Too complicated for me!

[agryk13]

Please bear with me here... I've never been in a situation such as this, and to be honest... I'm at wits end.

 

When I was in my early teens, there were a few years when things just got worse and worse... I dealt with everything from a friend's suicide to date-rape... I hated myself, and was on a path to... well, who knows what...

 

Then I met a guy, "John". He showed me I could have a really good time without drugs or alcohol, and for the first time in my life, I had someone I could talk to, about anything. He had a hard time dealing with my past at first, but we got through it, and we developed a really, really strong relationship.

 

I thought we would get married and all that. He was my best friend in the world. What we had really felt special... but things started to go downhill. He started to have problems of his own, and didn't treat me as well as he used to, and after over six years together, I started to become unhappy. I loved him, but... things weren't the same.

 

I had recently started hanging out with a new group of people--for the first time, I had people who were "my" friends, instead of "our" friends or "his" friends. One of the guys, "Nate", started to grow on me. "John" went out of town, and well... things happened with "Nate".

 

I felt horrible for what I did, but at the same time... it felt so good. Someone cared again. After the first night, I broke up with "John", and started seeing "Nate". Then I spent the next few months kind of going back and forth between the two.

 

Here's how it is: I love "John" so much. He is my best friend, and before this, I could have told him anything. But... I'm not attracted to him. I generally have a pretty strong libido, but I mostly have no desire to have sex with him. And it's not that he's unattractive--he's probably the hottest guy I've ever met, and is terrific in bed... not a single complaint there. But I have serious doubts about whether he and I are really meant for each other, and I know that he and I want different things out of life.

 

As for "Nate", he and I don't really communicate so much, and I doubt that he and I will ever be as close as "John" and I are. But... I just can't tear myself away from him. He and I want a lot of the same things out of life, and I am really attracted to him... if you asked me who was better looking, I would say "John", and "John's" the one who's given me more orgasms, but nine times out of ten, I would choose to have sex with "Nate" over "John".

 

Right now, "John" and I are "just friends", because I felt suffocated by us dating, but we tell each other "I love you", and we sleep together, and I promised him I wouldn't date or sleep with any other guys, "Nate" included, for a year.

 

I probably shouldn't be with anyone, because I have so much I feel I need to sort out. But I feel so tied to "John", and I have the most awful time resisting "Nate". I don't know what to do, and I feel like I'm so close to pushing one or both of them away forever, yet I can't seem to control myself, and I'm completely miserable.

[abitbroken]

If you and Nate don't communicate well and its pretty much about sex, that's not the healthiest relationship. Actually, without communication, there really is no relationship. As far as John, what exactly is there that he wants in life that you dont?

 

I probably would recommend finding some self control with Nate and not dating anyone right now - figure yourself out.

[LonelyPast]

I think you should post this on link removed and ask John to share his half of the story. I'll bet you'd be surprised at how little sympathy there is for your case...

 

Mature people don't break up with each other after 6 years because "things happened" and it "felt so good." You communicate and work through your issues together like responsible adults and break up before allowing some other guy to seduce you. Your actions haven't just hurt you and John, they've fueled the fires of mistrust and misogyny for male observers everywhere. I hope it's been worth it.

 

I'm sorry if my words are only causing you pain, but if you can learn from this then maybe you won't inflict any more yourself. Good luck.

[DN]

I think your idea of not being with either of them is your best and wisest course.

[SocialStigma]

I don't think either of them are right for you. You have great emotional and mental chemistry with John but no physical chemistry, and you have the opposite situation with Nate. I know you want to combine them into one person with whom you have emotional, mental AND physical chemistry with but if you are lacking in one area with both of them, you'll never be truly satisfied with either of them.

 

Let go of both of them and find someone who you share a spark with in all areas.

[SpottiOtti]

I felt horrible for what I did, but at the same time... it felt so good. Someone cared again.

 

I think this statement hits the root of your problem. You do not genuinely love either of these men. You love the way they make you feel. You crave someone to show you attention and acceptance. I also think it would do you some good to take time off of relationships and figure out how to make yourself feel loved and accepted.

 

Best wishes.