The Battle for Love... (advice wanted)

[dp]

I'm a 17 year old senior currently dating the greatest person in the world! (well I like to think so!) We have been through a lot. From me initially not liking her so much, to me falling deeply in love with her, to her pushing me away, to us back in love... I really like to think we've been through a lot and am amazed we are still together. I'm not a very self-confident person and this girl is the first long relationship I have ever had also first person I have had a sexual relationship with. I tell my friends that I want to spend my life with her and that she is really the most important thing to me right now, even my own life, future, and happyness, yet my friends always seem to respond with, "oh shes your first 'big relationship', you'll have plenty of those..." and "people always gett attached to the first person they have sex with... you'll get a lot more confidence and then want to move on" as well as "you're just clinging to her because you feel that you cannot do better or you're worried that you will be forever alone."

 

These statements really worry me. I do have low self-confidence and maybe that is why im so attached to her. I recall my mother once telling me that i'm the sort of guy that will end up either marrying one person and staying that way, or just never getting married to anyone at all. I always thought the latter... until I met this girl.

 

Every day inches closer to college and I worry, "Should I really try to make this relationship work? I care for her so much and she is my world, but will she always be?" Problem is, there is a lot more to this than just me worrying if my feelings are true... its needing to know if hers are...

Before we first went out, she was going out with a "friend" of mine (she originally liked me but I ignored her and she thought she had no chance). She still liked me a whole lot and we would hang out and became great friends. Her b/f got jealous and one night, we kissed and he decided that he could not trust her anymore, understandibly so, and they broke it off. Soon after, we came together.

 

Along with low self-confidence, my girlfriend also unfortunately has something that comes with it in many of the cases, Bulimia. Shes been getting treatment for years now and shes totally comfortable talking about it, but she still has the addiction and it's something I really want to help her get through, but there really isn't much I can do but be there for her. This really causes a lot of worries and doubts in her own mind about relationships and how things work. It also leads her to another activity: the internet. It is almost like she has an addiction going online, chatting with people, and living out this other life that isn't constantly filled with these emotions and pains she cannot control. I find nothing wrong with this on a healthy level, but she has made certain attachments online that I feel aren't exactly fair to me.

 

She tends to become very flirtatious online and, as far as I know, has a few "boyfriends" whom she says she "loves" and talks to whenever she gets online. For a while I understood that these were just ways of her escaping a lot of the stuff she has problems with now, but lately I have started to feel threatened. She even told me that she wanted to visit one of these guys. I wasn't going to say she couldn't, but I think after she thought about it, she realized that this guy probably wasn't expecting just a friendly visit, and she told me that she really didn't want to lose me nor be with anyone else in our romantic way...

 

Well college is coming, and we are going to be about 200 miles apart. Hard for to deal with or even think about, but I care so damn much about her and the last thing I wanna do is lose her or give her up. I was reading on long-distance relationships and noticed one thing people have to have is trust. Ive talked to her about her online-guys as well as her mixed emotions about her ex-boyfriend. At first she denied the online relationships and when she was confused about her EX and me, she started to chase after her EX because she "really hated not being wanted" as she put it, and hated "being an experience" for him and not "being a special time in his life" (she felt like a slut in other words). I really haven't ever found her lying to me, but it just seems that shes really unstable and it just doesn't seem like that would work in a long-distance relationship, any relationship actually.

 

I just love her so much.... want only the best for her. She says the same for me, and just a week ago we got back together and things have been great, but i'm expecting things to get sour again. She says she loves me and oddly enough I have a very good relationship with her mother (whom I talk to a lot about my g/f and her problems). Her mother feels that she sincerely cares about me, but this Eating Disorder as well as being a typical teen causes a lot of these problems that we experience in our relationship. We have tried being just friends, but the romance still continued., and I wanted more of a committment from her. I have no idea why this week she wanted to all of the sudden carry the title "boy/girlfriend" but I felt it was the right thing to do, at least at the moment.

 

Theres a lot more to it all, but Ill be amazed if anyone reads this much! lol

I really really really care for her and from what i get from everyone else shes met, she cares a whole lot for me. Im just not sure whether I should take what she says to the heart (about her feelings) or if I should just back off on the whole "love" thing and "Let it Be".

 

I never imagined myself getting married and being with one person my whole life. In fact, ive often dreaded that looking at my Aunt who married right out of High School. I want to experience life and her to as well, but at the same time I want to experience it with her. Some of my friends tell me to take advantage of the sex while its there, but all I can honestly do is laugh when they say that. It all means so much more, just wish I could really show her everything I feel, but I guess the occasional "I love you" works well enough

[RedWolf]

This is a tough situation. From my point of view, she has shown you no consistant proof of her dedication to you. Although I can understand that some feelings cannot be placed on paper.

 

All things considered, you are only 17, your going to meet a lot of people in college, and this girl is clearly not ready for something as big as a long-distance relationship...or even a relationship in general.

 

Of course sometimes you have to go day by day. Your best bet is to enjoy the positive things that have happened between you. If you do end up fighting again, dont get back into it, leave it be. There is no reson why you two couldnt meet up again in the future...Its not a matter of love, its a matter of time...and it seems to be the wrong time for both of you. Hope this helped in someway. Its late

[Gilgamesh]

I think she really cares for you but is going through a lot right now, I understand your fears, you feel you playing against the Odds and your worries are a self defense mechanism trying real hard not to get hurt.

 

My best recommendation is to continue caring for her, and loving her for as long as you can, be her ideal partner, but keep in mind that its going to end when you move on, try and not have a fight to move on, if you can, maybe you can make it a mutual agrement to separate but still remain very good friends, tell her youll be there for support and to talk to.

that you can chat on the net.

 

Dont give her this conversation now, wait until about a month before you need to separate, as she may eventually be thinking the same thing, and it would be easier on her if shes the one that "comes up" with the idea.

 

You will both grow emotionally over time, and who knows what can happen down the line, you may end up together again some years later. but dont put your life on hold hoping that will come true.

 

Just enjoy the love and affection you have now, make this a happy moment for her also, but keep in mind its not going to last, when you leave, try and make it as smooth as possible, tell her the reasons, be strong for her. tell her you really wanted to spend your life with her, and hope that some day it could happen.

[dp]

Hey guys, thanks for the response!

My friend gave me similar advice. Telling me that we both will move on and that I shouldn't just limit my life around her, especially when we move off. He also told me not to tell her this now because yeah, she would probably take it the wrong way and get really upset.

 

Just hurts to think this now... Hard for me to convince myself that things will more than likely be great for us (even if we aren't together), and that I should enjoy the time I have with her now instead of worrying about what is to come, but I'm trying! I think the sunny weather is helping, lol.

 

Really appreciate anyone who read it, especially those who responded

Any more advice is welcomed!