I feel like I need to end my marriage

[f1r3f1y3]

Hi,

 

it has been months since my 7 year marriage started going downhill. My wife [suddenly] expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship and it all went wrong from there. She had 2 very brief emotional affairs both of which I caught early.

 

I told her she had 1 more chance, I wanted to try again to make sure I wouldn't have any regrets, that I had tried everything.

 

She became depressed and started anti-depressants, they took a while to work but things seemed to be getting better. She started laughing a lot more, things just felt better. She seemed happy, and therefore I was happy too.

 

Well yesterday I noticed she had become all reserved and moody again. I asked her about it at night and she explained she still wasn't happy with the relationship, and that it was "just ok" and we were just "living our lives". She says she wants it to be great. I ask her how we can make it great, what is missing, and she says she doesn't know.

 

This is the EXACT same conversation we had months back when this all started.

 

I am so fed up of it now. I have nothing left to give. I think I'd be happier if she just left but we have a son of 6yrs. She also has no money, she has 2 jobs but they only total 15hrs a week.

 

When she is happy, I am happy, but I feel this can't be fixed, it has gone on too long. Even if she says she's ok now, in a few weeks it'll be back to the same old conversation.

 

I am weary and feel I can't make any more effort, I am tired of the same conversations. I am tired of having to watch what I say around her. I am tired of her saying the relationship is just ok and offering nothing to improve it.

 

Counselling was completely useless for us. I have nothing left

[surviving]

have she ever suggested living apart (separate) fow a while just to figure out how the things will flow up when you both are apart? Divorce may be a very drastic step, or perhaps going for a vacation - it seems as if she is confused and depressed - she doesn't know for sure whats missing or if she expected things to be different? I think the problem lies with her that she needs time to figure things our for the sake of your future hapiness and your son.

I am sorry for you are going through but hang in there ..

[f1r3f1y3]

We have talked about her living somewhere else for 6 months before. I don't really think I have any other choice for that now.

 

If we did live apart, I don't think I'd ever want to go back.

 

If by vacation, you mean both of us, we tried that a few months ago and it was a total disaster! She can't go on holiday anyway because of her work, she has just started a second job.

 

Thanks surviving.

[happygal]

Ugh...sounds like the 7 year itch. You said it has been going downhill for a few month, I don't think that is that long to think divorce already. There are always up's and down's. Why did she start those emotional relationships? Did she say? She might is missing something.

To separate for little while might be good, but not everyone can afford to do that. Maybe each of you go on a separate vacation and than on one together afterwards.

I really really recommend reading how to improve your marriage without talking about it by John Gray.

It is really a great book and has transformed me and with that it has transformed my relationship (all common sense, but we just don't live that happy way in our world anymore).

 

Good Luck!

[luminousone]

Wow, this sounds like what happened with my husband...

 

We have been separated for 2 years (can't divorce for a while because of health insurance issues)

 

What I have learned from this:

 

It takes the commitment of both to make the marriage work

 

Heroic efforts on the spouses part will not help if the other spouse has given up, or is so entrenched in their own depression/misery/perception of unhappiness that they are unable to or unwilling to contribute to the marriage

 

When someone is unhappy or depressed, they often tend to blame it on external circumstances or on other people. For example, a marriage, or their partner. They seek happiness elsewhere (another marriage, another job, another place to live, another "lover") but fail to realize that the key to happiness lies within them.

 

A marriage that has one or both spouses that have closed themselves off from each other can be in deep trouble.

 

You cannot force someone to open themselves up to work through their issues. Sometimes they are only at a point where they can blame it on someone else but they are unable to face up to their own issues...

 

Everyone is on their own journey and we have no control over the path that our spouses take...

 

To me it sounds as if your wife has simply given up. If counseling did not work, then I wonder if another counselor might help -- if your wife would agree to doing the work earnestly...

 

Maybe this new job will help her to find her sense of self?

 

One thing that I wish I had read before our marriage took a wrong turn: The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, by John Gottman

 

You might try to compliment your wife each day: think about the little things you appreciate about her, and let her know: for example: "I love how you read with our son" or "Thanks for putting so much thought into preparing our meals" or "I love your smile".

Just appreciation for all of the big and little things...

 

Be kind and gentle -- it sounds like she needs that now

 

If your marriage does not survive after all of this, then at least you can say to yourself (and to your son) that you did everything you could to honor your vows and your love for your wife

 

I hope all goes well for you

[mca1975]

So sorry, sounds painful. Maybe you have reached the end of the road and a clean split is for the best. x

[Ms Darcy]

It's when you catching her sleeping with another guy that you might actually file for divorce. I recall your earlier thread. She's heading in that direction.

[f1r3f1y3]

sigh, I found out she has been talking to EA number 2 guy again.

 

I confronted her and she has gone into her "sorry, punish me" routine.

 

In my heart I feel like it could be possible to work things out but now I must end it because I can never ever trust her again. She is just going to hurt me over and over.

 

I told her I didn't love her anymore and asked her to move out, she said she would do anything but that. She just won't leave.

 

I want her to move out and leave me with my son, and we can review after 6 months. But she won't go.

 

I pay for the house and all the bills. Her 2 small jobs wouldn't cover it.

 

What else can I do. Should I move out. I can't let her keep going behind my back and lying about these things.

 

I can't watch her for the rest of my life. My son will be heartbroken