A harsh lesson in NC

[completebroken]

I sent my ex a letter the day of our breakup that was everything I wanted it to be. Eloquent, complimentary, let her know that I was open to dating again if she changed her mind but wasn't going to force the issue. I got a great response back . . . and replied to it.

 

Then, after two days of no sleep and no eating, I replied to the next one seeing how I was doing and asking if there was anything I wanted to say by venting how I felt about how she chose to breakup with me.

 

I sent one today explaining that I hadn't slept in the past two days and she knew my writing style and those weren't it and it was angry, which I am not normally. I was angry but I didn't want her to know.

 

This is her response:

 

Thanks for your e-mail today. It's OK, e-mails aren't formal and I knew that those messages from yesterday were just an outpouring of feelings. Sometimes that's just what you need. The angry parts hurt a little, but mostly just because they showed how much hurt you were feeling. I know that I did the best I could, both for you and for me. And that's the best we can expect from ourselves, isn't it? I don't expect more than that from you. You're dealing with this the best way you can, and I'm glad to be able to support you as much as I can. You're a good man. I know it, and I won't forget it. Now it's time to let go for a while. I'll be there when you're ready, but right now, I think you need to stop writing to me, just for a while. Write for you, write for work, start working towards those good goals you have for your future....I wish you all good things....

 

So I went from the best ex ever to borderliine stalkerish in three days and I hope to win this one back

 

I hope it is fixable by NC and working on those goals and time going by without any repeats, it never came up in our relationship so this isn't a pattern, but let this be a lesson to you if not me. I blew it big time.

[lostnscared]

I told you in your other thread that it wasnt a good idea to reach out to her. Not until you've changed and actually achieved the goals you've set. Until then NC all the way. It will definitely work. You just have to stick with it. It's only been THREE days.

 

I don't think you came off stalkerish, but rather she could tell that by talking to her like you are, it is hindering you from moving forward and achieving the goals that you have in mind. She sounds like a nice woman. I think that she is right in everything she stated. Do NC and focus on yourself.

 

In two months you may not even want her anymore.

 

Good luck

[completebroken]

I told you in your other thread that it wasnt a good idea to reach out to her. Not until you've changed and actually achieved the goals you've set. Until then NC all the way. It will definitely work. You just have to stick with it. It's only been THREE days.

 

I don't think you came off stalkerish, but rather she could tell that by talking to her like you are, it is hindering you from moving forward and achieving the goals that you have in mind. She sounds like a nice woman. I think that she is right in everything she stated. Do NC and focus on yourself.

 

In two months you may not even want her anymore.

 

Good luck

 

I know you had said that. I hadn't slept and it made sense when I was doing it which is the bane of all people on NC I am guessing. And she is a good woman, and the best GF I have ever had. I knew I wanted to marry her.

 

It is a slippery slope with the NC. You send one email and then . . .

[fuddiduddy]

I wish my ex was as understanding of your pain as your ex was. Unfortunately, when I emotionally lashed out on him, he only lashed back and ended up telling me to never call or text him again; as if I was monster that had no right to be upset at being suddenly dumped and had no right to be angry at his post-breakup cold treatment.

 

I knew my anger was coming from a place of pain, but it seemed he didn't get it. This boggles my mind. And it's not like he's young and inexperienced. This man is almost 45!

 

He seemed so oblivious. Your ex was comparatively kind.

[completebroken]

Twenty four hours since the last emails. 1 full day of NC. This is hard. It feels like literally weeks since I heard from her

[ElleB]

You have to just keep going. When you feel yourself about to contact her, move away from the computer. Go and make some tea. Go and call a friend. That's what they're there for. When you feel yourself wanting to reach out to her direct that energy elsewhere. There are people who have been in NC for MONTHS on this forum before anything, if ever, happens. Nothing will ever happen unless you give yourself time to change and heal. It is unnatural for a human to experience the anguish of a break up and be fine to pick up and carry on less than a week later. Whilst your head might say yes, we're fine, c'mon we can do this, your heart is a totally different matter. When you break your leg (a fine example from Kalgan I believe), you wouldn't get up and walk on it straight away would you? No, you're told to rest and only once it's healed can you walk on it again.

Patience, time, self love, acceptance are the tools for making it through this and we're here to support you. You must stop contacting her now. She may be patient at the moment, but I am sure a point will reach, if you continue, where she will be like "ok stop now, leave me alone". I may have lost my guy but I will damned if I lose my dignity too. Be strong my dear, be strong. ((hugs))

[Ms Darcy]

What this sounds like is a woman who is pretty certain of her position and is planning on sticking to it. It's like she's saying, how can I help you process this break-up so that you are over it like I am?

 

I do not think that not contacting her will suddenly make her change her mind. If you had a solid relationship, she might reconsider her decision, but definitely give her space out of respect for her request and to help you heal.

[Puckdog27]

What this sounds like is a woman who is pretty certain of her position and is planning on sticking to it. It's like she's saying, how can I help you process this break-up so that you are over it like I am?

 

I do not think that not contacting her will suddenly make her change her mind. If you had a solid relationship, she might reconsider her decision, but definitely give her space out of respect for her request and to help you heal.

 

I TOTALLY agree with Ms Darcy here.....as I read your exes response what I got from it was "Im done, Im moving on, I tried and Im done trying, Im sorry that you hurt but its time to move on'

 

Honestly, I would let go of hope down the road and work on healing.

[completebroken]

What this sounds like is a woman who is pretty certain of her position and is planning on sticking to it. It's like she's saying, how can I help you process this break-up so that you are over it like I am?

 

I do not think that not contacting her will suddenly make her change her mind. If you had a solid relationship, she might reconsider her decision, but definitely give her space out of respect for her request and to help you heal.

 

I haven't contacted her since that email. It is hard but I am doing what the boards say and working out, making myself better. I am doing what she suggested too and writing for myself. I have written two fantastic stories just after breakups and I have another that is coming along well.

 

It is hard but it has been less than a week for me and since she is the one who broke up with me she is ahead in the moving on game so I will let her make the first move because she is in a better position to decide when she is ready.

[Puckdog27]

It is hard but it has been less than a week for me and since she is the one who broke up with me she is ahead in the moving on game so I will let her make the first move because she is in a better position to decide when she is ready.

 

Its not a game and she may be hurting more than you know, but whatever lead her to end things she made a decision to do so, mostly likely based on many factors, many of them you may not even be aware of.

 

You need to accept that she may never make a move, because like I said, there are many things that led to her decision to end it, and her reply states pretty clearly that she has no intention on changing her mind

[completebroken]

It is hard but it has been less than a week for me and since she is the one who broke up with me she is ahead in the moving on game so I will let her make the first move because she is in a better position to decide when she is ready.

 

Its not a game and she may be hurting more than you know, but whatever lead her to end things she made a decision to do so, mostly likely based on many factors, many of them you may not even be aware of.

 

You need to accept that she may never make a move, because like I said, there are many things that led to her decision to end it, and her reply states pretty clearly that she has no intention on changing her mind

 

I know she is hurting. I just meant she is ahead of me as far as moving on because she had time to process that she wanted this relationship to end and she wanted to pursue another and it took me by surprise less than a week ago.

 

I can accept that she might not come back as a girlfriend but from her earlier emails she emphasized that she wanted to remain my friend and that it was up to me to decide when and where and how, and that no doors were closed permanently as far as dating again, but for now they were. She said she remains friends with all her exes and she will remain friends with me so I expect she will contact me. Plus we have to give each other our stuff back and she is out of town until the end of August, which gives us time to heal some, but how much is up in the air because each day is different.

 

I have to decide if I can accept her as a friend with the feelings I have for her. At the moment it would kill me to try and be her friend while she is with someone else. I don't know what a month or a year will bring but I am not counting on this being a quick resolution.

[Puckdog27]

I have to decide if I can accept her as a friend with the feelings I have for her. At the moment it would kill me to try and be her friend while she is with someone else. I don't know what a month or a year will bring but I am not counting on this being a quick resolution.

 

There is no way you can be friends with her right now. I am friends with a few of my exes, but it was only after a period of being away from each other and both moving on, then reconnecting, sometimes years later. I actually am friends with a girl who hurt me really bad 17 years ago, but this was after 17 years of not knowing a thing about each other, reconnecting on Facebook, then a good long convo about what happened all those years ago.

 

You cant flip a switch to friendship, and her telling you the doors arent closed permantly will always keep that hope for more than friends in your mind. You need to lock the door behind you for a while, then open it to a friend

[completebroken]

There is no way you can be friends with her right now. I am friends with a few of my exes, but it was only after a period of being away from each other and both moving on, then reconnecting, sometimes years later. I actually am friends with a girl who hurt me really bad 17 years ago, but this was after 17 years of not knowing a thing about each other, reconnecting on Facebook, then a good long convo about what happened all those years ago.

 

You cant flip a switch to friendship, and her telling you the doors arent closed permantly will always keep that hope for more than friends in your mind. You need to lock the door behind you for a while, then open it to a friend

 

Yeah I am friends with a few exes as well and only one took a short time and it was the rare 100% mutual decision. even a handshake. We had coffee the next week with no problems and have been friends since. A few others I tried too fast and some remained friends and some didn't. One is like yours, years and years later.

 

I guess the next bridge to cross will be how to exchange stuff. I think going to her place with it and making it quick is best. Her place is where we stayed most of the time because it is near the University so I have many more things there and it will be a slight form of closure for me. I will respect her wishes and input on it though. I want that contact to be quick so maybe an email each way setting it up and then in and out.

 

And I realize after the initial rush of wanting her back so bad I emailed thinking of just that my emails were hurting her as well as me. I feel bad but I know the best course is not to look back. Let her contact me and I can say sorry then if it feels appropriate but can't change what happened and it was just three emails with nothing said at all that was life altering. I say this because my instinct is to apologize for hurting her. They were just "I didn't appreciate (in those words) that you did X and it really hurt me . . . " No insults, attacks etc. For me that is angry. And I justified her feelings I just told her that I needed a few answers and she gave them so can't go back. And when she said it hurt I sent the last email apologizing nicely and she sent the one above. Nothing I would feel the need to send another email about because the answers are in her response. Apology accepted, time to stop. I am writing this out because it helps me see it clearer. I am not thinking of breaking NC, just reinforcing why I need to stick to it for both of us in writing and to help future readers who are thinking of breaking NC.

[completebroken]

My moments of wanting to contact her are slowly getting longer and longer in between them. I am more focused on what I need to get done each day and what I need to do when I get my stuff, which gives me a month to prepare. Not planning anything for it, just steeling myself for seeing her and all our things etc . . .

 

I actually went out this weekend and had a good time and last night I really laughed for the first time since because I was writing a story about the pain and got tired of it and wrote this absolutely absurd story instead.