Not sure I love my husband, pretty sure he doesn't love me..

[sue]

Thanks for this forum...

 

I will keep my story as short as possible without excluding too much detail. I have been married for 7 years. We have 2 children, 4 and 1. I am not sure that I was ever truly wanting to get married, but I did and we have had an "ok" relationship. Some good laughs, some good fights, nothing violent or ugly. We both love our children very much and he is a good father and a good person. He has his faults, as do I, and I don't want to be a husband basher, but here is my problem:

 

I really like him as a person, but I don't think I love him. And I don't think he loves me, either. Not really. I think he feels the exact same way I do, love, but not "in love". He can be an extremely selfish person - whether it is materialistically, or just in general. It seems that everyone's needs fall behind his and he will pout if he does not get his way. He sends me mixed signals physically -- he will tell me that I am sexy and beautiful, but we are rarely intimate (once a month, maybe twice a month -- we have gone stretches of 4 and 5 months before). But he gets angry if I don't feel like cuddling him or hugging all over him. He told me that pregnant women are soooo sexy - but would not have sex with me the whole time that I was pregnant (he said he was scared to hurt the baby). The sex is good, although infrequent. Maybe it's good because I am so damn grateful! The other reason why I think that he is unhappy is because he is in such a bad mood all the time, and complains constantly.

 

I have glossed over my feelings for 6 years. I just took it as a part of marriage, and had resolved myself to the "this is as good as it gets" mentality.

 

My counselor says that a person who is very negative likely has something else going on, and that our sex life is definetly not healthy. I know maybe I shouldn't have had children if I wasn't sure -- but I was young, and just thought it would all work out. Now I am 28 and can't bear the thought of living my life this way forever. It sucks because we really do get along very well, there is just no chemistry or spark between us. Do you leave something that is "tolerable" for the idea of something better? I don't want to hurt him or my kids for some fleeting emotion....

 

Any insight is appreciated.

 

ps. There is no infidelity now, or ever on either part.... and I am going to counseling to try to figure out if this is in my head or in my heart. I believe I can fix what is in my head. He has refused to go to counseling in the past and I have not asked him to go this time.

[mahlina]

Hi Sue,

 

I think that it's best to stay. Find the little things that brought you guys to love in the first place. Rekindle your romance. Perhaps being busy with the children has not helped on leaving time for the two of you to really 'bond.'

 

I think that it's important to continually keep the flame burning, especially if marriage is involved. No matter what, it's important to remember all of those vows that you guys said to each other, on the day of your wedding. Marriage is something that we should look forward to, something that we cherish.

 

I think that your marriage is still salvageable. Perhaps your husband can learn how to effectively communicate. Meaning, just because things don't always go his way, he should learn to accept the fact that lots of things don't go our way in life. He should put your marriage and children first, before getting heated up for something that he doesn't get. That's just a part of parenting and being a husband: taking on that responsibility that your life is meant for others as well. That's why prior to marriage, it's important to realize that marriage is about 'building' a life together. Meaning, both partners have been through enough, in the relationship, and faced enough challenges in life to really know that: "this is it, this is the person who I chose to commit to. Someone who will join me along the journey of life. Regardless of what happens, we're a union, and must stick through with each other through: thick & thin."

 

I see that you're putting enough effort, by seeking counseling. I'm glad that you're trying to salvage the marriage. He should at least put in some effort, by first of all, getting rid of that mentality of "My way or no way." That's unhealthy for any kind of relationship, because relationships are 2-way street. If he's not acknowledging that, then he really needs to go through some mental training, boot-camp, or something. LoL. J/K! However, I'm serious, he needs to find it within himself to grow as a person. That's what life's about, growing as an individual. Enduring personal growth through life's challenges. Life's not stagnant. So he has to realize that he needs to put in the 'same' kind of effort, by actually wanting the 'fix' the relationship. Maybe through counseling, maybe not.

 

I think that it's important to keep the passion alive. Go out on dates again. Get a makeover for yourself. Buy a sexy outfit, and let him woo you again. That's another thing about romances, when people are comfortable enough, they tend to forget that the little things count as well. The little effort to court your partner is just as important in a marriage, just as it is, when dating. Sometimes sponteneity helps. If I were to get married, that's what I need in a marriage, sponteneity, doing 'fun' things to keep the romance alive. Besides, marriage is something 'cherished.' So, I'm glad that you're still on the verge of trying to make it work out. Try to hang in there. Let him know that you want things to work out. Perhaps you guys can set up a date, do something fun and romantic.

 

Whatever you do, try to keep the flame alive. I think that regardless of what happens, try to communicate with him. Some people are stubborn, but somehow coax him to let that mentality down, so that the both of you can better communicate with each other. Communication is key. I see that you're trying. So hats off to you. Good luck to your marriage. Try to envision to 'back in the days' feelings, so that you guys can both find that 'spark' again. Best of LucK to you! Take care. Mahlina

[Scout]

One way to find out his level of commitment is if he will agree to go to counseling. Tell him you really need him to. Sounds like this is a crucial turning point in your marriage, and he needs to be aware of the thoughts that are going through your mind. Even the most passionate partners go through periods where the spark seems to have gone out - it sounds like you two have a strong basis of friendship and respect, a lot of marriages can't say the same. I would really give it a shot if I were you. But that's just judged on what you wrote in your post, there may be a lot more to this. Ultimately, this is a decision you will have to make, along with your husband. Hopefully, you'll put a lot of effort into this decision because children are involved. Best of luck, and keep us posted.

[Sexychiick16]

Hey im sorry about ur relationship...Marrige and having a kid on the way can indeed be stressful..i saw what my mom and step dad went through...

 

I had recently had my friends mom n dad gone through the same thing..ur husband should be really really nice to right now suring ur pregnacy....he shouldnt be demanding for affection while u are pregnant ...yall have those out of order...U should be the one gettin al the affection u want n he should be listening to u..the the other way around..

 

Ide sujest having a talk with him or something...i myself am only 16 so i cANt give to much advice on this..good luck with ur new baby

[sue]

Thanks for all the good insight. I have asked him to go to counseling on one two other occasions -- he refused. I know every couple goes through "down" periods....but is it normal to have a 6 year down period? I don't even count our first year of marriage because it was a learning phase. Here are some other things going on.....you tell me your opinion.

 

1) I told him that I was going to counseling because I wasn't happy -- he asked how much it would cost. He has only mentioned it in passing since.

 

2) Last night, he was making another one of his comments about something not being in it's right place -- I told him that I was sick of his constant complaints (he had been in the house a whole 2 minutes). He laughed it off and only apologized because he had a friend over.

 

3) I called him today to talk -- just stressed out about stuff. Instead of listening to me, he started talking about all the things he had going on and how stressed out HE was. I never even finished a sentence.

 

This is just in the past 2 weeks! Imagine 6 years of being on the back burner! It sucks!

 

I have never felt butterflies in my stomach for him. I go out of town on business and don't really miss him at all. I miss my kids, but not him.

 

So --- is this as good as it gets and I just need to accept it? I know no marriage is perfect, but I think I deserve to be treated better.

[pheenom]

Wow. That could have been me, only it has been almost 13 years at this point. Same thing. Exactly.

 

My husband went through a pretty bad bout with mental illness, it's been up and down for about the last 6 years. Near the beginning of that I was planning to leave (had the stuff moved out) but he begged me to stay and go to counselling. He had only just begun taking medication and really seemed stunned I was leaving.

 

Several years later, I'll admit I'm sick of the ups and downs, on meds off meds, but I'm still here because he's a good guy, we love our kids. In fact, the fights we have are never about how to raise them, and we seem to be a fully capable parenting partnership.

 

Sex happens once in a blue moon; he just doesn't seem interested. I'm not big on initiating sex because I know (or assume based on his behaviour) he is not attracted to me and I just feel stupid given that fact. When we do have sex it is good, but there is no emotional connection whatsoever -- we never kiss for example. And gazing into each others' eyes??? Yeah, right!

 

We agree we've had some rough spots and he claims to want to rebuild this disaster, but he seems to have virtually no feelings for me whatsoever, and never responds to any of my concerns for our future. He's happy just the way things are -- however, I'd bet if someone gave him reason to, he'd leave me in a shot, no regrets!

 

It is stressful feeling so insecure. We have friends who've had BIG marital problems, but the love is still there. No, it isn't romantic weak-kneed infatuation, but the kind of enduring love that seems to transcend those annoying little habits that get you down. We do not have that. I cannot see how to 'create' that.

 

I'm starting university and once I get that degree, I guess I'll be in a better position to say, look pal, something's gotta give. I find it hard to believe he'd be anything but relieved. Neither of us would want to hurt our kids, so ... maybe we can work something out. But lovelessness, forever? I'm only 34! I'd rather be alone, because 1+1 is the lonliest number.

 

*sigh* I wouldn't call myself needy. He basically cured me of that. I mean, he never provides any love or care, so I figured out how to self-comfort. Now, I don't need him, but when things are going well, I start thinking of our future together and I don't know what I see. If I make the commitment to stay with him because of the kids, then, damnit, he better love me for it!

 

Ah, well, who said life was fair ;-)

[k8]

I'm afraid I've gotten myself into the same situation and desprately need to find a reason to stick it out. My husband is rarely happy. I have attributed his generally angry demeanor (60-70% of the time) to a job that he hates. However, I think I've known for some time now that it's not just the job. Here's the kicker: we've been married for all of 6 weeks today.

I knew when we got engaged that he was angry but I honestly thought I could help him come to terms with it and find a way to be happy. Now I'm figuring out that my efforts to 'help' do nothing more than to piss him off and make him defensive. It does not take long for him to go from frustrated to yelling, at which point I completely lose my temper. As you can imagine it all goes downhill from there. In order to avoid a full fledged blowout I have to leave the house. He will eventually apologize and MAY offer some half-assed attempt at addressing his issue with anger, but every time I think he's figured something out and may try to adopt even an iota of pleasantness, it happens again.

The root of the anger outburst is often an attempt by me to address our future. For instance, we talk about buying a house and I want nothing more in the world then a little house of my own. He knows this - I spend hours driving around our neighborhood looking at homes and dreaming about it. I make decent money (about 3 times what he makes) and we can afford it if we do a little budgeting. Although my husband is normally the one who deals with the bills, I didn't expect him to take the initiative to work out the numbers, so I took it upon myself to work them out. I try to show my husband and talk about how we can figure it out - I know better than to expect a compliment from him on the matter, but at least thought he'd look it over - make me think he actually gave a **** - but his response was literally to ignore the subject all together and literally toss it aside. He never looked at it and it ended up in the 'shred pile' via some mysterious means (yeah right). I was so hurt and am now realizing that's just another thing I'll have to do on my own, sans my 'partner'.

I have quickly learned to choose my battles and can easily avoid the arguing either by curbing my reaction to his surley and angry demeanor or by almost kissing his a*s, but I feel like I'm in this alone and cannot share my feelings with anyone. I do love my husband because on the rare occasion he's happy or genuinely nice to me, he's wonderful and I know that he needs my emotional support - he is very sensitive. I just don't really like him and wonder if I have made a huge mistake.

To make matters worse I feel as though I settled. I was madly in love once, with another man, and it sure as hell didn't feel like this. So far I hate being married.

I know I'm rambling but this is the first time I've ever posted anything anywhere. I'm losing my identity - I used to be very strong and very independent but all of a sudden I question everything I do and say and can feel myself slipping into an abusive relationship. I know I have to give it a year for my own sanity but is there any chance of this working? What can I do.

[Amandafaye2005]

I am happy to find women who feel the way I do. I don't discuss this with friends because they are all Navy wives like me and so devoted to their husbands. I don't want to feel like a husband basher either.

 

My issue is this. When I met my husband December 2002, I was quite sick of men. He had such an adorable smile and he seemed so sweet and caring. I didn't feel that spark with him at all, like I did with one other man from my past, Eric.

 

I figured that with Eric it was a freak accident. So I contiuned on with my husband, then boyfriend. He bought me flowers and so on. Soon after he decided to join the Navy. Not wanting to lose me he presented me a ring and I decided to marry him.

 

So here I am all the way accross the country with my husband. He is gone most of the time. But when he is here, all he does is lay on the couch and watch TV. He is not outgoing, social or sporty at all like me. I remember when I used to watch my home team in my home state when we were there and he would pout and go into the other room. When I suggest an outing he whines and says he's too tired. When I come onto him he says he's too tired. He is very affectionate but I cannot hold an intelectual conversation with him at all. Soon after my husband joined the Navy I ran into my ex Eric online. I gave in and gave him my phone number. We had the most amazing conversation. I got butterfly's that were unbelievable.

 

I have continued to talk with Eric. Every conversation more amazing than the last. When my husband is here he provides affection and nothing else. I feel so deprived when he is out to sea. His words consist of "huh" "yeah" "whatever" and " I dunno".

 

I have told my husband that I have been talking with Eric. Of course he got jealous. I told him what was bothering me and he promised more. But the problem is, it's not who he is. I feel bad for asking him to change. So mostly I've gone along.

 

I am so in love with Eric. I care for my husband. I know my husband deserves more than just being cared for. I don't want to break his heart.

 

Do I continue on this path? Knowing that it will never be what I truly want.

I am not sure of my chance with Eric. But do I give up this marriage for the chance of finding something more?

 

Should I stay?...................

[juz4storm]

Hey, I'm in the Navy and I can see both sides. It sounds like he wants to change and it might not be him right now but if a person really loves you then he can change himself. What do I think? You married him for a reason and maybe you should give him a chance. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't. You can't say you didn't give it a chance. And about Eric. If he's the one for you then you'll be with him. Things happen for a reason. And communication is the biggest thing. What I like to do is have a romantic dinner with my significant other at least once a month and talk about our relationship. How can we make it better, is there anything bothering you? For example, I used to smoke? My girlfriend told me she didn't like it. Can she change me? NO. But I can change myself.

[sue]

Wow! I hadn't checked this forum for the longest time and I was quite surprised that anyone had actually READ my post.

 

Well, here is an update:

 

I asked him to move out -- then I chickened, and asked him to stay...only if he would go to counseling with me. He agreed, but then started saying he couldn't go then and it would be better during such and such time etc. WELL, you can imagine..once again, put on the back burner...

 

So I ended it. Our divorce will be final in a couple of weeks and I feel like the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders! He complained at first and can still be very cold and mean, but for someone who begged and said he was happy and would change....he didn't grieve the relationship long. He has already moved in with a woman that he met 2 days after we split up!! I have met someone as well, but is a long distance kind of thing (which suits me just fine right now).

 

It feels good to be on my own and my kids are adjusting pretty well. The divorce is being handled between us, no attorneys, and I feel that it will be a good and equitable split.

 

So....I guess the point of the story is that I wish it could have worked, but it didn't. I am a better person on my own, and as long as my kids remain the center of my focus....thats the most important thing. If I live alone for the rest of my life, it was better than living with him!

[avman]

Hey its good to see things turned out well for you! I know the divorce process isn't pleasant but it sounds like it was a better solution than a lifetime of unhappiness.

 

Good luck with your new life

[Mun]

Sometimes divorce is the only option. Congratulations on having the courage to do what you know is right for you.

 

and...Good luck with your new man .

[mt]

Reading your letter made me cry. I am currently at many more years than you, and have a husband who is the same way. He has never chnaged, no matter how much we talked..not even with BOTH of us going for counseling. We rarely have sex. We are simply not normal. Yes, we can have the greatest laughs together sometimes. Other than that, there is not marriage. We have nothing. We almost got a divorce about 10 yrs ago, and resisted the temptation due to children. Now our lives are miserable, and there is so much misery it is impossible to keep from the children. They know it and it affects them. We should have accepted the obvious and ended it then. GET OUT NOW..the kids will be better off. He is a lost cause and you will never be happy. Like you said, you are not even missing him when he's gone. I know the feeling. I have admitted to myself that I am happier and more "me" when he's not around. I hate weekends.

[Precious]

Like you said, you are not even missing him when he's gone. I know the feeling. I have admitted to myself that I am happier and more "me" when he's not around. I hate weekends.

Those words could be mine, exactly. You don't know how often I have said them, especially "I hate weekends". *sigh*

[Jetta]

Wow Sue you're feelings are so much like mine, and to read that you ended it without attorney's! Wow. So glad to hear it went smoothly and your happier and the kids are doing well. Really gives me hope.