Didn't call when he said he would: UPDATE

[Scout]

Hi - just started dating someone about a week ago. We REALLY hit it off, and have spent almost every day together since. He said he'd call me after work yesterday, but never did. I always get a feeling of dread the first time a guy does this - it seems so inconsiderate and a preview of things to come.

 

Guys, can you offer any insight into why some of you do this?? Also, and this question is for women too, when he calls should I bring it up? I want to subtly point out that I don't think its cool not to call when you say you're going to, on the other hand, I don't want to come accross as bossy either, so early on.

[dikaia880]

He may have a good reason...don't push it on this one...guys can get a little scared in the beginning of relationships (scared of losing freedom, commitment, ect.) you don't want to make it worse by jumping on him for this and coming accross needy...

Maybe when you talk to him mention "hey thanks for calling me..." in a very sacastic tone and see what he says...

[Scout]

Dikaia, my friend! Didn't know you'd be on this forum...funny isn't it, finally over the ex, now I'm back in the fun world of dating - and already stressing about another guy, acK.

[AB38]

I agree with dikaia on that one. Sometimes guys need to step back for just a second and evaluate everything. Or he could be playing a little hard to get. Either way, I do not think you should call him on that. That might be a little much too soon.

[dikaia880]

I'm everywhere scout! No the getting back together forum doesn't have much going on today so I was browsing through the other forums and saw your topic...didn't realise it was you until I posted though...Good luck with it...I doubt it's anything to worry about just yet...

 

Maybe someday in the near future I'll be into the dating...or maybe (hopefully) still in the getting back together forum talking about how love does come back sometimes...I've a month and a half to go until I move back and I'm nervous about what might happen...But I've been praying and God is making the time go by really quick for me so that's been a big help!

I was talking with a buddy of mine back in my college town (the same town i move back to) and he was asking me if I was going to head up there any time before I move back to hang out for a weekend...I thought it'd be fun to get up there but when i look at my weekends leading up to the time I move back I have no free weekends until then! Now all I need to do is find the motivation to get working (sort of been letting things pile up on the old desk the last day or two )

Take care scout!

[Athena]

I don't have any insight as to why they do it, but it's a huge petpieve of mine when people say they are going to call or be somewhere at a certain time and then DON'T. It's nothing less than rude and there is simply no excuse for it. It's about respect for my time.

 

I've had great luck with telling people this up front.

 

-A

[makaw]

I agree with Athena. You teach people how to treat you. If you're willing to put up with him not calling you, repeatedly (because it easily could end up that way, from my experience) then don't say anything to him.

 

I personally find it disrespectful and discourteous. I put up with it a long time from my ex, but no more. I deserve much better than that sort of treatment. This early in the relationship is when you need to start setting boundaries. If he can't show enough respect to call, then why keep him around.

[brokenpogostick]

I'd say chill out, maybe there's a perfectly justified reason that he didn't call.

[Scout]

A distinct difference in opinions on this...guys are saying one thing, the gals another! I agree with both - that I shouldn't stress, but at the same time, it's a pet peeve of mine too. He STILL hasn't called, so starting to wonder what the deal is...hope he's not going to end up blowing me off, we've been having a really good time together.

 

If he does call, I would like to get it straight from the get-go I'm not cool with stuff like that, but the delicate fine line here is how to do that so he knows not to pull things like that, yet at the same time not come accross as overly irritated...any other suggestions?

[Scout]

Forgot to mention I finally called him last night, but got his voicemail, so just a left an upbeat, hey how are you type of message. Very brief, etc. He didn't call me back until just now - and I didn't pick up the phone. The message he left said he forgot to put his ringer back on after leaving work so didn't know I had called, and that he just went home to crash because he was exhausted from the last several days we've been together and needed to catch up on his sleep...don't ask people....

 

Anyway, it's kind of funny because I've used that lame excuse in the past myself: "forgot" my ringer was off...

 

Ok, I'm digging this guy, and if I'm gonna keep him interested, I'm going to have to show him that I'm not so gullible. So, I'm not going to call him back today. At all. Let's see how HE likes it. Silly games I know, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.

[makaw]

I still maintain his call to you could have been nothing more than a "touch base" to tell you he was thinking of you, but was so tired he would have to cut it short. It just doesn't take but a second to let someone know you're in their thoughts instead of creating doubt in their trustworthiness. He might have been truly tired and didn't remember he had said he would call. But, to you it has created a seed of doubt as to him being trustworthy. Puts a sort of red flag up for me.

[Scout]

Macaw - you're right on. Guys, take note of her post. This is exactly what happens when you don't call when you say you're going to: a seed of doubt is planted that, if dealing with a somewhat overly analytical chick like myself, can screw up the dynamics of everything!

 

Because that's exactly what I'm going through right now. When we finally talked, I felt doubt that he was still interested, and when he mentioned something about us getting together - but not really giving a time when we would do so - I kind of hurried off the phone, just saying, well we'll hook up later this weekend and I know I was abrupt. He asked me if I was irritated or something, and of course I said, no - we'll just get together later. This was last night. I just joined a band, and had practice last night, so went to that, and worried the whole time about being abrupt to him on the phone. So, not content with just leaving things as they are, I had to call him back (he didn't pick up) and left him a message saying, hey, I got off the phone kind of quickly but didn't mean to, just thought maybe I'd put you on the spot or something about getting together, anyway, I do want to hang out with you sometime soon, etc..

 

EEKS. It has occurred to me that this guy who initially acted really enamored with me, is now totally in the driver's seat! The embarrassing thing is that I just met him a week ago! When we met, we proceeded to basically have a four day date...I was absolutely fascinated with him, he was really funny, interesting, charismatic, all that...I guess I got a little carried away. I tend to romanticize/idealize a guy when we really get along, and than at the first sign of him cooling off, I get really bummed out. I have tried and tried to stop this behavior, but can't seem to.

 

So, it will remain to be seen whether I hear back from, but even if I do, I will feel really sheepish about everything, and probably won't be myself, and it all started because he didn't call when he said he would. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back in my next life as a totally suave, in the driver's seat kind of woman myself! Cause I sure ain't one in this life...

[shockeddismayed]

Hi Scout,

 

I am on the go, but I wanted to try and weigh in a bit. I'll follow up more later (hahah but I'm a guy so.... just kidding).

 

Anyway... if you had both been dating a bit longer than I might be a little annoyed with him. However you went on a 4 day date and you only met him last week! That is AWESOME progress. You need to take it into context... it might have taken a month to get that much QT together.

 

At this point things are fine.... you are fine.... you are in the infatuation stage (he may be too) so you both need to allow yourselves to cool it just a bit. Take a deep breath, do some nice things for yourself (perhaps a new " knock him dead " blouse or something... i dunno, I'm a guy). Enjoy these moments of anticipation... there was a time when you enjoyed these... or at least, once you are in a steady relationship you look back on these moments and romanticize them.

 

Don't let your past hurt get in the way of this exciting time... it is exciting b/c it is new and b/c YOU DON'T know what will happen next.

 

Enjoy it... let it happen. You are doing GREAT!

[tc]

Hey Scout!! you just described me!!! that's what i always end up doing!! I just can't seem to let things ride. I end up calling, we chat, things go well, i'm all happy, then at the slightest "indication" that's he's not totally into me, i panick and start trying to do damage control!!!! i call relentlessly, and end up scaring him off!!!!

I can't seem to help myself. I put way too much thought into what they think of me, if they like me, if they want to be with me...and i can't let things happen naturally! if it's meant to be, it will be, but i'm always pushing it.

I can't seem to stop myself.

 

anyhoo, just wanted to put my 2 cents in here.

have a good one.

[Scout]

Shocked, thanks for the encouraging words - wish i'd thought all that stuff before I started to do "damage control" as TC so aptly put it.

 

TC, what you say is exactly what I go through, too. And I hate it! I don't know why I get so anxious, it's like I can't just sit back and enjoy everything.

[tc]

maddening isn't it??? why does it seem so easy for other people and it has to be so hard for others?

i don't know if i'm suffering from self-esteem issues or what, but i just can't seem to get it right!!!!! I think i'm going to give up for a while, and if something's meant to be then it will happen.

 

I just find that when i really like someone, i push it! i get so p.o'd with myself sometimes!!! ARRRGH!!!

 

i wish i was a stronger person...

[Scout]

In many ways, my self esteem is pretty solid...but it's always been shaky with guys. It's not hard for me to get a guy interested, but I tend to flake out afterwards, and like you say, that chases them off sometimes...although they usually come back at first....than I do something to make them say saya nara for good. Sometimes that's for the best, really.

 

But I don't think that would be a good thing with this guy. I like him. He's either going to get back in touch with me or not, I think he will eventually, and than I'm just going to go with the flow and not worry if it turns into a "relationship" or not. The reason being because I actually think he's one of the smartest and most interesting people I've met in some time, and his company is very stimulating. If he doesn't call back, I'll be bummed for those reasons, but I'm going to keep a positive outlook. And keep busy with the things I need to be busy doing!

[Scout]

Many days later...well, I think its safe to say this guy has flaked out on me. He was very spotty about returning calls, and so I've decided not to pursue anything with him on a romantic/physical basis. He's in Vegas this weekend, and I sort of hoped we would have gotten together this week before he left, but nope...I just get this lame message from him on Thursday that he's been running around like crazy getting ready for his trip. (busy all week for a three day trip? Please!)

 

On the other hand, I still like him and think he's funny and interesting, but best to keep him just as a friend. I can already tell he's not exactly the dependable type! Which will drive me nuts in the long run.

 

I'd like to take a moment here to say that before I started coming to eNotalone, I probably would have flipped out for this guy, and plunged into a very frustrating, unrewarding situation where I would have constantly been stressing out, wondering when I'd hear from him again. And ultimately, putting him in the driver's seat. But what I've learned from this site is patience, the ability to spot a red flag at the very beginning and act on it right then. THANKS ENOTALONE.

[jessijess]

I'm in a very similar situation as you! The waiting for him to call back is he!!, isnt it? I also tend to panick at the slightest indication that a guy is no longer interested, even if he's just been busy. I went out with the guy I'm interested in in Wednesday & we stayed out waaayyy to late. He was supposed to call the next day at lunchtime to let me know he made it home ok. I called him around 2 & left a message. He called back around 6 & we talked for about 2 minutes with him saying he'd call me the next day. 3 days later & still no call. I'm torturing myself trying not to call him!

 

Best of luck to you with this guy. Let us know how it goes when he gets back fro Vegas!

[Scout]

Thanks Jess for the good luck. I am curious to see what he - and I - do when he gets back! As for your situation, just try, try not to call him back. The ball is most definitely in his court now.