everything is coming apart

[kinetic32]

lately I have been feeling so down. everything just seems to be coming apart.

 

im going to be 30 this year. my life just feels so empty.. I feel so empty.

 

Im depressed.

 

after 2 years my gf and I might be breaking up.. we have been arguing lately..mostly because I feel like she isnt apart of this relationship anymore. shes just so busy all the time, the long distance doesn't help. but up until now everything was fine.. we only talk at 1030 at night for maybe 30 min.. i realized how much ive rearranged my life around to make time for us to do things together, meeting up halfway and spend the weekend in the town we were in.. or i would come down there.. i feel like the only time shes makes plans is if nothing is going on otherwise its inconvenient for her. I bring it up and tell her how i feel and she gets mad at me. she says shes in love with me... she says she wants it to work.. but she isnt willing to make more of an effort... while I am doing everything to keep things togethor.

 

I feel so off at work. Im a paramedic, I cant focus on things I feel like im becoming a bad medic.. not recognizing things, making wrong calls... no confidence in my skills anymore.

 

I work out and run all the time.. i eat well.. im 5'10 and 140lbs. i dont look muscular or cut. on top of which im going bald. I feel so unattractive for the first time in my life. it doesnt help that every girl I talk to brushes me off. theres always been great talks with them.. and i can always make them laugh.. but then they turn me down.. I have opened a couple of dating sites I put good photos on there.. some im having fun, out and about, with friends, always smiling.. a solid background about me...interests/goals/what im looking for.. ive treid to contact over 100 girls not one response from any of them.. which i dont get cause they all complain they cant find the very things that im about.. I can only assume Im just not hot enough.

 

my social life is a mess, i have very few friends.. i never get invited to anything.. I just dont get it.. im up for everything.. i dont look at lf is better than anyone else.. i have a great positive attitude when im out and about. i dont insult people..

 

anyone i try to talk to about these things they dont have time to listen.. it always goes into thier problems and i find myself helping them out.. they feel better then they have to go.. its like no one cares.

 

Im starting to feel like an alien.. like some parasite that no one wants to know...and it really breaks my heart, Im such a good guy.. I give to everyone.. always help,, always care... polite to all, im fun i enjoy everything and make the best of everything..

 

so go get counseling... they dont listen.. they give you a pill and say this will make you better... how can a pill make it better.. I have a great outlook on life... its life that doesnt have a great outlook on me.

 

I feel so hurt

I feel so alone

I feel like a jew in a town full of nazis

the rotten peanut in a bag full of cashews

the fat kid at prom that stands there and smiles while everyone just walks by.

 

I just feel like giving up.. accept my fate and just die alone fat, bald, with no friends or family, drunk and broke.

I feel like butter spread accross too much bread

 

I didnt ask for a life of pain

and no matter how hard i try its just not getting better.

 

why is this happening to me.. what have i done to be forced into exile as an outcast?

 

I envy all of you who have great looks and bodies.. the ones the everyone wants to be apart of.. that everyone loves.. who get what they want and do nothing to earn it.. then take it for granted, abuse it... and still get to keep it.

the people that everything just works out for them... all the luck is on your side..

 

can you still commit suicide.. if your already dead?

[livelarge]

I beg to differ with the statement that you have a great outlook on life. I read that poem. You are masking something with your great outlook. Perhaps the counselor did listen and they heard something in your stories that you are not ready to face. That pill might have been the start to helping with something. Or perhaps you need a new counselor if you think that one wasn't listening. All of them are not winners. You have to find the right one. But know this, none of them are going to feed your into your delusion of having a great outlook on life.

 

I have a friend who everybody who barely knows him thinks he is incredibly positive, but he's not. He has very few friends because his positive outlook is a facade and after 20 minutes of talking to him, you feel the truth about him. You know there's something he's hiding from himself and trying to hide from others. It feels like he's lying to you even though he's just lying to himself. But the falseness is there and it deters any real connections.

 

Just something to think about.

[rosephase]

You a good guy who is putting up a dating profile and contacting 100's of women for a date WHILE you have a girlfriend? That doesn't seem like something a "good guy" would do.

 

The story your telling and you actions paint different pictures.

[kinetic32]

livin: of course my outlook on life is changing.. obviously afters years of this wouldnt yours change.

 

 

rose: im putting up a dating profile because my relationship has been over for the past 5 months now.. so why shouldnt i go and explore?

 

and regardless... is that all you have to say out of everything i wrote the only thing you take from it are reasons to attack and judge?