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5 Stages

MsDexter

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MsDexter Explorer

MsDexter

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Hi,

 

So I read this on some website and thought I'll share

 

What stage would you put yourself at the moment?

 

I would say I am at stage two I just want to be alone let it all out and just really grieve.

 

Stage One: Acknowledgement

 

At the beginning all you can do is see that the break up has happened, without really getting your head round everything that has gone on. You feel all over the place one minute, numb the next, and the hurt seems to overtake every aspect of your life, making you feel unable to do anything other than think about what has happened.

 

It's important here to give yourself time to think it through thoroughly, and be aware of your true feelings even if you can't deal with them yet, whether that is by talking it through with people you trust, or by writing, art work, or making music.

 

Stage Two: Let it out

 

Hiding your feelings away is not healthy in long term, and although it is painful to allow your emotions to have free rein, by riding the pain and allowing it to take its natural course, you will free yourself quicker than if you pretend you're coping just fine and don't give yourself healing time.

Many people can't deal with this stage as they don't like to feel they are losing control, or have been taught as children not to express their feelings and so find it hard to let go in adulthood. But it is here that you need to be spending time alone and letting it all out, whether by tears, shouting, creative pursuits, or getting away from the situation so you can express yourself in a safe place...everyone expresses themselves differently at this stage.

 

Stage Three: Nurture time

 

Allow others to help you heal with the comfort they offer and the time they give you. Spend time with people you care about and let them offer their perspective; allow them to look after you.

 

A word of warning here - at the nurture stage many people seek another sexual relationship, before they have really had time to recover from the last. While this gives immediate feelings of emotional relief, it is rarely a long term solution and can cause more problems than it solves. Seek instead comfort from friends and family who want nothing from you and won't compound your grief.

 

Stage Four: Reward yourself

 

Give yourself compensation for what you have suffered and although revenge against someone is never as satisfying as the fantasy, you can get your own sweet compensation by making yourself look and feel better than you ever have in your life and by proving you can make it without your partner. That is the sweetest revenge you can ever have.

 

This stage isn't about hurting someone back, because the hurt you're feeling will still be there and that kind of revenge won't help (tempting as it is...), but about looking after yourself properly and giving yourself whatever you need to lift yourself up. A break up can be the start of the new you and new resolutions to look after your own needs, whether they are completely life changing, or smaller but nevertheless important.

 

Stage Five: Moving On

 

When you start looking at the bigger picture and can accept the situation without pain, you know you are heading into the final stage of dealing with a break up. Here you can see why the break up happened, who took responsibility for what, and what you have learned about both relationships and yourself. You know longer worry about what the other person is thinking, feeling, doing every minute of the day, or watch the phone for their calls or texts. You can look at the episode in a detached way, as if it happened to the old you. And if it suits you, you're ready to find someone new who will value the new you.

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TurtleDove12 Contributor

TurtleDove12

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Yeah definitely I move up and down. I have not reached 5 at all though so working on that the day I can say "I'm over it"

 

Yeah. Step 5 is impossible to reach so soon after these things happen.

 

I think you have to reach for the other ones, before you can go reaching for that final one.

 

I wish emotions could remain balanced and more logical in these situations. A silly thing to wish for.

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OptomisticGirl Mentor

OptomisticGirl

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I know it's hard guys but keep holding on. I was in this forum 9 months ago coming out of a 4 year relationship and now I'm engaged to another board member. It's hard, just always remember at ANY stage it's okay to cry. Even the act of moving on you are alloweed to shed tears. You may not reach it in a month, three months, or six months, but you will. I know it seems like it's impossible, I have been there. Just keep what you guys are doing up.

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MsDexter Explorer

MsDexter

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I know it's hard guys but keep holding on. I was in this forum 9 months ago coming out of a 4 year relationship and now I'm engaged to another board member. It's hard, just always remember at ANY stage it's okay to cry. Even the act of moving on you are alloweed to shed tears. You may not reach it in a month, three months, or six months, but you will. I know it seems like it's impossible, I have been there. Just keep what you guys are doing up.

 

Wow you are engaged after 9 months! That is an achievement if I even get into a relationship after 9 months I'll be very happy lol

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MalibuOne Explorer

MalibuOne

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I'll let you know by the end of the day.

 

Then we'll see if my answer changes tomorrow morning.

 

If I had to wager, I'd say that for me it's not so cut and dry. These "stages" blend together for me, as I think they do for most.

 

I agree with this. I can see bits of myself in stages 2 through 4. I know 5 is out there. I went thru a tough divorce and it was YEARS before I got to 5, but I did get there. And I continue to be amazed by that. 18 years with the same guy and now he's just someone I used to know. How tenuous relationships are... My last relationship was short and intense, so I'm hoping maybe getting to 5 won't take nearly so long.

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OptomisticGirl Mentor

OptomisticGirl

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Wow you are engaged after 9 months! That is an achievement if I even get into a relationship after 9 months I'll be very happy lol

 

lol, I know. If someone would have told me 9 months ago I'd meet a wonderful guy on ENA and be engaged to him, I would have called bullcrap in a heart beat. I went through a lot with my ex though--- serial cheating, serial dumping, serial lying--- and yes, we were together for 4 years but I think once the shock of it ending and having to move out of my apartment sunk in, I realized I was much better off and that's when I really started to take steps to bettering myself, which I think was around New Year's Eve at about two months. 13 days later I met my fiance.

 

It'll come in time though. I know a friend who after 2 years is still mourning her relationship. One could say she is just wallowing but I think we all heal in our own ways. Yes, having a guy tell me how great and beautiful I was 'speed' up my process but I know even without him, I would have gotten there.

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