Should I break up with her?

[LoveConfused]

Weighing out everything, I do not know if I should break up or not. I'm not really sure when should I resort to a break up, but certainly, these same problems keep coming back up. I should also add that I am 23 and she is 22.

 

I love this girl, and there are somethings we share that are very different than most couples. However, I have a hard time with her past. I learned all about her past before we started going out. I was one of those guys who chased her for a long time and waited for her even when she was in a relationship, so I know everything. This brings me to my first point, after a year, I still have a hard time getting over it. Obviously it's not as bad as before, but I still have some vivid imaginations of her ex on top of her. You can say that I'm being a jerk for not accepting her past or whatever, but trust me, I'm trying. I brought it up recently and openly said that her past is bugging me again. She got mad, so we got into a little argument. I don't know what I want to gain by bringing it up, but I expected a more gentle response. I was hoping to discuss it in someway, constructively, to help put this behind us (even though we have plenty of times before). I love some of her motherly and caring traits.

 

There's also the sex problem, well, I heard how actively sexual she was in her past relationship (from her), and she told me she felt like she was obligated to because of her ex partner, but with me it's different. She can be herself around me.I'm not satisfied. To go more in detail about sex, I always have to wear a condom, and it just seems like a turn off when we're in the moment. Otherwise I don't even get any. Sometimes it seems like I am too big, and that I'm hurting her upon entry (I'm only 5 inches). Sex is not as often and great as I want it to be, and she's not sexually spontaneous. She's also really unwilling to try things. It's not all about sex, but come on! There has to be some effort put into this to make it work. I feel like I'm going all the way for her. To top this all off, I feel like she never asks for sex. It's always me. What the heck? I swear there was one month where tested it by not asking her and jerked off more than we had sex. I have discussed it with her before, and it changes for a while but it ends up the same way again!

 

Other than these things, I feel like we get along very well. We see each other practically everyday and virtually have no problems. I did not say much about the positives in our relationship, but pretty much everything else other than what I have a problem with is fine and I can deal with it. I just feel like my original interpretation of her was very different from now.

[abitbroken]

Firstly, you knew about her past before you dated her, so you really can't hold it against her. What exactly is it about her past that bothers you? Was it the fact that she had a boyfriend that she had sex a lot with? You cannot punish her for her past, but only control how you feel about it and how you react to it.

 

Nextly, as far as condoms go - maybe she has learned from the mistakes in her past and has become more mature as far as birth control. If she and you are not ready to have a child, then a condom is the way to go - either as the only contraceptive or a good back up method to other methods. You can either sulk about it or make it part of "play" by having the condom nearby and having her "help" put it on you. She IS insisting on this for BOTh of your benefits

 

If you feel you are hurting her, perhaps you need some lubricant or are not using lubricated condoms or she is not 'ready' when you go in. Even if a woman's mind is ready, her body may take a few to follow. Maybe more foreplay is in order. Also, because the brain is a major sex organ, if you fight about her past, she is not going to be in a hot mood for you. PS, its not just about length, its about width if you are wide.

[LoveConfused]

I just feel like I'm less attractive to her because of the lack of sex. While that should not determine how attracted she is to me, it sheds some fact about her sexual attraction.

 

Condoms are fine with me, it's not a bad thing. I was kind of emphasizing how she cannot be a little spontaneous sometimes.

 

Regarding the whole past issue, it seems like I have to either end the relationship (if it still bothers me) or continue the relationship by accepting it. Which is why I ask for advice and experience, how can I handle it? what's the deal breaker to end the relationship, etc...?

[catfeeder]

You knew her past before you went in, so that's more than lame. In fact, in your GF's shoes, if you brought that up as bothering you a whole year later, I'd give you the boot so fast and so hard, you'd need a GPS to find your way home.

 

You're putting GF in an impossible situation by bringing up her past as though there's a thing she can do about it now. You're in full control of where you allow your negative fantasies of her to roam, so cut it out.

 

All relationships are voluntary. If you're not happy in this one, you're perfectly entitled to leave it without making up excuses to try to sound justified. Wanting out is a valid enough reason to get out. If you don't want out, then make it work--and the topic of her past is off the table.

[geekgirl4]

Wait...so.... you always have to wear a condom and that's a turnoff and you want her to be more spontaneous? So.... you want to risk the chance of pregnancy so you can feel better? Sorry but this part REALLY stuck out to me and even just reading it sounds ridiculous...

 

As for the past thing, you have to get over it. There's no way to explain around or over it. It's pure and simple, you , keyword you, have to get over it. The past is the past and she has the right to get upset that after a year you still can't get over it. The past is what led her to you, you have to accept it. I agree with catfeeder, it's not like you found this out during the relationship, it's something you knew when you decided to pursue her. If you still had problems with it, if I was your gf, I would also be very upset that you're hung up on something like this.

 

And another thing, you're comparing your level of sex to her ex's, even though she TOLD you that it was done out of obligation and not because she really wanted to? She was honest to say that she feels she can be herself around you and you're going to be upset about it? Dude, if you want more sex than the usual, work at getting her in the mood and talk to her about it too. Ask her what you can do to put her in mood more. But in no way should you make her feel bad about how you think the level of sex is worse compared to her past.

 

Relationships are voluntary. If you can't deal with her past then you can't stay in it. But don't try to pass this off as something that's more her fault. IMO, you have quite a hand in the issues as well.

[soporcogitavi]

Dude are you serious? You're the one who pursued her by the sounds of it, and now you cant deal with her past, it sounds like you may have some insecurity issues with yourself and thus within the relationship.

 

Also the notion that you must have unprotected sex is a little alarming and further confirms that you may be insecure, why is this a necessity? Do you want a child with her?

[abitbroken]

I just feel like I'm less attractive to her because of the lack of sex. While that should not determine how attracted she is to me, it sheds some fact about her sexual attraction.

 

Condoms are fine with me, it's not a bad thing. I was kind of emphasizing how she cannot be a little spontaneous sometimes.

 

Regarding the whole past issue, it seems like I have to either end the relationship (if it still bothers me) or continue the relationship by accepting it. Which is why I ask for advice and experience, how can I handle it? what's the deal breaker to end the relationship, etc...?

 

No, the frequency doens't determine how attracted she is. Do you both live alone with no rooommates or parents, etc? Do you both have light work schedules or work schedules that match up most of the time - giving you some down time alone by yourselves so that you are not sleepy or stressed when seeing eachother? There are a lot of reasons why people don't have sex. Tons of stuff can get in the way and make it not so easy. If you are penalizing her because she doesn't have sex every single day with you - that's selfish. Its part of a mature relationship to not have to have eachother's hands all over the other one at all times.

 

Not using a condom is stupidity, not spontaneous. I would say if you love her and everything else is fine except for what's in your head, it is really your issue and not hers. You are the one who is having trouble with it. It really is something that is in your mind - you chose to want to be with her knowing the past to begin with. Maybe you should consider counseling or some other way of finding someone to help you sort this out. Most women are going to have had a boyfriend prior to you when they meet you, and if they weren't the town bicycle, but had a steady boyfriend that you have trouble imagining her with in the past or think about what they did, then it is YOUR insecurity.

 

There is some truth to the "if you are not uncomfortable, end it" but this is something that you already accepted - its not something she is doing now.

 

BTW, women can sense if you are uncomfortable with stuff about them and if you nag thwem about the frequency of sex, it will make them feel like sex even less rather than produce the effect of them trying to please you more.

[Nerdyjock]

If I were in your shoes I'd feel the same way about most of the things you said. Those things are hard to get past.

 

But I have to be honest here, and I know you realize this to an extent, but these are your problems, not hers.

 

You are right in that you should be able to say that her past bugs you and even if it hurts her, it would be nice of her to respond more gently. However, I think you may be more satisfied with her response in a way that shows that it is your issue that you'd like her support on. Example: "I can't help but have these ideas about your past that bug me, do you know of anything we can do or talk about to help me get past them?"

 

here is a rule of thumb I live by in my relataionships: whatever you know about the person before you get into a relationship with them is non-negotiable for change. What I mean is, I only bring up things to work on as a couple that I didn't know about or things that have developed while we were together.

 

It's a lesson I learned very hard from my first serious relationship, and it has worked great for me.

 

I'm by no means saying you shouldn't be bothered by this- I just reccomend presenting it to her as a problem you need help solving.

[Ms Darcy]

Dude are you serious? You're the one who pursued her by the sounds of it, and now you cant deal with her past, it sounds like you may have some insecurity issues with yourself and thus within the relationship.

 

Also the notion that you must have unprotected sex is a little alarming and further confirms that you may be insecure, why is this a necessity? Do you want a child with her?

 

I agree with this. You sound incredibly insecure and I think it was a mistake to bring up your insecurity about her past with the expectation that she would want to sit there and talk through your insecurities. That wouldn't resolve anything.

 

I agree also that your statements about sex were disturbing; it sounds like she's trying to avoid pregnancy. It's also entirely possible her sex drive at this time is just not as high as yours.

 

Lastly, I think you should sit down and talk to her about how she feels about the relationship. You focus on the sex aspects, and you are good with everything else for the most part. I am wondering what her perspective on the other parts are with that.