Please help...if I keep this up I could lose her.

[Redrumtri]

Well I'll just get right to it. A year ago I caught my gf in bed with another guy. It hurt like hell, and I just decided to ended with her. From what I found out about the situation. She and her friends were really * * * * ed up on drugs and alochol, went clubbing and thats where she met the guy. She told me that she never intending to cheat on me. But who ever intends to cheat on anyone right? So 6~7 months pass, during that time I had dated another girl but it didn't work out in the end because she was showing tendencies of being a cheat. My gf during that time was going through alot, being kicked out of her apartment due to going crazy with drugs (i.e. Eastacy, Xanex, Somas), getting kicked out of school for not being able to pay, almost getting fired from her job. So some of our mutal friends got us to start tallking again ( well it was more like convincing me to talk to her, because she really wanted to see me.) So long story short we are now back together and I feel as things are getting better. But I still have a really really hard time trusting her. And I feel bad because everything I have asked her to do for me she has (i.e. no contact with any other guy, no contacts with her other ex..etc.) I just want to know how to change my way of thinking, because she is doing everything she can to show me that she has changed and can be trusted. I have to change too, beucase if I don't then, in reality its not a relationship, its just me being selfish. But every time she leaves me, I get this feeling like something is gonna happen. Once i get that emotion, I just lose it, start to thing about things that could be happening. I know these things are in my head arent gonna happen, but its so hard to control, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. Please help me out on what I can do to better myslef, because I really do love this girl and I know its the same with her. She made a mistake and is now trying to make up for it, I just don't know how much she can take, me being all parinod all the time.

[savignon]

Does "everything she can" include no drugs, keeping a job, etc?? If she hasn't kicked her habit, you are right to worry ...as you said, no one intends to cheat but things happen when you're on alcohol and drugs, getting kicked out of school, losing your job, and so on.

If she's kicked her bad habits and you choose to stand by her, then you'll have to wait out the phase where you're going to feel nervous she could slip back and hope that things will feel better once she's had some time to live in her new shoes and you fully trust her again.

[lostnscared]

Rather than be with you, she needs to be in rehab. Her issues are out of your control. And I suspect that her cheating probably wasn't intentional, but rather a direct effect of her mind being altered by excessive use of drugs and alcohol. In other words, until she is sober, I don't know how you'll be able to trust her--because a majority of her actions will be a direct result of her drug use and not anything else.

Beyond that, I think it's fine that you forgave her for cheating. But once you forgive someone for cheating, you can't make all these "rules" up and expect them to continue to bend over backwards abiding by them. When you can forgive person, essentially you are trusting them again. So if you TRULY have forgiven her, then it's time to stop with the rules, and just have good faith in her and the relationship.

But from what you describe she just has too much baggage. Until she gets her life in order, I don't see this being a healthy relationship. And I wonder if you're back with her because of her friends, and because of your fear of her self-sabotage or if you genuinely love her and want to make it work. If it's the latter, then send her to rehab.

 

Good luck.

[Redrumtri]

thank you for the response, yes she has kicked the habit (been clean for 8 months now). I just feel as if I keep "Tripping out on her" it won't make our relationship any stronger. I just want to know how to deal with the fear and parinoia.

[WindowTo]

Honestly, I don't think I have ever met anyone who actually could relate to having cheated unintentionally. I have met plenty of people on the other hand that have used that lie as an excuse. Nobody on the face of the planet drunk or not cheats without it being a decision on some level, most of the time it is getting caught that they regret, or the realization that it wasn't worth it in retrospect. That doesn't mean that they didn't make a conscious decision to do it in the first place. Sounds like she hit some kind of bottom and came crawling back to you. It also sounds like you are mainly with her because the emotions brought on by rejection. Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run. You have no reason to believe she has changed in any significant way because all of her reported changes were predicated on consequences to herself and nobody else and seeing as she has already proven that she is willing to do things that benefit her while hurting you... it is a bad combination.

[alli]

I heard it can be very difficult to get past someone cheating on you. Glad to hear she has really done a 180. Based on this, that she cheated only once while making other poor choices, and now she is no longer making those poor choices, one might logically conclude that she is no longer cheating, either.

 

Seeing a relationship counselor might help. Also, spying on her is a bad idea. Not that you said that you did that, but if you are doing things like checking the mileage on her car, hacking into her email & facebook, or looking at her recent calls & text messages, it's only going to feed your desire to keep being suspicious of her, rather than curb it. Try not to worry about things that are beyond your control. If she cheats again, you will probably find out about it, and you will know what to do. So don't go looking for problems when it appears there aren't any.

[Redrumtri]

Thank you very much for the advice, your right, its basically me going and looking for a problem or trying to find something that isn't there.

[alli]

Thank you very much for the advice, your right, its basically me going and looking for a problem or trying to find something that isn't there.

 

I wouldn't blame you for doing it based on what happened, but if you are checking up on her, you will never satisfy the desire to know for sure she is being faithful. Because it only takes one thing to prove they are cheating, but finding no evidence can mean they are being faithful, OR it can mean you just didn't find anything YET, so you have to keep looking, and it's always on your mind. Almost like an addiction. I think if you stop checking up on her it will decrease your desire to do so. Also, I really think you should look into a relationship counselor. Can't hurt.

[karvala]

Please help me out on what I can do to better myslef, because I really do love this girl and I know its the same with her. She made a mistake and is now trying to make up for it, I just don't know how much she can take, me being all parinod all the time.

 

if I keep this up I could lose her.

 

The best thing you can do is repeat that statement to yourself every five minutes until you really believe it, because that is the basis of your changed behaviour. It needs just two things to behave in a trusting way towards someone: (1) A belief that it's the right thing to do, and (2) A belief, *at the time that it matters (i.e. at that jealous moment) that if you don't do it, things will become worse for you.

 

That means slowly releasing the lock you have on her. You can't keep tabs on someone 24/7, and even attempting to do so will kill any relationship stone dead sooner or later. Say to yourself every night before you go to bed "She will love me more if I am fun, happy, relaxed, mature and show that I trust her". Because she will.