Please help, fear of saying no, fear of being alone with and attacked by someone

[1MoreChance]

I am having a lot of anxiety regarding this and I need advice and support.

 

my neighbor (I moved here 2 months ago, do not know him well) asked me if I could feed his cat while he goes on vacation. I didn't know how to say "no" (didn't wanna be rude) so I said yes.

 

He has to show me where is the food, cat litter, etc... I have to go into his appartment and I am scared to be alone with him. this may be an intuition (who knows) but it may be an irrational fear.

 

I have not returned his call from a voice mail he left me 3 days ago regarding this. I do not want to go into his place, I do not want to be alone with him, I am afraid. I do not know what excuse to give him.

 

I do not have someone who can come with me to his place. I could go with my dog, but it would be odd (his cat is scared of dogs, my dog gets excited around the mere smell of cats). It would be weird if I insisted on bringing her.

 

The guy is nice but he has been sharing weird stuff with me when I bump into him outside, like I'll say How are you today and he'll answer "not well.. I'm angry today, I'm pissed off." Or another time he said: "I was seeing this girl for about 3 months, and it's over now... I opened up to her and I think it weirded her out". he also told me that he "fought" with his cat one time cause he was angry when she jumped on the kitchen counter and she scrtached him really bad (I take it he was really angry and agitated and she became afraid).

 

Help I am afraid to go in there.... I am visions of him assaulting me / killing me... I know it is probably irrational... I was assaulted for real about 7 years ago and since then I have been funny about being in closed places with strange men. regardless I already had these issues cause my father was violent when i was little. In my old place I had neighbors I went into their appartments no problem, also some friends/colleages I am ok with,.... just not him I don't know why!

[1MoreChance]

please juts tell me how to get out of it

 

what excuse can I give him?

[odile]

He sounds like he is just a more "open" person than you are; none of what you have said about him strikes me as strange in any way.

 

BUT, if you feel uncomfortable, then why put yourself in this situation.

Saying "no", isn't rude, but committing to something and then flaking out is.

It doesn't make sense that you would agree to it in the first place, but now that you have,

you need to cancel on him a.s.a.p. so that he can find someone else to look after his cat.

 

Is there another neighbour he could ask?

Just tell him that you have conflicting plans, apologise and leave it at that.

 

Alternately, you could just call him back and say that you would prefer it if he could just write up detailed instructions (including his travel itinerary/contact info), and that he can leave them with you when he brings you the keys.

[1MoreChance]

Odile, just so you know, I am NOT the type to flake out on people, I am very loyal. this fear just crept up inside me and it feels quite uncontrolleable.

 

 

How do I justify not wanting to go in and see where everything is at his place? How do I justify wanting only written instructions?

 

 

oh and what about the fact he said he "fought" with his cat? she injured him pretty badly. I take it HE became very scary/aggressive to her and she defended herslef. I would never leave my dog with him (though twice so far he has suggested I let him take her for a run. I do not get a good feleign about him with animals). I alsways get a feeling he is flirting/being intrusive. why ask me if he could take my dog for a run? never in a million years would I trust him with my dog.

thanks

[odile]

1. No need to justify;

just say that it would be best for you, but that if it's a problem for him that perhaps he can find someone else to watch his cat.

 

2. Maybe they were play-fighting? Maybe the cat is weird (some cats *are* weird)?

Maybe he's a jerk, but maybe not.

If you didn't witness the 'fight', and you don't really know him, it seems unfair to make a judgement based on what he probably considered an anecdote.

 

3. It could well be that he's flirting. Nothing sounds shady, though.

If his friendliness/flirting makes you uncomfortable, just keep your boundaries drawn.

Keep your interactions polite and business-like.

If he asks about your dog again, just say,

"It's so nice of you to offer, but I'm afraid I have to decline; I'm simply not comfortable with leaving my dog with anyone else. See you later!"

[Unreasonable]

Just say "Joe, I just wanted to tell you that something came up and I can't watch your cat. I'm really sorry."

 

If he asks what say "If you don't mind I'd rather not talk about it."

 

You don't owe him any explanation.

[andi8172]

you could say you have a bad history looking after others peoples animals and you dont want anything bad to happen to his cat and if he asks what just say you really dont want to know anyway ive gotta go see ya

[1MoreChance]

thanks for your help, you guys are so nice.

 

I have no idea why I am so freaked out. I feel so guilty for changing my mind. I don't know, maybe it would be healthier to face my fears.

 

but I keep thinking, if I had a small daughter who wa sscared to be alone with a man, or if my dog was afarid of mean, I'd not force them to be baby sat (=to be alone with) by that man...

 

I owe it to myslef to put myslef 1st, even if it seems irrational, I guess......

[wildchild1]

You should never force yourself into a situation that makes you feel so uncomfortable. Listen to your inner voice.

 

A must read is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Some very eye opening information.

[1MoreChance]

thanks so much! it means a lot. especially coming form a man.

 

I don't know. I feel so irrational. I actually bumped into him tonight and he asked "did you get my message?" and I pretended I had a problem with my voicemail. (what else could I say I was too panicked to return his call)

 

all is well, he ended up not going on his little trip. (I had no idea it was to be so soon... he hadn,t specified the date).

 

I'm proud of the fatc that I was friendly, but a little more distant then the other times. when he told me he had insominia fomr "being confused", I kinda smiled, said something like "bummer..." and changed the topic (cause I don't want him to tell me about his personal, emotional issues, it makes me uncomfortable).

 

oh and I totally wanna read that book! thanks!