4 year relationship ended... Not able to cope

[Aktrez]

Well, I guess I should start from the beginning. My boyfriend and I met online one night. He found my profile on AOL, and thought I was cute. So, he IM'ed me. We talked a few days online, then he called me. We hit it off right away, and decided to go out for lunch together the next day. Lunch turned into a walk on the beach.. which turned into a night out with his best friends. We saw each other EVERY DAY for a week!! It was perfect.

 

Fast forward 1 year. He still lives with his parents, I still live on my own. He tells me one night that he isn't sure if he wants to be in a relationship right now.. he feels upset because he misses the single life.. So, we separate. We don't talk for a week. Finally, one night, he IM's me and asks if I want to go to the mall. While there, he breaks down and tells me how much he has missed me and wants me back. He moves in with me a month later.

 

Fast Forward another year. We are now living together. He tells me out of the blue that he wants some space. That he isn't attracted to me anymore, but loves me as a friend. This lasts only 1 night. Then, as we lay in bed together, he tells me how he can't live without me!

 

Now, it has been 4 years. In January, I took a job in VA after living in NY with him for 3 years. He wasn't sure whether or not he was going to move down here with me. 2 months later, he told me that he missed me too much and moved in. Things have been wonderful! We went on trips, we seemed so great!.

 

Then, a month ago, he became quiet again.. so, I knew what was coming. Only this time... it was more serious. He told me that he loves me very very much.. but isn't IN love with me. He says that there has always been something missing between us, and that he just needs a break to find out what that is that is missing. Problem is... he is the #1 for me! I love him like I have never loved anyone before. And, living with him..s eeing him every day.. knowing he is out looking for someone else is tearing me up!

 

He told me last night that he forsees us getting back together.. but not for like, a year or so. Not until he has gone out to see what is out there and if he is missing anything. A year... living with him... and not being with him. I can't stop crying. Every night I come home and see him.. and bawl my eyes out.

 

We have the world in common and he is my best friend on earth. he is really all I have down here as well. He wants to continue to be my friend, but I don't know if I can just be friends with him since I am SOO in love with him.

 

Please... help me figure out how to get through this. I know he is the one for me.. and it's tearing me up!!

 

This is us... in May.

image removed

[avman]

Hello Aktrez and welcome!

 

I'm really sorry to hear about this. But this sounds like someone who just isn't able to commit. The whole "I need space so I can see if there is anything better out there" is a load of garbage. Do you really want to be his consolation prize that he comes back to after screwing around? No, of course you don't. You want to be his number one choice. And this guy just doesn't strike me as one to commit like that.

 

He's already broken up with you more or less 3 times. Thats really not good. He comes crawling back when he misses you, but ugh its not fair to let him keep putting you through this over and over just because he can't get his head screwed on straight and make a decent committment to you.

 

I'd give this guy a good dose of silence for awhile. Give YOURSELF some space this time and really take a look at what you want and what he's done to you. You deserve someone who's going to treat you like you are the best thing they've ever seen and who never wants to let you go. But its going to take awhile to convince yourself of that.

 

Take a look around the boards and read some of the no-contact posts by The Morrigan. We're here to help you though all this.

 

avman

[RayKay]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I can empathize, my ex split up with me not because he wanted to see what else is out there, but just because he is not ready to cope with forever yet (yeah, don't ask) and he can see being with me short term and long term - it was the middle he knew he would need a break! And he too is open to getting back together in a year or so - so I know how tough it can be, I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him NOW!

 

I feel bad for you though, since he has told you he wants to see what else is out there - and must be heartbreaking. I guess in that sense I am lucky as I know mine is not looking, he wants to have the single experiences of dating and so on, but he is definitely not looking for another relationship at all, and still tells me he cannot imagine finding anyone better than me or that he loves like me, or that can compete against all we have.

 

Now, it is very possible he just needs space and time - and you have to give him that, as much as it hurts, if it is meant to be, it WILL be. I know that provides small comfort if YOU know it is meant to be, and they don't yet! But just listen to your heart, okay? If you are strong enough to be friends with him, than do so, but if not, take some time apart in "no contact" until you are ready to see him without being upset about it. For me, my ex and I spend more time together than ever and hang out and have a great time - seems that since the "pressure" of a relationship is off (since he did not want one) things are even better between us in so many ways (we are even going on a trip at end of month!)...but I know that come fall when we are both busier it will mean easing off a bit, but that will be good because he NEEDS to figure out his feelings and he can't if I am there. I know they are there, but he is fearful of what it means. The opposite of love is fear, and as you move to one you leave the other a bit more - but fear can be a safe place for many - it is possible your ex just needs this time to figure out what he needs, wants and he needs to do some growing up. He might just need to feel the loss of you to see that what he really wants is to be with you...but if he does not, it would of happened eventually anyway.

 

Keep this in mind though - if it is meant to be, it will be, and that it is normal for him to have doubts because to be honest, forever is scary, and if he did not have doubts I would think he was not taking commitment seriously enough! You have to listen to your heart - what does it tell you? Does it tell you that you are meant to be, or not? Not what your mind tells you, or your emotions, but your heart.

 

Patience is my ally right now, and faith that he will return to me because of the bond we have - I cannot explain it, but it goes beyond anything I have ever know, even if we are apart, I feel connected to him. And I truly believe that this for us is a temporary space - whether it be months or a year (he is stubborn, so he will likely stick to the year) and it will be a long road. The idea of him with anyone else KILLS me inside, but I know it is same for him....but I have to let him come to these decisions on his own about his readiness to be with me. Some here will tell me I am giving myself false hope - but I disagree....there are some things that you have to trust in, and this is one of them. Sometimes you need a break/space to realize that this is what you truly want, you know? Your ex might find that himself.

 

For you, you have to decide if you can trust your heart too....you know him better than anyone here and you have to do what is right for you. You were together for four years, and I believe he must love you! (dont' hold too much with that "in love" thing...people often have a false idea of what that means or is...deep, true love, goes beyond that!)

 

Be very careful, as going by his past he might crawl back fast....but let him know you won't accept that...as hard as it will be, you have to tell him that you are only going through this again with him if he is READY and WILLING to work through these things, and not run! Don't be a doormat. I really feel for you though and if you want to PM me, please do.

[bleeder]

Hi Aktrez,

 

Your boyfriend might have an innate fear of commitment. He might not know it just yet though. I know it's hard when you seem to find the right person, only to find out that the time isn't right.

 

For now, think of yourself first. You are still young and attractive in my opinion. It's a good time to broaden your horizons and not just limit yourself to a relationship caught in a stalemate. The fact that he needed some timeout is a sure fire sign that he isn't sure about himself, not you. He is not certain about what he really wants in life and a relationship.

 

I am not putting him down, but just speaking from an honest perspective. A guy who loves a girl and is certain of her, definitely doesn't need any "so called breaks" from the relationship.

 

Be good to yourself and let it go if need be. Take care.

[Aktrez]

YES! RayKay, that's exactly the situation. It isn't that he wants a "relationship" He just wants to date and see what is out there. Not that he is looking for "miss Right". I am really only his second serious relationship. And he tells me that same thing that he can't imagine finding anyone better.

 

I am just having such a difficult time dealing with this because we live together, and every moment I see him makes me cry. I mean, last night.. I was bawling, and ended up just going downstairs and asking for a hug. I just needed it.. but, in some ways, it made it worse.

 

We live together... that's the main thing, and neither one of us can affrod moving out. So, we are stuck. I have no real friends here (being that I'm still new to the area) so, no way of just going out and having fun.

 

Anyone in the Northern VA area? ha ha. Anyway.. How to cope?

[RayKay]

Do you have any hobbies/interests where you could get involved in a group? You could try volunteering as well. I do know how you feel, most of my passions are very independent, so it can be hard to meet others, and those passions I can share (road and mtn cycling) are ones he does too, so we often see each other because of that!

 

And you are really going to need to change the living situation - how are you going to deal with it when you are at home while you know (or have a feeling) he is out on a date or something - no matter how casual it is? Take an extra PT job to help move out/pay - show your independence here. It will show him that you are able to move on, even if you do care for him. It will also show him you are respecting his decision (even if you don't like it!). Be the strong, confident girl that he fell for. I have seen people try the stay living together thing after breaking up before, and it does NOT work well.

 

It does sound like fears of commitment, and it is HIM, not you. I am in the same boat. He just does not know himself yet, or is very insecure about himself - both my ex and yours are probably like that! If he grows up and realizes what he wants is you, he will come back ready and dedicated. If he does not, it is HIS loss and he will have this problem come up in all future relationships until he figures it out. My ex has already figured out it IS him, and not me in the least, but since he is stubborn, he has to stick to is word, and it has to be HIS decision, not me forcing him! And he still needs to finish growing up - I don't want him back until I know it is for good (or that he wants it to be for good!).

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi aktrez. I just want to say that you are a beautiful, beautiful young woman. You look like a true sweetheart, someone who is passionate, loving and caring. My dear, I am old-fashioned at heart, and I always say that the man is the one to pursue, the one to woo you, the one to pledge his whole life to you--because he cherishes the love you give him. And you have given this young man all of your heart, no doubt about it! Any man on earth would be absolutely thrilled, honoured, and grateful that you are in his life.

 

I make no judgements on others, sweet, but a man must pick himself up by the bootstraps, be accountable to you, the woman who is devoted to him, and ask you to marry him. I believe in that kind of committment--and after four years, it's time for him to stop being wishy-washy, stop tumbling your emotions around, and hand over his heart and soul to you. How could he not? You look like a one-in-a-million, dear, dear, true find!! Honeycakes, he is not NOT giving you the same devotion and comittment you re giving him. Sorry, but moving in with you is not as permanent as marriage---moving in always gives the guy the backdoor, ever there, ever lurking just in case he doesn't "feel" like being in the relationship anymore. This kind of arrangement is not fair to women at all--but we have convinced ourselves that this means committment---but what happens? Four years, and BAM--he says he "needs space."

 

I realize this happens in marriage too---but the deeper level of committment in a marriage starts here: when the guy takes the honour to actually propose, and go through a milestone ceremony with you----Marriage, when you get down to the brass tacks, legally requires you to be there for each other--hopefully, spiritually, too.

 

The guy you are with is of this modern idea that he can get all the benefits of marriage--without all the "hassles" of permanancy---Where does this leave you when he feels like he "wants space?" Crying and hurting, and rightfully so. Moving in is complicated because it's meaning isn't as universal and clear cut as marriage---moving in together can mean so many different things for different people----For you, obviously, it means forever, a step toward marriage. But for so many men, it means "for now." And this is how your boyfriend is treating this.

 

I just finished a very eye-opening book called "Why There Are No Good Men Left." The title sounds like a bashing on men, but it really isn't--It is actually about how our generation of women have had to deal with a falling away from traditional courtship rules and timetables---Our culture has fallen away from providing us with these timeless guidelines to our hearts--Chivalry is nearly faded away--Everyone has differing ideas about what a relatinship is---In a sense, we have more independence to define our love lives--but, for everything we gain, there is always a loss--The loss of this generation---is that nostalgiac tried and true way of connecting--When men and women fell in love, dated, and took the responsibility of making the union permanent--most often with the traditional ceremony of a wedding=---

 

Not only are weddings a symbol of our committment, but they are a right of initiation that has seemed to have lost its importance in this culture-----A marriage is also a moment where your love is witnessed and sanctioned by everyone around you--so not only do you pledge devotion to your spouse, but everyone else around you supports and nurtures that union---

 

When a guy cannot make this kind of pledge, you and he are somewhat in a realm of your own--Your relationship is defined, but not firmly, not like a full committed marriage would be----'

 

Maybe I am off the subject a bit, and I am not trying to push my views on anyone=-----It's just that I have seen so many people hurting and broken up after years and years of togetherness---And I wonder why these men are not honouring and cherishing their lovers by joyfully and willingly giving their lives to them. So many women and men are hurting over these break-ups which I find are more like divorces because of all the time that was lovingly poured into the relationships--------

 

Your boyfriend is always leaving that backdoor open--We cannot relax in this kind of state--It isn't fair that we let this happen. No--the soul wants devotion--the soul wants permanent. This is what love demands. It is not an unfair demand.

 

I am very sorry that this man cannot give you what you deserve--That is totally his loss. It's unfair on a deep soul level that this happens to loving, committed people--It's time, I think, for us women to not be afraid to expect these guys to be men, and be accountable to us--and by this, I mean make a firm committment--not "maybe" or "someday" or "let's see" NO! Finding out is what courtship is about, and four years is plenty of time to know by now if someone is right for you!!!! There is no excuse for his beahviour other than weak ambivalence--which is an insult to you, a marevelous beauty of heart and soul----

 

Damnit, it's time to not let these guys do this It's time that people are courageous---COURAGEOUS-- Accountable----Honourable-----The time is now---

 

By the way, I urge everyone to read the book I mentioned in this post----It is fabulous---Thought-provoking, a strikes a chord in the hearts of all of us who know that our love--should rightyfully, rightfully, be rewarded with a lifetime of devotion and care-----This is what love is---An action, a priviledge, a joy to forever behold---Time to bring back the old ideas of romance and chivalry--Yes, that's right. And I don't mean squish us down as women--No, I mean lift us up and esteem us and do us right---Bercause more than ever we are strong, intelligent, and endlessly mysterious-----

 

There is something awry when somone as sweet as you is hurting so much---It is not you, dear---It is this committment=phobe world we are in---The heart of a woman will never buy into what's been made of this world--No---and that is why this hurts.

 

There are still men out there who would not do this----Yes, they exist, they do. Too bad for your boyfriend who cannot get it together and see what a gift he has been given. Tough for him when he realises what a fool he was---

[Aktrez]

THe issue is the fact that I can't really afford to move out. Things are REALLY tough financially and I just don't have the money to move.. nor does he. So, how are we suppose to get through this if we live together?? You all have some great ideas.. and I know that he's nuts and all.. but, I haven't yet heard how to cope.

[AB38]

Aktrez:

 

I read your post and think, wow, what an incredibly difficult position you must be in. I think first off, you need to protect yourself. One of you has to move. Borrow the money if you can.

 

In the mean time, try to stay away from the apartment. Go stay with friends. If you two have to be together under the same roof, don't let him see you crying. Easy said than done, I know, but you must find a way to pull yourself together when you are around him.

 

You also need to show him that you will not stand for this. Be strong. He also needs to understand that it is not always greener on the other side.

 

You two have a very good chance at getting back together, but not if you continue to live with each other. You both need some alone time to sort things out, maybe for him to miss you a bit.

[Aktrez]

I agree with you. I do need to get away. Borrowing money won't work.. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and no one around me has the money to borrow. I too think I just need some time on my own.. I have been crying every time I see him. He recently changed his look a bit.. new hair color and such.. and looks SOOO damn cute!

 

Also, it's difficult... I don't mean to get so personal.. but, I recently started a new birth Control pill and it gives me a sex drive like I have NEVER had before!!! Now, I have htis.. and I can't do anything about it! It's driving me insane!

 

I don't have friends here.. he is my only friend.. and not sure how to really make them down here. That's the toughest part of all.

[EatZ]

This sure has been a heart-wrenching thread to read. I'm still teary eye'd even now!

 

There's not much I can say, other than to say we're all here for you when you need us Aktrez. Keep posting. Ranting, venting, spilling. Be as graphic as you want.

 

I personally am a bit afraid to offer advice since I have absolutely no means of comparing my experience to your situation. The sum-total of my relationship experience amounts to 7 months with 1 girl, so...

 

Given what the other posters have said though, time apart does seem like the best thing. First and foremost, so you're unaware of what he's doing and when he's doing it. Seeing his cute new looks or the new people he hangs out with will only make you sink further and further each time. Second of all, so you can give him the space he needs to truly miss you...

 

... But, seeing as this is impossible right now (moving out that is), the best you can do is to remove yourself from him whenever possible. Force yourself out to see movies, take up a hobby of some sort, etc. Put on a strong visade whenever possible, even though you'll be crying (and weeping and bawling your eyes out) on the inside.

 

I'm incredibly sorry to hear you're going through this Aktrez. The thing that set it off for me was the photo you included in your initial post.

 

... argh, there I go again! *wells up*

 

You look like such a happy couple, and thankfully -- at least from where I'm sitting -- it seems that there's hope that you will be again. I have no doubts that there's still a chance.

 

Be strong Aktrez. We're here for you.

[Aktrez]

Thank you so much EatZ. Now you got ME going!!! ha ha

 

It is the most difficult situation I have ever had to face. I'm trying to remove myself from it as much as possible.. but, I have very little money, so, going out all the time is tough. I find myself home on my computer every night.. and worried when he doesn't come home at his normal hour. I even had him change his E-mail password because I was so afraid I was going to go and check it. He bought a book the other night.. called "Dateable: Are you? Are they?" I almost got sick when I saw that. I was so upset.

 

I wish there was some way I could move out. I just don't see a shimmer of hope right now. I broke down last night and asked for a hug.... I needed some kind of contact.. the NO CONTACT rule broke for me.. and he hugged me so tight.. I thought I was going to melt away....

 

But, we sat down after and he told me it wasn't fair for him to be with me right now.. and that he would most likely take a year before he could see being with me again... a Year is a VERY long time for someone like me to hear. But, I know that he does think it's possible.

 

Time heals all.. but, this time.. just seems forever endless......

 

Here is another picture... Again, does this look like someone who doesn't know if they love me!? This is from a pageant I did this past summer.

 

 

image removedimage removed

[EatZ]

Do whatever you have to Aktrez. Being on the computer every night isn't bad at all really. It's what I did!

 

As for worrying about him, that isn't something you're going to be able to stop yourself from doing. Don't expect yourself to either. Just like you shouldn't expect yourself to get over your pain in a set timeframe, or be a martyr about the whole situation. Wade through your thoughts, feelings and emotions in your own time and in your own way. Your mind will eventually stop racing at a million miles an hour. It'll take some time, but the pain will eventually let up. I'm telling you this from my own experience!

 

What can you do if you can't go out all the time? For me personally, I threw myself into these forums all day every day for about two weeks after my break up. Reading posts from people in all different stages of the healing process helped give me perspective. It gave me a heads-up on what to expect from myself emotionally in the coming weeks, and it also gave me comfort know that there were other people out there as miserable as I was, as awful as that sounds!

 

About four weeks after the break-up I started to read books again; something I hadn't done since high school. I tried to make it a healthy mix of books too. I bought one self-help book on the six stages of grief and loss, as well as some quirky novels and a thriller or two. Books have probably been the saviour for me. Especially in the wee hours of the night when sleep is near-on impossible. If you have a library membership, use it!

 

After that, things I did to preoccupy myself included playing pool with friends and going to (or renting) movies. Albeit costly if you kept it up, but for me, I no longer had a girlfriend to spend my money on. I guess that's where I was lucky...

 

Six weeks after the break-up I took up astronomy as a hobby. There's an observatory all of 2 minutes drive from where I live, so I went there for one of their 50 minute shows. Cost me next to nothing too! Anything else I needed to know I could find on the internet which was EXCELLENT. A very cheap hobby indeed. I can probably identify all of 8 or 9 constellations in the night sky now, and can name all the stars that make each constellation. I've even made an effort to learn a little history behind each of the constellations I've learnt, so I'm very proud of myself.

 

You'll find there's a lot of things to do to preoccupy yourself, it's all about personal taste. I also want to take up dancing and drawing some day, but for now I've got more than enough to preoccupy myself.

 

The key right now is to not get so far gone that you shut down completely and cease to function. Do you have a day job? (Actress perhaps? Being that your name is Aktrez and all). I'm sure you'd love to be able to distance yourself from these feelings while you work, so if you're having trouble let me know and I'll tell you what I did... Talking about your feelings with friends and family would be a great step towards healing yourself and getting back some focus in your life. In fact, I highly recommend it.

 

Don't forget we're always here. Keep posting Aktrez!

 

*hug*

 

P.S. WOW! I had no idea I was giving advice to a celebrity! Miss New York City, my god!

[das420]

Keep your Head Up girl. You are a very pretty woman, and I am sorry to hear about your situation. i have also been hit with the "space, time, find out if I'm missing something" lines from a girl I dated for 2 1/2 years and lived with for almost 1 year. After the inital bomb in April we tryed to stay living together (lease runs ot at the end of July), but it was too hard for me and I was making her uncomfortable with all of my "Why Me","Why now" questions. I will say that I did my share of crying too, so don't feel bad. Change things about yourself to, but don't tell him. Start dressing sexy, change things, let him realize you can improve yourself WITHOUT him.

 

I think you should try to get out as much as possible, this might mean driving around to clear your mind, going for a walk, etc. Try to get away any way you can. I feel bad for you because you are in a new place. Perhaps you could contact your old friends and yur family. You are always welcome here as well. Don't get stuck on photos or mementos, I did and the pain was unbearable. Give him space, but if he's fooling around (hope he's not) I wouldn't stand for it. If he comes rushing back too soon, I wouldn't allow it. One thing that appears to be working for me is to make yourself LOOK busy and remotely happy (eventhough you are hurting inside). I am in no way a relationship guru, just giving my 2 cents on your situation that sounds similar to mine, especially becasue we were the dumpees

[Aktrez]

No, I know he's not messing around. He is interested in seeing what else is out there, but has said that he will probably only compare that person to me. He just doesn't know if he wants to be with me forever. That's how he feels right now anyway.

[Aktrez]

Anyone on here have AIM, or another form of Instant Messenger? I'm always online... And could always use someone to talk to. Some of these nights are worse than others!

[Aktrez]

Well, I'm trying to just ignore Matt the best I can. It's so hard because he so wants to just chat like we always do and such. He so wants to be my friend, but I just can't be right now. I told him I was looking for an apartment today and he got quiet. I also told him that my psycholigist thought that it would be better if I moved out. He said "do you agree" and I said.. yes, I think so. He tells me how beautiful I look, and how he noticed I have lost weight (break ups are a GREAT diet btw.. lol.. lost about 6lbs in 2 weeks already!!)

 

So, I don't know WHAT is going through his head. I can't understand how someone can obviously have feelings, and care so deeply for another person, yet not want to be with them. It just boggles my mind.

 

I so want to be his friend.. and talk like always.. I mean.. he is my BEST friend. But, at the same time, it hurts me so much to do this. I wrote a letter to him last night, saying that I really DIDN"T want to move out, but him telling me a year was the kicker. I ended up deleting and unsending it. I'm not sure what to do right now... how to act... what to say to him. I don't know what will work the best for me... and us....

 

For those of you who gave me your Instant Messenger info via PM's, my trillian is acting a little funky lately, so, you may have to send me a tell before I see you online. Or add me to your buddy list. Just so you know. I would love to chat. It's always nice to have the ear of someone who understands what you're going through.

[caveat]

What is with these people who think they can just put your life on hold and then pick up where they left off if and when it suits them? Just breaking it off and saying goodbye would be so much kinder and unselfish.

 

I can relate to your situation a bit...my ex gave me the 'I want a break, I need to be independent, I'm confused' talk about 4 months ago. I knew I wouldn't be able to continue talking to her while she was cycling through this so immediately cut off ALL contact. 6 years of talking and seeing one another numerous times every day reduced to zero in the span of one week. Let me tell you, its not easy. It hurts every damn day, but the good news is that the pain subsides little by little.

 

You need to cut this guy off from all communication somehow and move forward. He has not had to face the reality of you exiting his life and believe me and I can guarantee you when he does it will be more than what he was bargaining for.

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey Aktrez, I just read through all the posts. I guess I do have one question. So far, everything has been about you moving out. I guess I'm wondering why he can't move out. After all, he's the one who moved in with you. And he's the one who wants to have all these changes in his life. And if he can afford to go on dates, can't he afford to have his own place?

 

I don't know. It's only a suggestion.

 

I hope tonight has been better than last night.

[Aktrez]

Not too great of a night really. Matt climbed into our bed at 2am because he couldn't get to sleep downstairs. So, I've been tossing and turning since then really.

 

We had a long talk last night. I only cried a few times.. mainly thinking about how much my cats are going to miss him. They stayed with him in NY for the 2 months when we were apart before (after I moved down here for the job). So, they really love Matt. Of course, so do I, so, I think it's going to be equally hard on all of us.

 

Also, I kinda want to be the one to move out.. only because, being in this house will bring too many bad memories. You know? I sorta want a fresh slate to start from. If he can't love me.. then I need to move on and forget him. I can't do that here.

 

His words were "I need to be single for a while Beck.. not just 2 or 3 weeks. It's a shame I have to lose you as a friend to do that. I have always seen you more as a best friend.. and that's what I'm going to miss". My words... "You should have thought of that 4 years ago"

 

What I don't get is, isn't the basis of any perfect relationship a strong, undying friendship? And isn't the one thing that makes it more than a friendship a sexual attraction to that person? I mean... because I know he is attracted to me. That hasn't changed... and I know that we are best friends.. so.. what's the trouble here!?

[a_little_sparrow]

Yeah, I can understand the ghosts part. When I was having to leave my exex's house, I kind of idealized her position of not having to do anything to get me away from her life. I was the one having to go out and find an apartment. I was the one having to pack all my stuff and then do my best to settle in a new place.

 

I'll say this for finding a new place though. It's great when you get to the point that you can look around you and say, "All of this is mine. This is MY house not anyone else's." It happened in stages for me, but with each stage I enjoyed that feeling of independence. It showed all of my better qualities to myself--which of course is something we all need after a breakup.

 

And part of it is trying to understand how someone can go from lovey-dovey to I want to be good friends with you. I told my ex we were lovey-dovey because we were good friends, and I can't separate the two. And, yes, there are going to be times in a relationship where it isn't as intense as you wish it would be, but you stick around, because you love this person and you know that the intensity will come back at some point. Part of love is knowing this person well enough to know that you'll always be surprised by something they do, and that something is what will make you fall in love with them all over again.

 

But sometimes, I guess, things don't happen the way we want them to. What I'm having to learn now is that you stick around and you find a way to talk about it with the other person. That part where you described your ex-b/f getting all quiet, and you knew what was coming. That's me. And what this breakup is teaching me is that I need to be more honest in my next relationship, and not inexplicably get all quiet and distant. Because that silence seems to show that I don't care about the relationship.

 

But Aktrez, it sounds like you've made the very strong statement that you can't really be friends with Matt right now. And you should be happy that you were able to say that. It's such a temptation to be friends right after the breakup, just so you can still have that person around. But having him around is only going to remind you of what you had. This pain is slow work. Slow, slow work.

 

But it does feel good to get out there and work out. Those endorphines are life savers. Plus you can be around people. It's really cheap to put on a pair of running shoes and go to the local park for a run. Just having other people around you can be comforting. And I think Raykay's advice is really great: you could get involved with some local hobby group. Or volunteer for a good cause. I was going to church before my breakup, but I started going more often, and that helps me a lot.

[Aktrez]

Thanks Sparrow for your advice. I guess I just can't understand how someone who is attracted to you.. and you and they share everything in common, can not love you!! I still, deep down, feel that he will realize this some day.

 

Although, I still don't know what to do about my cats. I want to bring them along with me.. they are mine.. and are such good supports.. but, at the same time, I have an offer to stay with a friend for as long as I need... on a month to month basis... but, I can't bring my babies.

 

Matt offered to keep them at the house for me, but that's going to be so hard! I mean, my cats are like my kids!!!!

[a_little_sparrow]

Perhaps you should look at moving in with your friend as a temporary solution. You could stay there, and then be looking for someplace else--a place that will let you bring your cats along. I know it will be hard to leave them behind for any amount of time. But your first priority should be getting out of that house.

 

And, yes, I think one of the things that brings so many of us to these boards is this belief that there was something very special we shared with our ex. I still love my ex very much, and I wish I could understand what triggered this need for her to walk away from our relationship. But her life is out of my hands. Whatever will be will be, and all I can do is try to make myself better.

[street]

ive been reading this post and i really feel for u..i had all this from my girlfriend, i still love un find u attractive but don't want to be with u as i feel were just friends!!! hello isn't that enough to be with someone!!!

 

they don't know there own mind but i guess there must be something that doesn't feel right and they don't know what it is..

 

u living with him still is a tough situation, i would move out and cease contact, he will be back begging, trouble is u might not want him back..

 

take good care of urself we will get through this!!

[Aktrez]

So, I think what I"m going to do is move in with my friend for a little while and have another friend watch my cats. I don't want to leave them in the house with matt because A) I don't think he'll take care of them... and B) That means I would have to go to the house to see them. There goes the NC rule!

 

Luckily I don't have that much furniture to take... as the bed and dresser are all his. I"ll just get a few of those plastic drawers to use as a dresser for now.

 

The good thing about this place is that it is a month to month thing.. thereforeeee, if things work out with us, I can always move out and back in with him in no time. He plans on staying at the house and getting 1 or 2 new roomates to share it with. I actually want to find out if some of my friends want to move in there.. at least I will know he's being taken care of!

 

And, my cats can stay there.. but, we'll have to see.

 

What do you guys think?