New girl at work, but has boyfriend who hits her?

[madhornet]

Basically there's a girl who has recently started in the department where I work. We're a small company (about 25 people) so we get to work pretty closely. From chatting initially we don't seem to have that many interests in common but she seems really nice and friendly and we get on well. She's 19 and I'm 27 so granted there is fair age gap but there's one problem.

 

I was walking to work as usual this morning and saw her outside the office talking to her boyfriend in this very expensive looking car having a huge argument. As I walked past she said hi to me and I said hi back but didn't really look at either of them cos from a distance I didn't really like the look of him and thought he might hit me as well if I dared look at him.

 

The thing is we're getting on fine and every day she comes into work she has more and more bruises on her from him (this is purely my assumption so I cannot prove it). However I get on really well with her and despite her only working with our company for about 2 weeks I'd like to get to know her better, but if she has this boyfriend who supposedly treats her so badly perhaps I'm better off staying out of it? I don't want to get tied into the nice guy cheering her up while she stay with the idiot boyfriend situation.

 

That's basically the background behind my dilemma. As I've only known her about 2 weeks, I really want some advice on how to handle this situation - my main aim is to get to know her better but while he is in the picture and if he does hit her I don't think I should get involved. Any thoughts most welcome and appreciated.

[Tinkerbell]

while he is in the picture and if he does hit her I don't think I should get involved

 

I completely disagree with that statement. If you care about this girl and wish to pursue something, why not get involved? Don't start accusing her boyfriend of abusing her, just talk to her and casually bring up her relationship. Let her know you care and that you're there for her. If she doesn't say anything about him hitting her, it'd be best for you not to bring it up because she may get very defensive. On the other hand, if she makes it clear that he is violent than you must try to help her free herself from such a harmful relationship. Right now try not to think about dating her, but ensuring her well-being first.

[Gilgamesh]

I know you are a good person and we all want to be heroes ( i get my fix here )

 

but if her boyfriend is hitting her, she knows it, she also knows its wrong, you could ask her how she got the bruises, ask her if she is into kick boxing or something.

 

(I actually had a female friend that was always bruised, she was a professional kick boxer)

 

If she does bring up that her boyfriend is abusing her, you could tell her thats not right that no man should ever hit a woman and that she should get out of it. but thats as far as you should get involved.

 

Some women have low self esteem and get into these relationships, over and over again they find the same kind of abusive guys, they actually believe there is something wrong with them selfs, I have even seen them defend their mans abuses, like saying stuff like, well i deserved it, i should have known better than to put the peanut butter in the fridge or they will say, yeah but he does it because he loves me.

 

These are deep problems that you are not going to fix, if she is one of these kind of women, she will not be attracted to decent guys, sure, she will be appreciative and say oh how wonderful, but eventually she ends up with the same guy or another one thats similar.

[Scout]

Gilgamesh - really disagree with your post. This is a woman here who could be in real danger, who cares what kind of guys she's attracted to? Are you saying she is attracted to getting beaten and that its her fault? You have no idea how the circle of abuse starts, it certainly doesn't start as soon as the guy introduces herself.

 

If you suspect she's being beaten, you should call a police abuse hotline. This isn't a romantic problem, this is a real person here that you suspect is getting physically abused.

[Gilgamesh]

Somehow my response is got a Little mis-understood, I never said that THIS woman is like this, we have no idea why she is even bruised! the poster is just assuming her boyfriend bruised her.

 

so "IF" she is being abused, there "IS" a possibility that no matter how much you try to help. that she will just keep going back.

 

I have friends that are cops that see this all the time, and I have seen this with my own eyes, I have personally tried to help and give them advice and direct them to authorities and to get help, all that. they say they will, they say I will never let him do that again, weeks later they are back.

just ask a cop or judge etc how many cases get dropped because one or the other drops the charges. If this girls man is an abuser, he is a scum bag thats right, and he should be locked up, but she does not have to be with him. go to your local jail house, and ask, who it is that bails out the husbands/wifes of domestic abuse, thats right, the one that got beat up, sorry , I live in the real world, good guys sometimes lose, and heroes sometimes get hurt, there is also a risk to the poster by getting involved.

 

Lets see, im an abusive possesive guy, oh look at this guy butting into my business and talking to my girl, must be him thats putting all these crazy ideas into her head, maybe i should teach him a lesson.

 

No risk to us behind the monitors.

 

Could this woman the poster is talking about be anything like that, well we just don't know, it "could" be, maybe she is bruised for other reasons, maybe she was mugged, maybe she is in some kind of rough sports, thats why I suggested he find out, by asking if she was into kick boxing or something (to break the ice) , maybe she will admit somethingt to this man that who she hardly knows.

 

What would you do, if you have an abusive spouse? just pack up and leave, thats what most do, if the person is a real whack job, you get a restraining order. fact is, anyone that allows themselves to be abused over and over, has got something wrong with them period. but as far as we know, this woman was painting her house and fell into the bushes, or got into a traffic accident.

 

Get the facts first, weigh the options/risks, then take steps from there. "IF" she is being abused, point her in the right direction, if you want to call the cops on the guy, well thats your option, will that change the situation any? maybe, but doubtfull, the guy will be out in a few days, and pissed off more than before at her and at you, you see, calling the cops on this guy, isnt going to make her not go back to him when he gets back out, your back to square one. She needs to "want" to leave him, and guess what?, she can do that right now.

 

good luck. please keep us posted on this.

[Scout]

Hammett, you're my kind of guy!!!! Gilgamesh, I'm sorry if I misunderstood your first post. But I still disagree with your basic point here, which seems to indicate that people who are abused are masochists who don't want to get out of the cycle. I have to tell you, I had a boyfriend many years ago who turned into an abuser. He wasn't like that at first, and I was really in love with him, so when he started being abusive, I was in shock, made excuses, etc. Probably because I was so young, if someone was like that to me now, I would put them in the hospital. Anyway, by the time I stopped making excuses for him, and wanted to leave, I was terrified of this guy. He was bigger and stronger than me, and had threatened to kill me and than himself. His friends knew he was like that, none stepped in to help me. Finally, my family got wise to what was going on, came over with a truck to help me move out of the place we shared, and threatened him that if he ever bothered me again, they'd beat the out of him.

 

So, I speak from experience. I don't think you do.

 

To the original poster, no, you shouldn't try and physically intervene yourself if you are scared of this guy and think he might hurt you, but you should call an abuse hotline. I mean, we should all help each other best we can when we see someone who can't protect herself or himself from their abuser, who is often much stronger and more powerful than they are.

[madhornet]

Well I spoke to the girl at work a bit more today, just gradually finding out a bit more about her and she talked a bit about the current boyfriend and my impresssion is he seems to basically control almost everything she does. When I questioned her a bit further she called him something I won't repeat here but gave me the impression she wasn't happy with him. I'm not really that intimidated by him as I'm fairly capable of taking care of myself but often these situations can turn a bit nasty, hence why I'm not inclined to contact an abuse hotline until I am totally sure of the facts and that if I did I could remain anonymous and need to know that she wouldn't mention me if he lost it.

 

The fact that she comes in every day with more bruises in different places and keeps trying to cover them up with her long hair and long sleeved clothes on boiling hot summer days makes me think it's more than just simple accidents or attained through extreme sports or kick boxing.

 

There are quite a few women working at our office and it might be easier for one of them to approach the subject more directly than I am, as she might feel a bit less inhibited about the subject if discussing it with a female as opposed to a male.

 

I appreciate this is heading a bit off topic and I don't want it to, but basically I'm just going to keep chatting to her (difficult being shy but chatting to girls can only make it easier), getting to know her and find out more bit by bit, if she's ready to tell me things she will do in time. Maybe my shyer side is coming out too much and I should just say what I'm thinking to her but that has usually not worked out well in the past and being this forward after a mere 2 weeks of occasional chats at work might not be a good idea just yet. If at any stage I feel uncomfortable I can just call it a day.

 

Any developments I shall post, and keep my fingers crossed.

[Gilgamesh]

Thats a good idea, having another woman talk to her, i'm glad your gaining her confidence slowly, Unlike "Scouts" experience, your not her family and do not have her confidence yet to the level where you can just come riding in on the white pony, or pickup truck, and rescue her.

 

Do find out the facts, and then take it from there. I think your handling it ok.