Staying good friends got my x-GF back!!!

[TR]

Well, this might be some encouragement to people.

 

I have some great news! My ex just broke with her current bf because she wants me back. And we still are in LD relationship (although I am in process of moving there, just had a very promising interview and extensively looking for a job)!

Just to let everyone know, I stayed a best friend with her and was always there for her even after she broke up. And guess what... I think that helped me out a lot. I mean she saw that I care about her even more than her new bf.

Thank you God!!!

[dikaia880]

Hey Congrats and good luck! I love hearing when things turn out well, especially with the LD's and moving back (1 and a half months for me, cross-fingers)

[JTS]

That is awsome to hear because that is what most of us in here are striving for. It is great to hear your success story. I am currently apart form my ex for 2 months but remain to be there for her when she needs me. I can tell she really apprectiates it because she stays she still loves me but she just needs some time w/o a bf. This is very encouraging for me because it shows that when things are meant to happen, If you stick to what your heart tells you to do, things will work out!

[danimal77]

Guys,

 

I don't want to be a downer, but my story goes like this. My now ex, had a relationship with a guy for 3 years. Apparently her was very verbally abusive and such, but it was her first true love. The relationship lasted from 1996-1999, at which point they took a month apart from each other and upon their reconciliation, she found out that he slept with someone while they were apart. Needless to say, she ended it with him for good, however, he never let go. She labeled him the stalker, because no matter which new relationship she entered, he would always pursue her and it seemed that all the years that passed by, he was always single. Anyways, when I met her almost 2 years ago, she talked about him in such a negative way, almost as if she still harbored resentment/feelings towards him after all those years. He even tried to call her once during the beginning stages of our relationship and she brushed him off. Back in November of last year, when we took a little break, apparently, they met on a chat line and started talking again, but nothing materialized. When she broke up with me in January, she joined that same chat line, and she met several single guys and he being one of them. IT turned out that she added him to her MSN and started talking with him on the phone, during which time we were becoming closer again and she happened to tell me that she had forgiven him after all those years and he has "changed" and "matured" a lot and he was young and stupid (whatever). Anyways, when we got back together, she stopped all forms of communication with everyone, including him and 3 weeks ago, when she ended it again with me, she re-added like 8 guys back to her MSN list (I had her password) and he was one of them. 4 of the guys are now gone, but of the 4 that are remaining, he is one of them. This worried me to no end. She hated him and told me that he creeped her out, yet who knows how much of a foot in the door he has, where I no longer do. I met the guy once. He's a nerd and a geek and I don't know if I just concern myself too much with it, in my pursuit to get her back. It didn't stop me last time. Should it stop me now?

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[JTS]

TR, How long were you guys going out, and also how long did it take for her to come back?

[Michael2]

She did it once, not to be a doomsayer, but it will happen again if you do not play your cards right. But hey thats great, best of luck

[danimal77]

Michael, was that directed towards me and if so, can you please elaborate on what you mean, because I'm not sure what you mean.

 

Danimal

[Michael2]

No it was directed towards TR.

 

He has to be careful. Why do I say this? Because if the initial problems that caused the breakup are not worked out, then another breakup may be on the horizon.

[danimal77]

Very wise Michael. Hence, the reason I'm back on here, but not for too long. I promise this time though that when and if I get another shot, to inform all of you, but remain humble and not let it get too much to my head where I lose focus of how hard I worked to attain my goal.

[TR]

We had a PERFECT relationship for 2 years before sho moved to a different city. We stayed together anyways. One year passed (I didn't have a chance to move there right away too) and she started to say that she's extremely lonely, doesn't know what to do... we should just be friends (no relatives or friends in new city). Then after 1.5 years appart (I visited her at least once a month and we took vocations together) she said that she's seeing another guy. We are always open to eachother and she told me that she thinks it's just because she needs some one in her life. She told me that THE ONLY reason it happened is because we are appart.

 

Anyways, few weeks ago she started to talk more about her new relationship - she was always saying that ours was perfect, etc.

Then she came to visit me this past weekend and we had a teriffic time together. She told her mom about what happened and her mom basicaly said that she's crazy (her mom loves me )

 

Then she started saying that she's missing me and stuff like that. Yesterday, she was saying that she doesn't know what to do, she knows that I am a better match for her, but she doesn't want to hurt that guy.

 

The "nail on the caoffin" was my letter to her. Yesterday night I wrote her a letter saying that I just want her to be happy.... I am not asking her to come back.... but she should not base her decision on "I don't want to hurt him"... I said that the most important thing is for her to be happy. Among other nice things, BUT never asking her back, just telling her that she should follow her heart.

 

She said that she was very touched by this letter and that she never met a guy who cared about her as much as I do.

 

Of cource it's not 100% guarantee that we will get back together (because unfortunately we are still appart), but she says that she WANTS me back.

[danimal77]

TR,

 

Any response/recommendation to what I wrote? It would be mucho appreciated my friend.

 

Daninal

[Michael2]

Tr, stop the letters, stop trying to be her friend. She will walk ALL over you.

 

Stop being a nice guy. That is all I can really say.

[bruind]

i beg to disagree on the last post. in my opinion, i think its okay to say friends with her.

 

we cannot say that what had happened in the past would happen again and again.

 

what if u do stop, u'll just keep on wondering what if i ddnt? what might have happened between the two of u? what if u're destined to find taht second glory? u wouldnt know until u take a risk. so what if u get hurt again, you can always move on...

 

just a thought.

[Michael2]

Oriental I appreciatte your response. But I fully disagree, how many times can this guy be hurt before his heart is scarred. In turn he may become bitter and resentful, thereforeeee carrying around bagagge to his next relationship.

 

She is with someone else and keeping him on the back burner.

 

When it comes down to it, forget words, forget what they say, only look at their actions. Actions speak volumes, words mean nothing. She says she wants you back, so what. Of course it feels good to HEAR that, but remember, at the end of the day, she is with another guy and not him.

 

Until she dumps this other man, and comes back to you, take every single word that comes out of her mouth with a grain of salt. I guarantee if you stop calling her and being her emotional tampon you will see her true colors. Give it a try. What do you have to lose. You will only gain by taking her out of your life. If she truly loves you she will come around. Dont be afraid of not being in her life. She will not forget about you.

[TR]

I think there was a misunderstanding...

She did dump him. She said that she is keeping a distance from him and doesn't want to have any intimate relationship with him. She said that she made her decision and I am the one she wants to be with.

 

So her actions are positive. The only problem is LD, but it's not easily solved overnight and we are both working on it.

 

Danimal,

 

I haven't been in situation like yours. Yours is too complicated and twisted IMO. If she forgiven him, does it mean that all the things that she hated about him are not there anymore? If yes, then she's probably wondering who's THE guy for her. I would suggest to continue showing her your love and caring. This is crucial IMO. If the conversation comes up where she is telling you that she doesn't know what to do or is asking you for opinion... just tell her to follow her heart and that you just want her to be happy. This way she will realize that you love her with all your heart. And if she ends up with him, then it means that she doesn't appreciate your love and it's just better that way. I mean why be with her if she doesn't appreciate all your attention. There is only so much you can do, you know?

[danimal77]

TR,

 

Thanks for the advice, but I guess you haven't been following my story. Funny how you think that it is too complicated though. Nothing in life that is worthwhile, is easy. That's what I believe, but thanks anyways.

 

Dan

[craigblitz]

danimal please please do not take this the wrong way. Almost every thread on her someone is seeking words or advice and the next thing you know you have put your story all over it. You have a topic keep it to that. For real I am not being a jerk just something I have noticed.

 

It sounds like you are a very confident young man so there is nothing any of us can say. Do what you got to do. You got her back once

[danimal77]

Craig Blitz,

 

I am on 3 topics. My own, My Joy's, where I am asking him direct questions and this one, where I felt like I could relate to the member who began the post.

 

As confident as you may think I am, I am at the same time, trying to give everyone else confidence as well, that they may or may not lack within themselves. I am in no means a motivational speaker though.

 

Sorry you have taken offense, to the point that you had to actually type what you did, to address my attention.

 

My advice to all, is to stay focused and not lose site of your goal and as this entire Forum is devoted to getting back together with your ex and seeing I've done it "twice", I feel like I have that much more to contribute. I am not ramming it down anyone's throats.

 

BTW, if you've been following my threads, I am confident that I have ben able to get her back in the past, but not as confident this time around, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[craigblitz]

no offense at all mate, promise ya that. That is true we all need a little boost and some insight from here and was just hoping the starter of this thread was getting what they needed instead of people focusing on your stuff in their thread. No biggie... you are right stay confident

[Mix Maxster]

Something TR said,

just tell her to follow her heart and that you just want her to be happy. This way she will realize that you love her with all your heart. And if she ends up with him, then it means that she doesn't appreciate your love and it's just better that way. I mean why be with her if she doesn't appreciate all your attention. There is only so much you can do, you know?

 

Well I don't like the way you go at it in the end, saying that if you say this and she ends up with him that she doesn't respect you or appreciate you. I mean you're asking her to be happy right? And you automatically think she's picking the wrong choice if she picks the other dude? So what if it was because of what you said that made her choose, she's happy and isn't that what you were trying to say? Or is this another ploy to make them think we care so they come back. I know I really mean it when I say it, she should not be dictated by someone else other than her and she has to look out for number one... her. If she puts others feelings before her own she will be unhappy if she's in a place she doesn't want to be in.

 

That's what I said to my ex and so there's no confusion on here, my being friends will not have that sort of impact on me because I have not become friends in hoeps of getting her back. She felt hurt just like I was hurt by not being friends, I do not want to think it makes someone get together because that's just not smart to think like that. I basically told her that I want her to look for her special someone just like I hope she wants the same for me, but that she shouldn't deny herself happiness for someone elses sake.

[sweetione]

TR,

 

I was curious as to what you wrote in your letter to her that changed her mind. Do you mind sharing??

[cassiana]

Do you guys think that different strategies work for different genders? When my ex dumped me he said he had few friends and that by doing this he was losing one of them. He never said lets be friends. Two days later he told a mutual friend that he hadn't meant to break up at all but needed time to reflect on the relationship and its future. He told her and me that I had been great. As i have said onthis site he has M.E. and has embarked on a difficult course which will end at the start of august. He sent me some jokey emails and a birthday card after the dumping but before the course began. I think he might wanted to have maintained contact or something but the subtext was that really he was panicking about his course and couldn't cope. So i didn't reply because 1. I didn't want to add to the stress. 2. I didn't want him to think I was a doormat and all was ok. 3. He wouldn't be emailing during the course due to lack of facilities and time so I would be in silence anyway. 3. adhering to the NO Contact rule.

So i wonder, staying friends versus no contact.

I think with my ex his ego might not have wanted me to see how weak M.E made him. I have had people tell me that a man may prefer to dump a girl and have her still think him a man than expose his weaknesses. If that is true then maybe No contact might be a better strategy for retrieving a man whilst remaining friends may work better on a woman.

[TR]

Mix M....

 

I know, it didn't sound right, but that's not what I meant. I will stay best friends with her no matter what. What I ment to say was that if she doesn't love you back as a person she wants to spend the rest of her life with... then you should just accept it and move on. Don't push anything on her, you know what I mean? I do want her to be happy no matter who she chooses to be with.

 

Sweetieone, here's the letter (I left out some stuff that I thought was personal). In addition to my letter (and I wrote it ONLY because she asked me what I think about the situation), her mom also had an influence on her. Her mom told her a story from her life (exactly the same situation as ours).

 

"""""""""""""

>After we talked today, I thought for a long time and I feel like I

>need to help you out with your confusion and clarify what I feel. I

>just don't want to have any misunderstanding/secrets at this moment.

> First, let me tell you that I don't want you to feel any pressure

>coming from me. In fact, this letter is intended to relieve some

>pressure from your shoulders. I am in a very unusual position here

>– I am your best friend, your ex boy friend, and a guy who loves

>you. So I will speak from all three points of view and some things

>I say may sound biased towards me, but behind all this, I just want

>you to be the happiest girl in the world.

>

>You have been saying many times that you don't want to hurt anyone

>and I feel that this is one of the reasons you are hesitant about

>your decisions. In my opinion, you don't owe anything to me or J**.

>You owe it to yourself to be as happy for the rest of your life as

>possible. I already mentioned to you – I strongly think (especially

>after what happened with us) that people should follow their heart

>when it comes to love. I realized that life is too short and if you

>love someone, you should do whatever it takes to spend every second

>with that special person. These precious seconds is the most

>important time in people's life; nothing else compares to the

>feeling of sharing love. If you stay with a person because you

>don't want to hurt his feelings, you will never enjoy true

>happiness.

>

>What I love about us is that we are always happy together. I really

>enjoy seeing you smile and laugh, and it makes me want to make you

>happy for the rest of your life. It's a beautiful cycle, the more

>you are happy, the more I want to care for you and make your life a

>nirvana. When you are sad or grumpy, I want to make you the

>happiest lady in the world and to make your every day special. It's

>impossible to describe how great it feels being next to you all day,

>falling asleep holding you and waking up in the morning realizing

>that you are not a perfect dream but a reality. That's why I always

>have a smile on my face and I hug you when I wake up next to you. I

>think that it's a very special connection which is extremely hard to

>find in this world. Besides, we complement each other like no one

>else and at the same time we have so much in common.

>

>You also mentioned couple of times that you feel like we grew apart

>(especially that you changed). Well, as strange as it may sound,

>the breakup that we went through brought me even closer to you and

>made me a better person. After what happened, I know that I will

>always love you no matter what. I love you for who you are inside

>and I believe that your heart will stay the same for the rest of

>your life. Because of you and what happened, I am a better person

>now. I explained here how I changed (she actualy tells me all the time how proud she is of me)

 

>To conclude, I think that if we ever get back together, I can see a

>beautiful future crammed with fun and joy. Think about it, we have

>been through so many difficult times together, it's unbelievable,

>and we still love each other. Sure, if we ever get back together we

>will have to start over again, but the chemistry is there and always

>was there, and all we need is a little jump start. I just don't see

>any uncertainties.

 

"""""""""""""

** the guy that stole her from me

 

Again, I do not know if this a suitable type of letter for every situation. I wrote her this letter at the moment when she was telling me that she still loves me and that she's confused, etc. I basically felt like I had to "lay my case on the table" once and for all so that she doesn't have any uncertainties about anything between us.

[danimal77]

TR Wrote:

if she doesn't love you back as a person she wants to spend the rest of her life with... then you should just accept it and move on.

 

Did you like the person you were when she left you? Nevermind love, but like? If you can give me an honest yes, than I will agree that you should accept it and move on, but if you weren't the same man she "FELL IN LOVE WITH" when she met you and decided to stay with for as long as she did, then, maybe you could understand why she left and also understand that there is a way to make her feelings re-surface, unless you just want to be her best friend and watch other men throughout the years reaping the benefits of what you can still have.

 

Read the Art of Seduction. You want to become someone who not only her, but all women will desire, but it won't hurt that she'll be one of them, but if this is not your goal, then good luck to you either way.

 

BTW, the long letters are not the best way to go. I've learned that from experience. Less is more TR. Less is more. Whatever you do, try and do it in person, or at least over a phone. Not in email format. MPO anyways.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[TR]

I am the same person she fell in love with, she told me that. Well, she told me that I am even more mature and responsible now, which she likes. But anyways, we both know that the ONLY reason we had a problem is because of LD relationship. THE ONLY reason.

 

And actualy, she said that she LOVED the LONG letter because I don't do it very often She thanked me many times for it. I guess some girls love that kind of stuff