I want to be myself! And how do you know I’m scared?”

A: “Yeah right! But people see the opposite!”

me: “What am I doing wrong?”

A: “You should be standing in my place, knowing how it feels to be worried, really worried, because you think you know everything and feel everything, you’re not better than anyone else, you’re just being egoistic! You’re always criticising me, trying to control me! I’m tired of this, I have been patient, but you are destroying our friendship. I have done enough, now it’s your turn to do it!”

This is the shortened version of our chat. After this I cried for a very long time and I couldn’t sleep. I had come to a conclusion, I didn’t love her anymore, I gave up on her. But what I didn’t know, was that this was just the beginning.

 

 

After the chat we didn’t talk anymore, not even on school. I was hurt, but I tried to get on with my life, trying to learn about what happened. I got to know some friends better and I had a great class where everyone was friends and so I started having fun at school again. I got back to who I once was and maybe even better. After a while, somewhere in march, she started talking to me again, trying to get close to me again. I was probably pretty naïve back then, but I missed her somehow. And so we talked about what happened. She told me that her parents told her that she couldn’t be friends with me anymore and that it wasn’t her choice. That was something strange, because when my mom met up with her parents some weeks before the chat, they told my mom that I was a very good friend for A and that, because she wanted to be better than me, her grades were getting better. I said that I forgave her and so we became friends once again, but still I knew that it would never be the same as it used to be.

 

 

The rest of the school year we stayed friends, but not as close as we were before. We didn’t hug as much or have much psychical contact anymore. She often tried to talk with me about it, asking me why I wouldn’t hug her that much anymore or why I wasn’t spending so much time with her anymore. What can I say, a wound heals but the scar will always stay and, on the other hand, I had other friends too. But still I didn’t want our friendship to end completely because of what she once meant to me.

The last day before the summer vacation. There had been exams and my rapport card wasn’t that bad, but A had an onvoldoende for some subjects and so she was sad again. At noon we could go home and so my first day of summer vacation began! Proud about my results and, of course, happy about the holidays, I came home with a smile on my face. After eating and relaxing a bit, something unexpected happened: I got a call from A her stepfather, he told me that A hadn’t come home yet, so he asked me if I knew anything or if she was acting strange on school, I said no, because that was the truth. He said that if she called me, I had to call him immediately and he shut the phone down. I was shocked, but I’m not the type to go hysterical, so tried calling her, but it was no use. Her phone wasn’t on. A little later I also got a call from the police, it was a friendly woman and she asked me the same about A that her stepfather asked. I got very worried and I tried calling her numerous times, but I got no response. At the evening, around 10p.m., we got a call from her mother. She told me and my mom, which I had informed, that A had been hiding in the city, but that the cops had found her and that when the cops saw her she tried running away from them, but she fell and now she was in the hospital. I was relieved, but still quite astonished. Why did she try running away?

 

 

The next day I got another call from her mother. She told me that A was very depressed and that it would be good for her if she could talk to me. So two days later me and A would go to the city together. When I first saw her I was dazed: She had cut her hair of and now it was only 1cm (= 0,4 inch) long and on her arms I saw cutting marks, she told me that she wanted to look like an soldier and that the marks were from her cat. That afternoon she told me why she ran away, how she ran away, what she did while she was in the city (walking on the street and on the train rails) and what happened afterwards. The strange thing was that she looked proud about what she had done, she loved meeting the policemen and she found it exiting to walk alone on the street while it was dark. And her new dream was to become a cop. Most of that day we talked while walking in a park. In that vacation we talked a lot, I tried giving her advice on what to do and, most important, in that vacation I told her I was bi. When I told her, she said that it was okay and that it didn’t change our relationship at all. I was happy about her reaction but afterward I still don’t know if it was a good decision to tell her or not. That vacation changed everything and we were growing apart little by little.

 

 

The school started again and me and A were in the same class, together with two other friends of ours: Sophie and Lou (not their real names). Sophie was the one that was there for me the most after the chat, she knows everything that happened between me and A and those two never really got along very well. Anyway, A was still depressed, she was cutting her arms even more and she proudly told everyone about herself running away from home. Which is why the school psychologist told her to meet up with her to talk. A Friday, two weeks after school started again, A was talking with me and another friend which I’ll call Amy (she is my childhood friend and I also talked about her in my post on 11-17-2010). At that time me and Amy were closest to A and we both knew about what happened. So, we were talking when suddenly A says: “Tonight I’m going to do something very stupid.” Of course we asked what she was going to do and we tried talking it out of her head. She wouldn’t tell us anything and then she asked me: “Are mad now?” To be honest I was a little irritated, because I tried helping her for a long time already but she wouldn’t listen. So I said: “It’s your choice what you do, but you need to know that if you really do something stupid I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive you or not.” After that she didn’t talk about it anymore for that day. So school was out and I return home, still thinking about what she’ll do. When soon after that I get a call. Again from her stepfather, he tells me that she ran away from home again. I don’t know why but I had enough of it, I was furious.

 

 

That weekend I couldn’t think about anything else than her, everything that happened between us replayed itself a lot of times in my head. I told my mom everything and we talked a lot, afterwards I had decided: I didn’t want to be friends anymore. My mom was there for me and she told me that that was the right decision, I needed to protect myself, otherwise I would also get into that spiral of being depressed and not getting out. That Monday I couldn’t talk to her because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to hold myself from screaming at her. But the next day she asked me why I was so angry, she said that she was sorry and that she wanted to be friends again. I kept my cool and told her straight: “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be friends anymore.” She started scolding me, telling me that she wanted to go on but that I ruined it. Another friend of me, who was listening, defended me because I wasn’t coming up for myself. She said: “A, calm down. I think Moonsong is right, she has had more than enough patience with you.” A: “You stay out of it!”. I couldn’t hold myself, she was shouting at one of my friends, I said things that I don’t even remember. While I was still talking she ran away, to the school psychologist. I started crying, my friends hugged me and said that it was alright. It was for my own good.

 

 

The days after that she didn’t come to school. I needed to catch up for her with the lessons and so I did. In the days of her absence, A called Lou a lot, who was slowly getting less cheerful. The school psychologist wanted to talk to me, Sophie and Lou, but mostly to me. She wanted to know why I did this to A while she was in such a difficult period in her life. We told her everything, but we saw that the psychologist couldn’t understand how we felt. I was the bad guy and there was nothing I could change about that. Some days she came to school, but mostly she was absent. When she was there I was still friendly towards her and I tried to help her with school as much as I could. But she didn’t want to be friendly, whenever Lou or Amy would try to start talking to me and Sophie she would pull them away from us. This was very hard for Lou and she also made her decision when A told her bluntly that she couldn’t be friends with me and Sophie anymore. She asked me for advice on how to say A that she didn’t want to friends anymore and that same midday she told her. A was furious, it was my fault that Lou didn’t wanted to be friends with her anymore. She hated me.

 

 

A came to school even less and me, Sophie and Lou needed to go to the psychologist once again. She told us that A wouldn’t need to do the Christmas exams because of her absence and that she would go to an hospital where they would give her better psychological help. She didn’t know for how long. During the period that she was absent, she commented on a lot of our facebook photos, blaming us for leaving her. An example: “You can delete this photo, just like you threw me in the trash can!” and “Friends forever! Ha, don’t make me laugh!” Were my mom answered: “Friends you make with your hart, not with you mouth or fists.”

By the cause of that reaction A literally wrote this to my mom in an private message:

“Did your daughter give me that warm hart? No, she took everything from me! And you don’t need to say that I’m guilty for losing someone precious, because I can give an example of someone who is still there for me in this difficult period! And you and her are questioning yourselves why I am so angry, negative and depressed, well that’s because someone who was precious to me, left me standing alone!”

My mom answered: “What you are saying now is that my daughter is the cause of your problems! It’s always easy to point someone else for your own mistakes. But about what I know, you first had problems at home and now it’s my daughter her fault?! My daughter has tried to help you more than enough times, but your answer always was: don’t try to control my life. You are only looking at what my daughter did to you, but try looking in the mirror and maybe you’ll see what YOU did to her! She has always stayed friendly towards you and has always helped you with school. If she would have left you standing alone she wouldn’t have done this for you anymore either!”

She didn’t react on this message, but instead she wrote to a friend of us that she was going to kill herself. My mom called A her mom and she went looking at A only to find out that everything was okay.

 

 

And so the second term started without A. Everyone was together again, we had more fun than ever before. But luck can’t go on forever and so, at the end of march 2012 after the exams, she came back. The school psychologist had told us that she had changed and that we should try to forget everything that happened. We knew we can’t just forget it, but we decided that we would be friendly towards her. During the pause we saw her talking with Amy and some other friends, so we decided to go to them and say hi. But we didn’t expect A to run away the second that she saw us coming. She was avoiding us. She told people in our class that we were mean to her and so they started avoiding us too. This week, we decided to be even friendlier to her and thus, because she has no friends, we asked her in our group for a group work, she thanked us after that. And still, this Thursday she told Amy that we were being mean to her, luckily Amy knows better.

 

 

It’s an difficult situation, as you can probably see, but I will be able to get trough, I still have my friends and family. I’ve learned a lot from this, mostly that life has it’s ups and downs, but that I should enjoy it anyway. As I said this text is very long and maybe I could’ve left some parts away, but this is how I feel. If you want to give your opinion about my story or have a question, feel free to react or to ask. If you’ve read it all I just want to say: Thank you for reading it and I hope you, maybe not ‘enjoyed’ it, but found it worth of your time.

Xx Moonsong

[tabbyloves]

I don't see how A could blame you for it all....after like everything you did for her. God, you sound like me and my used to be bestfriend. We did everything together; held hands, kissed (but never considered anything of it) sleepovers, the lot. and then she started with her crap, and in anger i ended our friendship of 8 years (early 2011), she didn't talk to me for at-least 5 months, and then i found out she'd been cutting, h*ll she even cut herself right infront of me. I can't say i didn't cut in that period either, i sometimes still do... I don't know if things are gonna get better. i'm still struggling to get over it.

 

Yeah it's going to be difficult for you, but you're strong. and that's right you have family and friends there to support you. There's a saying i like to go by, its 'if its not okay, then its not the end.' i wish you the best of luck getting through this. (:

~Tabby xx

[Moonsong]

Thanks Tabby! That saying is definitely true.

Last week i've talked to her and told her that i want to be friendly to her and not ignore her. So yeah, we talk sometimes and she's friendly as wel (not spreading rumors anymore behind our backs)

She constant trying to become best friends again by talking about good memories from the past, but there is a limit to how close she can become to me again and that's nothing more than classmates.

Anyway, she told me that next school year she will go to another school and she asked me if we could keep contact which each other.

I don't know if that'll happen, but i'm already happy that i'm having fun at school again

[tabbyloves]

Awwe I'm glad that you're happy and having fun at school again. I'm glad things've been working out for you

[CrazyMind42]

Hello Moonsong, Its a little late to reply but I'm going to do it anyway. I can somewhat relate to your story on a lot of things. I haven't posted my story yet as it is obnoxiously long. But I would like to here more about how you are doing after all of this.

[Moonsong]

Hi Crazymind42!

Thanks for your reply! If you want to hear more about how i deal with it or if you have questions, maybe we can pm?

Anyway, if you want someone to talk to, i'm there for you

xx Moonsong

[camelonbread]

Hey just signed up to reply to this. I apologze in advanced for poor spelling and grammar.

 

I just caught up on your story. I'm truly interested. When I read it I sympathized with her. Mostly because I once was that crazy girl. Not because what she did was right or justified but just because I went crazy like that. Growing up stress at home and terrifie d of being gay at the same time.

 

I really would like to know if she's been the only girl if you keep I. Touch and of course how much you miss the beginning. It sounded so sweet and beautiful.

 

I hope your still here I'm very curious.

[Moonsong]

Hi camelonbread!

Yes, i'm still here! Even though it has been quite a time ago i last checked my thread (sorry)

Thanks for your reply!

It's not a problem that your not that good at english, nobody is perfect!

But i don't get the last 2 sentences sorry!

If you don't mind would you repeat your question?

And with whom are you sympathizing? Sorry for these questions!!

I hope you don't mind!

xx Moonsong

[camelonbread]

Do you still keepin contact with the other girl? Do you have feelings for her still?

 

Do you have a new girl or guy?

 

I felt for her because I was once her. Obsessed with a friend. I didn't go as drastic as her but I was in the samr boat.

 

I also feel for you because you lost what was sooo special.

 

I am in the middle of crushing on a friend who flirts with me and has tickle fights sleep overs and cuddles me. We are both 21

[Moonsong]

It's pretty complicated, but i will try to make it short

This summer vacation i met up with her to talk things out. Not to become friends again or keep contact afterwards, no,

just so we could be friends again for one day and then go our separate ways, both with mostly good memories about each other. And by the way i still had to confess something, didn't i?

We met up in the central park, talked a little and at the end of our day together, i told her what she once meant to me. She was surprised, but she didn't mind.

She told me that even if i had been in love with her, she wouldn't look back differently at our friendship. She begged me if we could try again, maybe not as close as before, but she wanted me back.

I had been the most important thing in her life, the best friend she ever had she told me. I made the promise to try again, which i regretted immediately.

I knew I couldn't start over yet because i was still hurt from what happened before and honestly i don't want to be all friendly in her face when inside i just can't see us together again.

I wrote a mail in which i told her that i couldn't be friends again. She wrote back that she hated me because i was stopping all contact we had,

she still wished me luck in my future but told me that i didn't have to write back. She apologised for trusting me to much.

I was hurt but it knew was my own fault, if i only hadn't said i would try to be friends with her again she didn't have to hate me now.

 

So if you read this thingy^ you probably figured out we don't have contact anymore. Right now i miss the old times, because i don't think i will ever have such a bond with somebody else again.

Maybe i'll try to make things right, but i'm afraid that if i do that it will only get worse, as a good example: look at my attempt above.

I don't hate her (anymore), we both have things we did wrong in our relationship. I understand why you feel sorry for her

And no, i don't have a new girl- or boyfriend.

xx Moonsong

[ElectricRaijin]

I sat here read it all. The emotions you went through must of been hard to deal with but you go there and I'm very proud if you!

 

I am a lesbian, currently just got out of a rut that really through me into major depression, but seeing this actually helped a lot. Trust me. I'm 24 and I am forever learning about how to deal with these types of things.

 

A really did a number on you, but you know, if you are destined to meet again in the future you can both look back at this and laugh together. That is what I plan to do! I'm rooting for you!

[Moonsong]

Thank you so much ElectricRaijin for your nice comment! I really really mean it!

And also thank you for reading my whole story! I means so much to me I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that, but i'm sure with time everything will work out.

And also i'm glad i could help at least a little!

I'm looking forward to the day that i and her will meet again and will be able to talk things out. It might take some time but i'm sure we will someday.

I hope that you will be able to smile again soon and thank you again!

xx

[DxS]

and if i may ask do you still like girls or was that just something you went thru?

[kittensmeow10]

Thank you sooooo much. I read this story cause im going through the same problem. this has told me a lot. thing is, im not 100% sure im bi. I have a crush on a guy and a girl please help me . PS tell her your bi and take small steps, maybe shes bi too

[kittensmeow10]

Im going through the same problem, in love with my best friend but im like 99% sure she NOT bi. Thing is, i like a girl and a guy. But i have no one to talk to about it.

[Moonsong]

Sorry for not reacting for a while but to answer your questions:

DxS, yes i still like girls and i'm bi right now i have a boyfriend though which i'm very happy with and i'm pretty sure our relationship will last very long.

kittensmeow10, you shouldn't thank me, but i'm very happy i was able to support you a little and if you want to you can always talk to me and i'll try to help a smuch as i can, but for now i wish you good luck and i hope that everything will turn out well for you.

xx

[lostinparadise]

you are young.. and she seems into you then go for it.

 

When I was in my 16 years old. I fell in love with my best friend, she was straight. I never tell her how I feel about her, then after she know I live under one roof with another woman, she called me sick and leave our friendship. some of my friend said, she might be angry I never told her how I wanted her before. and yet I choose another woman over her..

 

well, tell her. its never wrong at least you tried...

[Saint Larissa]

Hi moonsong i think that you should know that your friend was in love with you and probaly still is. The reason she didn't tell you is because she was way too scared, i was was the same with with my friend we were always hanging around with each other until one day i relised the feelings i had for her. After that i ended up doing same sort of things your friend did, anyway long story short we drifted apart and the last time she talked to me she said she loved me but because of all the bull**** i put her and our friends through she said she didn't love me anymore (like you and your friend in the park) and because of that i didn't tell her how i felt because i thought why bother her with what could have been. So she never found out how i felt. Anyway that was two years ago i am twenty now and and have come to terms with my sexuality but i still feel huge regret that i didn't tell her and sometimes feel so depressed about it that i really wish she would call me so i can pick up the phone and tell how much i still love her. So please don't hate her she was just a confused teen

 

Luv Lara

[TeamAs]

Hey ur thread really touched me heart, it helped me a lot and I actually read everything and I hate reading. I would really like to talk to u in privet like over email or something...I hope this message sends I really have no idea how to use this website I'm bad with computers.

[TeamAs]

I would really like to talk to u bout what has happened between u and ur Xbestfriend because I have fallen for my bestfriend and I am really scared even just to talk to her.

[Moonsong]

Hi TeamAs

sorry i just read your message today.. but if you want to we can definitely send private messages, i would like to help you in whatever way i can.

and hi Saint Larissa

why don't you just pick up the phone and call her? it's always worth a try... and if it goes wrong and she still doesn't want any contact with you then maybe you'll be able to get over her because at least tried one more time and maybe even told her your true feelings... and my bestfriend told me she wasn't in love with me before but she became in love with me the second time when we tried sorting things out between us.. right now we're both going on with our lives and i think both of us are sad that our friendship went wrong but you have to live on anyway and learn from the mistakes you made so that's what i'm doing right now...

xx

[BigSmile18]

HI ! I want to say that I had read your love story yesterday and today I read the second part, the one with the fights. I was sleepy yesterday, so this morning I thought I dreamed or I readed a love story from a book or that I watched a movie. It’s…speechless.

 

I still have a problem I really hope you can help me about...I have this best friend, our relationship has its up and down periods, but for a year now we are much closer than we were before. [i mean mostly about the hugs, kisses on the cheek, standing with the head on each other's shoulder or even in the other's lap, playing with each other's hair and…a thing that messed me up.]

 

To explain that thing, I'll say that I have another friend who used to do some kind of massage [which is veeery relaxing for some people and very turning on for others] and basically consists in tickling with your nails the back of the the other person’s neck. In the first months of trying to get over inhibitions with my bf, we went to a coffee after the classes. The local was pretty empty and we were a little bored so I asked her “Hey, may I check something ? “ and at her confused answer “ Well, try..” I started to gently tickle her neck. I asked her “How does it feels ? “ and she surprised me with the answer “Uhm..It feeeels…Uhm...” [i’ve imagined that she would stop me if the reaction was to turn her on. ] As a joke or some king of teasing, I continued down her back, on her hands, on her legs until she was in that state of ecstasy that she couldn’t concentrate not even to read a simple text message. After that, I used to do that to her increasingly more often when we went out.

The thing is it all started from a stupidity, but now I have even dreams about kissing her and stuff.. I have feelings for her and almost always when we met I stop and think every move I make, but really don’t know what to do because I'm 99% sure she is straight…

 

I really hope you're still here and you will help me ! I'm sory for my english and for this loooong message.

[Moonsong]

Hello BigSmile! ^.^

I'll certainly help you any way i can So i got a question for you..

Did you and your friend ever talk about lesbians or 2 women being together?

And do you have a feeling you're special to her? Or did you ever have the feeling that she tried giving you signs that she was in love with you or

did you guys ever have a romantic moment together?

If you're almost sure she's straight it might not seem the best idea to tell her you like her, but if you think it wouldn't affect your friendship with her it can be a good

thing to do cause maybe she might see you in another light and maybe even open up to the possibility of having a relationship with you

But it all depends on you of course.. if you wanna tell her or not..

xx

[BigSmile18]

You're still here ! Thank you so much for your reply...

 

If I’m special to her.. Yes, I am. She is not that kind of person who shows her feelings, but it happened once. It was a day when she was seriously broked down after she was ridiculised in front of 40 teachers and another 29 studens. I’ve never saw her like that before, she was devastated. But after one hour I spent with her she ended up laughing. Then she told me that she didn’t talk to any of her other friends because she just can’t talk to them [ If she is angry, they step back without saying a word until she calm down. ] and I’m special because I’ve always knew how to be there for her and how to support her.

 

About the two women being together…No, we didn’t really talked about that because I don’t know how to get at that subject without any suspicions from her. Once, while I was tickling her on the back I told her that I should stop because we’ll look like lesbians. “Shut up and continue to do that ! “ was her response, so I guess she doesn’t have any problems with lesbians..

 

The only kind of sings would be that she told me that she doesn’t accept this kind of touches from any other girl and that she tells me pretty often that “If you continue to do that I’m going jump on you.” Or “Uhm, I don’t think that my boyfriend would mind if I cheat him with a girl..”

 

Oh, and no...we didn't have any romantic moment because our parents are a kinda communist type and they doesn't agree with our friendship...The next year we're going to college in another city and she always tells me that she want to live there together or if our parents found different hosts for us we should move together. She also told me that she wish we could go to seaside together sometime.

[guanyu4u]

I really enjoyed reading ur post. It's really sweet and Innocent and it made me laugh sometimes.

I think u r pretty close enough to tell her that u r a bi- and see how would she react. I feel u r pretty close and even if she didn't have the same feeling u'll still be friend.

 

BTW, if this scenario was between 2 boys; they'll be so dead on, to the bones, in love with each other. I also liked how much easy going (and so observant) your family r, talking about ur relationship with ur friend.