Ex e-mails after 2 months NC. Advice please!

[deebee]

My ex-girlfriend of six months has just e-mailed me after two months of No Contact - we haven't spoken or contacted each other since the split, which she initiated.

 

Today I get an e-mail saying how she realises that she is probably the last person I want to her from but how was I, am I getting out in the sunshine and she still has a couple of things of mine. Any advice on responses please?

 

Two options:

1. Don't reply - seems rude as she was civil

2. Reply - but how to judge it and where will it go?

 

My thoughts were to reply but keep it simple and non-emotive: say I'm fine, doing blah-blah-blah. But should I say why I NC'd her? That it was the only way I could come to terms with the break up and move on with my life? I do miss her of course, but I don't want to get back together now. Even seeing her would be tough. I'm not interested in venting the pain and anger as I realise it wouldn't change or achieve anything. I'm not bothered about having the stuff back either (it's only a book and wine glasses).

 

Does NC have an end-point? Or is any contact Bad?! Your thoughts and experience would be appreciated!

 

The back-story behind the break up for those who want to read on...

 

We fell in love fast and both thought we might be 'the one' for each other, but cracks started to appear after a month or so, which we managed to talk through. Nothing too big I thought and we still had good times. She initiated a break because she said we 'didn't gel' as well as some other couples, that I 'over analyzed the relationship' and that 'it was too much hard work'. I told her I thought this would mean a break up, but gave her the space and time she asked for.

 

I didn't agree with her reasoning as being valid at the time. Whilst we did have some differences I was willing to work through them because I loved her. Isn't that what being in a relationship is about? She seemed to choose to see barriers. Friends told me they thought we were really close and affectionate. I am an analytical person, but neither of us were giddy teenagers any more. I had been looking for work and the stress wouldn't have made it easier to be with me at times, but I hoped she would support me.

 

Anyway, after two weeks of this 'break', I phoned her to see how she was getting on, only to find that she had already decided to split up! If I hadn't have phoned, I don't know when I would have found out! . I thought this was very cowardly and disrespectful, I was so hurt and angry (although I wasn't abusive or rude). Afterwards, there were a thousand thoughts and questions, it was driving me mad. The pain was awful and I couldn't eat or sleep. But after a couple of days of this torture I realised that nothing I could say or do would change her mind and I would just have to come to terms with losing her. Without realising it, I had initiated No Contact in an attempt to move on.

 

Fast forward over two months and I am starting to feel more like old myself, the pain is slowly subsiding and I can start to think of the future again in a positive way.

[lovinhim]

If the pain is so great, and you are just getting over it, I would do the NC.

 

Seeing her is only going to bring it back...

I wish I could give more advice, but I don't know what else to say...

Maybe closure to it would do you good as well though. Meet her, get your stuff back and you will know the relationship is over.

Good luck

[Hopingpraying]

DeeBee,

 

I think you should reply, but keep it simple and non-emotional. If you truly do not want to get re-involved then definitely keep it breif. I have a feeling that the reason for her contacting you is she has seen that the grass is not as green as she once thought. The minor issues you describe are common in every relationship. Relationships are not easy no matter who the two people are. Its about communicating and making compromises.

NC does have an end point. It is when you are emotionally ready to talk to that person you have been unable to talk to without becoming upset or distraught. There is no reason why the two of you could not be just friends if the both of you are ready for that... So Contact is not a bad thing if the two of you want to talk to one another..

 

Where it goes from here is up to you.

[kali171]

She probably emailed you because she is having a hard time with being apart, just like you are. Keep it polite, keep it cordial, but keep it distant. You're obviously not ready for contact again and you need your space, so create it.

[deebee]

Thanks for your responses guys, I will reply with a brief, cordial message as suggested! Having thought about it last night, I don't think I am ready to meet or speak with her yet so I won't initiate any correspondence. I think NC should continue for a while until I feel 'emotionally ready' to talk or meet.

 

Hoping&praying - interesting to hear your views on the issues my ex raised in the break up. I thought they were minor too (some of them were really trivial, I didn't go in to the detail in the original post. If it wasn't so serious I would have laughed at the time!). I guess one of the things that hurt me most was that she wasn't prepared to invest or commit enough to overcome them. And that's why I think we wouldn't be able to get back together, because I have come to realise she thought about the relationship in a fundamentally different way to me. We are in our 30s and neither is perfect, yet I thought our bond was strong enough to resolve any issues together.

 

lovinhim - I hadn't thought about it, but meeting may help achieve closure. I don't feel ready for it yet though, maybe later!

 

Will let you know what happens...

[deebee]

I sent a brief but friendly reply to her on Wednesday evening. I did say that if she wanted to return my stuff to drop it on my doorstep or give it to charity as I hadn't missed it. Hope this gave the hint that I am not ready for further contact yet! And maybe not so depressed as she thought I might be? There has been no further response from her (it's now Friday evening) so I can't gauge her reaction to my reply or gain further insight in to her motivation for the initial contact.

 

But I feel OK about it. I wasn't angry, didn't play the victim, didn't appear weak and needy and even resisted the temptation to tell her that her ex (who lives close by) has a new girlfriend and car! In general I feel more positive and confident than I have for some time.

[kali171]

Good for you. You didn't cross any boundaries, which is hard, and you gave her a clear nonconfusing message. Congrats!

[deebee]

Cheers dude! Still no reply from her, so I don't know what she is thinking or how she is. I find I still miss her though, more so on the weekends. Can't help thinking my life was so much better with her in it Guess that will last until someone else comes along? Unless she comes back and says she has grown and changed the way she thinks Wishful thinking - you can't change how other people think and feel.

 

I felt I made a lot of the effort in the relationship; organising days out, cooking her great meals, thoughtful presents, coming up with things to do etc. I admit that I occasionally became distant from her, mainly caused by the stress and depression brought on by being out of work. I tend towards introspection and self-absorption when under stress, it's how I cope with it. But this makes others feel I am blocking them out. I also worried about our differences (in private), but came to terms with them as I realised we had a strong connection. But I felt like I was being judged or graded on my behaviour, with her backing off whenever she felt like I didn't care about her. Like she measured out her involvement with me in some way? I told her not to look for reasons for why we were different, as she could always find them. Look for reasons why we were compatible and enjoyed each other's company! I think that I no longer matched up to her image of an ideal partner any more, hence the falling out of love. Either that, or she found someone else?! She also wanted it to be like the intense first month we had when we fell in love so fast it scared us both.

 

The week before the break-up, she had been on holiday with 'some friends' for a long weekend (organised at a time when she thought I didn't care about her, but she only told me she was going some time later). When she came back, she was distant, physically and emotionally, and I knew something was seriously wrong. That's why I brought it up a week later as described in my original post.

 

I don't find it easy to find new partners though - this was only my second serious relationship. It's even harder for me than finding a good job and I'm finding that pretty tough. Having been made redundant twice in two years, I have only worked for nine months in that time. Now doing manual work locally for low pay (a third of the salary of my last 'proper' job!) until I get something better. I think any dating will have to wait until I am more secure with a new job. There's always speed dating...