Need some advice please!

[Sizz813]

Hi I have just recently started reading this forum, and I think there is some great advice and really nice people here. Well I was hoping that you could help me with my dilemma.

 

My G/F recently broke up with me after a 5 year relationship. She cited the numerous differences in our personalities, lifestyle, just about everything that you could imagine. She told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, but still loved me as a friend. She said that she would never forget about me, but the chapter in her life that includes me is over and that she needs to move on. She told me that I need to move on as well. Also there was talk about how she knows how much this hurts, because her previous relationship went for a little over 2 years, and the guy ended up breaking up with her. She told me to stay strong and that I would eventually get over this and her.

 

Now I am still madly in love with her. I know that we have had our problems, but what couple doesn't right? I still want to be together and I don't know what to do. I stupidly did the whole gift givng, begging, calling, stopping by thing for the first 2 weeks after the breakup, but to no avail. I happened upon this site and after reading some advice, decided to utilize the no contact rule. It has been 3 days now, and wow what a 3 days it has been. It seems like forever since we have talked, because in the 5 years we were seeing each other, the most we ever went for was probably 4 days.

 

Also there is an important point she brought up. She told me that she doesn't want to be tied down by a relationship right now and wants to see what the world has to offer her while she is still young. We started dating at an early age (19) and we are both almost 25 now. So I can understand where she is coming from, she has only been in long term relationships since she first started dating.

 

Another thing is the friends that she has started hanging out with for the past 1.5 years. She met these two girls from her then new job and started becoming friends with them. Now these two girls like to party all the time and don't really care about relationships and just go from one guy to the next. Do you think that her association with these girls have influenced her thinking process? I noticed that since she started this new job that she has been slowly changing the way she thinks and feels about this realtionship. I think that she feels trapped by this and wants to get out while she still can (?)

 

The hard part about this all is that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and raise a family together. I know that she is the one for me, and yet she has professed the same, but the past year there have been slow changes to her personality. I attribute it to her friends, but also to the fact that her family is going thru a very hard time right now with health problems and their financial situation. Maybe she feels that I wasn't really there for her and wants to find someone who will be? She has told me before that she feels that I am too controlling and that I act her father sometimes. It is true that I have the tendency to put my foot down, which I know isn't a health thing for a realtionship to work, but I saw that she was beginning to throw away some things in her life that she strived so hard to work for (i.e. school). The only reason I did these things was to help her and us.

 

The thing that is also pretty crazy is that I found out that she has been going to these parties and getting pretty wasted, also spending the night at this guys house that she likes? I seems kinda messed up that she would something so quickly after breaking up with me, but I guess it must have started while we were going out, and could have helped make the situation between us even worse.

 

Now I ask, what is the best course of action to take? After reading the posts, I have decide to institute no contact because I guess she needs to see whats really out there waiting for her, and if the feelings that she has for me are worth staying for. I guess she will only know that for true if she sees someone else (?) I really want to be with her again and not a minute of my day passes by without me thinking about her and how I messed up the best thing that I had in my life. This breakup has really opened my eyes to the things that I did wrong with our relationship and what I need to do to make things better.

 

So I ask you guys for some advice in what I should do. Thanks a bunch

[single30]

I agree that the no contact idea is a good one.

She obviously has feelings for you... but needs to go out and have some fun! Being in such a serious relationship at such a young age can have a huge impact on people. She needs a taste of freedom.

I think you should get busy, spend time with your friends....even when you dont' want to. "Act as if", until you feel like yourself again. Things could pick up with you two again, but if they don't, you need to have a life of your own. Concentrate on that for now. Maybe make some changes in your life that you have been wanting to make for a while? She is bound to notice. Good luck. I feel your pain. Breaking up can hurt as badly as when someone dies. My heart goes out to you.

 

I can assure you however, as a female, calling, begging, gifts...etc. IT DOESN'T WORK! Never will. You need to be someone that is attractive to her, not pathetic. Don't mean to sound harsh, but be srtong, not somone she can stomp all over.

[auburnslp]

OK brother, first of all I am sorry, very sorry. I know exactly how you feel. It has been almost two months for me and I am still miserable, but getting stronger every day. I will try to answer a couple of your questions from my experience.

First of all, I would say that absolutely yes your ex's choice of party girls for friends hurt your relationship. I hope that will be of some comfort to the ego-destroying pain of being let go. You guys started dating young and now maybe it seems that she wants a little freedom, as her friends have. It's a classic "grass is greener on the other side" thing here. She sees them putting on the happy faces and having a great time. What she doesn't see yet, and it might take some time for her to admit it to herself, is the loneliness inherent in not having that perfect partner to wake with every day and discuss life with, at a soul level. If she had that with you, she will miss it, trust me. But here's the thing, and here is what you absolutely have to do-you have to, have to give her the time to figure this out for herself. In the meantime, no contact will be the best thing you can do. Best for both of you. I imagine that it hurts to even hear about what she is doing now, right? So don't ask. Don't ask anyone. You need to put on an outlook that tells the world that you are ok...that word will get back to her, and eventually she will wonder why you aren't missing her, and she might come sniffing back to find out why. This might very well be the hardest thing you will ever do, but constantly remind yourself that it is the only chance you have. Ask yourself this-is calling her or telling her how much you miss her or anything else helping right now? It is not, and all it is doing is making her comfortable in her decision, steeling her resolve. So for now, back off completely. Trust me. Will this work? I don't know, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Is this your only shot? Most likely at this point. So the choice is clear.

Another guy? That will destroy your heart, of course it will. And again, the only way past this, the only hope you have, is to do the hardest thing of all, and that is to make believe that you are happy for her being happy. Especially with her friends that will get the word back to her. If that ever comes up, you need to ask if he is a nice guy, and no matter what the response, focus on the fact that you are just happy for her, you are happy because she is happy, and that is all you care about right now. Even if the truth is that you feel like you are going to throw up at the thought of it, this is your chance to show her that you truly do love her in a way that probably no one else in this world could ever love her. This is the most important thing of all. And the hardest...

Brother, I wish you the best luck in the entire world in this. It seems to me that right now she just needs some space to figure things out-let her have it. As hard as it is, allow her the space without you being in the mix at all. At all. If you ever run into her, be just as nice as you can be, no matter what the circumstances. She will see you then in the way that she saw you 5 years ago, when she fell in love with you. I would say that there is a chance that she will go through this phase and will eventually realize what she has lost in you, and will then start showing signs that she wants to come back. But, friend, patience is your only chance here. You know, a casual date here wouldn't hurt either, especially if the word got back to her-casual, so you don't raise any hopes in the other person, we don't want to use people as a means to our end. And I will caution you to this-and this is very important. I know you want her back, but you cannot put your life on hold indefinitely for anyone. Give yourself a reasonable time frame here, maybe two or three months, do exactly the things I have mentioned, and if at the end of that time she is still gone, then it is time to switch forums, to the healing after a breakup or divorce forum. Eventualkly we have to cut our losses and run. I am getting very near to that point myself, no matter how badly my heart is broken over it. There has to be a day eventually that we give up and move on. I will hope you never reach that day...my best to you...Michael

[craigblitz]

That my friends is a fantastic post!!!!!! Buddy the exact to the T thing happened to me, it does get easier but brace yourself for the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime

[Sizz813]

Thanks for the great advice. I have been tempted so many times to just give her a little call to say hi and let her know that I am still out there. I guess she already knows that I am still here. Something that I didn't mention was that I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings, talking about her feelings as well. It seemed kinda like a final letter, basically good luck in everything that you find in life, but know that I still love you and will be here kinda deal. I have read that this sort of letter isn't good to send out, but alas only found this out after the fact. Do you think that it was a good idea sending out this sorta farewell, goodbye letter? Will it let me move on or let her move on easier?

 

Now that I look back at it, maybe I shouldn't have sent her that letter. It doesn't seem like the best thing to do, but I wasn't in the right state of mind, and I'm not in the right state of mind right now either. It is so hard to go everyday without her, after 5 years of constantly being side by side.

 

The funny thing is, is that I wanted to marry her and start a family together. I was just waiting for the right time to do it. We were both young when we started dating and I didn't want to start a family until I knew that I was on stable grounds to support one. I just recently graduated from college and landed a good job. I had been saving up for the past 6 months to purchase a house and a ring for her. Now those dreams have been shattered.

 

Is there really a chance that we will get back together? I guess there is always a chance that we will. The only sad part about it is that she was so sure, so final about the way she talked to me about the ending of our relationship. I mean after being together so long, you just don't tell someone that you don't love them unless you really mean it. I mean that is a pretty hard thing to say to someone. She couldn't say something like that unless she really meaned it right? Would she say something like that to make it easier for me or her to move on?

 

It is good to see some of the success stories that I have read about using the no contact rule. It just seems like there are more unsucessful stories than successful ones. Does it really work? I read that the no contact rule is more to help the person get over than it is a good tacit on getting back together, what do you think?

 

What really sucks for me is that deep down in my heart I think I know the answer. She isn't coming back. We are not gong to get back together. I mean I can hope and pray all I want about dreams and fantaties of getting back together. Will doing so help me? Probably not. It will probably just end up hurting me more in the end. Does that mean I should give up all hope?

 

With the no contact rule, how long should I go without any contact at all? What if 1, 2 , 3 months pass without her callling me. Is there any time that I should give her a call to see how she is doing? Or is it best never to call again and just let her be. By the way she talked to me about not being tied down and seeing what the world has to offer her, it seems like she will be out and about for a while to see all the other great people in the world.

 

Just as a little side note, when I first met my girlfriend, she was overweight, didnt wear makeup, didn't dress stylish, but within the past 1-2 years started changing her whole look. I have always told her that I loved her no matter what, but do you think this change brought about her decision? Maybe it was before she didn't get the attention that she wanted from other guys, but now she is getting so much that she has been tempted to go on to other things?

 

I am not trying to put all the blame on her for the breakup. In all honesty alot of it was my fault. To be honest with you I am a very jealous and controlling person. I just wasn't able to see that side of my personality until this. I can see now that the little things that I did in fact helped push her away from me after all these years. She kept giving me chances, kept waiting to see if I would really change or not. I guess she got fed up with all the BS and wanted to move on. I know I can change. Not only for her but for myself as well. Maybe this is a good thing for me, even though it doens't feel like it. I know for a 100% fact, that if we were to get back together again, it would be a better, stronger relationship. I mean I have to look at what the root causes of our problems were, before I can even think about being together with her again.

 

Sorry for the long post, just have a lot of things on my mind right now. All the support and advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks alot for being here for me, it means alot to me. I think that if I didn't come accross this forum, I might have done something really, really stupid, but this has helped me calm down and really think about things. I have my fingers crossed that she will see that she really does love me, and might wanna see if this can work. I don't know, but all I can do is hope, because without hope there can only be despair.

[matchboxman]

You'd be very wise to follow some of the advice in this thread. Great, great stuff.

 

There are a lot of parallels between your situation and mine (I'm 23, she's 21, I want to settle down soon, she wants to see what else is out there) so I know where you're coming from on a lot of points.

 

Just stay strong bro and take it one step at a time. You've got people here to help you out when it gets tough.

[auburnslp]

so many questions-many of them have answers, and some are unclear. I will do my best to respond to them, this post might be long and I apologize...

The letter. The letter was fine, if it included what you said. It is healthy to write the last goodbye, healthy for you. If you included those words that you will love her and you hope the best for her in life, and that you will be there for her no matter what, it is all fine. I see absolutely nothing at all wrong with it. There is a time right after the breakup that we all struggle with no contact, and in this time we all make mistakes, calling all the time, begging, pleading, etc. But the last letter to a woman who has been such a love? Nothing wrong at all. I did it too, and I also went by one last time to see her, speak those last words, hug her one last time, stroke her hair, all that. It was healthy. And then it was done. And since that night, I have done none of the same things again-no contact except when it is unavoidable-our kids are best friends. But now it is just small talk-laughs, no talk of feelings or anything. It is still hard to see her at all and given the opportunity I never would, because it is delaying the healing process. But I don't have a choice-you do.

I feel the pain-you are much younger than me, but our relationships seem to have so much in common. I asked her to marry me. She said she couldn't-my first clue? I'm an idiot though-I kept fighting a losing battle. Could never give up because all I wanted was a life with her. But finally I am seeing clearly, and am beginning to let it all go. You will too brother, if you are strong and allow it to happen. And don't beat yourself up over the fact that you didn't ask when you weren't ready...you would be falling into the pit of the "what if's" You were not ready-don't blame yourself. And if things happen, they happen for a reason...have faith in that-even if you had asked earlier, wouold she have said yes? Maybe, but then look at it this way-the problems were coming anyway-she changed somewhat, and in that marriage there might have been huge problems leading to a painful divorce, believe me, that is exactly what happened to me-got married when I was not ready and paid the price...

Those shattered dreams will bring you to your knees-I know. But here is the thing...there is nothing in the world that should have the power over us to bring us to our knees. Save for God. It's tough to realize and accept the truth in this when our hearts are bleeding, but it is true. And all we need is time, strategy, and strength to rise up again and live.

Chance-is there a chance? Tough to say. Impossible to know. I can say that her words to you were pretty clear. But,...those words can be spoken also in an attempt to ease the finality of the decision, for her and you both, even if they were not meant from the heart. I do not want to raise false haopes-really the only thing you can do is to begin to move on, and if she is going to come back, she will, if not, then not. Either way, dealing with, accepting the pain of this moment is necessary, and then moving on is imperative-there are some things you can do to help the situation if it is meant to happen for the two of you-I mentioned those in my last post. Do them. And I would say that I agree with you, that there is always a chance, but we cannot put our lives on hold indefinitely to wait for a chance.

I know what you mean about the success stories. They are great to read, give us hope. But, you are right, I would have to say that most of the time nothing works. But that doesn't mean it can't for us. No contact is vitally important. Do it. It might be the only chance at all. She needs her space now. Give it to her. Otherwise you are pushing her away-you will just be bugging her. She needs to go find herself-allow her. I think you sound like a great guy, and maybe she will one day realize what she gave up. I will hope that for you. And also, the no contact rule is symbiotic-it most definitely helps you too. No question in the world.

Should you give up hope? Here's the thing. I am in the exact situation right now, the same point as you. I also know in my head that it is over, that things are now completely out of my control, and there is so little or no hope of her coming back. And because this destroys me, my heart will sneak in glimmers of hope from time to time. And that is normal and ok for where we are right now. We need to be realistic and accept that it is over. But, we also cannot help but have a tiny bit of hope for our prayers and dreams to be answered. You don't need to give up all hope right now. But allow your mind to take over, and allow yourself to begin to imagine that it is possible, and in so, there are things we need to do to move on and better ourselves, find a new focus in our lives. Me, I'm an old guy, but I have hit the gym again, taken golf seriously finally, lost about ten pounds and added muscle, running, gonna sign up to take tae kwan do again, lots of stuff. Does this kind of stuff help? Absolutely. Does it fix the pain? Absolutely not. But without question, it affords a temporary relief from it. And I look so much better, and pride right now is very important. And it shows-even though I am not interested in having a serious relationship at this point with anyone, I am seeing myself as being noticed by the opposite sex much more, and that is a ego-boosting thing in times of pain. And here's the other thing-the ex I am sure is noticing too. And while that alone would not cause her to go back on her decision, it does give me a tad of satisfaction to know that she is looking on me again, and maybe even starting to realize what she has given up. Long story short-you don't have to give up hope, but you have to be realistic in it and not allow it to consume you. If you do that, let it consume you, you will be holed up in a prison of hope for the rest of your days. There has to be a time that we cut our losses and run. For now, you can hope. Just don't let it go on forever...

How long you do the no contact rule? I can tell you what I am doing. Except for those brief child exchanges which I can't avoid, I don't contact her at all. There was one night a couple weeks ago that she called over here and asked if I would bring a movie over that I had rented to watch it, she asked to borrow it, and so because I had not watched it yet I said well why don't I just bring it over and we could watch it together...my sons were sleeping over there at her place...and she said yes and I did. A mistake. Even as innocent as it sounds, the old feelings resurfaced, nothing major, just stroked her feet and back, but still, no good. Only served to prolong the pain. I made a mistake and I won't again. But for me, I have chosen 2 months. I figure that if she hasn't made any effort by then to reestablish a relationship, then it is time then to give up hope and truly begin to move on. Even during this time I have had a couple casual dates, very casual, because I made the mistake of having a serious on right out of the gate, sex involved, and it was awful-wasn't ready. But I will not entirely give up hope till then, less than two months from now, I have the date marked on my calendar. And if that date comes and goes, as hard as it will be, I will never again allow my heart to have that hope, I will quelch it with my mind when it tries to occur, and I will begin to truly move on, to let go, even though I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever do. You see, I'm 37, was married, have had several long term relationships of over two years, but none even compared to this girl. She was everything I ever wanted or hoped for. I found her and thought that God had finally smiled on me. And for reasons completely out of my control, she is gone. But I will not waste the rest of my life being sad. The key will be to never settle-the next girl will have to be even better, or I will be condemning myself to a life of longing for the one that got away. Same is true for you, and here's the basic truth-I found her, you found her, but, why in the world should we think that we won't find even better? We can, and with patience, we will. There is always hope, and this is actually very likely. Patience. No need to hate being alone-it sucks out loud, but if we look at it from the viewpoint that in the long run it will reward us with bliss, then there is nothing at all wrong with it. We are not single, we are patiently searching.

Should you ever call her? You have to know if that would be beneficial in any way. Personally, I wouldn't, but all our situations, no matter how similar, are inherently different. Personally, I don't. If she wants to call me, fine. But right now it is pointless to chase, after they have left. You have to get down to the reason you want to call. She already knows you love and care for her. What else could a call do, even to just ask her how she is doing? I think that call would be self-serving, you wanting to hear her voice, to tell her that you hope she is well, which she already knows. She will know that call is self serving. Not good. You will do what you think is right, but if you are asking advice, I would say no. I have shown her nothing except for that mistake I told you about...and intend to keep it that way. Now, a decision for me still looms...I have not decided whether to call her two months from now, when that date comes that is marked on my calendar. I might call, to see how she is doing, might even ask if there is any hope. And accept her response completely. But I might not. I guess I will know when the time comes whether it is even worth it. But as far as you calling her at all? Only you know, but follow your mind, not your heart...

Your paragraph about her appearance sppeks volumes to the love in your heart and your character. Telling her you loved her no matter what...it is kind of hard to believe that she left you. But,...you also mentioned your controlling nature and jealousy-two mistakes I also made with this girl. She is unlike no other for me-so social, guys always giving her business cards, asking her out, so fun and social, and I wasn't used to that. Her behavior at times bordered on flirtatious, even with me around, and I always had a big problem with that. I knew she was true to me, but I always thought it was a tad disrespectful. And so, I showed my butt at times. Seems like the two of us have some things to change and to learn. Before her I was never that way, and I never wish to be again. Self-improvement is critical now for both of us, and the old adage rings true-you have to admit your problem to yourself to fix it...and we have at least both done that. Good luck to you here, I am striving to do the same, focusing on it, maybe my only fault in the entire relationship. I won't make that mistake again...

Could that change in her appearance bring on the changes you are dealing with? Absolutely. If she had never before had that kind of attention, and all of a sudden was, well, of course she might want to explore it. Sounds like this is what is going on. Here's the thing-grass is always greener-but, after this time of exploration, she very well might see it is not greener. Take this time apart to do what she did-make yourself even more attractive, physically, emotionally, spiritually,etc. We can all improve. Focus now on your weaknesses and fix them. You will be rewarded. If not by your ex seeing you and wanting you back, by another sweet loving girl. There is absolutely nothing to be lost in this effort, and so much to be gained...

I'm sorry for the long post, and brother, I am sorry for your pain. Listen, I am glad you found this forum-it has helped me as well. As far as doing anything stupid-well, you are stronger than that. Please feel free to pm me if there are other things you need to say, I'm here for you brother. I am heading out of town for a week tomorrow-gonna head to the beach and clear my head, thank God. Best to you and you've got my thoughts and prayers...Michael

[auburnslp]

what I meant in that last paragraph is that I will be gone for a week, but when I return, I will follow up with any concerns or questions you might have , if you are interested in receiving it...Michael

[a_little_sparrow]

WOW!

 

There's so little to add to everything that Michael said. One last thing I would add sizz813 is buy yourself a notebook and start writing down all this stuff that you're thinking about. Put it on paper. Let your mind go all over the place. Not that we don't want to hear what you have to say here, but, I can say from experience that I've discovered so much for myself (ie what I did wrong, what I could do right, what I really thought about her) by journaling. And it truly helps.

 

And though I think that Michael addressed this completely. DO NOT beat yourself up over what you've done so far. These breakups are so hard and confusing. Know that everything you did you did because you felt you had to. Don't regret your actions, especially since everything you've done is within reasonable bounds.

 

Now all that's left is to stay strong. For your own sake.

[auburnslp]

Excellent post sparrow-you are so completely right in your points-writing these things down is so helpful-I make lists-good and bad-of what has happened, how I feel, what I have lost and what I have gained. And it's funny, but I have probably cried more when I have written these things down and re-read them than any other time in this whole experience-it is a cleansing of the heart and soul, through emotion and tears. And it is very hard, but so very healthy-we must acknowledge and experience the true pain to finally move past it...I can't wait to move past it...

I just got back from errands, oil change for the trip, etc...passed my girl on the road, waved out the window, she waved back, and the sadness of such that is what we are left with, a chance meeting on the road after three years of soul-mating. Unbelievable. Just seems so wrong, so wrong, so sad. But truth-there is nothing I can do, so you know what? I will do nothing. That is the resolve that is needed to not only heal, but to give any chance to what we might have, if there is any at all. Every day passes and I lose more hope. And that is a good and healthy thing. I have to eventually let go of the hope, if it seems clear that there is none...

I swear to all of you, you have my hopes and prayers, of both the chances of reconciliation that might be there, and also to the healing, letting go that you might have to face. Truly, you have all of my hopes and prayers for these things, every single person that is on here. Be well, God bless,...Michael

[Sizz813]

Thanks for all the good advice. It is really nice to know that there are people like you out there that actually care. I will follow the no contact rule, and I think that 2 months would be a good measure also. We used to talk to each other constantly when we weren't together, so I would guess that if she doesn't want to speak to me after 2 months, the she doesn't want to at all. I will keep you updated on my situation, and I hope everything goes well for you too. I need to look at myself, my faults and try to fix them. Maybe it will be better for my next relationship or maybe it will let my past one become better if we ever get together again, but regardless it will make me a better person. Thanks again everyone, it really makes me feel good inside to read what you have to say.

 

Just on a side note I have been talking to this girl at my work about what has happened to me. I mean I have told her everything that I can think of, even stuff that shouldn't be said. I said everything to get her take on what I could do, or what might happen. Now she is 31 and has been in many relationships before, so I guess she would have some pretty good advice for me. This is what she said....she had been seeing this guy for about 1 year and fell in love with him. The only thing was is that he had some bagagge with him (ex-wife, child) and she didn't know if that is what she really wanted. Also she wasn't the type to hold down a long term relationship, 1 year being the longest she had ever gone before this one. So after much thought she broke up the realtionship, said everything my girlfriend told me (doesn't want to be with me, wants to be free, single, explore the world, feels trapped, incompatiable, you guys get it) to the guy. Well he tried for 2 straight months to win her heart back and she refused all of his advances. She even began to see another guy. Well all of a sudden he just stopped. I guess he instituted the no contact rule. He didn't do anything to win her back after he tried so hard and for so long. Well 1 week went by, then that became 2 weeks, finally a month went by without any contact from him. Within that one month she finally realized the actually true feelings that she had for him, it just took some space and time for her to realize that. She called him and they began talking again, taking everything slow. Eventually they got back together and he asked her to marry him, she said yes. The 3 months total they spent apart from each other (2 months of him pursuing, 1 month no contact) made them both better people, and taught them alot.

 

After hearing her story, it gave me such hope that things could have a chance to work out. I mean here is a success story right before my eyes. The only bad thing about this is, is that it might give me a little too much hope, I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing for me right now. But she did tell me this, even though the story that she just told me was very inspirational, the best method is to move on, and try to forget about her, it, the whole situation. It will make both of you better people. She also told me that the best way to show her that I really do love her and respect her wishes was to leave her alone. She will come to the decision of whether it will work out or not. And until she is ready, I can't do anything about it and waiting for her call for too long is not good for my health.

 

Hope this helps out someone out there, it did for me, a little bit at least. What I believe is that you should never give up hope, never give up your dreams. Without them we would just be shells of our former selfs.

 

P.S. The new guy I'm pretty sure that she is dating is a total loser. He is younger (me 25, him 22), has no job, money, clothes, nothing. I mean if he was richer, better looking, something, I could say to myself, hey at least she got with someone better than me, but this isn't the case. Now do I should like a total jerk-self serving for saying this? Looking at what I just wrote it sure seems like it to me. Or is this just a natural feeling, no matter what kind of guy she ended up with?

 

Thanks for all the support and help, hope for more and good luck

[Sizz813]

Just wanted to update - I haven't contacted her yet, sticking by my guns, it has been 5 days now....it is soooo hard for me....I can only think about her and it is driving me crazy. It has affected me at work too. Everyone keeps asking me why I look so sad all the time......

 

You know what is crazy? I get these feelings of pain all through my chest when I think about what I threw away/lost. It brings me to my knees sometimes, feels like a heartattack...I dont like the feeling..

 

Sometimes I get feelings of just ending it, has anyone else had these feelings? It just goes through my mind that it would be easier just to end it all than face this pain/loss. I know that would be the cowards way out..doesn't help that my family has a history of suicide huh.

 

Has anyone here tried medication like zoloft/paxil/prozac? does it really help at all?

 

How can she tell me that she doesn't love me anymore after 5 years of being together? That is pretty harsh, I mean if she was going to break up, then break up, but why would you want to put someone down so much like that? Isnt that kinda f'd up or what? I mean say it isn't working out, need to move on, need to be free (which she all said), I mean I guess thats what people say when they break up, but why make it like the ultimate personal slap in the face with the 'dont love you anymore' line? Does she want to make it absolutely clear or what? Is she trying to make herself feel better or strike home the point more or what....

 

Sorry about the rant/rave. I feel so lost. This might sound kinda stupid, sorry, but it seems like the people I read about and the people responding to my posts have become like friends/family, I mean you guys/girls are here for me and that means alot. sorry for sounding so mushy, it isn't usually like me.

 

It is like 2 hours before I have to go into work and I'm still awake analyzing everything in our relationship. What went wrong? I need to write everything down and make sure I never do these things again. I mean why was I such a prick to her? Why was I so jealous and possesive all the time? I should have given her space when she needed it. I guess I learned too late, I don't know. Is there still a chance?

 

I mean I did good things too. We did spend 5 years together and she was there for me when no one else was. She cared for me when I was sick, when it seemed like nothing was going right.

 

I havent ate anything in like 2 weeks, since the breakup. I have went from 178 to 164, not too healthy huh. Today I ate something substantial for the first time, me and my brother went to go eat some pizza. He knows I was feeling down and wanted to take me out. The thing that sucked the most in the whole world was that we went to this new pizza place in town and they had this special way to make the pizza so that it is thin crust style in the middle (crispy) and like thick pan on the edges, really good. Well what sucked about that was that its the style of pizza that my girlfriend loved the most, she really likes thin crust pizza, I dont like it personally. I just kept staring at the pizza and thinking about her and I felt the tears beginning to form, and my brother asked what was wrong and I told him that it was my girlfriends favortie style of pizza. Then he got mad at me for saying that and told me to just forget about it and enjoy the pizza. Needless to say I lost my appetite after that...

 

Why does this suck so much? why can't everything be cool and fun like it used to be? damm this sucks.

 

sorry again i don't mean to bring anyone down if I did, just it feels better talking about it..

 

talk to you later, stay strong and keep your hopes alive

 

 

[Sizz813]

Oh BTW, she still hasn't contacted me yet. Actually since the breakup about 2-3 weeks ago, she hasn't contacted me, just me calling her for that first 2 weeks doing the beggin pleading thing.

 

Here is something that I did in that first 2 weeks after the breakup - I thought it would be nice to buy her whole family some breakfast and bring it over in the morning. I knew what everyone liked (mom, dad, brother, her) and bought it and went over to drop it off in the morning. I had a strong relationship with her family and spent much time and nights at their house when I didn't go home. When I rang the bell, her mom answered and said that I wouldn't be able to see or talk to my girlfriend. She also told me that I couldn't come in and she couldn't accept the food. Well after much persuasion, I convinced her to take the breakfast and just left. What do you think about this?

 

I have a couple more things that I did during that first 2 weeks of begging ,gift giving, just want to know what you thought of this before I share my other experiences. Thanks.

 

 

[Sizz813]

Oh and also a side note I wanted to add. There have been numerous times during our relationship that I would go out and buy them breakfast and stop by to eat with them, so it isn't like something out of the blue that I would do, kinda normal? I guess.

 

thanks.

[cassiana]

Dear Size 813

 

Family is family. They or may not love you to bits but when she dumps you the family have to go along. I accidently bumped into my exs mother, nephew and sister about 10 days after the breakup. I did'nt ask after him and we were all very polite. As his mother left she said, I hope I will see you again. I knew then that they were on my side and I don't think I would have got that unless I had been restrained. Restraint is everything in this game. Okay you acted a bit bezerk those first two weeks but now you know, restraint.

1. make absolutely no contact. She knows where you are and how you feel.

2. Do not pop up everywhere like a stalker.

3. If you do meet or she contacts you, be friendly but aloof. Let her initiate any conversation about returning.

 

I'm 2 1\2 months into no contact. My ex is doing a course so I know I can expect nothing until that ends. It has been sheer hell. There is the lack of appetite, crying, frustration, anger etc etc. Do not resort to pills, you don't need them because what you feel is natural. If you suppress it you will never be able to cope with life. If you survive it, you will be a stronger person. When things are really bad, click on here and see that it doesn't matter what age or gender you are you can be treated like this and hurt. We are all dragging ourselves along too.

I'm proud of myself though. I know if I win him back that he will not treat me so lightly again. Right now he needs to do his course and see that the grass isn't as green on the other hill. When he comes back to my green hill there will be a very big admittance fee.

[a_little_sparrow]

Sizz813,

 

Everything you are doing is perfectly normal. During the first two weeks we all go into panic mode--just look at how you phrased it: begging pleading mode. The important thing is not to worry about what you did. Seriously, have no regrets for your decisions. And don't think that ANYONE thinks anything less of you for your what you did. I'd say almost everyone has been through a breakup at some point in their life, including her parents, and they can understand how difficult this is for you.

 

But their job is to stick by their daughter.

 

I know, and everyone who has responded to your posts knows, this much pain shouldn't be normal. The days after the breakup I would just lie on my couch and I couldn't move, I couldn't sleep, I lost 15 pounds in three days, I was having diarrhea (gross I know but the body does weird things), I wanted to do nothing. And yes extreme thoughts would run through my mind. My father said he could probably find a way to get me some anti-anxiety medicine, but I said no. If there's anything you can take comfort from, this kind of pain TEACHES you. And even though you didn't really ask for these lessons, and you would have been happy to grow comforted by a nice, loving relationship, life hasn't been so kind. Think about yourself.

 

Think about why you get jealous and possessive. I know I lost my exex gf because I was jealous and controlling. And I still haven't resolved those issues. I can't tell exactly where they come from, but there's definitely a lot of insecurity, a lot of things I need to learn about myself. Think about those things in yourself.

 

And think about what you like about yourself. And think about those things you thought you should do for yourself but you didn't feel you have the time.

 

One last thing I want to comment on is hope. You mentioned the success story in one of your posts. I think we've all heard success stories like that, and that's why we're in this particular forum. I have a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her, and then a couple weeks ago (it has been two months since they broke up) he contacted her and they're dating again. When she told me this story my first response was, "So he just called you?" Yep. Or as another friend said from the front seat, "Darn right he called her."

 

It's OK to hope. Especially if you use it to keep yourself from calling her or contacting her. I have no regrets for anything I've done through this breakup. I've buckled on I think three different ultimatums I gave her--one of them being that I would never agree to a break, it would have to be a breakup. Another being that a breakup is final, I would never take her back. Both of those I came back and said I was wrong, she's worth it, she's different. In the face of love we're all weak.

 

And hope may look like one of those weaknesses. Because none of us wants to be that fool who invested so much of himself in false hopes. Well, I'll be thought a fool, and I'll be proud of being foolish whether she ends up coming back or not. Because what this foolishness tells me, what this hope tells me, is that I truly love her. And it's painful to see that now, when she's gone from my life, but it teaches me to be thankful for what I had. And for the future, to cherish the woman I'm with. I don't know if I could ever again take such a wonderful woman for granted.

 

There are various paths you can take as you go through this breakup. With the exex I've spoken of I went straight from begging and pleading to extreme anger. Granted, I know now that that was a relationship that needed to end. And I knew it at that time. But that anger stayed with me for a LONG time. Four months later I was still waking up, and the first thought in my mind was how she had done me wrong. There weren't questions about what I could have done differently, it was all her fault.

 

I have avoided anger during this breakup. Partly because my ex has done nothing that I should be angry with her for. Partly because I feel the anger keeps me from addressing things about myself. I'm sure everyone has different takes on this. But from experience, I would rather deal with the sadness of this unrequited love, salve it at times with the hope that she might come back, and then deal with the reality of the situation. She's gone, and I need to see the good in myself, and I need to see what I can try to make better about myself.

 

These first days of no contact are dreadful. And during those first days, I would come to this site and think I could never make it to a point like cassiana--2 1/2 months! But I know I'll make it there. And sizz813, you're going to make it there too. We'll both make it because in relation to the ex it's the only option left. It's OK to still love her. It's OK to have hopes. But those have to be for yourself only--they have to be a part of yourself that you learn eventually to put on a shelf while you work on the other parts of yourself. I had this wonderful realization when I was talking with my dad about my breakup. I have told my ex that I'm leaving the door open. And what I realized on talking with my dad is that I can leave the door open, but that doesn't mean I need to be standing at the door waiting for her to come back. I know where you are right now sizz813, and it's so painful. I would feel like bolts of firy electricity were streaking accross my brain. My dad, when I was at this point, said maybe I should go down and change my tires over and over--some mindless activity to focus me on something else.

 

Whatever you do, just know that my prayers are with you. This pain slows your life to a crawl, but you will get through it.

[Sizz813]

Well just to update, it has been 1 week since NC started for me. It has slowly gotten better, than all of a sudden the despair comes back like waves of darkness of my shores of grief. There has been no contact from her, no surprise there. Also I am pretty sure that she is seeing someone else, I was talking to a friend about my situation and was telling him about all the different things that we fought about and came to a realization about something that I hadn't thought of before. She had become very hostile towards me during the past year and would snap at anything that I said to her. Also she would like to disappear, turn off her phone. Also the sex stopped between us. She wouldn't want to hold hands, kiss, touch each other at all. I think that we slept together maybe 4 times in the past year. She would always tell me that she wasn't in the mood/all that I thought about was sex/etc..etc.. Why didn't I see this coming from a mile away? She was seeing someone else, right?

 

I am pretty sure that she has moved in with this guy. Reason being is that she lives right next to me with her parents and I have to drive by her house all the time (well I guess I don't have to, I could take a alternate route, but it is the best way to get to work, home, and the only way that I have taken since forever) Well since she broke up with me I have noticed that her car wouldn't be home when I was getting off of work (usually midnight), nor when I would leave in the morning. But for the past week, it hasn't even been there at all, not once. Do you think she is living with someone else now? I can't think of any friends at all that she would move in with, not one. So it has to be this guy right? (I heard he has his own apartment somewhere) What do you think?

 

Am I crazy or what? What should I do? Thanks

[Sizz813]

Sorry about the last post, it must seem like I'm a crazy idiot. I will not drive by her house, or anything like that ever again, I will not contact her family or her friends, (I haven't since starting no contact). I will not do anything that would jepordize any chances that I have of getting back with her again. I will not bug her, beg her, or plead anymore. I will not send anymore gifts or cards.

 

She does mean everything to me, I just can't express how much in words.

 

I will not be a super jealous, controlling, question freak anymore, I promise on my grandfathers grave (I know that is a bad thing to say, but he was always good to me and I hope he understands, hi grandpa )

 

I will not be a stupid idiot anymore and take peope for granted

 

I will learn to express my emotions and not keep everything pent up inside.

 

I will learn to think from the other persons viewpoint and emphathize with their feelings.

 

I will learn and do the things that make her happy, and not be so selfish in wanting everything for myself.

 

I am not always right.

 

I will not be that person ever again.

 

I know that is the person that she fell in love with, the good and bad parts of me, but I will NOT be that person ever again.

 

I will be a better man and learn from my mistakes, and not repeat them.

 

I will get myself out of this hole I'm in and succeed and be something.

 

I will make all my dreams and hopes come true with hard work and patience.

 

I am a good person, I am caring, giving, smart, funny, charming, and have a good future ahead of me. I am great with children and want a family. I don't do drugs, drink, or anything bad (except smoke cigarettes). I am not a violent person. I don't ever cuss. I am adventerous and like to try new things all the time.

 

I will not be late.

 

I will not be self serving and look for the good in others.

 

thanks for being here guys, it really helps, just venting.

[Sizz813]

Just thinking about the last contact I got from her, it was an e-mail that she sent to me. I know it might seem kinda private to some, but I would like to know what you think of this letter and any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thanks....

 

"Sam I know that you still love me, but could you please stop telling that to me. We are not together anymore, and for me its meaningless. I know your trying to make things better, But in all honesty it is not going to change anything. I'm single and I'm going to go out there and see what life has to offer. I'm not going to give you false hopes that we are going to get back, because Sam we are not. I'm moving on, and I know that you hate that but I have to because it is what has to be done. Please for me, move on to. I'm no longer yours, I haven't been for a while now. Stop, Sam please stop.

Take Care, e-mail me whenever you want,

Tiffany "

[Sizz813]

Another thing, would anyone like to read the 'final' letter that I sent to her and let me know what you think? It is about 6 pages long. Or I can post it here? Just let me know, thanks.

[Sizz813]

Well I was being in my depressed mood all day at work yesterday when I got a phone call from my friend asking how I was/what I was doing. I told him that I was just sitting at home doing nothing. Well he lives about an hour away from me and told me that he was at my local Starbucks with 2 of his friends. I asked who he was with since we share mutual friends, he told me that I didn't know them, but to come out and meet them. I asked again who it was and he told me that it was two girls that he met up with and for me to come out and meet them. Wow, I didn't know what to say at first. I am still in mourning/depressed/sad and I didn't know if I could take going out and meeting some girls in the state I was in. Well after much convincing I decided to go out and meet them. I met them up at the starbucks and there were 2 really really cute girls sitting there, and I was like woah. We chilled out and drank some coffee and talked for a bit. Went to a nearby mall and strolled around, then went to dinner. Had a blast. The girl that was I guess going with me was totally cool and we hit it off pretty well. We talked about alot of different things and it felt really really weird to me, a girl being nice to me and digging me after my ex was so mean to me all the time. It was really cool. Afterwards she gave me her number and told me to call. We made a date for this Sat to go out and eat, she wants to go to Black Angus because she has never been there before, likes steak and heard that place is the bomb, (its ok). I am so happy/confused. what do you think about all this? Is it a good idea to go out with someone so soon after breaking up with a 5 year relationship? What is weird to me is that I was thinking about her the whole time on the way home and I was like laying down in my bed staring at the ceiling, just daydreaming. It was really cool. It seems kinda wrong to me though, since I still have these very strong feelings for my ex and want to make it work. I guess its kind of hard considering the fact that she wants nothing at all to do with me, and is with another guy now. Please some advice would be really appreciated!

 

P.S. 9 days of NC so far and still going.

[Sizz813]

What did I do? It has been 13 days of NC for me and I broke down and actually called her. What was I thinking? Her mom answered the phone and told me that she wasn't home. She then proceeded to tell me that she has been very busy with her life. I didn't officially talk to her, but is talking to her mom considered the same thing? We spoke for probably like 20 secs. What do you think I should do? Just maintain NC? I wanted to wish her a happy July 4th. We have always spent it together for the past 5 years watching the fireworks/family BBQ/etc... Do you think this is a good idea? Please advise, thank you.