Is it him or am I being needy?

[misspriss1419]

Ive been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We went to San Francisco last week for 5 days. We had a great time. Now that we are back I feel like his attention is being focused elsewhere.

 

A few nights ago he did not let me know he was hanging out with the boys like he usually does and I was up worrying about him. Then he just says sorry like it is no big deal. Every time I text him it takes him forever to write me back. Then he will be like "oh im watching the game", etc etc. I understand that, and thats fine, but dont try to engage me in a conversation and then not respond when I ask a question or tell you something. I sent him a text telling him I loved him and he never responded. When I asked him about it in person he was like "uhhh, you didnt send me that text".

 

I guess, without trying to explain every situation, I just feel like he has backed off or isnt acting like he normally does.

[pumpkinmoon]

Can you give more details about the relationship itself? Has he always been this way?

[JusticeLaw9]

Without any details as far as the relationship, I'm not sure anyone can offer any solid insight. But just looking at it from afar it sounds like he's starting to go cold on you.

[misspriss1419]

Can you give more details about the relationship itself? Has he always been this way?

 

At the beginning of our relationship it was like pulling teeth to get him to be affectionate or show emotion. He has gotten a lot better about it. He would say I love you a lot more.

 

I feel like now the only time he shows any emotion is when I am with him, if that. Sometimes I feel like he only gives me attention when he wants sex.

 

Sorry, Im having a hard time putting my thoughts/feelings into words right now. Hope you understand what I am saying.

[imnotenough]

Ugh, I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I am dealing with the same thing myself. I would sit down and talk to him about what's going on and how you're feeling without sitting there and sounding like you're coming at him i guess? It's hard to explain.

[pumpkinmoon]

I understand completely. It sounds exactly like what I went through. He was fine when we were together, but when we were apart, it was like I didn't exist. No talk of feelings. Very little contact. Sometimes it would take up to 9 hours to get a reply to a simple text. I went through years of this with him and it slowly killed me off. We broke up yesterday properly for the third and final time. I say talk to him about how you are feeling. See if he is willing to put in more effort. If nothing changes then don't stick around to be treated like you don't matter. If I knew then what I know now, i'd have been gone a long time ago. Instead I wasted years of my life on him hoping he would change and trying to convince myself that deep down he cared.

[JusticeLaw9]

So is he not consistent, is that the problem? I think you should talk to him about that and try to see where his mind is. Sometimes people don't know that whatever is they're doing is causing a problem. If you don't talk to him about it, he won't know and therefore he can't work on it or straighten it out. Talk to him and see if you can make that happen.

[misspriss1419]

So is he not consistent, is that the problem? I think you should talk to him about that and try to see where his mind is. Sometimes people don't know that whatever is they're doing is causing a problem. If you don't talk to him about it, he won't know and therefore he can't work on it or straighten it out. Talk to him and see if you can make that happen.

 

yes, hes not consistent and its hard to keep up with. He will be very affectionate for a while and ill do the same, then Ill continue to be affectionate and he will pull back so I feel retarded because Im doing so much more. Then Ill pull back and he questions why...thats pretty much how it goes.

[waveseer]

I'm pretty good at picking this type of man. In my experience they don't want to change and they will for a little while if they think they'll lose you if they don't. I know people can change, but in my life they didn't/couldn't even though they may have wanted to. In the end I'd rather be alone than hanging around waiting for a man to pay attention to me.

[RedDress]

At the beginning of our relationship it was like pulling teeth to get him to be affectionate or show emotion. He has gotten a lot better about it. He would say I love you a lot more.

 

I feel like now the only time he shows any emotion is when I am with him, if that. Sometimes I feel like he only gives me attention when he wants sex.

 

Here's the thing. Your guy? He's not an affectionate or emotional guy. He tries... he tries hard for YOU... but he's just not that guy. Your relationship will continue to do the same cycle. Because you want him to be someone he's not. So he's trying... he's trying... but ultimately, when things are going well, he will relax and go back to 'himself' - which is a non-affectionate and non-emotional guy.

 

It's like people who are messy. They can try for a while not to be messy. They can work on it. They can feel bad about it. But... at some point... the mess will appear again. On it's own. Out of nowhere. Because it's who they are.

 

I think there are two sides to this coin. You have to meet in the middle. On his end, he has to understand what this behaviour does to you. On your end... you have to accept that he's just not that guy. I mean really accept it. Make a point of trying not to let it bother you.

 

I hate texts. I don't answer them either. Or if I do, it's not promptly. And I understand hanging out with the guys and maybe forgetting to mention it. Clearly he has a cell phone. Rather than waiting up all night - why not just call and ask what he's up to?

 

You have to meet half way.

 

Just my opinion.

[WomanWriter]

You aren't being needy. Did something happen on your trip together that turned him off? Maybe spending time together brought out bad habits that you are unaware of and instead of him communicating to you about it, he's being passive-aggressive. This is how my ex fiance was and I have to say that I am actually glad to be rid of that aspect of our relationship!

 

After being with him, I met my current ex who was (and still is) very affectionate with me and is even more attentive to my needs since studyin communication skills. It makes a big difference in my feeling wanted. So much so that I could never have someone like your boyfriend (or my ex fiance) again.

 

I think you should first talk, but then I would leave. There ARE affectionate guys out there..you just have to find them. I was surprised by my last ex's attention, but now I am starting to fall in love with him because he's so tender. When I think about how sweet and attentive he is compared to my ex before him, I actually don't know how I put up with my ex fiance's aloofness for so long!

 

Good luck to you!

[Anotherday]

Maybe I'm strange, but you were just together for 5 days 24/7. What is wrong with some space?

[monkeygirl12]

maybe Im wrong but isnt ok to not be available ALL the time..if he takes 2 hours to respond does that mean hes not interested? no means hes doing something OR like when I ask my bf "you didnt respond my text" he'll say "well it was nothing to respond to" ..sometimes not everythin needs an answer..if you text I love you, are you saying it to expect a response or because you actually mean it???? if its the latter then it shouldnt matter that he didnt respond..right??

[Batya33]

I agree with the last two posters about needing space and you reacting in a needy way. I would cut wayyy down on the texts and it sounds like you are texting him "I love you" mostly because you want to trigger a response - that seems a little needy/manipulative/not that loving to me. I'll give you an example. Yesterday my husband had to spend the day in the hospital with his mother who is in ICU. That is very stressful. That meant that I had the baby all to myself rather than having him here for a little break here and there. Also kind of stressful. How did I show that I loved my husband? By not calling him AT ALL so he would have the time and space to spend with his mother and father, to meet with the doctors, to do all those predictable and unpredictable things that you have to do when a loved one is ill.

 

There were times I would have liked to hear his voice, to chat about what the baby was doing, what I was doing, to find out whether we should change our plans, all of those things - but I knew that being loving to him yesterday meant leaving him alone even though I "needed" something different. Same here - you are focusing on what you need and want from him and you have some sort of script planned out "if I text I love you he should text back I love you too within __ amount of hours" "if I say "guess what happened at lunch today!" he has to say back "what happened?" with enthusiasm.

 

Why not thik of things from his perspective - that is, be a loving person who thinks of the other person's best interests, of how the other person needs you to show him love and caring. Maybe showing love is giving him space, letting him off the hook, saying nicely, without sarcasm or resentment "you sound a bit distracted - enjoy the game, speak to ya later!"

 

Or, you can do what I used to do with a very reserved/distant ex who definitely loved me as much as he was able

 

Me: "guess what happened today - I finally finished that project"

Him: "oh, that's good"

Me: "um can I do your side of the conversation"

Him "sure....."

Me "really, that's great! what finally motivated you to do it?"

 

 

Often we would laugh and he got the message as to what I needed. But, honestly, it was one of the reasons we didn't work long term.

 

Oh and one more thing - I would stop texting so much as a form of communication - too much room for misunderstanding.

[SpottiOtti]

but I knew that being loving to him yesterday meant leaving him alone even though I "needed" something different

 

I like this a lot, Batya. That is a wise way to approach a relationship.

 

When my BF and I were first dating, we would text all day long. Then I started noticing that when he was at work, it took him longer and longer to respond. At first I was like, is he getting annoyed that I'm texting too much? I would be sort of hurt if he didn't text me back when I asked him something. Then I realised that I was being unreasonable. The guy's at work, trying to do his job! Now I just leave him alone when he's at work, and I think that I am being more loving to him, as Batya said, by giving him space and not being like "Why didn't you answer my text about how your day was going?"

 

On the other hand, OP, it sounds like he will not ever be the cuddly bear that you hope for. Sounds like it's just not his personality type. Can you be okay with that?

[lala1985]

I think you should go to the book store and get a book called "why men marry * * * * * es" It is the best book ever and will help you understand men. You won't regret it!

[misspriss1419]

Im fine with it as long as hes consistent. I dont mean consistently loving on me all the time. I mean just pick a reasonable way that he feels he can stick with. I have also been compromising as well. I dont get mad if he doesnt text me back right away because I know he could be driving or working, etc. Its the times that we are in the middle of a conversation and he just goes out for a run and doesnt say anything, or something like that.

[misspriss1419]

Maybe I'm strange, but you were just together for 5 days 24/7. What is wrong with some space?

 

Space is fine. I never said it wasnt. We got back on a Thursday and I did not see him until Monday. But space doesnt mean not really talking to me.