Trying to control jealousy

[rich46]

Hi,

 

It's been a while since I posted on here, but this website helped me sooooo much before, so I'm hoping for some more wise words this time.

 

I'm living in South Korea right now, and my girlfriend is Japanese (and living in Japan). We've been going out for six months, although I only see her once a month when I fly over to Japan for the weekend. I will move to Japan in August, although not her city, so we'll still be long distance.

 

Anyway, I'm finding it hard at the moment, and it's based on my own trust issues. We both have a lot of friends of the opposite sex, so perhaps it's unreasonable on my part, but I find myself getting jealous. Sometimes I meet up with a female friend and have dinner, watch a movie...but I'm careful not to tell my girlfriend as I don't want her to feel jealous over perfectly innocent meetings. However, she seems the complete opposite, and is always eager to tell me that she's meeting a male friend for dinner, and is then really eager to tell me how great it was! She lived in Australia so has quite a few Australian friends living in Japan, so she meets up with them sometimes. I feel like she wants me to be jealous...

 

In the past, I've been prone to jealousy and I have become clingy, but I've learned and I'm trying desperately hard to control my emotions. I think I've done a really good job so far, and I'm definitely getting better, but as I get closer to her, i can feel the jealous tendencies creeping in...

 

Both my girlfriend and me have had our hearts broken before, so naturally this has left a scar on both of us, mentally. She is so sweet, and very attractive, and of course this makes me think negative things all the time, especially when she is meeting her friends.

 

Does anybody have any advice? Or consoling words? I just think with long distance relationships, it's so easy to drift apart but I really like this girl, and I don't want to push her away like I have done with girls in the past.

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Rich

[Clarity]

Personally, I'd prefer her approach - open and honest, to yours, which is closed and almost deceptive. How would you feel if she never told you about these meetings, but then you found out one day that she had been going out with guy friends all along?

 

As far as the trust issues, as long as she shows with her actions (not just words) that you are important to her, take comfort in that.

 

I am also in a long-distance situation, but the post-cards and phone calls I get re-assure me that, if she's putting in that much effort, I'm important.

[jenny_mcs]

I agree with Clarity- I think your gf's approach is more honest and respectful of your relationship.

[rich46]

Thank for your replies.

 

I understand your points, and I am glad that she is telling me (although less so regarding the way she tells me). I guess I am hesitant to tell her if I am meeting a female friend due to past experience, e.g. my previous girlfriend was Korean, and we ended up breaking up over the fact that I was visiting Taiwan to meet a friend who I'd not seen for two years...she was completely unreasonable and even said "I don't like guys who have female friends"

 

But anyway, the main point of my post was to get advice to prevent my jealousy from boiling up to the surface. I have it under control at the moment, but I feel like it's a constant battle, not helped by the long distance aspect.

 

How do you stop the jealous thoughts? Is it just a case of keeping busy?

 

Thanks again...

 

Rich

[Periwinkle.]

Yes I also agree that the honest approach is best. I am in a ldr as well, and I would be very sad if my bf went out with other girls and didn't tell me. However, I can relate to you in the jealousy aspect. I've also been working on it, and I specifically asked my bf to tell me about it but in a way that wont make me jealous. He knows how to make me jealous, so now instead of telling me every detail he simply mentions in casually, which I am grateful for. I think you should let your girl know how this is all making you feel. Make sure you tell her that you aren't saying she should stop, just that you would prefer if she was more casual about it to avoid making you irrationally jealous, and that in return you would do your best to be supportive and understanding of the situation.

[jynkies]

I'm in a Long term LDR and have jealousy issues that stem from a break up caused by my then boyfriend going overseas for a month -he dumped me because he didn't want to feel bad about upsetting me by leaving.

 

When my partner moved overseas I was out of my mind with insecurity - we both dance and take dance classes etc.. I remember once seeing a facebook comment from a woman he knew in Alabama teasing him because he was going away and asking 'I will miss you - who will I dance with now??" I had a TOTAL fit over it and thought it was the end of the world - I talked to my boyfriend about it, I realised that I was being irrational but it really did hurt.. by talking to him I got the reassurance I needed to stop freaking out - he got the understanding of why I was freaking out, we managed to get a better understanding of how we both react to things.

 

I'm still a little insecure but no where as bad as I was - If I get worried about anything I know my partner well enough to trust that I can go "I'm not happy with X" and we will sit down and talk about it - he knows I know it's silly and irrational, but he also knows why I react like this - by talking about it when the bad feelings start they don't escalate out of control and we both know exactly where we stand... and we need it because I really do have insecurity issues but now I'm fine with him having female friends crashing overnight when they are visiting from out of town (Of course only on the condition that he has his cell phone on him so if I do start freaking out I can ring him and get the reassurence I need)

[rich46]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I'm hesitant to go down this route though because I don't want my girlfriend to be put off by my insecurities. On the other hand, it's not going to help if I keep my insecurities bottled up.

 

Like I said in my first post, we have both been hurt in the past, so I think we both suffer from similar anxieties. I remember some of the subtle signs of her jealousy when we first started going out, hence the reason why I am more secretive when I meet up with a friend.

 

She's meeting a male friend this evening, and I am dreading chatting to her on MSN tomorrow because I know she will be saying how amazing it was to see him again. No tact at all, but then again, it's my problem for reacting like that I suppose....still, at least I have learned to keep my feelings in check, and it is easier to act calm and collected via MSN than in person.

[butterfly2138]

I understand your jealousy. Maybe you should tell her that you support this nights out with male friends but that she s making you also a bit jealous by always telling how much fun it was. Doesn t your jealousy just prove that you are in love with her? Showing too much jealousy is not healthy, but i think admitting it sometimes is just natural because this person means a lot to you.

[Jd1983]

If you do not want to push her away, then perhaps you should be more honest towards her. Let her know when you are hanging out with your female friends. You mentioned that they were purely platonic, why can't you assume the same when your gf is spending time with her guy friends?

 

You can voice your opinions and let her know that you feel jealous at times when she is spending time with guy friends. Perhaps, it's a feeling you get because she is so sweet and attractive, that you are afraid that someone else will win over her heart. This way you can let her know how you feel, and she in turn can possibly ease your mind.