Need confirmation

[pumpkinmoon]

I need confirmation that I have not lost a good thing.

 

I was with him for 4 years in total and in that time this is some of what I had to put up with...

 

Firstly he broke up with me because I got upset when we went to a wedding and he wiggled tongues with the female comedienne there when I was out of sight. I got upset and the next day he ended it.

 

4 months of nothing. When he broke up with me, he said that it wasn't to meet other people, he just wanted to focus on himself and his goals. That turned out to be lies. I later found out that he had been slagging me off to people when he tried to come accross as so caring to me. Instead of focusing on himself, he actually told people that he was focusing on meeting other girls and that he hadn't been the one night stand sort of person until now. He told me time and time again there was noone else and even gave me false hope that we might get back together.

 

I didn't know any of this.

 

We got back together after 4 months. His house burnt down. I did everything I could for him. He stayed at my house, had food, bathed.

 

I started getting emails from an unknown address telling me to be careful with him. The emails went on and on over the course of 2 months. In one of the emails, this person told me that in our time apart he had been on two dates and had also slept woth his sisters friend a month after our split, my stuff wasn't even out of his house by then.

 

I asked him about it. Ok he was single, but all I wanted was honestly. I couldn't believe that for someone to claim to have the same morals as me, that he could do such a thing (casual sex).

 

I asked him and he admitted it, and then dumped me again that day. I asked him that if I had asked if he had been with anyone else in our time apart, would he have told me the truth, and he said no. His sisters friend by the way was a girl who was at his house one time after his house burned down. I didn't have a clue at the time what had gone on, but he let me stand there like an idiot none the wiser. This is also the girl who he added to facebook when we got back together the first time. I found that disrespectful.

 

That night, the day he dumped me the second time, I went out and saw him out. I went to go into the club we always used to go to, and I wasn't allowed in. The bouncer knew all about our problems and told me that I couldn't go in. My ex was stood outside at the time. I asked him about it and he said nothing.

 

I went to talk to the manager, and he let me in. My ex then later left with a group of people.

 

One of the people was a girl he ended up kissing that night. The same day he broke up with me. This is also the girl who was emailing me stuff about him.

 

NC for 2 months and then I get an email from him. We meet and get back together.

 

New years eve arrives and we see one of the girls out who he went on a date with. He tried talking to her in secret so that I couldn't hear. He was holding her arms and what not until I went over and dragged him away.

 

After that, he sent her messages saying how we were having problems, when we weren't at the time and that it was great to see her and that she looked "edible". I found this very inappropriate but he couldn't understand why I was upset about it.

 

We carried on. Through our relationship I found that he was texting a girl who liked him when he was single who his brother gave his number to. He was doing this behind my back and telling her about our relationship problems.

 

Again we continued and this girl who he slept with, his sisters friend, was still visiting his house when I was there. He couldn't see why that upset me.

 

He says how disgusting one of his brothers is because he is 28 and sleeping with young girls of 18. He has said this many times. And now I know that his sisters friend was 18 at the time, he was 26.

 

I feel sick with it all. Sick that he could just dump me like that and start sleeping with an 18yr old girl. He still kept her number throughout the rest of our relationship.

 

He slags his friends off to me also which is sick. It just seems like he slags everyone off and then each of those people have a better view of him.

 

There have been other incidents. Like when we planned to go out, and then he phoned me to tell me not to come in front of all his friends.

 

At the very start of our relationship his ex was still going to his house. He said he used to hide which I believe, he hated her in the end, but he wouldn't tell her not to go to his house.

 

He has just lied constantly about a lot of things and has never been honest and he wonders why I had trust issues.

 

He told me he hated his first ex because she cheated on him. Called her all the names under the sun, but when we broke up the first time he went looking for her and now they are friends. He blames her promiscuous ways on her having an upbringing that was "too good". Just why lie???

 

He wouldn't put pictures of me on facebook, but when he went out without me there would be pictures of him turning up on the net with girls.

 

He ignored me a lot when we went out with friends, which he denies but he did.

 

I'm sure there is much more. I just wish he had been honest from the start and not act like such a decent person who I had trouble letting go of. If he had told me he wanted to sleep around and meet others it would have been so much easier on me.

 

The real kicker is that in the last three years of our relationship, he had not said I love you. He sent me a text last month telling me he did for the first time in three years. During this breakup, I asked him if he meant it and he said something along the lines of, he didn't know he sent it until the day after and that clearly he was drunk in his message and he's sorry about the impact that must have had on me.

 

We planned to go away at the end of june, but after one argument 2 weeks ago, he cancelled it.

 

Please tell me there is better out there than this and that I am not loosing much.

[BriarRose]

I cannot imagine the toll that spending so long with this person must have cost you. He treated you horribly - over and over again. You did so much for him and he took you for granted - sadly, this happens so frequently to both good-hearted men and woman.

 

Yes, you have not lost a good thing. You have lost a great source of pain and anguish. Nothing more.

[unknown100]

you are not loosing anything. he wasted enough of your time already. be strong and walk away. you will find someone else.

[pumpkinmoon]

Is all the stuff I posted above really that bad or is it in my head? Its been about 3days now and Im starting to panic that it's my fault and that he wasn't so bad after all. I don't know.

 

Would anyone else put up with that sort of stuff and think its normal?

[Eclipse11]

God I am so sorry, that sounds terrible and you certainly did the right thing in breaking up with him, so no regrets girl! He just sounds like a real * * * * * * * in so many ways, live your life, have fun...you deserve so much better! I was shocked when I read this...

Eclipse x

[pumpkinmoon]

Thanks all.

 

I feel like I am losing my mind. In a way, I didn't really break up with him, he just took it, didn't care in the slightest.

 

I don't get it though. His previous 2 ex's cheated on him. I was the only GF who didn't. I did everything I could for him. I was always there when he needed me. I washed his clothes for him, cleaned his room numerous times, I would have died for him and I am the only GF who he has treated so poorly. I don't understand that at all.

[mca1975]

You've lost a bad thing and bad things are for losing. What a horrible guy.

 

Even if you miss him sometimes now, always remember that you don't have to put up with these stories of cheating anymore, feel relieved. Never go back no matter how hard it is at first.

[ilwam]

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. He treated you so horribly. It wasn't in your head! You are truly better off without someone so disrespectful in your life. Someone else deserves your love, not this guy. I think going immediate NC with him is essential to you getting your clarity on your life and repairing your self esteem.

[pumpkinmoon]

Thank you. I have gone NC. There is still stuff to exchange, I told him I will mail his too him and asked him to do the same and offered to cover the cost.

 

There is also the business with my car. His brother reversed into it causing damage and his dad was meant to pay for it. In out last exchange he said he would get it sorted and told me to get quotes. So there will have to be contact at some stage unfortuntely.

[stalked]

Oofft.

Reading this actually made my toes curl because this douche, which really is what he is, sounds exactly like my ex G/F.

 

I understand your pain and how difficult it is to reconcile the idea that the person you thought you knew doesn't really exist at all, and make no mistake about it, anything that you thought you saw in this person, or had with this person is a figment of your imagination. I don't mean to be brutal, but this is the reality that you have to deal with now, the sooner you can convince yourself of that, and the more deeply you can convince yourself of that the better at this point.

 

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice beside the standard stuff that gets dished out to us in these circumstances: Look after yourself, eat right, get out, excercise etc etc. These things get thrown around over and over, mostly because they are the only things that work, and they do work, if you give them time.

 

Remember this though. you did everything right. You sound like a wonderful, loving, caring and above all rational person. You've just made the mistake of allowing yourself to be abused. That's a horrendous thought, I know. It's one I have had many sleepless nights over, and I am sure I will have many more, as will you most likely. He is obviously irrational, uncaring and selfish... and to be honest, he sounds more than a little sociopathic, if not psycopathic. Riddle me this.... why would any one treat another person the way he treats you and the people around him?? You wouldn't do that would you? NO, neither would I..nor would any sane person that I know, even some of the half crazed ones wouldn't

 

What's probably more important for you right now is figuring out why you got into this relationship and why you allowed him to treat you so badly for so long. Don't fall for the easy answers... you loved him, he seemed so nice, he was kind or whatever. This person abused you mercilessly, most probably for the simple reason that you allowed him to

 

There is soo much better out there for you shoefairy and you obviously deserve it.

 

Please, please, please don't fall into the trap of allowing yourself to be convinced that "he's not that bad" or "maybe it's my fault". Cut off all contact with this guy, he is totally toxic. If you allow him to get under your skin again he will continue to abuse you and it will only get worse and worse over time

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

If you want confirmation that he is not a good boyfriend, read through your past threads.

[pumpkinmoon]

Its just that when we met, the person he was back then was just unimaginably amazing. He understood. He was there for me when my ex before him cheated on me. Said he knew what I went through and that he would treat me like gold. Told me that I was the best thing to happen to him and he wished he met me years ago and that he would never want to lose me and that whatever problems we had we would work through.

 

It tool a while to convince me to be his girlfriend. But he kept on and on and eventually I did.

 

Then after his first 4 month single period, he was a completely different person. I don't know what happened to him. That's the hardest thing. The person I knew. I don't know if he really ever was that person or it was just a good act.

 

All this stuff + more happened over the course of 4 years. Each time something would come up I just dealt with it. He called me jealous, crazy and insecure for being upset for some of the things that I listed in my post above. I caught him out in so many lies and found things that he hid from me. There was never any evidence of cheating, but now I wonder.

[pumpkinmoon]

If you want confirmation that he is not a good boyfriend, read through your past threads.

 

That's what I have been doing. It's odd though because each time something happened, I got used to it each time and tried to forget about it. He always convinced me that things were not a big deal.

[Applewhite]

Wow what a catch. LOL.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This situation sort of reminds me of my ex, though he played sweet to me while constantly disrespecting me. Nothing that he was in the past should influence the present given the fact the good didn't last long. Unless he is sorry and really wants to try to make things better, he just changed, as people do, and you're left holding on to empty memories.

 

I think people can put on their best face in the beginning of relationships because they want something. If they change shortly after they get it, then they don't have integrity.

 

The bottom line is that, while relationships are hard hard work and often plagued with heartache and struggle, they should be mostly amazing. If you're not mostly pleased with him, even during the bad times and know deep down he wants the best for you, then it isn't worth batting an eyelash over.

 

There are too many humans on earth and not enough time to waste your heart on someone who is flatlining on you, interest wise and constantly giving you grief.

 

In the end I think people struggle to be alone and struggle to let go of the ideal and the past and the what ifs and what could bes more than they struggle with losing the person. Will you miss posting threads about new awful things he does? Will you miss feeling the way you did when he didn't come through for you? Probably not. You'll miss the security and the hope...all of which are solely yours. They aren't his. Take them in your possession and build your life.

[ilwam]

That's what I have been doing. It's odd though because each time something happened, I got used to it each time and tried to forget about it. He always convinced me that things were not a big deal.

 

Do you honestly think that if it was YOU who was doing all of those things, HE wouldn't think they were such a big deal? Honestly answer that question. The answer should glare at you in the face! You need to lose this guy asap.

There is a guy out there who won't take your gentleness for weakness and will not only appreciate your love, but return it. Get movin'. This guy is trash. He is manipulative and abusive. Sorry to be so blunt!!!!! You will without a doubt find far better!

[pumpkinmoon]

Do you honestly think that if it was YOU who was doing all of those things, HE wouldn't think they were such a big deal? Honestly answer that question. The answer should glare at you in the face! You need to lose this guy asap.

There is a guy out there who won't take your gentleness for weakness and will not only appreciate your love, but return it. Get movin'. This guy is trash. He is manipulative and abusive. Sorry to be so blunt!!!!! You will without a doubt find far better!

 

Each time something happened, I asked him if it was the other way around how he would feel. He said that he trusted me and that if I did the things he did it wouldn't bother him because he is not a jealous person.

[pumpkinmoon]

This was very insightful. Thank you so much for this.

 

During the past break ups, the thing that scared me a lot was being alone. Now for some reason this time, I don't have that fear at all. I also had a fear of never meeting anyone else. I no longer have that fear. My biggest fear now is meeting someone, and not feeling anything. I am terrified that I will never feel for someone else the way I felt about him.

[Mercurial Girl]

Even though you're hurting, you must feel such a sense of relief that you don't have to be looking over your shoulder all the time looking for the next thing or person to come around and threaten your relationship. Your relationship was not stable at all -- it must have brought you sooo much anxiety! Focus on how good it feels to be free of that, to have that weight finally taken off your shoulders.

 

Also, ughhhh what a douche. Girl you're gonna look back on this and shake your head and be SO happy to be free of him!

[penelope13]

I am the only GF who he has treated so poorly. I don't understand that at all.

 

Not to sound harsh: but you were probably the only person who put up with his crap and never taught him that if he wanted to remain with you there is a certain amount of respect you demand from him.

 

Yes you through fits, but there were never real consequences for him. His behavior continuously went down hill, nevertheless you swallowed and accepted it all. This kind of pattern usually leads to people losing respect for you and them testing you how far they can go (subconsciously or consciously).

 

I would strongly recommend to stop focusing on him and solely focusing on yourself and how to increase your self image, self worth, and redefine your healthy boundaries.

 

Just because someone treats you nice for 5min doesn't buy them the right to treat you look nothing in the following years.

 

You will no doubt find someone better as long as YOU demand more.

[ilwam]

Each time something happened, I asked him if it was the other way around how he would feel. He said that he trusted me and that if I did the things he did it wouldn't bother him because he is not a jealous person.

 

You know that's not true right?

 

Imagine you swirled your tongue with some guy and he found out. His POV would not be what I bolded above.

 

Imagine you have party pics posted of you with a guy on the internet. His POV would not be what I bolded above.

 

Etc.

 

He would be cussing you out saying everything he said about his Exs.

I almost wonder if he isn't getting some sort of pleasure like retribution for what he went through with his cheating Exs on you. Don't play this part for him any longer.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This was very insightful. Thank you so much for this.

 

During the past break ups, the thing that scared me a lot was being alone. Now for some reason this time, I don't have that fear at all. I also had a fear of never meeting anyone else. I no longer have that fear. My biggest fear now is meeting someone, and not feeling anything. I am terrified that I will never feel for someone else the way I felt about him.

 

Your fears are natural, but you should know that nothing really ever stays exactly the same. Someone will come along, you won't be alone, you may be alone again, etc, etc, but I can almost guarantee you- he won't be on a pedestal forever, you will find someone who makes you realize he isn't worth that.

[kitty1223]

hi shoefairy,

 

I wanted to tell you that reading this reminds me a lot of my ex boyfriend. The constant texts/calls/secrets and him not being able to say i love you

are amongst the things I had to deal with as well.

 

at the time, I never thought I could let him go, so the years rolled by and instead of 24 I was 30. and nothing had changed with him. we never went to

the next level despite his words and promises.

 

i would give my left ear to be in your shoes right now--which is free. free of any toxic relationship, doubts, disappointment. This is your chance to shine

and go out and start fresh.

 

i know the panicky feeling as well. it's terrible. but it will pass in a week or two. please don't think he is ot that bad. i am struggling myself, but hopefully i will be where you are now.

 

stay strong

[pumpkinmoon]

Even though you're hurting, you must feel such a sense of relief that you don't have to be looking over your shoulder all the time looking for the next thing or person to come around and threaten your relationship. Your relationship was not stable at all -- it must have brought you sooo much anxiety! Focus on how good it feels to be free of that, to have that weight finally taken off your shoulders.

 

Also, ughhhh what a douche. Girl you're gonna look back on this and shake your head and be SO happy to be free of him!

 

I do feel a sense of relief. I am a very moralistic person with strong values of what is right or wrong. We even talked before we broke up about other people. He said that if we broke up and I had been with someone else, he would hate it and not get back together.

 

The thought that he had been with someone else has plagued me every day for almost 3 years. I tried to put it from my mind but I couldn't. I thought about it every day and seeing her at his house sometimes was just so hard.

 

Yes he was single, but he had me believe he had the same morals and values as I did concerning things like that. That was one of the hardest things. It felt like I no longer knew who he was.

 

Also, he wasn't honest. He had me go back to him knowing that it would have been something too hard for me but he didn't give me the information I needed to decide if getting back together was what I really wanted. The choice was taken from me.

 

It's also hard knowing that he could be with someone else so soon after the break up when at the same time he slept with her, I was still off work, I hadn't eaten in weeks and I was surviving on coffee, cigarettes and alcohol. Still thinking that I had lost such a great decent person and it was all my fault. I dropped from 8st to 6.5st in a month. My friends thought I was anorexic. It was physically painful because the bones were protruding from my skin. When I did go back to work, I used to come home and throw up. I wished for a terminal illness. It's sick, but when I heard of people getting cancer and such ilnesses, I was jealous. I wanted an end.

 

He couldn't understand why I was so hurt when I found out. He told me he was single at the time and it was none of my business when all the while he was telling me there was noone else and he wasn't interested in anyone else and when I asked if we would ever get back together, he said he didn't know.

 

And at the time, all of my things were still in his room. It makes me sick to think that that took place with my things around and wondering if she touched anything of mine.

[pumpkinmoon]

You know that's not true right?

 

Imagine you swirled your tongue with some guy and he found out. His POV would not be what I bolded above.

 

Imagine you have party pics posted of you with a guy on the internet. His POV would not be what I bolded above.

 

Etc.

 

He would be cussing you out saying everything he said about his Exs.

I almost wonder if he isn't getting some sort of pleasure like retribution for what he went through with his cheating Exs on you. Don't play this part for him any longer.

#

 

That night, before I knew anything had happened, he said he has something I'm not going to like. He then showed me the picture that had been taken less than an hour earlier when I was out of sight of him and this comedienne touching tongues. It's like he wanted to cause trouble. His friend then later told me with a smirk on his face in front of the bf and everyone else we were will that they swirled them, he made a gesture with his hands.

 

I went quiet. We went on to a club afterward and my bf kept asking me to sit with him. I couldn't. When we got back to his house I cried my eyes out and he got angry and left me there. The next day he ended it via text.

 

He did admit afterward that it was wrong of him but meant nothing. If that could happen with me out with him, I wonder what went on when I wasn't there. I dread to think.