I caught my husband cheating, help!

[dogfan]

This is my first time ever posting a message on the internet. Here's my story: We've been married 8.5 years, we are both in our late 50's. I found an email from my husband's lover and told him to move out the same day. He moved in with his 35 yr. old, 120 lb. never had children, from Thialand lover and her 78 yr old husband. They are swingers, so all three have sex together. They also go to clubs for swingers. Now that I have cooled off and been alone I am re-thinking divorce. We have talked about it and are going to go our own ways for a while. He has bought his own place so he's not living with them anymore, but they still swing. He doesn't know if the swinging lifestyle if what he wants or not. I am not disgusted by swinging I just don't want to participate. I'm looking for advice from anyone. Am I a fool for wanting him back? I love him very much and I believe he still loves me.

I'm not even sure how to view any answers, but I will figure it out.

[Huxley1607306450]

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

This is my advice to you. Your situation sounds as if it's extremely in need of repair, particularly your husband. Marriage is not something you treat with such disregard. There seems to be an obvious lack of commit on his part for you. Marriages simply do not work unless both partners are committed to each other. The act of swinging, for me shows a complete, lack of devotion and committment on his part.

 

I think you were very strong in kicking him out of the door as soon as you found out what he did. You have boundaries that you adhere to in a relationship, and you obviously know exactly what you will and will not tolerate. I would not simply welcome him back in your life without seriously discussing if he's willing to stay within your boundaries that you've set out. If he is, I would suggest that you both attend marriage counseling to hopefully work out the problem if your both willing.

 

Since you've both decided to go your own ways for awhile, I'd stick to that before really deciding whether or not to try and rebuild your marriage. It'll give you both the time and space to firmly come to terms with what you feel and what you both want. When you both feel comfortable, you can have that discussion and possibly pursue counseling.

 

Good luck to you! And stay strong!

[Gilgamesh]

This is a difficult thing to give a response to, because so many things depend on you and what is acceptable.

 

Your initial reaction was to be hurt because you feel betrayed, and lied to. a "trust" has been broken.

 

But if you really believe he loves you, and this is just a physical thing for him. can you accept that in your life? in other words ,if everything is the same in your houshold and he is affectionate and loving to you as he has always been, would it bother you if is swinging? if you are not comfortable in that kind of situation, then Id say get out of it.

 

Personally I would not be very happy in that kind of a situation and I agree with Huxley in commitment between a couple, but thats just me, and this is about you. most would probably find all kinds of reasons for you not to accept this. but only you know how you will feel. there are plenty of couples in this world with all kinds of arrangments, its a lot more common than people would like to believe. I dont criticize these relationships, I live in the belief that if there is no victim, there is no crime. if you dont feel like a victim in this situation, then there is no crime. what one person finds appalling another may find admissible.

 

A couple more points, if you two decide to continue having a physical relationship, you have to remember the risks involved with him swinging. and possibly bringing an uninvited bug home. but on the other hand this swinging thing is probably a phase he is going through, a novelty he may get bored with eventually.

[SwingFox]

Hi Dogfan,

 

My suggestion is as simple as it is effective: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the only obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy."

 

I understand that you find your situation very difficult. I would thereforeeeeeee suggest you to sit down and think of what you really need and look for in a relationship and marriage with this guy. I find you very open minded regarding this issue, so I advice you that you approach your feelings over this whole situation open minded, too.

 

I wish you luck on what you decide.

 

~ SwingFox ~