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Slept with someone for the first time since my break up!

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I really wasn't sure which forum to post this in, but I feel like this incident and repercussions have a lot to do with getting over my ex. I ended my relationship with my ex 4 months ago (he agreed to it though), and since then I had a very hard time moving on. I really missed the sex we had, and as I have a hearty libido this was really hard to deal with. I am weirdly picky with men to begin with, I rarely develop crushes like other women seem to, focusing more on chemistry which can be elusive. Since my break-up I've had more men interested in me than ever before (could be the newish blonde hair or my detachment), but so far very few have roused anything in me. I actually went on backpacking in Europe for a month and met a ton of men. One Aussie who pursued me rigorously (changed his plans to meet me in Vienna) I ended up making out with and started to cry! I was very worried after that because he was like my dream guy in some ways and yet I could barely fool around with him because of my ex. I've been dating and going out but nobody interested me the same way.


Finally I met this guy while out with my friend at (gulp) a bar... I know I know! I love to go out, but usually the only thing I want from men at a bar or club is some good old fashioned flirting. Well, he asked for my number and didn't call me. Then a week or so later I ran into him (at another bar!), and he initiated a conversation I was a bit cold at first but he kept coming back to me. We had amazing banter, I was heavily attracted to him, and we had lots in common. More in common than I did with my ex. He and his friends really seemed to like me, kept calling me smart and pretty, they were very respectful. Anyway he ended up coming home with me, and I was just so pumped up with sexual frustration and giddiness at finally finding someone I wanted that in the end with some persuasion I slept with him. I definitely let him know how it had been for me and that I considered him exceptional (since I've actually slept with very few men). I'm afraid maybe it was the wrong move. Though I am extremely happy to have affirmation that there are others out there who I can be attracted to besides my ex, not to mention it was really good sex. He had previously told me that he had always called girls he had sexual chemistry with... I believed it.


So Its been a week and he hasn't called (he had said he would over the weekend). But he did add me on facebook last monday, which at the time I considered a good sign. Why add someone on fb unless you plan on keeping in touch? I am no idiot either, I honestly didn't really think too much but went with my desires. I realize a bar is usually no place to meet a guy, especially not a man looking for anything but sex. I'm still not sure what I'm looking for, but I am open to the idea of a friend with benefits (I've had a couple before). I'm also not a game player, if I am attracted to someone (which obviously isn't often) and it feels right I will sleep with them. Also I've never ever had a man not contact me after sex, so that alone feels odd. I slept with my ex on the 2nd date and we were together a year.


Sorry for the long post, I'm mostly venting a bit. Since we obviously have the same taste in venues, I feel like running into him is inevitable, don't want it to be awkward! I'm a bit confused because I feel totally refreshed like a spell has been broken that my ex had over me, yet my ego is bruised that this man hasn't contacted me. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is it common to attach too much importance to sexual partners after a break-up?

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I haven't "attached" to anyone since my marriage ended about three years ago. I've dated, had sex, and nobody has ever done anything for me like my ex. Rather than focusing on why this guy didn't call, you should be celebrating the realization you can actually feel something for someone else. There are lots of men in the world, as you know from first hand experience. Not all of those who first appear interesting are worth your time and attention.


Sex right off is never a good idea. Prizes are won, never given freely, and the best are for champions. One should have to prove himself worthy of you before you give yourself away.


Maybe you just need a great sex toy. I recommend Toys in Babeland (link removed) until you find someone worthy of your time and attention. Everything you need is there.


Good luck and go shopping.

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You sound a lot like me and I like that! All I have to say is, stop waiting for him or even expecting him to call. You had a great night and I think you should leave it at that. You should not take this personally, his reasons for not calling might be different than what you think. Just forget him. If he calls great, if not, it's still ok. Perhaps it was a learning experience for you.

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In many cases picking up someone from a bar to have sex with them is not going to lead to something else. Tomorrow he might be trolling for another woman to have sex with. No strings attached sex is just that...no obligation to call afterwards. If your goal was to get your ex out of your system your achieved that....if deep down your goal was to find a regular sex partner or a new relationship, picking up someone at a bar is not necessarily going to give you that goal. As for the facebook...adding someone on facebook does not necessarily mean anything...people add everyone just to show how popular they are. I am sure there are even people who add the men or women they have sex with as a way to show the number of notches on their bed post. This guy may call you at some point and he may not. Just because he doesn't call you right away, doesn't mean he will never call you...but that doesn't mean he will want you as a regular sex partner or his only sex partner.

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Is it common to attach too much importance to sexual partners after a break-up?


It is very common. I won't tell you not to do that anymore, but I would advise that what you are going through is more likely to happen than dating for a while, getting into a relationship, and than sleeping with the guy.


But glad you are feeling a little better!

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Thanks for all the responses!


I'm trying not to care if he calls, mostly I just wouldn't like to feel awkward when I see him, bound to happen since we both love the same places around town. I have many friends who have been in a similar situation, and I guess I never did really expect anything... but I don't get why he made a big point to tell me he'd call and add me on facebook. I'm pretty blunt and it always surprises me when others aren't. In regards to the whole waiting for sex thing, it might be a good idea in the future... But the double standard has always angered me. I really don't think of my body as some type of prize rather part of me I like to share with certain people. I have desires too, and I know I'm not promiscuous (compared to some of my friends at least)! However I think I've changed a bit since my last relationship and I'd rather be in love, its obviously a little harder not to get my emotions involved at this point or at least my ego. I'm just going to take this for what it is and know that my ex isn't the only guy in the world I'll ever be interested in!

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Often people do stuff like that when they are still on the high of having just got laid..but then they go back to their life routine and have a chance to think and realize that maybe they aren't that keen after all. Getting laid, in a sense, is like the artificial excitement of a vacation romance. There is the fantasy which keeps someone going for a period of time but then the fantasy falls away as the person returns to real life and things fizzle. Also, the "I'll call you" line is a standard line even when two people go on a first date and don't have sex. It is just something to say at the end of the date whether they mean it or not.

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