Accepting a parent?

[im rly mad]

I've always had a pretty bad attitude towards my dad. He's never abused me or anything, but he always has to be right, and it gets really annoying. In general he is just really annoying, he talks sooo much and does not understand that people want the conversation to end, even when they give obvious hints. I can always tell when we go out to places that the people he has to talk to are annoyed or creeped out by him. He's really weird and creepy, and he says things that aren't funny at all that he thinks are funny and then laughs. He doesn't pay attention to where he is going and he's very clumsy. He's lazy and does really annoying things. He basically embarrasses the hell out of me in any situation if I am with him. The fact that he is my dad is super embarrassing.

 

I know a lot of you consider these things to be pretty minor, and I'm sure this makes me seem like a kid who doesn't appreciate the fact that I even have a dad, but honestly I don't like him at all. I'm sure once he's dead I'll miss him, but I don't think I'll be able to be thankful for him until that point. I literally cannot talk to him without getting really angry just for who he is.

 

Something that may have to do with it too is that I have picked up some of his habits and I kind of look like him. I kind of remind people of him and that is the worst thing of all.

 

I don't know how to change my feelings towards him. Being told that I'm lucky I have a dad doesn't do anything for me. I have friends who don't have dads and I'm kind of jealous actually, especially because of how well they turned out.

 

I guess if I can't even accept myself it will be hard to accept anybody else, but does anybody know what I can do to relieve some of this tension I have held against him?

 

I hate myself for being like this, I'm 19 and I feel like all my friends are totally accepting of their parents, but I just have a huge built-up grudge against him.

[Celadon]

I know what you mean. It's really hard to have a dad who you aren't proud of in some way.

 

Is there ANYTHING that you respect him for? Or is there any way you could have compassion on him? One thing that's helped me over the years with my dad is just trying to treat him kindly -- he has changed a bit as a result.

 

One thing to keep in mind: You are not responsible for him. He's his own person. Sometimes we subconsciously think we need to apologize for our relatives, but I think it's more important to recognize that each person is responsible for him or herself.

 

Perhaps you could talk to a counselor in order to get over the worst of your thoughts about him, then after that, start developing an adult-to-adult relationship with him. Use humor, try to establish some common ground. It's easier to say than do, but the alternative of continuing to have bitter feelings towards him is not a good alternative at all.

[Cagedfeelings]

Sorry you're going through this...actually I went through a phase like this too with my parents and thought the exact same thing about missing them when they're dead but when I moved out several times, my relationship got better with them especially when I was kicked out several times by my own brother and other room mates and had to be an adult, find a job etc. (Hopefully you don't have to go threw the same thing as me though, getting kicked out LOL).

 

Yes, your dad may not change but you could try actually talking to him without being angry. Perhaps you can say to him the next time he does something embarrassing, "You know, Dad, I'm saying this with love but what you [insert words or actions here] made me feel uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do it next time, okay?"

 

And I know this is hard, but try to look at him from a place of love. Really. That's who he is and maybe he doesn't know that he's being annoying to you and thinks you're just having fun together?! And don't take it personally when he says something that may come off as condescending.

 

I did just take it whenever my parents did something annoying or gave really long lectures and when I look back on it now, they were doing it from a place of love. I mean, why bother to scold someone for something if you don't care about them and want them to learn from the mistake right? And the last time my parents actually lectured me (which was several months ago) was to really tell me that they're worried. And maybe the way your dad is communicating with you is the only way he knows?

 

As for being right all the time, that is a tricky one. Even if he is wrong, just grin and bear with it, knowing that you're the one who is right and let him think what he wants. Ultimately, you're the one who is really in charge of making decisions for yourself and he is there help guide you along.

 

You could also try reading some self-help books. It works for me...but of course you don't have to take that suggestion.