2nd time dumped by a BPD ( i think)

[LukeAlexander]

Hi everyone,

 

after being dumped 2 weeks ago for the second time (first time was exact 1 year ago), i was so hurt i desperately was looking for reasons, answers. I started looking and found a mindblowing article on the different stages of a relationship with a Borderline person. I finally saw the truth and my world fell apart because now all the pain, weirdness, ups and massive downs, the lying and cheating from my ex, her inability to be open or even communicate, her use of sex as a weapon etc.etc. all started to make sense. I now realize i was an addict and i'm in terrible pain trying to break away from her (i don't contact her, and she doesn't either - for now!!). Seems my world has grinded to a halt and i can barely function (i guess this is normal after a toxic relationship of more then 6 years).

Does anyone outthere has some good advice, tips to get my "old me" back and learn, grow from this horrible period ? I still "love" her like mad but i know now it's not "love", it's the addiction to be with her again, to not feel alone etc..

[bungalo]

So sorry for the pain you are going through. My first wife is BP (and Bi-Polar). I think the way out of pain is to accept that you'll never have an intimate rel/ship with her again-for your own peace of mind and protection. My last rel/ship ended for the 3rd time over close to 6 years..she's not BP...but may have a Personality Disorder..in any case..accceptance that you're not going to change her is the key to getting out of pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You can PM me if you need more support.

[LukeAlexander]

Thanks for your reply. really appreciate these insights. Like i said, i'm on a strikt NC now (afraid she might "hook" me in again) and i guess i'm now in the rational phase where i'm trying to cope with the reality of a dysfunctional ex-partner and what impact it had on me. I'm gratefull to have seen the light and face this problem. I'm trying to get outthere, hang out with friends and move forward. It will take time and lotsa small steps but i just pray that i can be strong enough to resist her -IF- she would ever decide to get back in touch with me.

[pumpkinmoon]

After reading up on things like this I have come to the conclusion that my ex may be bi polar or have a narcissistic personality. Either way, you just cannot win.

[LukeAlexander]

Very true! It's the "addiction" part which makes it extremely difficult to let go and move on. I'm secretely still hoping she would come back while my mind screams: don't ever let her back into your life.

[okiedokiestomp]

LukeAlexander, do you have a link to the original BPD article you mentioned in your first post?

[iBroken]

My ex was BPD - this is our 4th break up.

 

I know its hard and being an relationship with someone who has that disorder is very draining. You just have to focus on you right now and not them.

 

My ex split with me after she finished splitting - black and white. Things were going better then ever...then we had a brief period where I lost control of my insecurities. But she promised to work through them.....moved my furniture into the master bedroom (we were in the midst of reconciling) on a Friday. We split on the sunday. This was a week before my birthday, 5 days before we were supposed to go on vacation and less then 2 months before I was moving back in.......

 

INSANE!

 

And Im done And it hurts. I feel like I have been destroyed by this persons ups and downs, ins and outs. But for now, Im focusing on me and nothing else. I encourage you to do the same

[NightLily]

I strongly suggest people do not go around diagnosing others.

 

Also, I really do get tired of seeing the disorder being blamed for a poor relationship. Plenty of people with Bipolar or probably even BPD can have relationships where they do not mistreat the other person.

 

Casting such a broad net really will just hurt the people who strive to better themselves regardless of a disorder.

 

Luke: Let me just clarify that I don't feel you are doing everything I said above. Anyways, based off of your description that still isn't enough for a diagnosis. That sounds more like a drastic lack of stability coupled with your need to be validated by somebody else. If somebody is actually borderline they would have to also take part in at least two physically self destructive practices. Frequent suicide attempts, cutting, severe eating disorders you get the idea. BPD takes a diagnostician with their PhD a long time to actually diagnose.

 

It doesn't matter what she is either way but I do hope you don't spread your assumptions to anybody involved in her life. You would be surprised how cruel people could be to her if you do end up doing this.

 

The most important thing for you to do now, which I do think you seem to already realize, is breaking yourself out of the addiction and just pushing yourself through the anxiety to reach out to her again. Is there anything that can distract you or keep you busy?

[iBroken]

For the record, my ex was diagnosed. I did not diagnose her of these traits. I didnt even know what it was until she told me (during our last split).

 

And I read alot about the disorder. It is very hard for people with BPD to maintain relationships unless they are actively getting help for their disorder.

[LukeAlexander]

I totally agree that "diagnosing" yourself is very dangerous and could be wrong.

And it could be a sign of me trying to "turn this around" to lessen the pain and make it easier to let go. I honestly don't know. All of this could be signs of a relationship just not working, me being clingy, she needing space...etc. etc.

It's hard to make sense of it all.

I'm just trying to focus again on moving on with my life, being positive and creative again (i'm in music business) and try to see all this as a valuable lesson. It's a long and winding road up ahead i guess, but it's sure worth taking. So it's now a time for reflection, some hard work and deciding where i wanna go ...

[JoshHimself]

For the record, my ex was diagnosed. I did not diagnose her of these traits. I didnt even know what it was until she told me (during our last split).

 

And I read alot about the disorder. It is very hard for people with BPD to maintain relationships unless they are actively getting help for their disorder.

 

My ex has been diagnosed as BP, and she was put on meds for it, but she never took them, and chose recreational drugs instead. So it is a rough situation

[LukeAlexander]

Btw. here's a link to the article i was referring to:

 

link removed

 

 

I'm gonna take it easy on reading and writing about this stuff though, coz' it's very easy to get caught up in endless thoughts and analysis. Seems the more i do, the less i'm able to move on. Too much thinking can also be a bad idea i guess

[JoshHimself]

Wow, I relate to everything that says.

[NightLily]

Btw. here's a link to the article i was referring to:

 

link removed

 

 

I'm gonna take it easy on reading and writing about this stuff though, coz' it's very easy to get caught up in endless thoughts and analysis. Seems the more i do, the less i'm able to move on. Too much thinking can also be a bad idea i guess

 

I'd have to agree with you there. I think trying to analyze the situation is only going to keep you stuck on thinking about it. Maybe start reading a really good book about something totally unrelated? That can help give you something to think about.

[LousySpy]

Btw. here's a link to the article i was referring to:

 

link removed

 

 

I'm gonna take it easy on reading and writing about this stuff though, coz' it's very easy to get caught up in endless thoughts and analysis. Seems the more i do, the less i'm able to move on. Too much thinking can also be a bad idea i guess

 

Although I agree with Suzy in that I have no right to diagnose anybody, that description frightens me in terms of how it describes my ex and our relationship. It's a sad story, it really is. I'm still incredibly fond of her despite everything. There's a brilliant person underneath all the trouble. I kind of wish I'd have looked more into at the time, put myself in a position to work through it with her and even seek help. But I had no idea, really. It was just a whirlwind of passion, intensity and confusion for an inexperienced man like me.

[NightLily]

Although I agree with Suzy in that I have no right to diagnose anybody, that description frightens me in terms of how it describes my ex and our relationship. It's a sad story, it really is. I'm still incredibly fond of her despite everything. There's a brilliant person underneath all the trouble. I kind of wish I'd have looked more into at the time, put myself in a position to work through it with her and even seek help. But I had no idea, really. It was just a whirlwind of passion, intensity and confusion for an inexperienced man like me.

 

 

To me it isn't about your "right" to diagnose (you CAN'T diagnose) but you do have a right to speculate. However, a lot of the times it isn't a question about the traits they have as much as it is a question about the severity. You can have tendencies towards something without having a clinical disorder.

 

The real problem I have with all of this is though.. rumors get started. One person decides another is "Bipolar" or "Borderline", word gets around, and due to lack of education in psychology or lack of empathy the person can seriously have their social life ruined.

 

After coming out of such a whirlwind situation as you described it the main objective for you should be to reach some sort of center again in your life. Find peace and stability as drab as it sounds. Getting yourself on a schedule or taking time to slow down might help.

[LousySpy]

I think there's too much 'diagnosis' splashed around in general these days, even by professionals. There's a label for every mood swing it seems. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

 

In the case of my ex, I do think her condition was severe in all honesty. She did quite literally...transform. I can remember a few occurrences that genuinely frightened the heck out of me. I just did not know how to handle her. But her re-transformation and the speed of it back to loving tenderness was what kept me believing in her. It's sad to ponder over really, there's a beautiful person underneath it all.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, I'm doing ok. This realisation has helped me come to terms with the experience for what it was. I've stopped victimising or even blaming myself. I just had no idea what I was into and wanted to fix her. I can't excuse her eventual actions towards me, but I've forgiven her. I wish her well.

[coolchick64]

Luke, I can relate to all of what you're saying. I think the most important part, though, is the realization that your relationship is addictive. I'm feeling the same way about mine now. What helped me was to get completely away from him for about 6 weeks. He continued to contact me but I asked him to leave me alone and ignored the rest. We run into each other around town quite a bit, but I've managed to avoid talking with him. It was hard at first---not nearly as hard as the first break-up because I was resolved not to go back again---but still hard to break the addiction. You have to let go in your heart and mind. That's key. Don't just stay away hoping she'll come around. Stay away because you know it's not good for you, no matter what she thinks or says. Now that I'm more or less detoxed, I see the situation much more clearly and the whole break-up is much easier to take. In fact, I'm pretty happy without him. You'll hear "go NC" a lot around here and I guess that's what I'm basically saying. But the special part for you is to see it as going through withdrawals from something that isn't healthy for you.

 

The other thing I'll add is that I made a lot of excuses for my ex due to his apparently altered mental state. I also worried about him constantly. In the end, though, you just can't let yourself be sucked in. Even mentally ill people can seek help and stop themselves from hurting the people around them. It doesn't make it okay.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Suzy's posts on this thread 100%.

[epicurean]

My ex of 4 years broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. The next day she started to see someone... a friend of a friend thats how I found out. Whether she cheated on me I will never know but i am guessing theres a good chance. Being friends for over 17 years, I had to confront her about all this as she was keeping it a secret from me...Shes been stringing me along sending me messages that she loves me for the past few weeks. I know she is still seeing this guy almost everyday. I have gone no contact. I will not let her back into my life nor will I be the back up plan.

 

 

Its when I come home to an empty house and I sleep alone thats when I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest... She justifies herself in all her actions, blaming the demise of our relationship on me. "she found a connection with this guy something I failed to give her"... She goes out of her way to make me feel worthless and she never takes responsibilities for her actions. Her rage, her aggressiveness. Never ever is she ever wrong. When I do call her out she replies with rage. She is in denial. I have wasted 4 years of my life trying and trying to please her. She sucked me dry and gave me no emotional support, it was always what I could do for her, what I didn't do for her... When I would hold her, kiss her, I felt like she was thinking of someone else she could not look me in the eye. She would use sex against me and say that I was only romantic when I wanted sex... In the end she basically said I kept her around for sex:splat:

 

I worked 2 jobs, I did everything around the house, I cooked and cleaned to lessen the stress while she was in school, and afterwards when she could only find a part time job I was still there for her... She sucked the life out of me. When she left me she took what dignity I had left. It feels like she has hated me since the beginning of our relationship by the way she describes how miserable she was with me...

 

In the end I am glad I found out who she really is. It took some snooping around but it really saved me a life time of agony because I planned on marrying this girl and raising a family... I really love her and I think she is a sweet girl underneath all of her personal issues. Shes had a tough childhood and shes not at fault. I have done some research and I realize that she has borderline personality disorder. She fits all 9 of the criteria. The point in our relationship when I knew something was not right was when she started cutting/self mutilating herself.

 

Not until she broke my heart for the second time did I realize that she has personality disorders and that I wasn't going crazy, losing my entire self esteem, fearing I will never find someone again.

 

Its really sad that things have to be this way... I want to be apart of her life but I feel that I must "save myself"... Its going to be years before I can even think about returning to our old friendship. I am deeply heartbroken, and shes off on her new relationship happy as can be leaving me behind to pick up the pieces.

[LukeAlexander]

I can relate to that Epicurian. I'm also now in a state where everything feels meaningless and only constant thoughts of her having a great summer with someone else run around my head. It's rough. I'm gonna seek help in counseling coz' i think professional support will be the only thing that will help me to get through this storm

[LukeAlexander]

And there we go... i felt so sick from not hearing from her i sent her a polite mail (very short) just to see how she and her son were doing. Remember: we borke up in a friendly way. Got a very relaxed reply asking me how i've been and explaining that she wanted to contact me sooner but thought it was better to wait to make it easier for me. We exchanged some minor things going on and then both of us said: "talk to ya later". I know i shudn't be doing this but i'm weak. Although i feel a whole lot better now (it's the addict thing offcourse). I'm slowly starting to accept the fact thow, that it will remain casual conversation. Nothing more. I'm not gonna try to meet or anything, just gonna see what happens now and meanwhile move on. One way or another it feels good to know she's fine and i hope she finds happiness soon, just like i will

[LukeAlexander]

Hi all,

 

thought I write an "update" on stuff that's been happening. After the last post i wrote, things kinda got worse with me. I slipped into a deep depression and every day became more of a nightmare. On top of that i got a letter from my landlord saying i had to leave my appartment (he rented the place to his son). So, life looked kinda bad. Started therapy + medicins but that didn't seem to help me a lot and meanwhile: no news from my ex. I didn't contact her either.

 

Last week-end i hit rock bottom: i found myself in the hospital due to an epileptic attack (induced by them drugs). It scared the hell out of me but after being tested the medical team stated i was fine. And monday (my last night at the hospital) i get a text from my ex! (like she smelled it. hehe).

 

I replied tuesday and explained her what happened. Basically she contacted me to ask if we could meet for dinner next week. And guess what: i'm scared! Offcourse I would love to see her again (and even hope is returning a bit) but I also know that i might be in for another unpleasant "surprise" when she wants to tell me she met someone new.

 

I have no idea how to handle this. On one side i finally want to close this chapter and REALLY move on, on the other hand i'm still hoping that this separation of almost 3 months has made her rethink her position. Any suggestions on how to handle this. I'm terrified and hopefull at the same time and it's killing me...

[Ms Darcy]

If you even suspect your ex has BPD, you have no reason to meet up with her. Your life is a mess. Her life is a mess. You both need to move on, in my humble opinion. Good luck!

[iBroken]

Dont see her. My ex was BPD and its likely she is asking you to dinner because the hurricane has ended and she sees the mess she has made.

 

But another hurricane will hit if you go back to her. And again, she will be gone and you will be left in the rubble with all the broken peices.

 

The reason you are so low about this breakup is because of her BPD. Been there and done that. My therapist helped me to understand why I felt like this was the most devastating break up of all time. But really, it shouldnt be. Its just because the BPD suck the life right out of you if they have no control of their disorder (and my ex doesnt). No offense to those with BPD who are aware and are getting help.