3 months in and I have doubts

[Mustachio]

I posted something similar a week ago in a different section of the forum, but I am still struggling with this and am not sure what to do, I thought I would try posting again here and see what advice I could get. Quick background, she is only the third person I have physically been with and only my second relationship.... and my first was all kinds of screwed up, so I am very new at all this in terms of making decisions about things.

 

So, I have been dating this girl for just about 3 months now. Last week she asked to talk to me about something that had been bothering her... my behavior. For a few weeks now, I have been a bit distant and just havent really shown much excitement for seeing her and going out and doing things.

 

Well, on my end I have been having doubts. There has been this feeling like the spark is gone, the attraction isnt so much there anymore. And I am starting to wonder whether the spark or attraction I felt at first was because she is a cool person and she was new and different from everything I had known before (my ex). I am still slightly reserved around her, as if I cant 100% open myself up to her. And one of the things I just havent been feeling lately is the sexual chemistry. I can tell you that it is not any lack in my sex drive, but my sex drive for her just hasnt really been there.

 

I find her a very cool girl. I enjoy spending time with her and we get along very well. And since on the surface there is nothing wrong in the relationship, and she hasnt really done anything to actually push me away I start to doubt my own doubts. I begin to think that maybe the doubts I am having arent really significant enough to be issues... yet I cant help but think that they are.

 

So I find myself unsure what to do... stay and hope the spark redevelops even though I have doubts it will redevelop... or leave and risk giving up what is otherwise a good relationship. I dont want to string her along while I figure things out, so I am inclined to end it... yet I find it hard to know if that is the right thing to do as I am concerned my reasons for ending it are all wrong.

[ToF]

How long had you been single before you started dating her?

 

Is this something that happens to you in relationships, or is this is first time?

It sounds like she's more of a friend. Maybe you were initially attracted by her personality, and the novelty of a new person in your life, but now you're realizing she's not girlfriend material for you.

[annie24]

my ex bf broke up with me for the same reason as you say here - he liked me, just wasn't feeling the 'spark.' (after 3 months as well!!!)

 

well, i don't know. i think he was a fool in letting me go. but looking back, i am glad we broke up because we weren't a great match and there were things about his personality that i didn't like.

 

i think it depends on you - how much emphasis do you put on spark, and how much on compatibility?

[wildestkabs]

How long had you been single before you started dating her?

 

Is this something that happens to you in relationships, or is this is first time?

It sounds like she's more of a friend. Maybe you were initially attracted by her personality, and the novelty of a new person in your life, but now you're realizing she's not girlfriend material for you.

 

Also, how about her? Did she just come out of a relationship?

 

How fast had things been moving along for you guys before this has to started to happen? Were you guys talking serious stuff etc?

[Mustachio]

Twist, I was single for 7 months after my ex (of almost 7 years) I know I wasnt completely healed, but I had gotten to the point where I was ready to move on. I dont know if this is something that happens to me often as this is the first time I have felt this way about anyone. The only other person I was with was my ex, and there was so much screwed up about that relationship that im not even going to attempt to compare them in any meaningful way.

 

annie, i honestly dont know how much emphasis I put on one or the other as this is only my second experience with relationships. However I have always believed that both compatibility and the spark need to be present... but in practice I have to question if that belief is sound (and I have been told by friends it is)

[Mustachio]

Also, how about her? Did she just come out of a relationship?

 

How fast had things been moving along for you guys before this has to started to happen? Were you guys talking serious stuff etc?

 

I honestly dont know if she was just coming out of a relationship or not... we havent really discussed our past relationship history.

 

And things moved fairly quickly. We slept with each other on probably the third or fourth date (about 2 weeks) and decided to be exclusive shortly after. We have also told each other we love each other, but have never discussed anything more serious like moving in, marriage etc (WAY WAY too early for me to even start thinking about that)

[doiiiieeezie]

But do you actually love her?

 

It's good to see you in this part of the board, but I have to wonder if you are still not over your ex? She had a spell on you for a while and a woman without that drama can dwindle in the spark department pretty easily if you are not used to it.

 

Talk to her and address your concerns. She will be hurt of course, but it is better to be honest. Once you let the old become more of the past, you should be able to open up to her... or someone else in another relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

But do you actually love her?

 

It's good to see you in this part of the board, but I have to wonder if you are still not over your ex? She had a spell on you for a while and a woman without that drama can dwindle in the spark department pretty easily if you are not used to it.

 

Talk to her and address your concerns. She will be hurt of course, but it is better to be honest. Once you let the old become more of the past, you should be able to open up to her... or someone else in another relationship.

 

I agree with this. It's hard to go from drama to normal. It's not as 'interesting.'

[Cheetarah]

After my ex-ex and I split(very dramatic and crazy relationship), and I started dating someone else...I had nothing I could complain about. Other than the fact that I was bored out of my skull(and for no good reason, as he was a very interesting man).

 

Mustachio, your definition(as mine was) of 'normalcy' within a relationship is skewed from 7 years in an up/down all around relationship. You probably equate that drama with love. I'm not suggesting we are idiots and love drama - But hey, when you do something for so long it just seems like how it is supposed to be.

[Mustachio]

The truth is, im not really sure if Im truly in love with her or not. I think some of the beginning of the relationship was rushed. On my end it was because it was new and exciting then and it felt good to have something different.

 

And I have also given that a lot of thought too. What if its just an adjustment from a crazy relationship with lots of ups and downs to something more normal? If that is the case, then I will be making a mistake leaving. I know I am not completely over my ex, I wouldnt expect to be after nearly 7 years together, after it being my first and only relationship up until this one. But I have felt ready to date and move on with my life... Whether this means I wasnt truly ready or if this relationship is just not right, i dont know either.

 

But that still leaves me at a point where I dont know whether thats the case or not. I am still stuck not feeling that spark, that excitement, and the desire to see her as well as the desire to be with her sexually just are not very high.

 

Which is why I come back to where I was before, I was trying to avoid making a decision until I really know... but if the spark never comes back then I will have just strung her along and hurt her more in the process.

 

I have talked to some friends and have also heard though that if the spark was there, I would know it, I would rushing at the chance to spend as much time with her as possible, especially after only three months, but thats just not the case. And if the spark really truly isnt there, I cant fake it or force it... she will know, and I wont be happy. But how do I really know whether its just an adjustment period from what I knew to what is or if its just not right?

[Cheetarah]

I think the fact that you have so deeply questioned and doubted yourself for awhile now is a sign that perhaps you SHOULD step back. Maybe you are ready to date casually, but not go further. At least for the time being. While she may be 'right', she isn't right 'right now'. You know?

[Ms Darcy]

Well, all I'll say is if I went on a date with a man who said he's not over his crazy ex, I wouldn't go on a second date with him. He's not ready for a healthy relationship.

[Mustachio]

Mintiya, I have had that thought too... I just keep going back and forth and am having real trouble coming to any sort of conclusions.

 

Ms Darcy, I dont talk about my ex at all with her except when we are talking about past experiences and my ex relationship just happens to be relevant. And when I say Im not over her, I dont mean I am still sitting pining for her, just that I am still trying to figure out who I am as not defined by that relationship.

[Mustachio]

Well she is coming back into town tomorrow, so I feel like something needs to be done. As of right now I figure the first thing to do is to talk to her and be honest with her about how I am feeling and then I guess go from there.

 

I could still really use some advice as I am very confused as to what I want to do about this relationship.

[ItRainsItPours]

your thread is exactly like one I wrote a couple months back. I started to lose the spark with a girl after about three months or so of dating.

 

I had broken up with a much more serious relationship about 6 months earlier. I think my last girlfriend was a rebound I just didnt know it at the time. I misinterpreted the honey moon phase for actual feelings. I ended up not wanting to sleep with her as much either. Im a young guy and havent had any problems in that department before, despite her being cute I just wasnt too attracted to her.

 

it doesnt make sense I'll admit but the heart wants what the heart wants. my ex was pretty, smart, funny, and liked to take care of me. a great girl on paper but I just didnt feel the same. if you dont feel the same about this girl you cant avoid hurting her but dragging it out will make it worse.

 

you cant come out of this as the good guy. all you can do is try to be as honest and understanding as you can to her.

[Mustachio]

Yea well im scared to do it since I have never had to, and I do care about her.... I feel like I know what I have to do, I am just dreading doing it.

 

I am heading over there in a few hours, at the very least I am going to talk to her and see where the conversation goes. I know its going to hurt her one way or the other... what I am still unsure about it is what direction it will go regardless of what she says. Especially since I am just not sure that staying in this relationship is the right thing to do.