Did my wife ever really love me?

[anewdayyesterday]

I'll try to be brief. During the first week of March this year my wife of 15 years told me she didn't love me anymore. She felt rejected by my lack of intimacy for the last six years (just after the birth of our 2nd child) and her love for me fadded to nothing. She knew I masturbated with porn and had visited strip clubs. My first reaction was anger but after some soul searching and counseling I now agree with her feelings of rejection. Three years ago she came to me and sort of told me how she felt but at the time but I foolishly rationalized our situation and blamed her for not being happy with what we had.

At first she wanted no part of counseling or talk of reconciliation. I asked her, one last time, to meet with a marriage counsuler. She agreed and we met with counsolers separate and together a number of times. Now she says she's not sure about a divorce but she needs a separation. She wants space and time to heal.

During the counsuling I came to realize that I've been in depression for about seven years. That's when I began to put on lot's of weight. I've since lost the weight I had gained and I feel like a new man. Most of my depression came from the effort I put into my career that did not yield positive results but I'd also been obsessed about an event that happened three years into our marriage.

My wife had, not an affair, but a tryst with a man she met through work. They kissed and fondled each other. She told me it went no further than that but she never told me if it happened more than once.

Soon after she told me, in March 2004, I found out, by accident, that my wife was having an online relationship with a man stationed at a local army base. She said it was online only and that they never met or talked. Then I found out, by accident, that my wife had used our dell computer account to buy this guy a laptop computer. I saw the check he sent to pay her back but at first she lied about it. I wanted to know more about what transpired between them but my wife said no because she needs her privacy.

After this I felt compelled to tell her about a strip club visit I made about eight years ago. I paid to enter a private room with one of the dancers to touch her breasts. It was horrible that I did this but I had to tell her.

Today I know I still love her. I know where I went wrong and that she'll never feel neglected again. I know what she did with the online friend was a result of her feeling alone and I don't blame her. And the event that took place years ago, I've finally put it behind me. I've loved her since the moment I met her. I didn't realize, while it was happening, why she felt neglected. I want to make it up to her and show her how I feel. Saying it is not enough. But she still wants the separation.

With all this said now I'm beginning to feel as if she never really loved me at all. She knows about my depression. Our counsuler discussed it with us at length. Why does she find it so hard to forgive me? If she loved me before why can't she put all this behind her?

Thanks for your comments and advice.

[Beec]

Why can't she put soemthing behind her? Because it is not so easy to do so. The other thing you need to realiza is that love untended can die like a plant choked off by weeds and a vine.

 

Frankly, I would not forgive her so easily if I were you and I don't think I'd be so hard on myself for going into one strip club. You went in and engaged in a commercial transaction for a cheap thrill lasting a few mintues. She engaged in at least a few moments of passion in a not so impersonal manner. But that's how I think.

 

If you want your wife back, give her some spearation and learn about what it takes and how you would go about seducing someone, then do it to you wife.

[sue]

Imagine rejection for 7 years. Then try to imagine overnight forgiveness. It does not add up. She needs time -- give it to her. She needs space, give it to her - in fact, give her a little more than she is comfortable with.

 

I know this sounds corny - but you must follow the "dao of steve". If you don't know what that is, rent the movie. Follow the rules of the dao and she will be eating out of the palm of your hand. That is, if you really want her back......

 

You both have made mistakes in the relationship -- as has everyone on this website. But as a woman, I will tell you -- sometimes it's nice to be chased, and sometimes it's nice to do the chasing.

 

Watch the movie --- you'll understand.

[Beec]

Never heard of the dao of Steve, but now, at the end of the day, witha few minutes, I'll give you the brief version of why we fall in love:

 

1. We fall in love with those who meet our emotional needs, give us emotional fulfillment, make us feel good, special, etc. Think about what you did for seven years.

 

2. We fall in love with those who remain aloof, independent, don't make lots of demands on us, are not clingy. Whether you want to admit this or not love is a bargain, we love those who we get a good deal from: they give us what we want and need and we don't think the price is too high. You whole initial question makes you seem pretty needy now, so maybe you are just no bargain.

 

3. We want what we cannot or might not be able to have. So, if you are chasing her to patch things up and be all lovey-dovey right now, then you are telling her she can have you and you are throwing water on the coals of any desire still there.

 

4. We do things based on our emotions and then explain them away.

 

So what you need to do to get your wife back, because right nowshe is gone, is first give her space, then jsut be nice and make her feel great, while asking for nothing, and while you are doing this figure out what you need to do for her, HER not the general average person I can talk about above, to seduce her and make her want and depend on you. You need to make yourself like bargain basement priced street heroin, a drug she gets hooked on, before you start imposing any costs. Your whole initial question reads high-maintenance.

[tiger_lilies]

Forgivness certainly takes a long time. I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that once the trust is broken, it takes a lot of effort and time to get back.

Keep showing her by your actions that she is the only one for you. Don't just say it. Words mean nothing. Actions prove that you are sincere.

 

My ex just stopped trying to gain my trust back after he cheated on me. It proves to me that he didn't mean what he said. He simply gave up because he was too lazy to work on us.

 

I advise you to keep trying, even when you think the hope is lost...if you keep plugging away at it, she will come around. You both have too much history for her to just throw it all away.

Hope it all works out for you.

[anewdayyesterday]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I checked out the movie suggested by sue and behind the comic tone it made some sense. The main character's philosophy contained elements from all of your messages.

It's all so hard because I want to hurry up and fix this but it's quite impossible to speed up any kind of healing.

I can't seem to keep all this out of my mind.