Boyfriends role with my son

[LostLeo42]

I wasn't sure if this belongs here or under parenting and families.

 

Summary of situation:

I have been with my BF for 4 years. I have a 5 year old son. My son's biological father has no part in my son's life - never has and never will.

I told my BF when we started dating 4 years ago that my son and I are a package deal. He told me he wanted a future with both of us.

I know he loves my son. He buys him things all the time, he tries to include him in our plans. I feel like part of his responsibility to me and to the relationship includes doing guy things with my son, like throwing pitches to him or just spending time alone with him doing guy things - whatever they are. He says that it's my responsibility and that even though I am female there is no reason why I can't do these things. My reponse is that I don't know the proper way to bat or pitch and that I rely on the man in my life to do at least some of this type of stuff.

 

We had an argument about this last night and he brought up the fact that his real father does nothing - and he is the one I should be going after to do this stuff. I thought that was a really low blow. I expect the man in my life to step up, act like a postive male role model and for the 3 of us to behave like we are some sort of a "family". I told him if he doesn't that responsibility that maybe he should date someone without kids. He stormed out.

 

I sent him a text explaining that if I have to be both mom and dad, that I really don't have time to date. That if I am going to take time and attention away from my son for a relationship, that I expect him to return some of that time in the form of attention to my son. Am I wrong? Are there men that do marry or move in with women and eventually treat their children as one of their own? Or am I dreaming?

[Papillion]

No, you're not dreaming. There are some of us out there who are behaving exactly as you want your man to behave.

 

How disappointing for you. All i can say is, i totally agree with your position and i think your dude is being very unreasonable, and a bit unkind to be honest. Its not the sort of commitment you expect is it.

 

I am on my second marriage, and my wife has a son from a previous relationship. I also have a son and a daughter from my first marriage. My two kids only join us on the weekends, the rest of the time they are with their mother. Whereas my wife's son lives with us the entire time, because his father died 3 years ago.

 

So maybe it's easier for me, because there is noone else in my stepson's life to provide that father figure, positive male role model. But i treat him like he's my own and i do all sorts of guy things with him.

 

This is what your man should be doing, and i'm sorry to hear that he's being difficult.

 

Does he have children of his own? What age is he?

[lostnscared]

I don't think your "dreaming". I think what he said was a low blow too. HOWEVER he is not your husband. He is your boyfriend. And he is not the father of this child, thus it is not necessarily his responsibility to play "father" to him. Yes your son is a part of the packaged deal, but that doesn't include your bf(not your husband) having to play the father role, it just means that he and your son should get along and that he should not be bothered by you having a child, and be understanding and accepting that your son will come first.

But you cannot expect this man, who is not married to you, who has not adopted your son--to take on the father role. As your boyfriend, yes he does and should include your son in activities, respect the fact that you have a son, like your son, and accept that your son will most often come before your relationship with him. But that is where the line should be drawn.

Until your bf marries you, and/or adopts your son as his own, he does NOT have to be a father to him or play baseball with him unless he wants to.

I'm not saying this in a mean way at all, but from an outsider perspective, if I had a child I would not expect my bf to be the child's father. Though if I married that bf, and that bf adopted that son as his own, that is when I would EXPECT it.

Additionally I think the deeper issue here is that after 4 years what is his commitment toward you and your son? Is he going to marry you, adopt your son? What is his intention? Has he expressed an interest in adopting your son? Is he committed to being a family.

If not I'd say that yes you need to be the father to this boy AND the mother and then leave this guy alone. I see no reason why you would date a man for this long, while wanting that man to be a father figure to your son--if that man had no intentions to do so.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you are being too harsh on him. He has indeed stepped up to the plate. He just has no interest in doing guy things. Maybe he is bad at sports, maybe he hates sports, maybe he hates gender stereotyping where a boy is "required" to do manly things like sports. Why would you throw away a good man who is showing warmth and caring for your son simply because he doesn't want to do guy things with him.

[LostLeo42]

He has two grown daughters and a granddaughter that is almost 2. His sister was killed by her husband and at the time she had 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls that were aged 4, 5, 6, 7. He played a great part in raising the 2 boys. They are now in their 20's. I think that at this point he has already raised his and doesn't want to do it anymore. I think he is just too tired. But he shouldn't be with me if that is the case. He should be with someone whose children are grown.

[Papillion]

He has two grown daughters and a granddaughter that is almost 2. His sister was killed by her husband and at the time she had 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls that were aged 4, 5, 6, 7. He played a great part in raising the 2 boys. They are now in their 20's. I think that at this point he has already raised his and doesn't want to do it anymore. I think he is just too tired. But he shouldn't be with me if that is the case. He should be with someone whose children are grown.

 

i think you may be right

 

sadly, i think you need to either accept his position or move on and find a guy who will show more commitment to your son.

[LostLeo42]

We will never get married because he doesn't want to get married again. He did it once, lost a great deal financially and refuses to do it again. But he says he is committed to me and will be with me forever. I don't see why a marriage certificate should make any difference in the role he plays with my son.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He has two grown daughters and a granddaughter that is almost 2. His sister was killed by her husband and at the time she had 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls that were aged 4, 5, 6, 7. He played a great part in raising the 2 boys. They are now in their 20's. I think that at this point he has already raised his and doesn't want to do it anymore. I think he is just too tired. But he shouldn't be with me if that is the case. He should be with someone whose children are grown.

 

He probably did not expect that being with you also meant that you expected him to act like a father to your son.

[LostLeo42]

I think you are being too harsh on him. He has indeed stepped up to the plate. He just has no interest in doing guy things. Maybe he is bad at sports, maybe he hates sports, maybe he hates gender stereotyping where a boy is "required" to do manly things like sports. Why would you throw away a good man who is showing warmth and caring for your son simply because he doesn't want to do guy things with him.

 

I'm not sure why this is bothering me. He is good to him, loves him. Maybe if I spend less time with him and more with my son just the two of us I will feel better. I feel like when he is over I have to pay attention to him and my son gets ignored a little. Its really hard to manage dating and raising a child on your own.

[CatsMeeoow]

exactly......

[LostLeo42]

He probably did not expect that being with you also meant that you expected him to act like a father to your son.

 

I made that clear to him when we started dating, that I wasn't just going to leave my son alone and go out on dates all the time. I think it bothers me too that this guy has been in my life since my son was just 1 year old. They have bonded quite a bit. I feel like it is wasted time that he could have bonded with some other guy that does want to be like a father. He will never get those years back.

[lostnscared]

We will never get married because he doesn't want to get married again. He did it once, lost a great deal financially and refuses to do it again. But he says he is committed to me and will be with me forever. I don't see why a marriage certificate should make any difference in the role he plays with my son.

 

It's not really the marriage so much the fact that typically when someone marries you and adopts your son they are essentially saying "I'm committed to you and your son and to being a family" in actions not so much words.

 

Someone can say they are committed but NOT really be committed. actions speak louder than words.

 

And while a marriage doesn't mean that he'll necessarily become a father over night. It does mean that he at least took a step in committing himself to you and your son, as does, adopting your son.

 

I would never(for myself) expect a boyfriend even a LTR to completely fulfill the role of being a parent to my child UNTIL and UNLESS they were my husband and they had adopted the child as their own.

 

Up until that point, I'd want them to have a relationship, a friendship, and be accepting and understanding of the situation and of my child. But I wouldn't ask them nor would I expect for them to be the child's parent.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I made that clear to him when we started dating, that I wasn't just going to leave my son alone and go out on dates all the time. I think it bothers me too that this guy has been in my life since my son was just 1 year old. They have bonded quite a bit. I feel like it is wasted time that he could have bonded with some other guy that does want to be like a father. He will never get those years back.

 

That is VERY different from expecting him to go out with him on his own to play baseball and to do father-son type bonding. He has indeed honoured your expectation that you would not leave your son out in the cold and that your son would be included. You did not make the other expectation clear to him, however. Maybe had you made it clear to him that you expected the man to bond with your son as if he was his own and to do father-son things alone with him then he might have chosen not to be with you. So this is not entirely his fault. Your complete expectations were not spelled out to him. I think you are putting unfair total blame on your bf.

[Siriana]

Honestly, no you are not wrong. You want a bigger commitment than he's willing to make and yes, you have a right to ask for it.

The way I see it is that 5 years of dating, no matter whether you're married or not, is a long time and asks some sort of responsibility and seriousness. He knew you have a son and what to expect so he wasn't caught off guard. You don't date someone when their child is only 1 year old without realising that if you plan to be in a long term relationship you won't be able to be just a bystander in kids life while enjoying the privileges of dating a mom. Thats why many guys don't want to date single moms. They realise it requires spending quality time with their children too.

Unfortunately he doesn't want that much of responsibility nor realises he should of thought about it long time before.

It's up to you what you're gonna do about it.

 

Personally if it were me I wouldn't be able to agree to his terms. As you said you can't date him casually and be a full time mom and dad at the same time. His words about the real dad would hurt too much. It would be like he really showed me what my place in his life is.

[lostnscared]

That is VERY different from expecting him to go out with him on his own to play baseball and to do father-son type bonding. He has indeed honoured your expectation that you would not leave your son out in the cold and that your son would be included. You did not make the other expectation clear to him, however. Maybe had you made it clear to him that you expected the man to bond with your son as if he was his own and to do father-son things alone with him then he might have chosen not to be with you. So this is not entirely his fault. Your complete expectations were not spelled out to him. I think you are putting unfair total blame on your bf.

 

I agree. You made it clear to him that he had to bond with your son and include him in your dates. He did that and has been sticking by that agreement since you've been with him. But you did NOT make it clear that by being your boyfriend he would also have to be a father to your boy and parent him.

And now as he's older, you want him to be a father to your son. That wasn't in the game plan.

Like I said, it's time that you find out what his true intentions are with your son.

 

Are his intentions REALLY to be a father, or to just have a "relationship" with him. Is he truly committed to being your son's father or is he just going through the motions and sticking by your agreement.

 

If not then this isn't the right man for you or your situation.

 

I know it feels like a waste, because of the bonding that went on.

 

In the future, I wouldn't introduce your son to the fellow your dating until that fellow makes it clear that he has intentions to father a child, parent a child, and include the child in activities--hence committing to your son and you. Until that point, don't allow your child to bond with anyone you date.

 

Good luck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, I just looked back at your other threads and realized that there is much more to this issue than him not wanting to play baseball with your son. You have had a volatile relationship with this man for a long time and he has constantly disappointed you. Some recent threads seem to indicate that there was a breakup and you were in NC...so now it seems you are back together. Judging from what you wrote before, it sounds to me like you don't want to start over again and look for someone new so you have stuck it out with this guy even though he has not treated you right. Don't turn this into an "all about my son" issue...because judging from your previous threads, this is more about the overall character of this man and his view of this relationship in general.

[LostLeo42]

QUOTE=lostnscared;4355096]

 

Are his intentions REALLY to be a father, or to just have a "relationship" with him. Is he truly committed to being your son's father or is he just going through the motions and sticking by your agreement.

 

I'm sure he doesn't want to play the father role. I just wanted him to take a little more of a personal interest in him - but I guess you can't force that, it has to come naturally. To be honest, if it were the other way around I'm not sure I could really love someone else's child. I guess I thought since he has known him for so long, he watched him grow up so far, that it would just be natural.

 

n the future, I wouldn't introduce your son to the fellow your dating until that fellow makes it clear that he has intentions to father a child, parent a child, and include the child in activities--hence committing to your son and you. Until that point, don't allow your child to bond with anyone you date.

 

The only reason I introduced them was because I knew this guy long before we started dating so he was already around him. If I were to date someone else I would wait until things were serious.

[LostLeo42]

Okay, I just looked back at your other threads and realized that there is much more to this issue than him not wanting to play baseball with your son. You have had a volatile relationship with this man for a long time and he has constantly disappointed you. Some recent threads seem to indicate that there was a breakup and you were in NC...so now it seems you are back together. Judging from what you wrote before, it sounds to me like you don't want to start over again and look for someone new so you have stuck it out with this guy even though he has not treated you right. Don't turn this into an "all about my son" issue...because judging from your previous threads, this is more about the overall character of this man and his view of this relationship in general.

 

 

That is true, there has been a long list of problems. This is just my latest complaint. It is probably time for me to move on. I am trying to justify making this decision.

[lavenderdove]

I would guess this is an age gap relationship since he has grandkids and your son is only 5.

 

This may also be that what he wants is a 'companion', not another wife and family. And the fact that he says he will never marry due to financial loss, indicates that should something happen to him, his money/inheritence will go to his kids and not to you and your son.

 

I think a deeper issue is you want an husband and father to your son, and he just wants a companion in his older years. Those are two incompatible goals. If you want someone who acts like a husband and father (and shares with you both to the level a husband and father shares their lives/actions/assets), then this guy just isn't the one for you.

 

Frankly, unless you are older yourself and have considerable assets such that you don't care if he dies and leaves everything to his own kids and excludes you, then i would go looking for a man who wants a true partner, not just a companion. Two entirely different things.

[FreedomRing]

Okay, I just looked back at your other threads and realized that there is much more to this issue than him not wanting to play baseball with your son. You have had a volatile relationship with this man for a long time and he has constantly disappointed you. Some recent threads seem to indicate that there was a breakup and you were in NC...so now it seems you are back together. Judging from what you wrote before, it sounds to me like you don't want to start over again and look for someone new so you have stuck it out with this guy even though he has not treated you right. Don't turn this into an "all about my son" issue...because judging from your previous threads, this is more about the overall character of this man and his view of this relationship in general.

 

Indeed. OP, were you on here with another screenname?

 

Your story & relationship background sounds familiar of another poster here, who was CONSTANTLY breaking up, going NC, and accepting horrible treatment from a man who clearly was not interested in being a permanent fixture in her life.

 

The same poster was also repeatedly recognizing how the treatment was unfair and how she should be spending more time with her son, as he was a bit neglected due to her relationship with this "bf". I truly hope you do decide to focus more on your son, as for now, until you do get married and your husband decides he'd like to up the commitment to you and your son, YOU ARE mom & dad. To put the onus on your bf is ludicrous.

[LostLeo42]

Landerlove - he is 7 years older than me. I had my son late in life. He had his kids early and his daughter had a baby at 19. I don't think 7 years is all that much. I don't need/want his money. I have a great career and make probably more than he does. I also get child support from my son's father - at least he does that. Plus he should give all his money to his children. I would expect that.

 

He probably does just want a companion. Sometimes that is all I want too. I know I can be difficult and at 42 I don't know if I could ever life with anyone. But there are other times when I have fantasies about having a perfect life with a husband who adores my son. Sometimes I really don't want to share my son. I want to parent him all by myself - it's easier with just 2, there are no discussions involving discipline and so forth - it's my way and that is tha. Sometimes I feel like its really hard to split my attention between the two of them. Maybe this is just the way it has to be - my punishment for being a single mom.

[LostLeo42]

Thanks for the replies. Seems the majority of you feel like I am asking too much of him. I probably am. I will cut back on seeing him and concentrate more on my little guy. He will probably never be any good at sports since I know nothing, but I will try my best.

[FreedomRing]

You avoided my initial question...........but that's alright

 

Why do you have such a defeatist attitude? If you or your 'bf' doesn't toss the ball around with your son, he will suck at sports? How's that? Be resourceful. The responsibility lies with you. If you can't toss the ball around with your son(which I'm sure he'd love just that mommie is outside playing with him)then why can't you do like other 2 parent households or even 1 and sign your son up for community sports, where he'd be learning from an actual coach and with others his own age???? Don't play victim here......and your son should be the person that suffers the least in this equation.

[LostLeo42]

Freedom ring, I don't have another screen name. I've tried to sign him up for group community sports. He won't go. I signed him up for swimming lessons and he wouldn't go in the pool. I kept taking him thinking eventually he would get in but he refused and made such a scene I stopped going. He won't even really play sports with other children anymore since his cousin was making fun of the way he plays. I bought a pitching machine but it's hard to use. I am a really girlie female. I don't know anything about sports, how to play them or even professional sports. Never watched a game of any kind in my life. I'm worried becasue all my son wants to do is color and watch TV. He came up to my BF last night and wanted to kick the ball, but my BF shooed him away. Thats what started the argument.

[prettymommy]

My son was the same way when he was 5... he got easily embarressed if he made an error while playing a sport. Often times, he refused to participate in practice, or a game, if he felt he didn't perform well. Tantrums, etc., the whole deal. He just a bit of a perfectonist and didn't know how to handle his emotions at the time. The good news is all kids that go through this stage grow out of it.

 

Anyways... first of all, don't let your son play with his cousin anymore if his cousin is making fun of him. Totally will undermine your son's confidence, and that can have ramifications for years. Sounds like you are already seeing some of that now...

 

Second, if you or your bf won't play ball with him... what about another family member (and uncle or aunt) or a good friend? If that isn't an option, what about some after school program where there is informal sports organized (like at the Y or something)? Or heck- if you can afford it- private lessons with a high school kid or something? You just want to get him in a positive environment that will boost his self esteem a bit when it comes to sports.

 

Freedom Ring is right though; the onus here really is on you, not your bf. If you won't do it, who else will?