I feel betrayed by my boyfriend. Help!

[Silvergalaxy]

I need help with this issue. I've been thinking about it for 2 days and don't know what to do. I really need some advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months. A month and a half into the relationship, we briefly broke up because we were arguing a lot and we weren't sure we would work out. Both of us felt that way but ultimately he was the one who made the decision whereas I was willing to try a bit longer. We were apart for a week (during which he kept in touch) and then we saw each other at a Christmas party and went home together. We went out a couple of more times and then I left for Christmas holidays for 2 weeks. He drove me to the airport and kept texting me the whole time that I was gone and once I got back, he wanted to see me right away. Ever since, we've been together and our relationship is great with small exceptions.

 

There was a time about 2 months after we got back together when he was acting strange - insecure and jealous for no good reason. When we talked about it, he told me that while we were broken up, he made out with another girl that I know and he had been feeling guilty but didn't want to tell me about it because he didn't want to lose me. We talked it through and it was hard for me but I accepted that it happened while we weren't together and he assured me that the situation was completely different then. He also wanted to make sure that I wasn't seeing anyone else and told me that he loved me.

 

Fast forward 4 months and we are really in love. He's incredible to me and it's getting better every day, we talk about the future, taking trips together, he even suggested moving in but I feel it's too soon. Then, last night I found out that he had sex with that same girl the time he said they only made out. The subject came up and after I asked him, he came clean about it. I got really emotional but felt that I would be able to get over it. However, this morning I asked if there's anything else that might come out in the future. He told me that it happened a second time, after I left for my Christmas vacation. I am so sick and disgusted by all this lying. I keep picturing it happening and while I can justify the first time by saying we weren't together, I feel that the second is inexcusable. He's saying that things weren't defined with us at that time and while that may be true, I feel it's just a technicality. We had been intimate several times by then and I had specifically asked him if he had been with anyone else during our time apart. He lied to my face.

 

I just don't know what to do. I really love him and hate this. He's been crying and asking me to not question our whole relationship because of this. He says he was an at the beginning of our relationship but that he was confused at the time and then he didn't want to lose me by telling me. He says I make him a better person and he loves me more than anyone before. I'm just so hurt and feel betrayed. And I don't know if I can trust him again. Am I overreacting? Please help!

[sidehop]

It's understandable even though you two weren't together he somehow managed to find this girl and make out & have sex.

 

Aside from that fact, how do you honestly feel about him?

[pumpkinmoon]

I think you need to take some time away from him to work out what you are feeling.

 

He actually cheated on you after telling you that it was you he wantedand all the other stuff. He even had the opportunity to be honest with you from the start but he chose to lie.

 

Lies are a big NO NO in my book, worse than cheating in some ways.

 

And I have to wonder if he left the relationship for that week to explore this other person.

[DN]

Well, it is a sort of grey area but he was wrong to do that and lie about it - but he did eventually come clean.

 

The main issue though is - can you get past this thing that happened six months ago and put it into the context of how the relationship has been since then?

 

If you can't then you should end it. But if you think you can then maybe you should work through this together.

[Silvergalaxy]

I think you need to take some time away from him to work out what you are feeling.

 

He actually cheated on you after telling you that it was you he wantedand all the other stuff. He even had the opportunity to be honest with you from the start but he chose to lie.

 

Lies are a big NO NO in my book, worse than cheating in some ways.

 

And I have to wonder if he left the relationship for that week to explore this other person.

 

This is exactly what I wondered too. He denies it vehemently. I do know that this girl was interested in him for a long time and they used to hang out. We all work together so I know her too though we're not exactly friends. He says once we broke up, she came on to him strongly and he got confused between the two of us but he knew he didn't want to let go of me so he made sure I didn't find out about it.

 

It's the lying that bothers me a lot as well. He had many opportunities to tell me the truth and he kept waltzing around it, revealing bits and pieces at different times. He admits he was selfish and didn't want to tell me earlier because he thought I would walk away.

 

Sidehop, apart from this, I really love him and I think he's a great person. He's smart, funny, romantic, he treats me so well. He can be insecure and jealous at times but he's really working on dealing with this. We communicate well (when he's being honest of course) and things were so good before this. I just can't look at him the same right now.

[pumpkinmoon]

Correct me if I am wrong but when you left for Christmas vacation and it happened again, you were together then right?

[Silvergalaxy]

Correct me if I am wrong but when you left for Christmas vacation and it happened again, you were together then right?

 

We weren't "officially" together, I guess. We saw each other a few times and then he drove me to the airport and kept in touch while I was away so the expectation was that we would see where it goes after I come back but we never really talked about it. What bothers me more about it is that we were together the night before I left and I specifically asked him if he had been with anyone else during the break up. He lied. Then, after I left, he went and saw her again. It makes me sick.

[Silvergalaxy]

Well, it is a sort of grey area but he was wrong to do that and lie about it - but he did eventually come clean.

 

The main issue though is - can you get past this thing that happened six months ago and put it into the context of how the relationship has been since then?

 

If you can't then you should end it. But if you think you can then maybe you should work through this together.

 

That is, in fact, the main issue. And it's what I'm struggling with. I guess I wanted to hear other people's opinions for an outside perspective to help me make my decision.

[pumpkinmoon]

Nah this really doesn't sit right with me at all.

 

It's not just the fact that he lied. It's the fact that he took that weeks break because he wasn't sure if it would work, but by coming back to you, even without the actual back together talk, indicates that he wanted to work it out. But then he went and did it again.

 

Did you find out about the second time from someone else or did he tell you?

[arcadefire]

I wouldn't trust this guy... he's probably hiding more than what he's letting you know.

[Silvergalaxy]

He told me this morning when I asked him if there's anything else that I might find out in the future. He said we weren't really together and it wasn't clear if we would be in a relationship or just be casual (though I never gave him the idea I would be interested in casual).

[DN]

As far as you know he has been faithful and above-board since then?

[arcadefire]

You were probably back up when things with the other girl didn't work out for him.

[Silvergalaxy]

Yes, as far as I know, this is the only time something like this has ever happened. Actually, he always makes it a point to tell me where he's going and what he's doing when we're not together. He calls it "transparency". I didn't really understand why it was so important for him until last night. He swears he has been completely honest aside from this and that he knows he only has himself to blame for the current situation.

 

Arcadefire, I don't think I was necessarily the back up plan. The other girl is still interested in him but he doesn't speak to her anymore (and hasn't since before he told me about this).

[DN]

Yes, as far as I know, this is the only time something like this has ever happened. Actually, he always makes it a point to tell me where he's going and what he's doing when we're not together. He calls it "transparency". I didn't really understand why it was so important for him until last night. He swears he has been completely honest aside from this and that he knows he only has himself to blame for the current situation.

 

Arcadefire, I don't think I was necessarily the back up plan. The other girl is still interested in him but he doesn't speak to her anymore (and hasn't since before he told me about this).

Well, at some point, sooner or later, you are going to have to decide what you want. I suggest sooner because longer may be too late.

[Ms Darcy]

What I find interesting is that he has jealously issues and tries to be "transparent." For someone who lies, it suggests *sub*consious guilt.

 

Anywho, what I think he's not being honest about is the fact that much of his motivation to leave was probably to try another girl - because you'd obviously be hurt. The whole 'confused' excuse is bs. He actively sought out sex with her twice.

 

I don't get the impression that you will leave him though. In that case, you have to find a way to let it all go.

[Huntress0527]

I think you're ignoring the red flags, the big one being dishonesty, and will regret it later on. I would be disgusted knowing that while working on reconciliation and texting being all lovey with you he goes out and sleeps with the girl...again.

[wheatgrass82]

I wouldn't trust this guy... he's probably hiding more than what he's letting you know.

 

i'm going to give you some different advice. Becuase I ws once exaactly in your situation.. except I was him . And you may well have nothing ot worry about. .... see here...

 

I broke up with my bf at the time and went home with his arch enemy two nights later... i stayed over we had sex bla blahblah... when we finally got back togehter i watered down everything that hppened in between not becos it was dodgy... jsut cos i loved him and i wanted to hurt him less... im older and wiser now... but i told you this cos i want tyou to know... i loved that man with all my heart and he was the greatest thing to happen in my life that far...... so i watered it down........ follow your gut sweetheart... give yourslef time to decide weather you can let it go.. take a few days... week even and rerally look within to see if you can move on. if you cant let it go.. leet him go. It has to be that black and white.

[Silvergalaxy]

Thank you all for the replies. I really read everyone's advice carefully and took a while to work out how I feel.

 

He ended up coming over and we talked about everything. Ultimately, I decided to stay though I still have doubts. To whoever said I'm ignoring the red flags, I am really not. If I was, my decision would have been a lot easier. As disgusted as I am with what happened, it doesn't outweigh the good things about our relationship for the past 6 months. I am 99% sure of his commitment to me at the moment. What worries me most is his dishonesty in the future. He swears that this is the only time he has lied to me. Who knows if that's true or not and it's still going to take time for him to regain my trust (he's saying he's willing to do whatever it takes). It all might end up in tears eventually but at this time it's a risk I'm going to take.

 

Thank you again.

[soporcogitavi]

I wouldn't trust this guy... he's probably hiding more than what he's letting you know.

 

 

I probably would have a hard time trusting this person again, but I dont think he's hiding more, he told her that it happened a 2nd time, at that point he had nothing else to lose, so if there was anything else he would have mentioned it.

[Ms Darcy]

At this point, if you are going to stay with him, you really don't have the right to keep punishing him for it. He shouldn't have to work hard to stay with you, or else you'll find that this relationship is going to end when resentment builds.

[Silvergalaxy]

I agree with you. Maybe I didn't express myself very well. I wasn't implying that I'm interested in punishing him. He was the one who said he's willing to do anything but I haven't asked anything of him (apart from being honest from now on) and don't plan to. I just meant that it might take some time to trust him the way I did before all this. Still, I feel really good about my decision so far.