She wants her stuff back

[LONEMAN]

First post on here. It's an interesting place and has helped somewhat with what I'm going through right now. Not going to get into the details of the relationship in this post, (may post about it separately) but someone that I loved ended the relationship even though we were happy, compatible, never fought, and had great sex. I live in a house alone, and she lives with roommates, so she was usually over here and I knew at some point that she had to get her stuff back. She's been very cold and distant lately and we've been in NC except for two emails. Tells me in the end of one email that she'd appreciate it if I could drop off the stuff at her parents' place.

 

Now, we were together for nine months and she ended it about a month ago. I am broken hearted but have tried to move on, however I'm not quite sure of the best way to go about giving her stuff back. I've helped her out with a lot of things throughout the relationship and put in effort to make things easier for her. If I felt we truly weren't right for each other, then doing what she requested wouldn't be a problem, but I feel that I'm making it to easy for her. While she may appreciate me doing what was asked, I wonder if it would do either of us any good for her to come here and go through my house to get her stuff so that she can feel the pain. As much as I hate the thought of causing somebody that I love pain, I would like some input on what you guys think about this situation, keeping in mind that it was a happy relationship. Yes, I do want her back because I thought we were gonna be together for a really long time and grow from it, but I have to let her go.

[Puckdog27]

Welcome to ENA....sorry about your situation.

 

Im not sure what your asking for in this thread, but the one thing I picked up is you feel if she comes there she will feel the pain. There is no way to know that for sure. She may come and seem very carefree and or cold about the situation and I think that would leave you further disappointed and hurt. I think you should just drop her stuff off and leave this one be for a while.

[LONEMAN]

Thanks for the reply. Let me add on to the above post by saying that I would like input on what you guys would do or have done when it came time to give someone's stuff back. It would be more for her than for me- I've let her go, but would like to leave an imprint on her so she knows that I haven't let her go that easily.

[1MoreChance]

I'm sorry about your breakup.

 

this is what I think/have learned:

 

1) her stuff is hers, your stuff is yours - pun intended. Give her her stuff asap, in the simplest, quickest, most painfree way as possible. separate you life from hers, asap, or you will prolong your pain. trying to cause her pain by coming to your house etc., will only mess things up even more. believe me, I have been through that... many here have... it won't work. drop her stuff off somewhere if you can so you don't have to see her.

 

2) if she felt as you do (that the relationship was great), she wouldn't have left. Most of us go through a really dark period of denial and confusion when we are left by someone we want to be with. We just don't get it. I went through that of course. he never came back.

 

3) the more you try to pull her into your pain, the more you try to make her see she is wrong for leaving, that the relationship was wonderful etc., the more resistance you will create. If you really wanna hold on to the hope she will come back, let her go completelly. cliché right? true though. let her go and do your grieving.

 

4) whatever you do it will be ok as long as you do not try to cause harm to yourslef or her. Let time pass, do your best, and learn your lessons.

 

5) the pain will go away with time. It's been .. oh, 2 years that he left? I'm ok now. it no longer hurts. read my posts from 1 year, 2 years ago, I was in so much pain it was unbelieveable. It will get better. and you will be ok. Learn from your experience.

[Live-N-Learn]

Has she asked for her stuff? Not that it matters. You should get all the reminders of her out of your life. Try to get her stuff to her without having to see her or talk to her. You are in too much pain still and will cause more damage.

[pat7x]

Personally, I actually gave all her stuff to a mutual friend I knew she was going to see soon, without telling her... I didn't want to meet her, and I doubt it is a good idea. I don't think that wanting to influence her feelings is a really good idea, let her miss you, without you right now, keep going with the no contact... that's what I personnally think.

[LONEMAN]

Personally, I'm not in that much pain although it has not been easy. She's leaving the country anyway. Spent the last couple of weeks planning the trip after the breakup which is part of why I've let her go. While dropping off her stuff would be the easiest method for me over the short run, I get this nagging feeling that won't go away- that while she clearly ended it, my job isn't done- that I have to give her that push for her to blossom as an individual. I wanted friendship from the very beginning, so this situation is the exact opposite of what I thought would ever happen if we were to part ways. She keeps saying she wants to be friends, and of course, what Aquarius doesn't?

[1MoreChance]

I don't get it.

 

what "push"?

 

you mentionned wanting her to feel pain, etc...

 

you mentionned that you had such a great relationship etc.....

 

I don't understand, sorry, wish I could help.

[LONEMAN]

Our connection was very deep and we were always good at analyzing each others' needs to grow because we knew each other very well. She tends to go in circles because of who she is but needs that little extra push so she can be comfortable and happy. The relationship itself was great, but she was hard on herself and I would step aside instead of helping her with her imperfections which hinder her happiness and growth because she was perfect as a person to me.

 

My thoughts were her to feel it emotionally if she came here to get her stuff even though it may cause her to put up a wall. Maybe this would cause her to question her actions, but don't think I'm going to do it because she did ask for her things to be dropped off at her parents'.

 

I brought that wall down once shortly after she said she just wanted to be friends and we had a great time together because we were so open with each other. I feel that my duty was to take care of her as a MAN and help her grow, so I want to do the best I can to help her while she is still here. Our connection is what kept us together, and the only way we could possibly be friends is if that connection remains strong. We did try to have a talk the last time, but I felt so disconnected from her because of that wall. It's only fair for the both of us to have a proper goodbye and I highly doubt she just doesn't care because that's not who she is.

 

Instead of her coming over here, I'm gonna have her meet me at a neutral place after I've dropped her stuff off. Just may have to start a new thread once this happens.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry for your pain right now. I do think that, when you are ready, you will make another woman very happy with your interest in mutual growth and communication.

[LONEMAN]

Dropped off her stuff at her parents'. It was what she asked for, and it was what I felt was best, and all of your posts have helped. I have started another thread about the current situation because she is leaving the country tomorrow: