Do I tell my friend what might heal a relationship?

[thomas more]

My wife and I are friends with a woman we know. She got herself into some trouble and during that time didn't tell the truth about a relationship to my wife directly, thus me indirectly. The awful truth of it came out when he beat her up.

 

Since then, my wife has been very mis-trustful of our friend, making comments such as that she must have gotten a better offer rather then come visit or take a call.

 

I feel that if our friend were to honestly, from the bottom of her heart, and I think it would come from that, tell my wife she realized that it was a mistake not to tell the truth, it would go a long way toward them being able to heal the relationship between them.

 

I speak with her alone at times, and could tell her of my thoughts. I know it's intruding, in that it's between them, but I'd like to help them both heal the tight relationship bond that they once had. I know, from speaking with her that she wants things to be good between them and wonders at times if all is really OK.

 

Should I tell her what I see and leave it to her to do it if she feels she would be doing so from the heart?

 

Thanks

[msDazed_N_Confused]

Does your wife know about you speaking to your friend occasionally? From what you have written here, it feels like you almost know more about what your friend feels, than what your wife wants and feels.

Does your wife still want to be friends with her? If so, tell your friend to contact your wife and invite her to lunch or coffee to talk.

[IGlareOften]

Wait, I'm super confused. Basically, your wife and this women are friends. The friend was in an abusive relationship and didn't tell your wife? Is that issue?

[Puckdog27]

I would tell the wife to grow up. She's really holding a grudge because her friend didnt feel the need to confide in her? So she is punishing the freindship?

 

That said, I wouldnt take action in defending the friend's side of things, you will most likely be accused of taking sides with the friend against the wife.

 

If you insist on being helpful, why not request that the 3 of you all sit down to try and work out a solution?

[agent1607307371]

I think your wife needs to get over herself. If her being right is more important than being there for a friend who was beaten by a boyfriend... I can think of better friends to have.

[savignon]

Is your wife upset with this friend because she didn't confide in her about an abusive relationship and now doesn't want to be friends with her?? That's my understanding and iwth all due respect, that's very selfish. She has a hurt ego about something that has really nothing whatsoever to do with her and if she's willing to write the friend off as a result, the friend could certainly find a better support system. To think that a friend of mine could get beat up by some guy and I would have the nerve to just think about why she didn't tell me sooner and then like her less as a result is absurd. Just selfish with a capital S!! No compassion? No shoulder to cry on? Just thinking about herself.... as I said, the friend can do better and deserves better.

[savignon]

I feel that if our friend were to honestly, from the bottom of her heart, and I think it would come from that, tell my wife she realized that it was a mistake not to tell the truth, it would go a long way toward them being able to heal the relationship between them.

I'm sorry but I would not appologize for the "mistake" of not confiding in a friend about such a personal and scary thing. If anything, I would expect an appology from your wife OR tell her "from the bottom of my heart" where she could stick her "friendship".

[Puckdog27]

I feel that if our friend were to honestly, from the bottom of her heart, and I think it would come from that, tell my wife she realized that it was a mistake not to tell the truth, it would go a long way toward them being able to heal the relationship between them.

I'm sorry but I would not appologize for the "mistake" of not confiding in a friend about such a personal and scary thing. If anything, I would expect an appology from your wife OR tell her "from the bottom of my heart" where she could stick her "friendship".

 

I couldnt agree more.

[catfeeder]

Most people in abusive relationships are too ashamed to confide in anyone, much less someone they admire. If your wife can't give that much understanding to her friend, then she's playing right into the abusers hands--the guy wants his victim cut off from all healthy relationships and will be only too happy to see the woman isolated and alone.

 

Your wife is doing one helluva job making this about her and her pride instead of her friend when she REALLY needs a friend. That's what I'd tell her.

[thomas more]

Well, first off, yes, my wife does know that our friend and I speak away from her on occasion. She knows we are good friends and even closer since her relationship with an abusive man ended in the abuse.

 

I think that the case is that my wife feels she can't fully trust our friend and that perhaps a statement to the effect of acknowledmennt of that lie would go a long way toward them being able to get past it. I know that it seems that my wife should let go of it, and normally, she's the kind of person who can. I think that this was so huge that it's hard to let go of. I've worked through it with a professional and I'm pretty much over it. My wife is not the sort to go to someone like that and so, I think that someone needs to step in and push them in a direction.

 

A number of years ago, when I was in management I had two guys who could not get along. It turned out that they had known each other in the past and it took my getting them in a room with me to talk it out. What did they each have to say to one another. I pushed, I prodded and then one of them admitted that they were wrong in something in the past. Was the result instant? No, but in time, they were friends and happy to know one another.

 

Perhaps this is another one of those times? When someone has to step in and tell someone they have to talk to the other person? I don't think that is my wife. I've told her to let it go, she can't. I think the wound is deep. So, well, OK, then, our friend would be the other party.

[savignon]

I've told her to let it go, she can't

 

Well, then, she's lost her friend. In the future she should let people know she expects full exposure and confidentiality of all personal, private, painful, embarassing issues as a condition of the friendship.

The friend is better off in my opinion. I think she could throw a dart into a crowd and find someone more compassionate. This woman was BEATEN BY HER BOYFRIEND and your wife "can't get over it"??? Please!!!

[catfeeder]

[...] I've told her to let it go, she can't. [...]

 

If you replace the word "can't" with "won't" you'd be closer to the truth.

 

Telling someone to do what they're not willing to do is a losing proposition. Asking her why she's unwilling to make this about her friend instead of about herself might be a place to start. Your wife is not the wounded party here. Unless and until she's willing to consider that, she's out one friend, and everyone loses.