Was she raped?

[american dream]

Hi all, would really appriciate female replies,

I have been with my GF for a long time now, and we are usually pretty good together. I am trying to understand where she is coming from a lot, but sometimes I get really weird vibes from her.

 

To make this short as possible, this is a question for the girls/women that has been on my mind for a few years now, and this seems like an appropriate place to ask, with people who may have been through this.

 

So here it is: I think my girlfriend may have been raped/violated at a young age.

 

Maybe she doesn't remember it, has blocked it out, is in denial, or who knows what else, but she is a stone wall sometimes without saying or implying anything. Not good, eh?

 

She has some very strong ideas on rape as well, such as rape is worse than murder (not the time or place to debate it here in this particular forum, but kind of an odd thought). She can be very feminist in her views without seeing it, and I am not talking middle of the road stuff. Last week she told me that all men from age 13-20 should be given chemical sterilization by the government to prevent overpopulation =; . I told her that is f-ing nuts, and I was blown away that she harbored that kind of view. I told her, "Hey, why don't you go pack your bags and go to China and help slam baby girls against rocks. Thats how awful your idea sounds to a man." Odd stuff to say in conversation.

 

There are of course other reasons I think this though. Number one, whenever the subject of a first time comes up, I get a lot of "non-answers". Its not that she hasn't told me her history, or things of that nature, but I don't ever the answer to the question I ask. It's not that she is not understanding the question, she is just dodging it. This is especially present when I asked her how she lost her hymen. She says she had been with 2 guys before me, one at 17, the other in college freshman year. Recently we were talking and she finally gave me the most direct answer she ever has, and she said that her hymen was broken the last time she had sex with her 2nd boyfriend (the guy before me). This just sounds REEEALLY odd. Possible, maybe. But odd? definitely. How could someone have sex multiple times (I range it anywhere from 10-25 times before me) and not have her cherry pop?

 

A very important side note --- she had a stepdad who was physically abusive, as well as extremely verbally abusive, and mentally abusive 0X . I know that does not make him a pedophile, but it would round out his a$$baggedness. She hates the guy, so does her two sisters, and her mom has since divorced him.

 

I just find her story odd, then the stepdad, and it doesn't sit right. She has said that her 2 BF's before me were both quite *small* down there, but geez, how small would a guy have to be? Like 2 inches?! How far in is the hymen?

 

She just has some really extreme views that freak me out and I don't know where it comes from.

[philo]

Seek therapy if your even thinking of staying with this girl! She has some real issues with men and she will take them out on you in the future. Was she raped? Probably not, but she probably saw her step-dad "with" her mom and it probably wasn't a pretty sight. She will have bad feeling towards men the rest of her life, no matter how good you are to her, and my bet is that she isn't a real "GIVER" in the bedroom and that won't change either.......

 

My honest advice= RUN

 

ps, your 24 and don't know about the hymen? Strange

[Athena]

To me, her views represent a person who feels like she is not in control as a woman, which, could be the result of her repressive stepdad.

 

I don't think they necessarily indicate physical sexual exploitation, but more emotional sexual exploitation.

 

-A

[american dream]

Yeah, dude I know about the hymen. Never have been with a virgin though, so never had the pleasure of being a girls first. My question was more for the women and what they think, and their responses to their anatomy. Unless you are a OBGYN I dont think you could help on this one. My question was more like a theoretical question.

[Amethyst]

Let me start out by saying I'm glad all men do not share philo's views. If they did, rape survivors would never get married, have children, etc..

 

You girlfriend does NOT need you to run. (That is the most selfish advice I've ever heard of!) What she needs is understanding. I can't tell you if she was raped...she is the only one who can tell you that. What I can tell you is that she has been scarred. Whatever abuse she has gone through (whether sexual or just physical and emotional) has left it's mark. Her views CAN change, but they will only change if you and the other men in her life help her to see that not all men are as she views them. (Running away would only confirm her beliefs that men aren't to be trusted.)

 

She needs counseling, but probably isn't open to that at this stage. Build up to it. Let her know that you realize she's in pain and that you want to help or find someone who's better qualified to help her if it's a major thing. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk and that you're more than willing to help any way you can. Then, once she starts opening up to you, you might suggest bringing in a professional. You might even try talking to a counselor on your own. (This is obviously affecting you, as well.)

[Rahll]

First off, the chemical steralization would be perfect. It would lower the crime rate by a huge amount, raise the poverty level, create more jobs, and in general be an awsome thing. And this is coming from a guy. By steralazition, I mean fully functional, but not be able to get anyone pregnant.

 

Second, your girlfriend does have issues, but there not as severe as they could be.

 

If she was sexually abused, one of two things would have happened. She would either be completely turned off by guys, and would either never date/ be with a guy, or she would becoem intrested in girls. Or she would go the aposite route and would choose abussive guys. She would onyl be attracted to abusers, as that was what she grew up with.

 

The fact that she seems to be in a stable realtionship with you, and that she has only has two other boyfriends, shows that the abuse either wasnt very severe or that it happened to her later in life (past the age of 12ish). I would suggest that the two of you attend therapy together.

[JinG]

Well... does your g/f have a voice that kind of sounds like a young girl? Maybe 14 at the oldest? If she does... then theres almost a full chance she was raped.

[Rahll]

Wow, I've never met someone who has made that connection before. Your definitaly right tho, alot of sexually abused girls will have that little girl voice, it's ususally a dead giveaway. JinG might you have gotton that perception from a nightly radio show?