I'm shallow

[cichlid]

I love my boyfriend but I am not attracted to him. We have been dating for 2.5 years and the relationship has been fairly happy. I mean we get along great but I have been thinking long term and I realize I can't continue with the relationship unless something changes.

 

My boyfriend has been trying to quit smoking for 2.5 years; the friends he has are not helping him as they smoke too and asking him to ditch the friends is out of the question. Right now he feels it will only take off the years of his life that he doesn't want. I've done what I can to help him quit smoking but I've had enough.

 

He is on his way to type II diabeties. He drinks at least 42 oz of soda a day for the caffiene. He eats fast food on a daily basis; he doesn't make anything himself. He does not work out. I am a healthy individual... I can get him to eat healthy when I make him meals but I am an hour and a half drive from him.

 

He stays up late and doesn't hold the same hours as a normal person. It is frustrating for me who has to work.

 

He brings me down and reminds me of my mom. He mocks my communication skills. I need a supportive partner in life.

 

He doesn't have a job. While temporary, I often wonder.

 

We rarely have sex. I am no longer attracted to him. His breath constantly smells like cigarette smoke. His physical appearance is rather disgusting. He never gets me off anymore since I am too much work. I just don't see the point of having sex with him.

 

His hygeine is awful. He bathes maybe twice a week. I've tried to make it benefical like going down on him or something. It isn't working.

 

He refuses to toss out disgusting clothes. His grandma and I have tried to get him to care a little more about him appearance.

 

At this point I have decided that enough is enough. He is comfortable and the only way for him to change is for me to leave.

 

I'm shallow. What do I do? All my friends are with him. My social life is done when I dump him. At this point it is the only thing I stay for.

[MetaphorDavis]

It'll be tough, I had to cut off my old friends and man i miss them but if they are holding you back you have to do it. Iron sharpens iron and when you hang around weak people you become weaker.

[savignon]

I don't think these things mean you're shallow. You and your boyfriend have two different standards of living with regards to health, well-being, hygene, etc. However, staying with him b/c your social life is over without him is using him which is unfair and mean. If you've made some good friends through him, perhaps they'll still hang out with you...if not, make new friends. Staying with someone you aren't attracted to and don't have anything nice to say about so that you have a social life is disingenuous at best.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Honey, you are not shallow. You are just a masochist who is slowly waking up.

 

The world is NEVER going to run out of people. You will make a thousand new friends if you want to. Real friends will stay friends even after a breakup. And even if your social life would take a temporary hit --hell, even if it turns out that the only human to speak to you for the next two months will be the GPS lady in your car-- wouldn't that be infinitely preferable to staying with what essentially amounts to a severely nicotine-addicted Yeti?

[ledi]

i think maybe having to start anew with new friends is worth it if it means not having to be with this loser.

[jengh]

Oh wow, no... you are not shallow at all! He is putting no effort in, appearance or otherwise... why would you want to be with a partner like that? He sounds, quite frankly, disgusting. Bad hygiene is a deal breaker for me.

 

Let me ask you this: What are his good qualities? Make a pro/con list. All I'm seeing is bad bad bad.

[Citlali]

I don't think these things mean you're shallow. You and your boyfriend have two different standards of living with regards to health, well-being, hygene, etc. However, staying with him b/c your social life is over without him is using him which is unfair and mean. If you've made some good friends through him, perhaps they'll still hang out with you...if not, make new friends. Staying with someone you aren't attracted to and don't have anything nice to say about so that you have a social life is disingenuous at best.

 

Spot on.

[Pegasus]

Was he smoking when you two started dating? How much of his bad habits were you aware of before entering committed relationship?

[1guygirl]

 

He stays up late and doesn't hold the same hours as a normal person. It is frustrating for me who has to work.

 

He brings me down and reminds me of my mom. He mocks my communication skills.

 

He doesn't have a job. While temporary, I often wonder.

 

We rarely have sex. He never gets me off anymore since I am too much work. I just don't see the point of having sex with him.

 

His hygeine is awful. He bathes maybe twice a week. I've tried to make it benefical like going down on him or something. It isn't working.

 

when someone mocks you, puts you down, stays up late while you go to bed (i know jus how LONELY that is) doesnt even bother to try give you pleasure sexually, doesnt bother to be clean, then these arnt niggles they are serious

 

you are not shallow, only your social life is, dont worry bout that...id rather be sat in on my own than be schmoozing with fair weather socialites

 

before you dump him, you could try to talk to him, if he dont even try change then by all means go

[MikNomis]

Do dump him, you're not shallow. While you're on that path, maybe it wouldn't hurt to give him an ultimatum first? Unlikely to be successful but nothing to lose.

[FootofGod]

Do dump him, you're not shallow. While you're on that path, maybe it wouldn't hurt to give him an ultimatum first? Unlikely to be successful but nothing to lose.

 

Hmm, typically ultimatums are frowned upon. But with the state things are in, I think telling him your demands or to GTFO might be the right path.

 

Answer me this: does this guy have ANY redeeming characteristics? I mean, at least tell me he's funny, even though at this point, that's not worth a whole lot.

[catfeeder]

You're not shallow for wanting to ditch someone with no redeeming qualities, you're only shallow for staying with him just to play with his friends.

 

Aren't you interested to learn how to make friends of your own? Don't you deserve to carve out a future where you can open yourself to loving and being loved by someone who makes you feel crazy-good to be around?

 

I'd quit your current scene--it's got zero to offer you. It might take a season or two of being alone and exploring what your true interests might actually be, but riding the back of someone else isn't going to get you any closer to happiness. Take your healthy self and go do some healthy things.

 

In your corner.

[Gullible]

Telling the truth isn't an ultimatum. "I'm not going to stay with someone who doesn't bathe." That's just communicating your needs and boundaries. If he listens to what you say and makes changes, then maybe you'll decide to stay with him. But you're going to leave anyway, regardless of whether or not you tell him why beforehand.

 

So instead of seeing it as an ultimatum, see it for what it really is: you doing him a favor and giving him a chance. Then you will know that you did everything you could, and you can wash your hands and walk away. (Wash and walk, two things he doesn't do)

[Citlali]

Was he smoking when you two started dating? How much of his bad habits were you aware of before entering committed relationship?

 

This is exactly what I wanted to ask.

[Pegasus]

This is exactly what I wanted to ask.

 

But now you can't since I already did

[cichlid]

It finally came down to basically telling him he needs to get his act together or lose me. He seemed serious about it but only time will tell.

[MikNomis]

Remember that you're not just saying this to "scare" him straight; if he doesn't impress you with change, you really are going to leave him. You have had enough and deserve what you want.

[cichlid]

At what point should I give up? I don't know what I should do. I would hate to stay in an "awful" relationship especially if it is all in my head. Then again I do not want to throw away a relationship because maybe I am not willing to work through issues? I've always regretted breaking things off with my ex and I don't want this relationship to be the same way.

 

The other evening he made a comment that I feel as if is a huge sign of disrespect. Basically he made a comment to a mutual friend that he has started to leave all my cabinets open if I leave a cabinet open AT MY APARTMENT. I tend to get distracted sometimes and will forget about things for awhile. Anyway, he and the mutual friend laughed at how great of an idea that was to teach me to close cabinets since "obviously telling [me] isn't working." I told him that it bothered me last night. He acted like I was overreacting. The phone conversation ended quickly after that. He sent me a facebook message saying he loved me around noon today.

 

I know it seems like such a silly thing to let bother me but it was almost like it represented everything in our relationship. He doesn't seem like he really wants to do anything but criticize me these days.