NEED Help moving forward with her or without her

[ShatteredDreamsOfFamily]

First time poster, short time visitor here. I am in a terribly paralyzing situation. And I want to apologize in advance for the length. About 2 and half years ago, I got back together with my gf from highschool (We are 27 currently) who I really care for and adore. She treated me like dirt in highschool, and when we crossed paths again, had a discussion about the problems we had. She admitted to treating me horribly, and that was all I really needed. We started seeing each other on a regular basis, while she was, at the time, going through a divorce. Before the divorce was final, she stated that she wanted to have a child with me, and spend the rest of her life with me. We discussed this for about a week, and, even though I stated that there were things that I needed to do (finish school) she still stated that she wanted to have a child with me. Needless to say, we made that decision. Our beautiful son is now 16 months old. As the relationship went forward, it became apparent that the problems she had in highschool, which we talked about, were still her problems of today. Through these problems stemmed even more problems from BOTH people and thus, our relationship took a downward spiral. Towards the end, I had found out that she was talking to, and thinking, about her Ex-husband. After a very humiliating time of trying to hold onto our relationship, and making things work, which included me TAKING ON ALL THE BLAME, I decided that it was time for me to pick up whatever dignity I had remaining and let her leave. I took it upon myself to seek counseling to help me deal with the situation of being a single dad, and losing the person I love. After 1 week of trying out our new situation, she comes back saying how wrong she was, and wanted to move forward with me and have a family, yadda yadda yadda. So of course, I DO. Then after a 1 month stint of being good together, we get into an argument, and BAM, she wants to leave again. OK, fine lets do that. 2 days later we discuss it, and she never wanted to leave this time, she just was angry and said some hurtful things, AS DID I. TWO DAYS AFTER THAT, she tells me that she can never love me as much as she loved her ex husband, and she has many regrets for leaving him. I tell her that nobody IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would stay with someone who they know doesnt love them as much as someone else. 2 DAYS LATER, she sends an e-mail to me saying that she realizes that what she said was stupid, and she needs to let those feelings go, ans she wants to move forward with me and have a family, yadda yadda yadda. THE VERY NEXT DAY, I found out that she was seeking advice about getting her ex-husband back!!!!!! My question is this, give me some insight please on what is going on. I want to move forward in my life, either with her, or without her, but basically for my son. How do I quit getting caught up in this crap, and do you really think there is any hope for me with her?????? HELP!!! ple3ase

[Scout]

Forget her and move on. You said yourself no one in their right mind would or should stay with someone who isn't sure of their love. She's obviously not sure of anything, and when there are children involved, only healthy, stable adults need to be in the equation. Please do the right thing for yourself and your son.

[martyj]

i agree with Scout your son needs to come first here

 

otherwise he may suffer severe emotional scars from the instability your wife seems to have

 

one thing i wonder is what we her problems?

 

is it linked to her childhood?

[ydubel]

The pain you are in totally came accross in your post.

 

First, you need to start looking at your needs because that is what led you to her in the first place. Are you aware of what need(s) she met for you or that you imagined she would?

 

I feel like a broken record b/c I keep telling everyone this....but its one of those simple things that no one seems to want to face, yet they must if they ever intend to be happy and whole within themselves. We can't *really* love anyone else when we don't *really* love ourselves.

 

You have to know your needs so you can begin meeting them yourself. We teach people how to treat us so you must not give anyone your (silent) permission to treat you badly....as if your pain doesn't matter.

 

I know we all want someone to love us and share our lives with, but neediness and desperation are relationship repellent...at least for the kind of relationships and intimacy we seem to crave.

 

How to get on now? Focus on something that keeps your attention on creating a life you find satisfying and are proud of. Have you paid as much attention to your talents and gifts as you have to hers? This is critical if you want to avoid attracting another similar situation.

 

Start looking at how you can build on the good in your life. For instance how can you use your talents to enhance the future you create for yourself and your son? Get involved in projects that serve your long term interest and make you feel good as a person and a parent.

 

Learn from this experience so you don't have to keep repeating it. If you look around the forum you'll see alot of folks simply repeating the same cycles again and again and wondering why they keep getting hurt.

 

"When someone shows you who they are believe them the FIRST TIME"

---Maya Angelou

 

Just keep loving yourself and your son....stay positive and see your previous relationship as a learning experience. Don't worry about the next relationship, just get on with living your life.

 

I hope that helps...even if it wasn't the popular answer to give you.

 

Be well,

Y. Dubel

[QTpie87]

im sorry but this girl is messed up,...she is playing with your feelings like they are nothing and well no one deserves that...although i wouldn't throw up my hands and leave just yet...you need to sit down and really have a deep convo with this girl. tell her how she is stressing you out...tell her she should make her mind up for a final and last time, she shouldn't be telling you she loves you and keep leaveing and comeing back and leaveing and then coming back and telling you she is finally going to let her ex go..and then trying to get him back again...don't let her make you her back up or rebound...

well thats just my opinion...

if you need to talk the pm me..ok.

love QTpie87

[ShatteredDreamsOfFamily]

Scout Thank you for the reply, it's when people keep reminding me of the same opinion that you have, that keeps me movin that direction, and let go a little bit of what I'm holding onto with her.

Martyj: Well, I'm not an expert, but I believe a lot of her problems stem from her parents. Anytime she did not do what they wanted her to, they ignored her, and turned their backs on her until she came back. It is still like this today. The weird thing is, if I am not giving her EVERYTHING the way she wants it, she wants to leave.

 

Ydubel: Thank you for the reassurance on the reality of what is going on. I always felt that I put her needs in front of my own, by my own choice as well, but she always did her best to say that I did not. That was a major problem with us, is that I always thought of her first, and me second. When there was something that I needed from the relationship, it was up to me to point it out to her, which resulted in a dispute. Its good to know that others are able to see that I DID care for her needs and feelings, and you are right, its time to concentrate on my own needs.

QTpie87: Again, thank you for some reassurance in my own opinion. I came to that conclusion at times about her, but she always had some way of making it seem like I was the one that had the problem, because I thought SHE had the problem. I definitely will keep in touch with you.