myJoy's story... we're back together!

[myJoy]

ever since we re-established contact again this week & after that phone call from her, we've been e-mailing & texting back & forth every day. the tone is always light & really just catching up & a bit of teasing.

 

last e-mail i got from her, the tone turned serious as she thanked me for helping her "take a big step into life" & growing up. she's really happy to learn that i am doing so well & wants me "to show her my moves sometime". whatever that means. any ideas?

 

my heart doesn't do flip flops anymore when i hear from her. i guess perhaps in the past when that happened i always tell myself that it doesn't mean anything. its such a relief right now to know that i am no longer holding my breath.

[kate111]

Hmmm from no contact to everyday, that is kind of strange. Either she just missed you or else she is sick of this other guy, is my guess.

 

Maybe your heart doesn't do flip flops anymore because you don't really trust her anymore.

 

If I was you I would, as i have said before, not make any flirtatous comments or do anything dodgy with this girl.

 

Try not to answer her emails straight away.

 

Try to tell yourself over and over again that you are only friends, and then act like that.

 

Friends only remember.

[Mix Maxster]

I agree with much of what Kate had to say, but I also think that they become interested because they generally do care about how you are doing and not necessarily because things are going bad or that they're reconsidering. It happens naturally, you dump someone or get dumped by someone and you still think about how they're doing regardless if you have someone or not.

 

Ok now on to the controversial stuff, I think being friends is a great place to start and for her to kind of see for herself or find out for herself what you have been up to. Whether or not you're changing into someone else or if you're the same old person she dumped. Now I don't believe you should meddle in her afairs and tell her he's wrong for her and that she should dump him (regardless of if she thinks this or not) because she will take offense that you feel you can tell her what's good for her like she doesn't know herself. Because she will allow it for so long before she finally just decides it cannot continue. My ex stuck with me because she enjoyed having someone until she just couldn't stay with me anymore because she felt she was going places I wasn't and she lost faith in me completely (well at least very very close to that). And I now have the opportunity to get back into her life and kind of tell her, but not GLOAT, that I've been changing some things and smartening up and I know it's having an effect on her. So I think you should kind of let her know every once in a while what you're up to, if she thought you'd never get a new job, eventually tell her you've had a new job for a couple weeks. That kind of stuff, make her want to come back in that sense but don't intentionally split her and her bf apart or be the bad guy and intentionally spit this stuff in her face. Make her feel like she's getting it out of you and so it'll bring up more interest and so she can trust you and eventually listen to you more. Afterall you DO want her back right? Just sitting there being nothing but a good friend without doing anything to get her back is very risky because she may just end up ending up with this guy. Which is fine probably to you in that you're happy for her, but you probably would wish she would be with you because you love her so damn much and know it seems you two should be together.

 

So listen man, everyone's advice is pretty sound and I believe she is talking because she's interested to know how you're doing and isn't just checking up to make sure she didn't make a mistake or checking up to see if she was right and that you'll eventually prove yourself worthy or anything like that, I think she is honestly hoping you two can become friends because it means a lot to her. myJoy, I would honestly keep it up with where you are right now and she will be impressed with what you have become, if you have been lacking in one or more areas then you should be able to indirectly get her to see that of course not by you intentionally doing that or really making it obvious, she really has to do it on her own so it's genuine, but you have to know you're at least doing something in your favour. I mean it isn't a game, she isn't some prize to be won, you're in love with her and you feel you two are so right for each other or else you wouldn't be talking about all of this with the intentions of wanting her back.

 

It'd be really hard for things to happen completely on their own as it just doesn't work that way. I know you don't want to think of it as a game but you have to be a bit selfish and lay on the charm once in a while so she knows what she is missing out on. Just realize that you shouldn't view this as a direct opportunity to get her back nor is it an opportunity to just lay it all out for her and let her know what has changed with you since she left, but I am probably guessing that if she ends up going back to you after leaving this guy she is with, he will try the exact same thing you are and she has to know in the end that who she has is who she wants to end up with or else this guy could do the EXACT same thing and win her over again.

[myJoy]

thanks for the advice... they are both well perceived & thought out.

 

i've managed not to answer her e-mails/texts right away most of the time. sometimes waiting til the next day. i guess that excitement factor is gone. that being said, it doesn't discount how i feel about her. i'm letting her take the lead & pace on this renewed friendship.

 

i've also been good at not making any comments about her bf. at one point, she had mentioned that though they sit right next to each other at work, they don't talk at all & when they go home its the same way. they also go fishing every other week - which i know must bore the hell out of her. easy targets for me to take a shot at... but i just listened - didn't comment. as i know many women like to share their problems but they aren't necessary asking for advice... they just want someone to listen.

 

at this point i've kept my contact w/ her friendly & have no intentions of bringing up the past - although she occasionally makes reference to certain things. such as when i told her i lost 17 lbs & quite a few inches of my waist - she was worried that i wouldn't fit into some clothes she had bought for me. she also seems worried that i might find her fat since she had put on some weight.

 

i've not told her everything i've been up to since we broke up coz i have always been a firm believer that it is much more effective for her to discover the changes in me rather than announcing it to her. she knows i moved close to the beach, surf a lot, & work w/ a personal trainer. she's stayed away from asking about my social life & i do plan to keep that a mystery for her.

[Mix Maxster]

Good thing man because she may be happy to hear about those things, but she'll get the hint that it's as if you were doing them so she'd notice. I'm happy to hear that you're at least hearing about how she is doing and she is probably treating you as a friend she can talk to because of how close you two were. I am kind of in the same boat, but my ex isn't as cheerful with contacting me as your ex seems to be.

 

As much as you say girls just want someone to listen to them they still are kind of hoping to hear some things just like some of us just spill our stuff on this site in hopes someone will listen and possibly reply. It is possible she is hoping you'd ask her about it and maybe not, if she brings up things about her relationship where she sounds a bit upset or unhappy about perhaps that should be your move to just ask her if she's happy with her relationship? And if she gets all weird on you just say you were just trying to help but if she prefers you to not really say anything or get involved let her know you understand and won't take that conversation further.

 

Ok now just a bit for the rest of you out there, the difference between ending up as just the friend and back in their arms is you have to at least do something to better your situation. Asking to be friends if it really looks like they wanted that shows a couple of things, either a) that they're unsure with their decision and they're hoping you'll stay around because they're afraid losing contact means they'll never hear from you again and they'll lose their chance.... b) that they're sure with their decision and want to work on being friends because of how close you two were, they know you two like the same things and such... and it could be a combination of the two, but if it's a) this ISN'T necessarily a bad thing and shouldn't automatically be viewed as an attempt for your ex to string you along or use you unless they're that type, but remember they're probably pretty insecure people and try finding validation and acceptance in other people and you may have been the damn well best person for them and they threw it away because of their insecurities. You can say the hell with that and who needs someone like that? but then ask yourself what you are looking for, what you loved about your ex and why you wanted them back before? You can just let them come to you thinking that they apparently KNOW how great you are and they dumped you for that (BS) or realize that they were probably pretty confused in it all and only did what they felt was right for them even if they end up miserable and you will have to do something about it because chances are they won't do it on their own.

[neelie]

Myjoy

 

Just a woman's perspective...it seems as though she still cares for you. I've been in that situation myself...was depressed and resentful that we weren't spending time together because of work. While I didn't have an affair, I certainly had the opportunity to do so. If indeed her affair was due to some desperate attempt to get your attention, then I think her feelings are still there and she just doesn't know how to communicate her needs to you. Has she indicated that she is in love with this guy-it sounds more like she was craving your attention, even negative attention and hence the affair. After all, she moved to be with you and agreed to try again. Of course, I would proceed carefully since there is someone else involved now, you certainly don't want to come off as vindictive or jealous. Moreover, if she does come back to you, you need to make it absolutely clear that the dynamics in your relaitonship have changed or the same things will happen again. It seems as though you've handled this well and grown a lot...hope it works out and keep us posted with your advice!

[myJoy]

i'm not so certain anymore about how ready i am to be back in contact w/ my ex. i managed to think about her this past independence weekend more than i did the past 2 mths that we've been out of contact. here's why:

 

as i had mentioned, she moved a long way from home to be w/ me. this weekend, she went back to her hometown & took her bf w/ her. the significant part about this is that she took him home to meet the family & relatives. note that when we broke up it took a while for everyone to find out bec. she kept it from them. anyway, i had planned to fly to her hometown to spend time w/ her cousin who also happens to be one of my best friends. when i found out my ex was going i called my trip off.

 

they all spent the next 2 days together. her cousin told me that the conversations she had w/ my ex was all about me (in front of my ex's bf). they were talkinig about what i've been up to & sharing stories. when my ex & bf left, the family was discussing who they liked better - & it all points to me - they were biased though since i'm close to them, & i have been friends w/ my ex's sister for over 25 yrs. her sister even called me & asked why i wasn't coming up.

 

they all agreed that my ex looks happy though. they noticed she wasn't gushing & as excited about him as she was w/ me. but nevertheless, she is happy. her cousin then commented that of all the bf my ex ever had, i was the only one my ex went crazy & serious about. this i already know, as my ex's family & friends had told me so even in the past when we were still together.

 

i always knew that she would eventually take her bf up to meet them, but i kept hoping it wouldn't happen. plus, i always saw her hometown as a sacred ground for us. guess i'm just a sentimental fool.

 

i guess its time to go back to NC as i obviously have not completely healed myself. i'm much better today. but to think how frustrated i was this weekend, i realized that i'm in no position to win her back. i don't know how i would react if i do see her.

[myJoy]

its now been 6 mths. after finally re-establishing contact, we've been talking/e-mailing on & off this past month. she's doing the calling since she knows i won't call her. right now, i'm trying to figure out where to take this since i am certain this friendship would drag on without any progress.

 

in the beginning i had thought to wait for her to breakup w/ the current bf before i make any move, out of respect for her relationship. but then i remembered that since she was 14, she had been in relationships & was never able to be alone. she always went from one to the other. during her relationship before me, she was w/ her ex for 3 yrs. 1 yr into that relationship, she knew it wasn't what she wanted but she dragged on coz she didn't have anyone else to jump to.

 

anyway, i realize i have to be proactive about this. her cousin told me that there was not doubt in her mind that my ex still has strong feelings for me & wanders about me all the time. one thing for sure, if my ex does regret her decision & is thinking about coming back - she won't say anything at all. because she still needs to preserve her self-dignity. after all, she was the one that cheated on me & i was the one that broke up w/ her.

 

i took the 1st step by inviting her over to see my new place by the beach. she responded that 'it's a nice idea but in reality she won't be able to do that for a while'. now what? i need some suggestions.

[myJoy]

here's her response when i asked for her to visit me:

 

"I want to make that visit... but it will be hard to simply because of my

current situation with my bf. I've let my feelings known to him, good

and bad... and still trying to adjust with each other. I think if I let

him know that I plan on visiting you, it will kill him. So I'm giving

it time.

 

I know you will understand this. But I will let you know once the

opportunity opens up. Ok? I'm quite excited seeing how you are doing

and how you look like now. I actually know exactly how you look like,

but I think it will be much exciting in person. Hehehe... then you can

brag on about how you did it... Blah blah blah...

 

she let her feelings known to him? good or bad? what was the bad part? hhmmm...

[kate111]

Dear MyJOy,

 

Yours is a tough situation.

 

Sounds like your ex does care for you. But she probably loves her current boyfriend too.

 

She sounds like a bit of a confused girl. She also sounds like a bit of a player.

 

Im not sure how to win a 'player' type person over. Except to wait until they are bored with their current partner and then breeze into their life.

 

However, this sounds a bit of an icky strategy to me.

 

Maybe D'animal77 could give some advice.

[myJoy]

i do think she is confused, or maybe wondering if she made the right decision. perhaps now that the newness & excitement in her relationship has died down she can finally think straight again. i'm pretty sure her bf's insecurities over me will eventually take a toll on their relationship... if it hasn't already. how long can you put up w/ a controlling bf?

 

i get the feeling he is trying hard to make everything right, hence their planned trip to hawaii next month. her & i had planned to go back to hawaii this summer...hhhmmm.

 

anyway, yesterday i suggested that we should meet up this week. she offered a time, but our schedules were in conflict. for me though, its a good sign. i know its hard for her since she can't let her bf know.

 

knowing my ex, even if she gets bored w/ her partner she wouldn't leave unless there's someone else who is interested in her. like i said, she really can't be alone. she would rather be in a relationship where she is loved by the other, than to be alone. where do i go from here? my guess, is the best course of action is to increase my contact w/ her as a friend.

 

i know my ex wouldn't tell me how she feels, since she probably believes that i had moved on. plus, she wouldn't want to risk getting hurt again... putting herself in that situation where she loves me more than i love her. was the e-mail she sent me a hint of how she feels? i keep wondering what could be the bad feelings she shared w/ her ex, causing him to be so insecure?

[the_Monk]

Myjoy,

 

You've been a huge help to me so i took the time and read this whole thread. Wow, you sure are a strong person. Kudos to you, i think you're on the right track.

 

Please keep in mind, i am still a few steps back from your situation so take what i have to say with a greain of salt. I do, however, hope it at least gives you my perspective..

 

I think the fact that you, in all reality, ended the relationship. For that reason, i feel that you should be putting in perhaps a little more effort. Based on how she's reacted, i can't see it as counting against you. I however also realize that people like to play the field, girls too. If her relationship is past the infactuation stage and has moved onto "flat" perhaps she's looking for excitement. Or, perhaps she is truly confused and does have strong feelings for you. I would honestly lean towards the latter.

 

I personally believe that you know her best. If you feel she needs that reassurance before she can leave her current BF, then hell man, give it to her. Do you know how much we all wish we were in your shoes? You've worked damn hard at this buddy, grasp it now, while you can. Otherwise you may, one day, regret not trying just that little bit more.

 

I don't mean rush over with roses and your emotions on your sleeve but, i think you should be a litltle more pro-actice. Dan had some decent advice. I agree with NC to a point, then action is required.

[danimal77]

My Joy,

 

There comes a time man, where you will have to take a stand and make a BOLD move to wake this girl up from her slumber. Right now, you are allowing yourself to be a man who is tolerant of her actions and needs and that in itself is a great thing, BUT my friend, you cannot allow this to go on for too long, because she will string you along for as long as you allow her too. Why give up him, when she can have you both. She may secretely want you, more than him, but until you can be that man, to stand up to her and be confident and direct and let her know where YOU stand, separate from her, that will will be when you will finally get what you want.

 

That time is coming man. It requires courage and overcoming your fear, by facing it head on and regaining her respect in you and trust, that you will be that man, you once promised her you would be and once were.

 

Be yourself 100% and don't kiss @ss. Take it from me. That will be the dtermining factor in getting her back. You can continue to come on her and ask all of these people how you should lead your own life, or you could take charge of it and put this indecidive and confused woman on the right track, by demonstrating through your own actions.

 

My friend, I speak from experience and if I am not mistaken, you had given me great advice, but if I would have followed it, I would still be 10 steps behind. I am my own man and I go after what I want in life, without hesitation, or fear. Sure, I don't let my emotions cloud my judgement, I let my logic be my guiding force and I don't wait until a better day. Today is THE ONLY day to reclaim all that you want to. Remember that. Playing it safe, is not going to get you the Gold medal, unless you're willing to settle for less than you deserve and what you are capable of achieving, with a little more guts.

 

FYI, things with my gf couldn't be better. We're happy as hell and it's just the beginning. Learn from my past mistakes and my recent successes.

 

Truly,

 

Dan

[kate111]

I think you have done very well MyJoy. You have played your cards very well indeed.

 

I think Dan is right on the mark when it comes to your next move. You need to take action and you need to do something that will show her that she needs to choose you and cannot keep both her current boyf and you.

 

Im not sure the exact steps you need to take to pull this off though. Perhaps Dan could outline some possible word by word interactions which would achieve this.

 

I have no trouble with understanding the broad psychology behind a form of action but do have troubles trying to translate them into behaviours. Does that make sense?

[myJoy]

as i had said before, dan, you are a source for inspiration.

 

i keep wondering if she is sending my signals for me to pick up. a lot of things she said, she really didn't have to. such as the fact she had confessed her good & bad feelings to her bf & they're trying to adjust to each other (even after 6 mths). that's really between them, why tell me?

 

yesterday, she sent me an e-mail to tell me how she liked my area & she didn't realize i was so close to the beach. she also complained a bit about the traffic earlier that day. my god... i only gave her my address on monday. did she actually drove to my place just to check it out?

 

you talked about taking some decisive actions. what now? on monday i invited her to come over on wed. but she can't. she suggested tues, but i had a conflict. so we just decided we'll catch up some other time.

[JustPlainSad]

Keep going with it myjoy, She definitely wants somethign with you. if she didnt she wouldn't have driven so quickly to see your house.

 

Make sure WHEN, not IF, you get her back you don't revert to any of the old myjoy that she left. I don't wanna see your A55 on here saying "O I lost her again". But I'm sure you won't or else why the hell would you put up with all of this and do all of this work. I hope she's really worth it man. You've shown a lot of maturation over your posts. It takes a BIG mand to accept his mistakes and you have!

[myJoy]

dan... you were right! sometimes we just need to put it on the line.

 

after 6 mths of breakup, 4 mths of no contact, 1 mth of playing it safe by keeping daily communication w/ the ex via e-mail... & an occasional phone call from her - she finally said, we need to stop communicating.

 

i called her & asked her why? 1st time i called her in 6 mths. since i had never told her i wanted her back, i decided that this was the right time. i told her i realized all the mistakes i made during our relationship, & i have kept my distance from her all this time out of respect for her. however, i do want her back coz i know that what her & i have many people search for a lifetime. this is not like any other relationships that both her & i have had w/ other partners.

 

she said that's precisely why she needs some time alone to think things through. these past months have been torture for her, as she had actually regretted allowing our split to happen. she said that day i asked her to leave, she thought i had moved on. this whole time she could sense everything that was happening to me... even my love for her. she realized that she perhaps threw away the best thing that ever happened to her too hastily. now her life is a mess... she's depressed, she can't function properly, & her bf realizes how she feels & is afraid he might lose her. apparently, she has been thinking about coming back to me all this time. she even drove herself to my new place & didn't know why.

 

anyway, the jury is out. she knows how i feel, & i know how she feels. i told her to take her time... no pressure from me. we don't know if we will get back together or not... coz the other guy is still in the picture. i think they are still going to hawaii together - since he is trying hard to fix things. their problem has to do w/ her feelings for me.

 

i'm not too sure why the reluctance to come back. is it because she actually does love the other guy? perhaps feel sorry for him, because he does love her so damn much? or is this too much stress for her to handle right now? or, perhaps she is afraid of getting hurt by me again - that i might again take her for granted? all i know is she needs time apart from me right now. her 1st step is to move out of her bf's house.

 

that being said, she still e-mailed me 2x today. i guess, our contact will continue. god knows what's going to happen next, where this will lead? hhmm... anyway, i will keep moving on. if she comes back then great, the love of my life is back. but if she doesn't, my life will move on. i'm not about to hold by breath now, & wait to see if she does come back coz i would only be setting myself up back to square one.

[iceesnowbubble]

Sounds like it's going good for you myJoy which is good to hear considering how much you have helped other people. As far as i can see your ex isn't totally over you yet, and it looks like in the long run she will drop the other guy for you, especially if she has missed you the whole time... goodluck with everything and keep on posting! =)

[gti337]

I have read a few of your posts and they were right on. You sound alot like myself in my marriage. Although the scenario is different, I was non-comprimising and I know that through my actions, my wife percieved our marriage as hopeless. I was working on two businesses, not spending any quality time with her and doing every dumb thing a guy can do to push her away. Well, I have learned and have also known, that women need alot of attention and they need to feel secure.

 

In my own dumb way, I made my wifes insecurities multiply signifigantly. Perhaps it was my lack of listening to her needs, no, it was my lack of listening, better yet hearing, what she was trying to tell me. I let my ego get the best of me. I thought the relationship didn't need any fixing and because I wasn't listening to her tell me it needed repair in the form of me spending more time with her, opening up to her and being less detached....That we needed to share more, be intimate more, be friendlier, more accepting, passionate....etc etc...You get the point no?

 

Sure we all like to say it takes two. Sometimes it only takes ONE to be the precursor and initiate the downward spiral in a relationship. In my situation it was me, in yours it was you. In our own ways we NEGLECTED the very essense of what a woman truly needs. When they cry out for those needs, in their own unique way, as men we usually don't initially hear the pleads until it is too late THEN we want to fix it because now we realize it all.

 

I think your situation differs from mine because there was definate cheating on her behalf. I dont think my wife cheated on me but I can never rule that out. If I were you, I would think twice about going back or having her come back. Loyalty and respect should be at the top of a mans relationship priority list. When she cheated on you she broke that trust when she disrespected you and had an affair. To me, no situation marrital or long-term, could be bad enough to have an affair while in the relationship. If it were that bad she should have broke it off then went her own way.

 

If you were to get back together the memory of the affair will linger long after the rekindled friendship and it will always pose a problem to some extent. Remember, people have patterns and they are hard to break. If your partner could do that once, she could do it again. On a brightner note, people learn from their mistakes but is SHE worth it to you? Can you ever fully trust her and especially now, after all of this, love her the way she needs to be loved in order to assure the success of the relationship? Can she love you or will there still be lingering resentment on her part?

 

Man, I feel for you. Relationships can be brutal. Although I can't walk in your shoes nor can you mine, try to see the similarities in our relationships. Try to see how the women we loved were seeminingly pushed away by our very own hands and doing. Also remember that in love their is understanding and forgiveness.

 

I have a wife that sais she can forgive but not forget, and thus we are still separated and she just moved into her own place last night. That was hard to accept but I see that I pushed her to that point. If only she could get passed being bitter and look at reconciliation as an alternative to divorce.

 

In the end your decision is yours and yours alone. Sometimes we need to stop being so analytical and just go out on a limb. We all want love and our souls crave it like nothing else on this planet.

 

Good luck to you and thanks for the insightful posts.

[myJoy]

that's the thing i'm afraid of. i know i want her back, & now that the possibility of it happening becomes greater, a new set of questions come into mind.

 

i can forgive, but can i forget? how do i rebuild that trust? can she live w/ the guilt? will this consume us? we both realize that if we do get back together things won't be the same.

 

a lot of people believe a cheater will always be a cheater. this has happened before in her past relationship. the eternal optimist within me like to believe that people can change. funny thing is a week before she cheated on me, i said to her exactly what i wrote above.

 

knowing what i know now about her feelings for me, & the fact that she continues to be w/ her bf, makes me feel like i'm being cheated on all over again. what sentimental fool i am.. perhaps i just think too much.

 

bottom line is i love her w/ all my heart. isn't love enough to conquer all? why then should all these technicalities bother me? i keep telling myself the past is the past. i need to let it rest. if she comes back, the possibility of a wonderful, loving & faithful relationship is still there. past performance shouldn't be an indicator of future outcome.

[gti337]

i agree with you. and there is nothing wrong with being an eternal optimist, not even in your predicament.

 

i was doing some talking tonight with friends. we came to the conclusion that so many relationships fall apart because people have such a tendency to want to give up and look for greener pastures because somehow there is a total breakdown of communication. no newsflash here, but it really is the truth.

 

to move into the future you MUST not live in the past. if you can come to terms with this, with your ex, then you are already half-way there and that's alot better then being stranded at the starting line. Now all you have to do is allow her to come to terms with WHY she did what she did and apologize to you...its that simple and its that hard at the same time. if you love her, then get down to the core and tell her how you feel.

 

in many ways i think that if people would really read what they write on here, and apply it to their own lives many would see that they already know the answer to the problems - the problem is they dont know how to fully communicate that to their partner EFFECTIVELY. you have some great advice, perhaps you should use some of it for yourself. and bottom line is this, if you love someone let your heart pour out. its the best way to be true with yourself and your partner. NC can be effective in its own right, but straight up, lay it on the line, truthful, heart-felt communication of love and reconciliation will make even the most hardened heart waiver under the purest of admiration.

 

if you can forgive and forget, which i optimistically hope you will try and do, you are well on YOUR way to achieving an end result so many people fail to see and that is simply a better YOU.

 

-best of luck

 

-tis better to have ones heart lead them astray then to have the mind lead them away-

[myJoy]

a warm & big thanks to everyone who gave me their support through this process. the dream is finally realized... my gf & i are back together, where we truly belong!

[craigblitz]

Absolutley awsome...... Congrats!!!

[k33]

So what happened over the weekend.... you are leaving us hanging!

 

fantastic news though. So happy for you both. she's a lucky girl!

[iceesnowbubble]

MyJoy..that is just fantastic! From the master, you just proved that it really can happen. Your advice has been just wonderful to all of us, and I know that I am totally happy that things worked out for you and your girlfriend! Best of Luck with you guys..I hope you have a long, loving relationship...

 

Now, for the rest of us out there, let's get some more success stories up on this darn forum!