It is OK Now

[WomanWriter]

I am OK, thanks to my church family. I'm not going to leave the church because too many people care about me and are ministering to me since my ex admitted he has a sex addiction. A lot of people have done kind things like pray with me, offer to take me places, and spend time with me talking and letting me cry. I will be forever grateful for their kindness and lack of judgment and will not leave the church.

 

I am sad because it's the 4th of July and I should spending it with my ex. We had plans. Please, if you are going to judge, just skip this post and read the next one. I've read all those, believe it or not, I really don't need to read anymore.

 

Yes, I know how corrupted our relationship was. I get it. But my feelings are my feelings and it was hard to see B this morning. He came to church (to my shock) and gave me a hug. I was polite by distant and he tried to make conversation with me. I just smiled and told him I'm glad he's getting help, then I sat with some other people who held me and hugged me (B and I used to sit together holding hands). Another girl was upset and we both cried together and prayed. It was healing for me. We were also able to cry with another lady.

 

At the barbecue, B stayed away from nearly everyone. Just sat there eating. But he came out to see me swimming and just stood there watching me. I ignored him until I got out to dry off and he tried to make witty conversation. I changed the subject, asked if he was going to swim and he said no, he's going to be leaving and seenig the fireworks with his family. I said "Oh that sounds fun" and went to talk to someone else. I could tell he felt sad because he just stood there. When his sister told him to leave, he asked if he had to leave right then. Then he hugged me and held onto me but I patted his back and told him see ya. He seemed a little sad, but I must remember that it is only a fleeting impression for him. As a sex addict and possible sociopath, he most likely wasn't thinking about me all day. He thinks of me when I'm there, but is impulsive and does what he wants when he wants.

 

His sister told me it is not possible for him to love me or anyone and I understand that now, so it makes it a little easier even though it hurts. He told me he is not going to stop coming to church. His sister said he called a therapist. I just said that's good and tried not to get too involved.

 

I hope he goes, but I can't change him or try to anymore. I am codependent and I wrapped my life around him and his addiction. I guess he cares enough if he wants help, but he still can't understand how he hurt me because he wants to be friends but I can't do that. I got attached and he betrayed my trust. That's all there is too it. I care deeply once I'm in and that's just my personality. I am glad I do, in a way...care deeply...but I must detach. Crying today helped a lot because I had been frozen.

 

I'm sad I don't get to kiss under the fireworks, but they'll be other days. I just have to have faith.

[DN]

I highly doubt that he is either a sociopath or a sex addict and if people are trying to convince him that he is without a clinical diagnosis by a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist they are guilty of an unconscionable action.

 

This man is being maltreated by the members of your church and apparently his family and by the tenets of most Christian religions they are also committing more than one sin. Your pastor should be ashamed of himself and needs counseling on his own behalf by his superiors and by competent professionals.

 

I urge you for your own sake to distance yourself from them all - including him.

[annie24]

I think someone should hold an intervention FOR YOU to get you away from B and this crazy church once and for all. Calling out a member of the church in front of EVERYONE as a sex addict, but he is saving himself for marriage? I mean, how is this right, positive, etc...? sheesh. These people have NO boundaries. very very bad.

[hers]

I highly doubt that he is either a sociopath or a sex addict and if people are trying to convince him that he is without a clinical diagnosis by a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist they are guilty of an unconscionable action.

 

This man is being maltreated by the members of your church and apparently his family and by the tenets of most Christian religions they are also committing more than one sin. Your pastor should be ashamed of himself and needs counseling on his own behalf by his superiors and by competent professionals.

 

I urge you for your own sake to distance yourself from them all - including him.

 

yep. this exactly. that church is corrupting you both, just based on your posts alone. i hope for your sake, you break away and establish your own relationship with your god and find your own thoughts and wisdom on certain subjects.

 

good luck to you.

[WomanWriter]

The man has an addiction. He knows it. He actually was diagnosed by a professional. Don't bother to argue. He's not being maltreated at all. Everyone has been nice to him since he admitted his problem. No, he's not waiting until marriage. Whatever gave you that idea? That's what he TOLD me a long time ago but he's done tons of things...legal and illegal...sex with minors, soliciting prostitutes, weird fetishes with unknowing victims, rape...so for you guys to say he doesn't have an addicition is crazy. I just haven't felt I should air EVERYTHING because this is a plce for me to vent. That is why I said not to judge. Because you don't know the whole story and I am looking for people who can relate because this is eNOTALONE, not EJUDGE. If you want to write about your opinions, it's probably better to comment on another post because they are wasted on me. It's a free country though (if you're in the US) but it really doesn't help me not feel alone.

[hers]

Sweetie, a pastor with a one-track mind is not a professional. Hardly. He's way too involved in your life. Some things need to be kept between you and your ex. It's not your pastor's place to be involved.

[annie24]

sex with minors, soliciting prostitutes, weird fetishes with unknowing victims, rape...

 

why is this man not in jail then? if this is the case, then why would he be invited to a church picnic (with tons of potential victims running around in bathing suits, underaged girls, etc....) and if there is proof, why hasn't someone taken him to the police? I mean, if people really think that he is a sex addict and a rapist, shouldn't he be kept away from church functions, until he is 'cured' or whatever? and shouldn't you as his ex stay far far away from him?

 

you've had 3811924 red flags about this man. why you continue to ignore them and stay near him is beyond me. If i thought a man was a rapist and a child molester, you better believe that i would be calling the police and not letting him see me in a swim suit.

[WomanWriter]

Keep in mind that B went to the pastor. I had nothing to do with that.

[annie24]

B goes to the pastor, and then the pastor publicly announces it to the church. Well, yes, i would announce it too if I had a rapist and molester in the midst of my group. But why let him come to these social events then?

[DN]

OK - but you keep writing about him and that you want to be free of him but how are you going to do that when you post about him the way you do, interact with him the way you do, talk to people at church about him the way you do?

 

This is a guy that you despised in so many ways all through the relationship and yet you seem to find it at least as hard to let go of him as you did your fiancé and look where that got you.

 

You say you are co-dependent but I wonder if you really understand that if you really are you need to stop being so and become independent and you will never achieve that by acting this way. You transfer your dependence from your fiancé to your ex to your pastor and to your friends at church. Stop doing that because it isn't working for you. Support is one thing but these people affect your life in ways that will never help you achieve independence.

 

Even your defensiveness is a form of dependence - can't you see that?

[WomanWriter]

Well, supposedly some of these things are in his past, so I don't know if he'd be a direct danger, but you bring up a good point. That's why he was kicked out of his church ministries. But he is allowed at church because the pastor thinks it's a good place for him to find help other than therapy. But I agree that B should be in a rehab center where he can live and receieve serious help until he is well. I know I have a problem too because I am very codependent and need to seek therapy for my ability to get wrapped up in other people and want to save them.

[annie24]

Is B still a youth pastor in this church?

[WomanWriter]

The pastor didn't announce it to the whole congregation, just his closest friends and family so we could all get an understanding of what was going on. Other people found out but B actually doesn't mind and people are praying for him. He feels he needs the help, so that was a good first step. You first have to admit you have a problem before you can get help. It may be a horrible thing that he has, but he knows it is controlling him. It is hard for me because I got close to him and seeing him a certain way. I didn't at first, but I just get attached easily. I don't want to be defensive. I just feel lonely.

[WomanWriter]

Is B still a youth pastor in this church?

 

No, he was kicked out of that ministry. He may now only attend the men's Bible study class and Sunday service (and events, I guess, because a lot of people are there in public).

[annie24]

I understand that you have good friends in this church, but I am really questioning if staying in that church is a good idea for you. Can you not keep your friends there, and see them and have lunch with them, pray with them when you need to? and attend services elsewhere? It seems like there is too much drama in that situation, and it is all a real distraction from the reason why you are in the church, right? I mean, can you actually go to church, and pray and worship without spending 90% of your time thinking about B?

 

What I'm suggesting is you finding an environment that is conducive to your healing and to your spiritual life. What's happening in that church seems so drama-filled and crazy, I'm not seeing how you can really concentrate on anything but B when you are there.

[brazilgirl21]

Ok, I've been really wrapped around cases of missing children lately and if B is a child molestor and rapist he NEEDS to be in jail YESTERDAY. A lot of young kids are molested and some times MURDERED by these man.

 

With that said, part of me thinks this "addiction" is an exageration of this church. Was sex with minors related to when he was 17 and the minor was 16? Hiring prostitutes is not a crime and doesn't categorize anyone as a sociopath or sex addict.

 

If anything, I think this chruch is brainwashing both of you. I feel sorry for him and you both.

[annie24]

Hiring prostitutes is not a crime

It is illegal in like 99% of the US. It's legal in some brothels in Nevada (not in Las Vegas though).

 

Ok, I've been really wrapped around cases of missing children lately and if B is a child molestor and rapist he NEEDS to be in jail YESTERDAY. A lot of young kids are molested and some times MURDERED by these man.

yes, i agree. I don't care if it's public. still it's a way for him to gain access to children and other potential victims. If i had kids, I wouldn't have them anywhere near him.

[brazilgirl21]

Annie - Sorry. In Brazil it's the most common thing in the world. Nasty, for sure, but common.

[annie24]

Annie - Sorry. In Brazil it's the most common thing in the world. Nasty, for sure, but common.

 

I'd say it is relatively common here as well (probably not as common as in brazil) but it is certainly not legal.

[WomanWriter]

It's not that he does any of these one things, but he has to have his fix of these things when he is committed to people. He has had a long string of relationships that have lasted a month or less. He admitted he gets bored and wants a new thrill. He will do whatever he can to get access to sex in any way he can. It is really sad. He needs it to feel alive. His dad and sister both strongly believe he's a sociopath. He hasn't been diagnosed, but even he himself tinks he might be and it makes a lot of sense because he admits he really doesn't have empathy and feel feelings like most people. When he is dramatic, it is an act. He even said that it was and was confused by it. He said he just doesn't feel and doesn't know why. He said he knew intellectually how he would hurt me and others but really doesn't feel sorry because he just wants to do what he wants. He was able to tell me this matter-of-factly. It was scary that he could do this. Whether it's something else or sociopath, it's very strange. He's very impulsive and does what he wants without thinking of anyone else, has no remorse (admittedly), and will do illegal things if he has to. He wants to change that though because he says he feels empty and doesn't want that kinda life.

[annie24]

It's not that he does any of these one things, but he has to have his fix of these things when he is committed to people. He has had a long string of relationships that have lasted a month or less. He admitted he gets bored and wants a new thrill. He will do whatever he can to get access to sex in any way he can.

 

ok, so this is where i am confused. if he is raping or having sex with underage women, these are not acts that he should be engaged in, regardless of if he is in a relationship or not.

 

normal, healthy, adult men have sexual urges. that's the way it goes. i would not classify that as a "sex addiction". what i do think is wrong if he is trying to have intercourse with underaged women, or forcing himself onto women. these things are NOT ok. If the issue is that B has been to a few hookers, and has masturbated in front of some women, I might say that makes him a bit gross, but I wouldn't call that a sex addiction, by any means. like DN said, going by the definition of an "addiction."

[brazilgirl21]

WW - Can't you just find another church and move on from B?

[brazilgirl21]

ok, so this is where i am confused. if he is raping or having sex with underage women, these are not acts that he should be engaged in, regardless of if he is in a relationship or not.

 

normal, healthy, adult men have sexual urges. that's the way it goes. i would not classify that as a "sex addiction". what i do think is wrong if he is trying to have intercourse with underaged women, or forcing himself onto women. these things are NOT ok. If the issue is that B has been to a few hookers, and has masturbated in front of some women, I might say that makes him a bit gross, but I wouldn't call that a sex addiction, by any means. like DN said, going by the definition of an "addiction."

 

Agreed. A lot of people need the "thrill" and are unable to commit for more than a few months. It doesn't mean he is a sociopath or has a sex addiction.

 

Honestly, it seems like the church is doing more harm than good for this man.

[annie24]

WW - Can't you just find another church and move on from B?

 

yes, it is a simple solution. but i think this is where her codependency comes in.

 

I can't for the life of me figure out how WW can go to this church and really focus on her spiritual life, not the drama of B and his maybe sex addiction. I don't know what else to compare this to, but it's kind of like trying to diet while at a buffet, or trying to stop gambling by moving to Las Vegas. I mean, at some point, you have to get yourself out of these situations to be able to make real progress.

[brazilgirl21]

I hope WW can move on. I have been reading your threads for a while and I honestly think B just caused more harm to your life than good. And the church.

 

There are SO many other churches, why not just move on??